Fifty Shades of Grey

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Gaston is confused.

Fifty Shades of Gay is smut written by a bored British housewife named E. L. James. It was originally a Twilight fanfiction called, Master of the Universe but was removed from, because she wanted to make money off of her poorly written erotica. E. L. James decided to share her sexual fantasies to the mainstream public by changing the names of the characters and publishing her piece of shit work. And so began the media sensation, "Fifty Shades of Grey" as every housewife within a mile radius of a store rushed to get it and a vibrator and get down to business, and is now the fastest selling paperback of all time, outstripping all 7 Harry Potter books in sales.

It stars a virgin named Anastasia Steele who meets a millionaire named Christian Grey, and in typical porn fashion, they fuck and she can't get enough of his dick. Ana loves getting tied up and being his submissive bitch, getting wet every time he smacks her around and rapes her.

Despite the boring plot, the one-dimensional characters, and the poorly written sex scenes, Fifty Shades of BDSM was proven to be an international success. Its target demographic: forty year-old housewives whose husbands are busy fucking the young secretary that will actually suck and swallow and have a pussy that doesn't compare to the San Andreas fault line. This book provides fappable material for these sex depraved housewives who secretly fantasize about being slave whores to shirtless, well-built, male gardeners while their husbands are away fucking their cousins. It was bestseller of the year and is now forced into libraries and public education as a form of study and as a guide for women to read while bored in the kitchen.


Anastasia Steele: A boring, whiny, fresh-out-of-college virgin who, for some reason, every guy wants to stick his dick in. Despite never having masturbated in her life, she's able to lose her virginity with hardly any pain, and even gave a perfect blowjob on her first try. She constantly gnaws on her lower lip, which gives Grey a raging hard-on and established as a trigger to start fucking her raw, and loves getting her ass kicked by him, having orgasms every time he practices his pimp slap on her. She soon falls in love with Grey for his "intelligence" and "charms".

Christian Grey: A 27-year-old CEO of some generic company that surrounds himself with blonde women as a part of his fascist sexual tendencies and his need to assure the public that he doesn't take it up the ass on a regular basis, save for when he was raped by his adoptive mother's best friend at fifteen, teaching him how to find pleasure in domestic violence and rape.

José Rodriguez: One of the guys who wants to bang Anastasia Sue. One night he gets drunk and nearly rapes her, but Grey stepped in to save her, telling him that she was his to rape.

Katherine "Kate" Kavanagh: Anastasia's roommate who is extremely open about her sexual encounters, constantly regaling Ana with stories of how many penises she was able to fit in all her orifices at once.


The plot, if you want to call it that, is your basic, "Aloof, naïve girl meets rich, handsome man with mommy issues. They have a lot of sex and live happily ever after in their mansion" story, save for the kinky fuckery and borderline-retarded dialogue.

...I'm trying to brush my hair into submission


—E. L. James knows how to subtly tell you what the book is going to be about, more subtle than Matrix with Jesus

I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office...I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr. Grey's office, and gentle hands are around me helping me to stand.


—It's only chapter one and Anestesia's already on her hands and knees. Girl works fast.

Are you gay, Mr. Grey?


—Ana on her job interview with "Mr. Ghey"

"You don’t do any exercise in your life," my subconscious has woken. She’s staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave. "ARE YOU CRAZY?" She’s shouting at me.


—Ana's Schizophrenia is kicking in.

I step forward while surreptitiously admiring his physique. He is just yummy. My subconscious swoons and passes out somewhere in the back of my head.


—The Inner Goddess starts to manifest itself in Ana's mind while E. L. James tries her hand at using larger vocabulary.

I know that lip is delicious, I can attest to that, but will you stop biting it? You chewing it makes me want to fuck you, and you're sore, okay?


—Christian Grey attempting to hold back his instinct to rape Ana

Ha! My inner goddess is thrilled. I can do this. I can fuck him with my mouth


—Ana and her inner goddess giving Grey head.

I'm a mster of fucking foreplay and BDSM i have read the whole FIFTY SHADES OF GREY I CAN DO EXACTLY WHAT ANA DOES IN THE FUCKING BOOK


—A stunning review from Robert Wayne Stiles

Erika L. James

<video type="youtube" id="Fpm_1iERyoU" width="200" height="180" position="right" desc="E. L. James claiming that she did research"/> Naturally, this shit could've only been written by a 48-year-old mother of two who should definitely stick to her day job. Erika Leonard James said that she did a lot of research on BDSM by watching enough porn that would make Quagmire admire her. Many doubt that she did much research at all considering that the sex scenes were extremely generic and uninteresting to people with healthy sex lives. Isn't funny and doesn't help that she's a fatass doppleganger of the Twilight writer.

In the days of Shakespeare, talent and literacy were needed to make a famous novel, but thanks to Erika and Stephanie Meyer and all the stupid fucks who buy into their bullshit, the only thing needed is a set of ovaries and the minimum of an sixth fourth grade education. Her most used tools for writing the books was finding new synonyms on Microsoft Word to make up for her lack of sophisticated vocabulary and trying to make her characters sound upper class, that is, before degrading them back to cumwhores when she gets lazy and wants to get horny. By using repetitive words, pretentious word usage, and terrible story structure/storyline, she became an overnight millionaire. Much like her idol, she decided to milk the book for all its worth and create two sequels to it, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed.

Her books are primarily composed of events that would never happen in real life. If any of the books happened in real life, Ana would be in a domestic abuse victim unit and Christian Grey would be behind bars for abusing dem virgins, unless of course it was staged somewhere else. It's a wonder how her husband can stand being around her. Perhaps he's into it as well.


Fifty Shades of Slavery is a poorly-written, shameless ripoff of the most beautiful tender love story of all time, Secretary (2002), starring James Spader as a fucking asshole named E. Edward Grey (COINCIDENCE??? You decide!) and Maggie Gyllenhaal as his submissive secretary bitch who just can't get enough of that rough, which he sadistically withholds from her while training her, that bastard. The film Secretary is itself based on a short story by rape victim, former stripper and former prostitute Mary Gaitskill, who considers Lolita one of her ten favorite books of all time, and "enjoyed beating off" to the Marquis de Sade as a loli. Srsly. Mary Gaitskill is, in other words, every female unmasked, the unchecked female sexual id which Islam seeks to contain, and men in India/South Africa/the US military seek to fulfill.

I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr. Grey’s office...


—Ms. Steele meets Mr. Grey. Lazy foreshadowing, or just more plagiarism of Secretary?

Although, some experts cite the earlier Nine 1/2 Weeks (1986) as an influence, where a pre-potato Mickey Rourke turns an ingénue Kim Basinger into a sex slave for over 9000 9 weeks, based on an autobiographical book published in 1978 by a woman from Austria and a man from Wall Street, both the land of sick fucks. Other experts cite the even earlier novel The Fountainhead where the heroine Dominique Francon welcomes being raped by the supremely selfish Prime Mover Howard Roark, a man who later Erects a giant Skyraper, the symbol of mega industrialists, only to 9/11 it because I made you so I can break you.

In any case, a rich clean-shaven white guy douche in a suit (the uniform of Wall Street psychopaths and religious zealots) is gonna pretty much rape someone the whole time, and women eat this shit up. More importantly, women write this shit themselves. If you thought Twilight was bad before, you have no idea, since it inspired leagues of stupid turbo-cunts to convince themselves they could write anything longer than tweets or tumblrspeak. Fifty Shades of Fuck was written by a Twihard mother with two sons having a mid-life crisis, using the name Snowqueen's Icedragon (Powerword: Erika Mitchell), and she put "all her fantasies in there" that her cuck husband Niall Leonard could never fulfill (not that he'd ever want to after she shat out two babbies). Fantasies like flying airplanes and being violently tortured and raped by a billionaire. You know, typical female fantasies minus the gangbangs. With the fastest selling paperback of all time, the female species have irreversibly revealed their hands gentlemen. And they want those hands in restraints. Preferably in a penthouse suite. But beggars can't be choosers ladies. But look, just because a female is carrying a copy of the book does not mean she enjoys rape or anything.

Protip: The empty suit of Anonymous is not a turn-on for wimmins, unless it's a dyke who's bridal shopping, or a teen dyke shopping for prom.

Fastest selling paperback of all time

Selling at least 100 million copies, Fifty Shades of Ass is the fastest selling paperback of all time and a worldwide phenomenon, since trashy Harlequin romance novels and books where women get abused are the only kind of book most women any woman is interested in reading, and it's written at a 6th 4th grade level just like most shipping. Christian Grey is a regular Prince Harming, a supreme edgemeister, and a total cishet shitlord (the author obviously didn't get the memo). And as a former TV executive, E. L. James is quite experienced with binding agreements. The sexual tension of the book and what gets wimmins adrenaline and blood pumping to their micropenises is an omnipresent mood of almost rape from a calculating charismatic psychopath up until fucky sucky, which is also why Hannibal gets all the ladies. If she doesn't feel in mortal danger of dying at any moment, she's just totally cold and numb down there. Violence works. Ask any terrorist.

Suddenly, he inserts two fingers inside me, taking me completely by surprise. I gasp, this new assault breaking through the numbness around my brain.


—What did I tell you? Numb.

Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard.


—Christian Grey or Jordan Belfort? Leonardo DiCaprio as Jordan Belfort?

Respect the cock! And tame the cunt!


—sorry, wrong movie

In one fell swoop, Britbong cunt hero E. L. James redpilled every person in Western civilization, disproving decades of feminism, and dispelling the myth that women want to be treated as equals, or are attracted to men that treat them as equals. No, the fastest selling paperback of all time written by one of Time magazine's "100 Most Influential People in the World" only confirms what every forever alone male virgin has long suspected: all women are golddiggers, chicks like assholes, and the people in their life that told them to treat wimmins with respect were fucking lying and have horribly misled them since the 1960s, all for the lulz. Thanks a lot, hippies and school teachers with vaginas.

Sick and tired and bored and deeply unsatisfied and unhappy with the status quo created by feminism, E. L. James blessed the world with a book that gives lost modern men a role model, a masculine ideal of who to be, and who women want men to be, in the billionaire sadist and abuser of women, Christian Grey. Not since H. H. "The Monster of 63rd Street" Holmes and his Murder Castle from Chicago's 1893 World's Columbian Exposition have so many women signed on the dotted line only to be treated like shit. So man up and buy rope.

Counterspell: Anita

The very existence of the book, and it's staggering popularity, is a thorny troublesome unavoidable fact for all females, like sand in a vagina. Even if they claim to have never even read the book 10 times with a bottle of wine and a bubblebath and/or Sybian. How to explain it away? But when have facts ever gotten in the way of wimmins' behavior? "I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about" is her go-to response. Fifty Shades of Cock (and quotes from the book) is the only known spell that can silence Anita Sarkeesian and stop her in her tracks. In the book, women are either victims of violence or sexual reward, which are her chief criticisms of videogames. But the book isn't misogynist okay? Because a woman wrote it, and it's about her feelings. Jeez. The book has sold over twice as many copies as Grand Theft Auto V, proving once and for all that men enjoy having the choice of abusing simulated whores, but twice as many women enjoy having no choice but to read helplessly as women get the shit beat out of them and beg for more.

But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified. “You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. He laughs, loudly. “No, Anastasia, no Xbox, no Playstation. Come.”


—The book mocks gamers and challenges them to take it to the next level. And no, Mr. Grey is not a PC gaymer.

Women: Busted

Next time you’ll be in the cargo hold, bound and gagged in a crate.


—fastest selling paperback of all time or /r/theredpill?

He’s smiling, triumphant. I cannot move. I am naked and shackled, spread-eagled on a large four-poster bed.


—fastest selling paperback of all time

“Physically, will you hurt me?” “I will punish you when you require it, and it will be painful.”


—fastest selling paperback of all time.

Holy cow, I cannot move my arms. A frisson of trepidation mixed with tantalizing exhilaration sweeps through my body, making me wetter. I groan. Parting my legs, he cuffs first my right ankle and then my left so I am staked out, spread-eagled, and totally vulnerable to him.


—fastest selling paperback of all time, or Monica Lewinsky's diary?

Stop and imagine Christian Grey treating Anastasia Steele as an equal. Would females the world over trip over their clits to buy that shit? No! But feminists would be outraged, OUTRAGED that Anastasia wasn't being fucked like a dirty little girl, which all wimmins believe they're entitled to, no matter how they look. Maybe some in the BDSM "community" would say consent is what makes BDSM so hawtt (rather than the extreme power imbalance, taboo breaking, and violence), and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with the domination and subjugation of wimmins if that's what she asked for, like a battered woman who stays with her strong powerful man who beats the shit out of her.

Faced with the prospect of wimmins deeply wanting lords and masters, other SJWs must rationalize it away as just another matter of A Woman's Choice, as if being humiliated and becoming the embodiment of weakness is empowering, as long as you've signed up for it. In the words of every Drill Sergeant ever: "Hey ladies, this is what you signed up for." No, the only power the sub has is the Power of Attraction over the dom, the power to work the dom into a frenzy. Which is the power that all wimmins dream of having over others, the power to induce uncontrollable lust. But wimmins can never admit to their rape fantasies and wanting to be dominated because it makes them look like weak sluts, which they are. The clamoring for equality is all a scheme to weed out the weak boys from the strong men who rightfully don't give a fuck what women say and won't put up with their shit. You really gotta feel sorry for these poor creatures, always wanting to be man-handled but misguided guys treating them like human beings with respect and shit, rather than slave whores. It's a fucking tragedy joke, it's all a joke...

Little known fact: A majority of district attorneys have suggested bringing back stocks for public humiliation of female convicts, but it was determined they would enjoy it too much, so instead they've been suggested as a way to incentivize good behavior for women in prison.

What women want

The Mary Sue Anastasia Steele represents the evolved female libido in a nutshell: a naive little virgin being violently taken in every sense of the word by brutal foreign raiders armed with clubs and ropes (or whips and chains) who cannot control their lust because she's so fucking hot, of which modern wimmins are the fucked up descendants. Whereas the fat ugly ones are left to be eaten by wolves and watch animu and go buy this book and a zucchini (because much like moot, they wish to be the little girl, instead of the big girl they've always been because their stupid parents let them eat too many carbs and sit around). After the release of the book, emergency rooms noted a marked increase in bruised hambeasts due to the improper mounting of sex swings and the inadequate structural integrity of coded buildings and failure to read the words MAXIMUM WEIGHT in their instructions. But sales of transport slings and cranes for landwhales have a bright future.

Fun fact: Many physicists claim the Twin Towers fell symmetrically at free fall speed due to the improper mounting of corporate sex swings at Cantor Fitzgerald.

Oh my. That was extraordinary. Now I know what all the fuss is about.


—this dumb bitch has never had an orgasm until being fucked by a billionaire

My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this…


—fastest selling paperback of all time, or a stolen diary in Pedobear's possession?

I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.


—because every woman's subconscious is a loony tunes character

And it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition.


—Christian Grey's dungeon playroom or Josef Fritzl's?


Clearly a masterpiece of film making.
Now a major motion picture!

Are you too lazy to read this crap? If you have read it, have you always wanted to SEE all of these abusive actions happen on the big screen for all the wimmins to enjoy? If so, good news! They're making a movie out of it. Yes, there has been a lot of talk about the making of a Fifty Shades of Grey movie. According to the Los Angeles Times, the novel's film rights have been sold to "Jewniversal" Pictures, so one is to assume that Fifty Shades of WTF will follow in its predecessor's footsteps and shit out a few poorly acted movies.

I've been saying since I was sixteen that if it's the right role and important for the character development and the story, then of course I'll do it


Emma Watson (potential actress for Ana) telling people she'll go nude on camera

After about 100 yearsa long wait, the movie is finally here! Premiering worldwide on Friday The 13th, 2015 it's Jaws 19! Er, sorry, no, not Jaws 19, it's Fifty Shades of Misogyny, at least according to SJWs and feminists who have been screeching across the Interwebs for weeks about what a horrible and disgusting film it is (keeping in mind they haven't even seen it yet) and pointing their little grubbies in accusation at the actors, the film maker, the book, the writer, society and pretty much every god damn thing not nailed to the ground. On the flip side you can find endless reams of neglected housewives all a twitter like 16 year old Justin Bieber fan girls who simply can't wait for the live action version of their penultimate Mary Sue, self-insert, snatch-scratching, shlick-fiction; with it's totally unrealistic, overly idealized fantasies involving an incredibly boring, mundane, non-descript, every-woman that manages to somehow catch the eye of an edgy, young, beautiful, billionaire playboy who uses them as his personal sex toy.

The film is porn. And like most porn it features women being abused. Specifically, it is a sexual assault training film distributed by Comcast. But the sex is simulated. And they try to class it up with Audi product placement. And for maximum lulz it carries no trigger warnings. And it takes itself too seriously. And it's a massive embarrassment and disgrace to everyone involved, which is why casting Christian Grey took so fucking long. Anastasia Steele is played by Dakota Johnson, daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, famous for playing whores onscreen. Like mother like daughter. Christian Grey is played by a potato who has all the wealth of a billionaire but looks like his valet (aka every female's Mr. Right).

The film is one more step in the mainstreaming of porn and the pornification of all media, except most pornos don't have a budget of $40 million. In the past, there were distinctions between actresses and pornstars, but no more. The Fappening changed everything. In the past, trailers for actual pornos weren't played on morning talk shows and during the Superbowl, but no more, ever since half-kike Chelsea Handler made cunts drinking wine before 9 AM on TV au courant. However, the film is not rated NC-17 because the filmmakers are pussies and they wouldn't want to embarrass any of the ticket-buying sluts who read the book. The film is rated R so Universal Pictures can make more money off of it, and so viewers can feel better about themselves for not buying advance tickets to see a XXX-rated Ana Boinks a Boundary-Breaking Blindfolding Binding Billionaire Cad Called Christian.

Fun fact: The film was banned in Malaysia for not featuring enough caning.

Release date

You think the film "adaptation" is being released on Valentine's Day for men? Hell no. Valentine's Day is THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY of the year for wimmins. Analysts predict the film will break February records and that audiences will be composed of at least 75% vaginas but definitely 100% cunts. However, if the film had been released on video-on-demand, the Jews would have made even more money, but they didn't want to scare off housewives from buying tickets. This live Cosmo magazine will supposedly give hoors tips on how to catch the man of their dreams or tips on how to spice up the bedroom later that night, when in reality she will be getting wet at all the other unknown men in the theater who thought taking a first date or girlfriend to this shit on Valentine's Day was a good idea, so audiences are advised to bring their own tarps. Fuck it, forget the tarps. The film's release date was decided upon months in advance due to every theater chain's mutual decision to reupholster in March. Damn it's good to be in the upholstery business.

“Good girl. Open your mouth.” Mouth? “Wider.” Very gently, he puts the balls in my mouth.


—fastest selling paperback of all time

Advice for moviegoers

Pepe attends the Berlin premiere.

No married man will go see this film with his wife, unless she wants a new baby that night. Hospitals have been advised to stock up on episiotomy scissors for November. This will be a national "girl's night out", so any single men that do pay money to see this dreck are advised to cosplay in a well-tailored gray suit. But only if you're already in a relationship, men, because that's the only men women want, another woman's man. So wear a fake wedding ring if you go alone. Males in Japan are advised to buy (more) used panties from vending machines and stuff them in their pants pocket before going to see the movie alone, because nothing turns single women on more than the smell of another cunt on a man (as long as he doesn't try to weasely lie about it like some pussy ass bitch). A man could also steal some used panties, otherwise known as "pull a James Ellroy." Or buy some from online sexblogging pantyselling disease-riddled whores. Wearing the panties on your head to the theater is ill-advised, but if you do be sure to film it for the lulz.

Appropriate theater attire. Also HALAL.

Nothing beats a classy well-groomed man in a suit buying a brand new pair of Victoria's Secret panties while alone in the mall, then going to see Fifty Shades of Whore and putting the panties on his head before he finds his seat in the movie theater. "What kind of movie do you think this is?" all the offended sluts will say. "A romance for the ages, I'm told." Don't be surprised if the film begins with a lame message to "Please be courteous to other audience members. Be sure to set your phones to vibrate, ladies. But we don't need to tell you that, do we? Do we?" Don't be surprised if every slut in the audience puts her phone on vibrate for the whole movie and constantly texts herself with another phone. "What did he just say? I can't hear over the constant buzzing."

PROTIP: For more lulz, while in your suit do your best dick impression and ask females in the theater what their safeword is.

“You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.”


—be sure to quote this to every female in the theater

WARNING: If you're overweight this will backfire and turn you into a Lol-cow. But that's nothing new for you, fatso.

Ew, gross

The film grossed over 9000 dollars worldwide in Anastasia's "opening" weekend, ensuring that consumers will be pounded into submission with lame bondage puns made by the media for at least 100 years from now. It was the widest opening of a R rated film cunt ever. Even bigger than your mom's. Allegedly-professional news organizations reported it "dominated" the box office huehue, and audiences "submit" to it kekek, "busting" records and hymens, "beating" off all the competition, "sexually assaulting" newcomers, "domestically abusing" ticketbuyers, and "violently torturing, raping, murdering, dismembering, and disposing" of audiences' disposable female income. Semen. The film was also hugely successful internationally because men in those rapey pervert countries know how to treat women. In a total fucking sign of the apocalypse, this regurgitated Twihard fanfic grossed more in its opening weekend than the first Twilight film based on Stephenie Meyer's demon spawn. What does that Mormon BYU graduate bitch married to a guy named Christian have to say for herself? What did you do?

Well, we know that the public said and did: In a comparison, 50 Shades of Abuse did even worse than Twihard, with most sane people more likely to go on Ogrish and our offended pages than subject themselves to this eye-bleach.

IMDb: Twilight: 5.2/10 | 50 Shades: 4.1/10

Rotten Tomatoes: Twilight: 48% | 50 Shades: 25%

Twilight: $191,449,475 (USA) | 50 Shades: currently $106,902,510 (USA) as of Feb. 19

Its profitous nature for the Jews however, will ensure there will be at least 3 more "films" of this shit, one for the second "book", and surely with the final book split right down the middle like a lumberjack, hahaha. However, the third book is a turnoff for wimmins since Christian admits the error of his ways, saying he only wanted to rape because he was raped too. Whether the pornstars in this filth will reprise their "roles" is unknown, since Jamie Dornan fled the country in embarrassment and to avoid the swarming mobs of aged vaginas trying to swallow him whole. Yes, the man who played edgelord sadist Christian Grey is terrified of you ladies. Keep your panties on. Pope Francis advised people to watch the XXX porn parodies instead, which will have better dialogue if you can believe it.

The film ranks first in torture porn films released in February, edging out The Passion of the Christ, which also originated on Apparently less people want to see Jesus flogged than some stupid plain Jane virgin cunt who never even touched "down there" until her 20s. Much like The Passion of the Christ, ticket pre-sales for the film were huge in the illiterate American South, since talking pictures were their first exposure to this bloody violence, and they always wanted to know what happened in that book that everybody seems to be such a fan of and carries around religiously.

Analist predictions were off slightly, as men made up 32% of the audience instead of the forecast 25%. Still, twice as many women enjoy women getting beaten then men do. And their mission, should male audiences choose to accept it, is now clear. Viewers who finally found out what all the "hype" was about gave the film a C+, which will probably mean figures will drop off precipitously in the coming week, falling harder than a rape victim's body thrown off a cliff. With the second biggest dropoff ever for torture porn after the Friday the 13th remake, the film was still #1 in its 2nd week, beating some non-porn with Bella Thorne which neckbeards will just download anyway, but clearly signaling that women want abuse. Message received, ladies. One analyst reported he would be dropping copies of the film on the Arabian Peninsula in an attempt to use feminism and female sexual revolution to destroy Arab society much like it destroyed Western civilization.

The film is now Jewniversal Studios' highest grossing R-rated film. Get ready for a reboot after the fourth film!


After women in Amerifat elected a rapey billionaire, they were hungry for even more rapey billionaires sexually abusing women. One month after God Emperor Trump's inauguration where he manhandled at the Freedom Ball the first First Lady in decades that American males can jack off too, and just in time for Valentine's Day 2017, the film sequel Fifty Shades of Darkness was released. It stars the same leads as the previous film, a potato and some whore that's too ugly and too old for a billionaire. The film is considerably darker than its fanfic prequel, although the two leads are still white.

Fifty Shades Darker begins when Anastasia finds a handkerchief with a pizza-related map on it at her place. She asks Christian if it belongs to him and he confirms that it does, but not to worry about it. Suspicious, Anastasia hacks into Christian's Gmail account, and finds an email that mentions $65,000 worth of hot dogs, something called "wet works" which she assumes means golden showers, and something about tying people to walls with a rope across their chest and under their armpits. After seeing a police sketch on the news of a suspect who resembles Christian, Anastasia worries that Christian may be a Russian spy, and she gives the emails to SchlickyLeaks. Oh, and there's Venetian Masks in the movie. Anastasia takes a flight on Christian's private jet, the Red Room Of Pain Express, and visits Christian's Temple of Spirit Cooking on BDSM Island near Haiti. There she plays naked ping pong with Christian and he shows her his collection of Serbian artwork, gold decapitated statues, and a cow sculpture that mysteriously moves location around the island and sometimes groans and coughs. After Anastasia discovers a strange wifi network on the island named THIS-IS-WHERE-MY-KILLROOM-IS-LOCATED, she goes on a search and just happens to run into former president Bill Blinton and Rachel Randler. Later on, Anastasia learns that Christian is a member of the Blinton Global Initiative, and that Christian contributed millions of dollars to the presidential campaign of his wife Jillary Blinton. She also learns that as a young boy, Christian was a student of Bony Molesta in Osaka, Japan, whose brother Lon Molesta was the chief of staff of Bill Blinton. Majestic Rape also has a cameo in the movie at a seedy pizza place named Vomit Ding Dong located in the basement of another seedy pizza place which Anastasia sees in an anti-human trafficking ad released by the Department of Homeland Security. The film ends with Christian Grey telling Anastasia, "Fake news is killing your mind, Anastasia. It's just a coincidence." Oh, and then Christian grabs her by the pussy, and breaks the fourth wall, turns to the camera and says "When you're rich they let you do it." Then some shitty Nicki Minaj song plays, and half of it is whip sound effects. There's also some Taylor Swift song with One Direction.

Reviews of the film were striking. Some critics found the film gripping, while others gagged. Much like the previous film, Pope Francis called the film "child's play."

Fifty Shades of Darkness made over 9000 dollars in its opening weekend, but came in second to plastic crap capeshit. And sadist cellphone companies now think overage fees are the kind of pain and punishment that users want.

Fifty Shades Freed

Finally, a movie for women who voted for Roy Moore. Fifty Shades Freed, also known as FSF (more liek FFS amirite?), is the final chapter of the "movies" adapted from the slut trashterpiece trilogy of "books" written by hideous Twilight fan and thirsty babushka slag "E. L. James." Pop Quiz: Do women like being objectified or not? Set loose into theaters shortly before Valentine's Day 2018, FSF is for those diseased Tinder-using women who just can't get enough of rapey rich shitbags like Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, Steve Wynn, Harvey Weinstein, and "Christian Grey." Mmmm, dat Dark Triad, amirite ladies? Protip: Baywatch star and musicalfag Zac Efron will be playing Ted Bundy in the film "Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile", which incidentally is also the title of the Trump presidency, so put that in your calendars and/or period-tracking apps, ladies.

For some context, Fifty Shades Freed was released obliviously months after the #MeToo movement swept Amerifat, and after the "Silence Breakers" were featured on the cover of TIME magazine, and over a year into the Trump Shitshow "Presidency", during a time in Amerifat that some argue is known as "The Reckoning", which has witnessed the takedowns of sleazeballs such as: Fox News host Bill O'Reilly, Hollywood producer and casting couch owner Harvey Weinstein, masturbater/comedian Louis C.K., actor and handjobber Asian faggot George Takei, actor and rapist Ed Westwick, actor Ben Affleck, actor Casey Affleck, actor Danny Masterson, actor Dustin Hoffman, actor James Franco, actor Jeffrey Tambor, actor Jeremy Piven, three-time STD-infested actor Jim Carrey, actor Johnny Depp, actor Richard Dreyfuss, actor Robert Knepper, actor Steven Seagal, actor Sylvester Stallone, actor T.J. Miller, actor Tom Sizemore, AlterNet editor Don Hazen, Amazon Studios guy Roy Price, animator Chris Savino, Artforum publisher Knight Landesman, author and MSNBC guy and frotter Mark Halperin, bisexual faggot actor Andy Dick, blogger Robert Scoble, Boston University professor David Marchant, Brand New vocalist Jesse Lacey, Buzzfeed's Adrian Carrasquillo, casino mogul and RNC contributor Steve Wynn, casting couch guy for CSI Andy Henry, chef and groper Mario Batali, Danish producer Peter Aalbaek Jensen, Dartmouth professor and student groper Todd Heatherton, Dartmouth professor Paul Whalen, Dartmouth professor William Kelley, DC Comics editor Eddie Berganza, Democrat Representative from Virginia Bobby Scott, Democrat Representative of Michigan John Conyers, Democrat Representative of Nevada Ruben Kihuen, Democrat Senator from Minnesota Al Franken, Democrat state representative from Georgia Calvin Smyre, Democrat state representative in Texas Borris Miles, Democrat state representative in Texas Carlos Uresti, director James Toback, director Lars von Trier, director Morgan Spurlock, director Oliver Stone, director/child rapist Roman Polanski, Disney child sexual abuser Jon Heely, E News guy Ken Baker, faggot agent Adam Venit, faggot agent Tyler Grasham, female former Democrat candidate in Kansas Andrea Ramsey, female singer and rapist Melanie Martinez, former chief of staff to some Michigan Representative Dwayne Duron Marshall, former Democrat US representative from Tennessee Harold Ford Jr., former judge and Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, former Trump campaign manager and grab-asser Corey Lewandowski, former US Republican representative of Arizona Trent Franks who wanted a surrogate the old-fashioned way and was willing to pay $5 million, Fox Business host and rapist Charles Payne, Fox News host and dick-pic-sender Eric Bolling, Fox News host Bill O'Reilly, Fox News host who-doesn't-invite-guests-back-if-they-don't-come-to-his-hotel Sean Hannity, Girls writer Murray Miller, Hollywood director Brett Ratner, Hollywood producer Bob Weinstein, Hollywood homosexual pedophile Gary Goddard, Hollywood homosexual pedophile Kevin Spacey, host Charlie Rose, host Tavis Smiley, IGN editor Steve Butts, IGN editor Vince Ingenito, investor Dave McClure, Mad Men showrunner Matthew Weiner, magician/rapist David Blaine, Metropolitan Opera conductor James Levine, Mother Jones guy David Corn, musician Ethan Kath, NBC News exec Matt Zimmerman, New Republic editor Leon Wieseltier, New Republic publisher Hamilton Fish, New York City ballet guy Peter Martins, New York Times editor and NPR guy Michael Oreskes, New York Times reporter Glenn Thrush, New Yorker reporter Ryan Lizza, NFL Network producer Eric Weinberger, NFL player and shower masturbater Ike Taylor, NFL player Donovan McNabb, NFL player Heath Evans, NFL player Marshall Faulk, One Tree Hill guy Mark Schwahn, OrbidMed cofounder Sam Isaly, Paris Review editor Lorin Stein, Pedowood director Bryan Singer, Pixar CEO John Lasseter, playwright Israel Horovitz, podcaster Dustin Marshall, pornstar Ron Jeremy, Prairie Home Companion host Garrison Keillor, programmer Max Ogden, publisher H. Brandt Ayers, rap rape exec Russell Simmons, rapper and sex dungeon owner R. Kelly, rapper Nelly, real estate guy Andre Balazs, Republican Ohio state representative and faggot Wesley Goodman, Republican Representative of Texas Blake Farenthold who used $84G of taxpayer money to settle, Republican secretary of state of Wyoming Ed Murray, Republican state representative of Kentucky Dan Johnson who an hero'd, Republican state senator from Oregon Jeff Kruse, restaurant guy John Besh, restaurant guy Ken Friedman, retired judge Alex Kozinski, Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner, SEIU guy Caleb Jennings, SEIU guy Scott Courtney, Soros Fund manager and rapist Howie Rubin, Supergirl showrunner Andrew Kreisberg, theater director Albert Schultz, Today show anchor Matt Lauer, Trump campaign chairman in Campbell County Kentucky and child sex trafficker Timothy Nolan, Uber founder Travis Kalanick, University of Rochester professor T. Florian Jaeger, US Olympic gymnast "doctor" pedo Larry Nassar, US President #41 and serial ass-grabber George H.W. Bush, US President #45 and rapist and adulterer Donald J. Trump, Us Weekly editor Dylan Howard, USC professor Erick Guerrero, venture capitalist and face-toucher Chris Sacca, venture capitalist Justin Caldbeck, venture capitalist Shervin Pishevar, Vice guy Kaj Larsen, Vice Media guy Mike Germano, Vice Media president Andrew Creighton, Vice Media producer Rhys James, Vice News head Jason Mojica, Vice writer and rapist Michael Hafford, Vox Media guy Lockhart Steele, WBUR radio host Tom Ashbrook, WNYC radio host John Hockenberry, WNYC radio host Jonathan Schwartz, and WNYC radio host Leonard Lopate.

But dat Christian Grey doe. Hey, did anyone notice restaurant faggot James Alefantis on that list? No? He's the victim? Did anyone notice Majestic Ape on that list? Is there a reason that John Podesta and Obama neighbor Tony Podesta are absent from that list? Did anyone notice child molester Woody Allen on that list? No? Was it the blood of Dylan Farrow on his door that made the Lord passover Woody Allen? Is actor Aziz Ansari on that list, or does he get the Brown-Skin-Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card, like all the rapefugees in Sweden and the UK and Europe? Naturally, Oscar-winning Austrian director Michael Haneke, famous for saying every film "rapes the viewer", said #MeToo is "men-hating puritanism" and a "witch hunt" that "should be left in the Middle Ages." Gee, I wonder if any of these marked men got the wrong idea about women due to the billion dollar success of the Fifty Shades of Garbage franchise, and/or the reactions of European actresses Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve to #MeToo?

The "film" is also for those married women who realize feminism was a mistake because their decent husband isn't violent enough for their batshit tastes. It's for those vapid cunts who say "I want Charles in Charge of #MeToo!" Protip: Nicole Eggert said that Charles in Charge co-star and Trump-loving RNC speaker Scott Baio, who spoke about being a "conservative" in liberal Pedowood, molested her when she was 14. The "movie" is for women like Hope Hicks, who write defenses of their abusive boyfriends who are wife-beaters, all for her boss who is a serial sexual abuser and rapey millionaire sleazeball doofus who acts like an illiterate mob boss with a Napoleon complex who brags about the size of his Big Red Button, possibly because Stephanie Clifford said he has a teeny tiny penis. The difference is that Hope Hicks used to be a model. For those women yearning for their very own Rob Porter in their life, the film is about "Anastasia Steele" who is married or some shit, and then some things happen, and there's probably some spanking (but not with a Forbes magazine with Ivanka on the cover), and then at least 100 theaters have to replace over 9,000 seats because sluts sploosh grool all over them (like Ivanka eyefucking faggot Justin Trudeau) when they were reminded that they voted The Donald into office, which simultaneously enrages them yet also turns them on. "How can I hate The Donald but yearn for Christian at the same time?", Hillary-voters wonder. Don't be unattractive, basically. But it's fictional! When has anybody ever imitated fiction?

For a reminder that women want it both ways: #MeToo=good, wearing black to the Golden Globes=good, FSF=good, no contradictions there. I mean, didn't Anastasia Steele and Stormy Daniels both sign a contract or some shit? Fifty Shades Freed also came out two days after Hollywood producer Jill Messick an hero'd. Messick was the manager of Rose McGowan during the time that Rose got HARVEYED, and after Harvey Jewstein's lawyers released an email without Messick's permission which appeared to defend Weinstein against his at least 100 accusers. Fun Fact: Messick was also a producer of the upcoming Minecraft: The Movie, starring Michael Scott from The Office, which is set to be released the same month as capeshit Avengers 4. Remember the time that Crooked Hillary defended her 2008 campaign adviser and sexual harasser Burns Strider, and how she refused to fire him even after Patti Doyle told her to? Remember how some argue that Crooked Hillary's father Hugh Rodham ran the Chicago mob after Al Capone did? Remember how Crooked Hillary stands by her man, Slick Willy, even though he raped Juanita Broaddrick? Remember how Slovenian mail-order-bride Melania Trump stands by her man, Donald Trump, even though he's an adulterer who rawdogs pornstars? Who runs the world? Girls, who stand by their adulterer husbands. This movie is for all the Hillarys and Melanias in the world: the female enablers of rapists and domestic abusers and sexual abusers, like all those dumb cunts at Michigan State University who looked the other way when "pelvic masseuse" Larry Nassar was "playing doctor."

With the release of Fifty Shades Freed, a title which makes zero sense in any language, the franchise has made over $1 billion worldwide. The film was also massively popular in Merkel's Rapefugee Central aka Germany. And 3/4ths of the audience were females, and the majority of them were under 30. So don't let those pink pussyhats fool you gentlemen, it's now obvious what women really want. Trade in that wifebeater for a suit and get down to business. Romance is dead, and women went Gone Girl on it. For any female readers out there who have been offended, now is the time to threaten the unavailability of female holes, since that's all that women who can't cook can bring to the table.

Contractual immunity to criticism

Fifty Shades of Sex definitively answers the question, "What female would want to marry Charles Manson?" #YesAllWomen. But don't accuse any female readers of this chickliterotica of being traitors to feminism or unwitting supporters of the Patriarchy or violence against women. No! While a few unfuckable women on the outrage machine known as Twitter are surely accusing the book and film of promoting rape culture or complaining that Christian Grey and his Red Room of Pain isn't ethnic enough, for the most part the book is hailed as the greatest possible expression of feminism, a woman filling all her holes on her own terms: when she wants, how she wants, with who she wants (ie. not you, a guy with more money than you, stupid). All with a contract and clauses and paperwork and signed consent forms to back it up! Now that's sexy! Sign here to be stalked. You see, a list of rules and a safeword makes almost rape okay. Why, it says right here in the Terms of Service you agreed to that I can rape you up the ass on a monthly basis! Anything less would be breach of contract! Who said corporate types don't know how to have a fun time?

According to the immutable law of the Streisand Effect, groups opposed to the film have only increased the film's visibility. The more people learn about how much the film is about violence against women, the more people want to see it. Because isn't it about time the female gender had a collective Falcon Punch in the pussy?

Complaints were made after a Target store in the US put Fifty Shades paraphernalia like blindfolds and vibrators next to children's electric toothbrushes. Was it an honest mistake by an Aspie stockboy since all of those products are sleep aids? No, it was of course a conspiracy by the dental hygiene industry to increase sales of children's electric toothbrushes (aka child vibrators).

The only safe criticism of the film is that it's not worth watching because it's boring and has terrible dialogue and not hardcore enough. Serious sick fucks who were expecting torture porn will say the film is made by and for filthy casuals.

In perhaps the most devastating critique of the film, Pope Francis, leader of the Catholic Church and its over 1 billion followers, released a statement calling the film "easymode" because of the film's lack of racks, breast rippers, choke pears, Judas cradles, and other religious instruments of torture. He further added that the film was quote, "kid stuff."


This titillating Mommy Porn has also been a boon for various industries. More handcuffs, rope, blindfolds, duct tape, paddles, ball gags, zip ties, and spreader bars have been sold due to Fifty Shades of Grey than Neverland Ranch. And those instruments of sweet sweet dominance are truly what make women happy. I can picture the selfies on Instagram now. You will never see a happier grin than when a female is wearing a spreader bar, because she finally has been granted her Slut License. Paradoxically, the physical restraints free her from her bothersome constraint of free will, in true walking contradiction fashion. No longer confused by feminism, she now knows her true place in the world and where she belongs, in submission. Sales of giant latex vacuum bags, however, failed to meet analysts' expectations, except in Colombia and Florida, for different reasons altogether.

“He’s very driven, controlling, arrogant – scary really, but very charismatic. I can understand the fascination,”...


—E. L. James describing Ted Bundy

"I ring up the rope, coveralls, masking tape, and cable ties at the till."


—Anastasia ringing up Christian Dennis Rader. No red flags there.

"I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto."


—A brilliant metaphor that teaches everyone how to write well.

Officially licensed 50 Shades of Grey Etsy bra

The book will provide neverending inspiration for the music video industry and the preteen dance competition circuit for decades to come. Fifty Shades of Dick is a cancer that will invade all forms of media, and people who are too stupid to still watch commercials will get to sit through a million versions of this smut, where winking Ad Men will use it to sell products such as cars, purple pills, cat food, diapers, paper towels, baby food, oranges, breakfast cereal, pistachios, and sunglasses. And they will RUN IT INTO THE FUCKING GROUND harder than United 93 Axis kamikaze pilot Andreas Lubitz. If Chester Cheetah isn't wearing a blindfold, how is PepsiCo supposed to make any money? Those ads will of course all win Clio Awards, until eventually a new category is created: Grand Excellence in 50 Shades of Great Jorb, Juice. Shameless companies have already capitalized on the Fifty Shades phenomenon with ads for baby clothes, fabric softener, cellphones, and teddy bears. Srsly. Even it-puts-the-lotion-on-its-skin ad campaigns may appear, two dozen years late, because fuck everything, we've got lotion to sell.

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez. And then he’s inside me… ah!


—A commercial for the Detroit Red Wings or Tampax?

The vocabulary of Erika Mitchell

In the book version of the movie, the word erection occurs 19 times in this smut, which includes 16 instances of "his erection." As in, "Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow..." But the only occurrence of the word dick is in the phrase "dickless jock." There are zero instances of penis or pussy or cunt. Also, all incidents of the word cock appear in phrases where someone moves their head. For example, "cocks his head to one side" appears no less than 16 times. Was it autism?

Fuck my mouth!


—fastest selling paperback of all time

Oh, how demeaning is this, demeaning and scary and hot.


—fastest selling paperback of all time

“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.


—fastest selling paperback of all time, or one of Mohammed's child brides?

“I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.


—Yes, you read that correctly.

Very slowly he eases into me, pulling my hair at the same time… oh the fullness.


—filling that empty, empty void the only way she knows how

he may be fifty shades of fucked-up, but he's mine.


—fastest selling paperback of all time,

We are wet mouths and tongues, tangled hair, and moving hips.


—fastest selling paperback of all time

But now I feel like a receptacle – an empty vessel to be filled at his whim.


—fastest selling paperback of all time

My inner goddess

The phrase "inner goddess" occurs exactly 58 times in slut trashterpiece 50 Shades of Grey. My inner goddess doesn't know how to feel about this...

My inner goddess is thrilled. I can do this. I can fuck him with my mouth.


—E. L. James suggesting that blowjobs could be mouthrape against men.

My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at me.


—fastest selling paperback of all time

My inner goddess has her pom poms in hand - she’s in cheerleading mode.


—and we all know what cheerleading mode means

My inner goddess pole-vaults over the fifteen-foot bar.


—something the landwhales reading this book will never do

My inner goddess is doing back flips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast.


—the author pointing out who buyers of the book will never look like

I examine the list, and my inner goddess bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream.


—E. L. James pointing out the real Submissive every hag reader of this shit has the mind of but no longer looks like

Holy Moses

Since E. L. James has a puny female brain and is also a former TV executive, but mostly because she has a puny female brain, her vocabulary of words for astonishment are quite limited, as seen in the fastest selling paperback of all time:

  • oh (461)
  • holy (160)
  • crap (92) or crapola (1) (93)
  • jeez (81)
  • holy shit (54)
  • holy crap (41)
  • holy fuck (23)
  • holy cow (19)
  • holy hell (13)
  • holy Moses (8)
  • double crap (7)
  • holy mackerel (1)
  • triple crap (1)

Tentatively, I move my hands up to his face and into his hair. Holy Moses.


—If this bitch doesn't have her fingers in hair, she dies.


The word assault occurs 12 times in this filth. But you wouldn't understand. You just don't get it, okay? I don't have to explain myself to you.

Contrary to what wimmins say, but common knowledge to Boko Haram and sex traffickers and serial killers, females actually enjoy being kidnapped, tied up, held against their will, and beaten:

“You’d kidnap me?” “Oh yes,” he grins. “Hold me against my will?” Jeez this is hot.


—fastest selling paperback of all time

If you follow these rules to my satisfaction, I shall reward you. If you don’t, I shall punish you, and you will learn,” he whispers.


—fastest selling paperback of all time

And he hits me again and again. From somewhere deep inside, I want to beg him to stop. But I don’t. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. He continues the unrelenting rhythm. I cry out six more times. Eighteen slaps in total. My body is singing, singing from his merciless assault.


—fastest selling paperback of all time, or Lars Von Trier film?

You wanted to know why I felt confused after you – which euphemism should we apply - spanked, punished, beat, assaulted me. Well during the whole alarming process I felt demeaned, debased and abused. And much to my mortification, you’re right, I was aroused, and that was unexpected.


—fastest selling paperback of all time

He stares down at me for a moment, measuring my need, then he grabs me suddenly and flips me over. It takes me by surprise, and because my hands are tied, I have to support myself on my elbows. He pushes both my knees up the bed so my behind is in the air, and he slaps me hard. Before I can react, he plunges inside me. I cry out – from the slap and from his sudden assault, and I come instantly again and again, falling apart beneath him as he continues to slam deliciously into me. He doesn’t stop. I’m spent. I can’t take this… and he pounds on and on and on... then I’m building again… surely not… no…


—page 12 of My Story by Elizabeth Smart

Inside the mind of a middle-aged cumdumpster

Oh. The author is a man. That explains everything.

In the interest of scholarly inquiry, other word frequencies in the fastest selling paperback of all time written by housewife and mother-of-two Erika Mitchell include:

  • my (3772) or me (2695) or mine (121) (6588)
  • he (3401) or his (2444) or he's (686) (6531)
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  • look (200) or looks (144) or looking (48) or looked (5) (397)
  • breath (74) or breathes (67) or breathing (60) or breathe (46) or breathlessly (7) or breathless (7) or breathtaking (6) or breathy (6) or breathtakingly (2) or breathing's (1) or breaths (1) (277)
  • feel (255) or feeling (75) or feels (32) or feelings (19) (381)
  • hair (253)
  • voice (208)
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  • mouth (202)
  • lips (131) or lip (69) (200)
  • kisses (104) or kiss (57) or kissing (27) or kissed (9) (197)
  • come (148) or comes (45) (193)
  • face (179)
  • sex (77) or sexual (29) or sexy (21) or sexually (7) or sexing (2) or sexy-looking (1) or sexuality (1) or sexiest (1) or sexier (1) (140)
  • hard (130) or harder (24) or harden (5) or hardening (2) (161)
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  • Red Room of Pain (10) or Red Room of...Pain...or Pleasure (1) (11)
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  • humiliating (3) or humiliation (2) (5)
  • pinned (2) or pinning (2) or pins (1) (5)
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See Also

Fifty Shades of Grey
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[...and then there was a gay orgy.It was a dark and stormy night...]

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Featured article March 1 & 2, 2015
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