Airplane

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A typical airplane.
A typical flight.
baby troll
They raped my mother and killed my family and stole my job and sold cocaine to school children down the street.

An airplane, plane or jet is a giant flying metal dildo used to carry fat Americans to distant places, like Drug World, Jewland, Glorious Nippon, Vodka Country,That place full of fucking rednecks, or world trade centers. Airplanes can also be used as weapons, or have weapons attached (often dildo-shaped also) to them or in the cargo hold for the purpose of pwning Arabs and other people you don't like. Airplanes come in all shapes, though usually they look like a huge cock with wings. They can range in sizes going from one-seaters to being able to hold 700 people.

A Typical Airplane

What most people call a "plane" is a medium-to-high density passenger airliner, with most varieties being built by Airbus, Boeing, Embraer, Ilyushin or Canadair. They seat between 130-450 people on average, depending on the size. Major airports see more medium and large-sized jets, while smaller towns see small, "puddle hopper" jets/turboprops, that seat between 5-25. A typical "aeroplane" can be a troll by itself, trolling passengers and crew waking them at 3:00 am to tell them to get ready to die just for the lulz and curing instantly the constipation commonly associated with long trips.

Brief History

Fucking Furries...

In the early-mid 1900s, the Wright Brothers proved flight was possible in Kitty Hawk with their giant paper-mache toy with a lawnmower engine. Over the next 60 years, things were pretty bad. Flights fell out of the sky, disappeared or disintegrated. Reliability and safety became a priority, and things calmed until the 1970s when pilot error became the crash favorite. In 1977, the worst aviation disaster occurred in Tenerife, causing some 583 deaths. It was later discovered to be pilot error, thanks to the Dutch. After pilot training and rigorous rules were set in place, attention focused to terrorism, with hijackings becoming common in Nigeria and other shitty places. Terrorists, after being foiled, moved to planting bombs in aircraft. The worst bomb disaster was witnessed in 1988, over Lockerbie, Scotland. When bombs couldn't get through, "terrorists" started pretending they had bombs to seize aircraft, and did WTC.

Choosing the Best Aircraft for the Job

A Boeing 767 doing WTC

Depending on your situation, you can expect to ride on at least one of these fabulous airplanes!

  • Going a few states over? Expect an Airbus A320/Boeing 737. Comfortable, but cramped.
  • Heading around the world? Hope for an Airbus A340/Boeing 777-200LR. Huge, with plenty of plush 1st class seats that you can't afford to sit in.
  • Want the biggest? Try an Airbus A380/Boeing 747! You'll feel like you've come out of a sardine can when you arrive.
  • Short distance? You're getting something smaller than your dick.
  • Faking a terrorist attack? Try a Boeing 767, they give the most bang for your buck.
  • Want to Crash and die in the middle of the Ocean during the night? An Airbus A330-200 is the way to go! OR BETTER! A 757! MUCH POWER IN SUCH A DILDO SHAPED PLANE! Also, if you are really set on crashing and burning try a helicopter.

Parts of an Airplane

A typical visit to the lavatory.
  • Wings - The big flappy things that jut off the sides, normally with engines hanging underneath. If you plan on flying US Airways, these are great for standing on when your plane sinks into a body of water.
  • Engines - Huge ass turbofans that suck air in and blow it out the back, spinning at 6-10k RPM. Turns your mom into hamburger.
  • Cockpit - Where your captain will almost certainly be drunk and asleep. Fear not, the co-pilot, First Officer or Navigator nobody will be flying today. Mind the bumps. Great place for sex, another name for a woman's Vage or a Fag's ass. Admit it. You were thinking all of them.
  • Lavatory - The place where you take that really cute blond from seat 19E to fuck her brains out so you can claim your Mile High Club membership. Please, don't smoke or spend 4 hours in here.
  • Galley - The tiny kitchen where flight attendants hang around in-flight. Full of delicious cake, alcohol and fresh blankets, as well as headsets and heavy drink carts. Feel free to accost any flight attendants you see in the galley.
  • Cargo Hold - Hiding place for luggage, cars, pets and sleeping ground handlers, the cargo hold is mainly inaccessible from inside the plane, except on TV, where an hero finds win because the plot demands it.
  • Landing Gears - The wheels on sticks used to keep a plane in motion when landing. JetBlue ordered most of their A320s with sideways front landing gears.

Things You May Hear While Aboard an Airplane

This CAN happen...
This is your Captain. A black person woman.
  • This is Your Captain Speaking, though heard on almost every flight, is not always true. Often times, the "Captain speaking" is indeed, just the co-pilot, the un-important waste of life in the right-hand seat that should be condescended to on a constant basis.
  • In the unlikely event of ______ - Yes, crashes do happen, and it's normally pilot error. These procedures are designed to save your life, so please, pay attention to them and the safety card in your seatpocket, you stupid fuck.
  • .. Making our final descent - At the final ding of this announcement, make your way for the lavatory for one last shit. You will more than likely be going around in a circle above your destination for several hours.
  • Delay at gate - The airport has become too busy to handle your scheduled flight and you will take off when the situation is fixed. This MAY take several hours, in heavily congested/weather-delayed areas. Please don't attempt to jump off the plane, you will be arrested.
  • Change of equipment - Fear not passengers, something has gone haywire on our brand new $100m airplane. This is commonplace, as the people who build them are inconsistent, ruthless black person who can't read Ikea directions.
  • Emergency Landing - Look, this term is used on the aire of caution. If we say this, DO NOT FUCKING PANIC. It's probably minor. If there's something serious going on, you'd know. People and bits of airplane would be missing.
  • Easy Victor or Evacuate - If you hear this, the disaster of the crash is over and you're alive. Be thankful, gain your balance, and head for the nearest exit you can use. If it is blocked, move to another quickly. Do not crawl unless there is smoke, you will be trampled. If you cannot move, scream for help until someone finds you.
  • Too fasten your seatbelt - This is said before every flight has taken off. This revolutionary thin piece of fabric and nylon will in fact save you from decompression and/or the fuselage tearing open and plummeting from 30,000 feet.

Air Travel Etiquette

The best you can expect is to stare at clouds for hours.
Yes, you will be here all day.
How planes fly.jpg

When traveling on an airplane, there are things one must remember. A typical scenario follows (adjust the severity of bullshit proportionally to the duration of your flight):

Mary Sue arrives at the Philadelphia International Airport 3 hours early, so she can pass through the TSA checkpoints, security clearances, baggage checks, genital and tit inspection, oath swearing, and other nonsense designed to keep the riff-raff out of air travel and to steal people's belongings. She then makes her 2 mile journey to the check-in desk, making sure her flight has not yet been canceled, and as luck would have it, it hasn't been. She finds a seat in the airline lounge area, playing with her black personberry and listening to the too-quiet public address system to hear her flight number for half an hour. The call is heard, and she moves towards the gate, filing in a mile-long single file line. After her ticket has been scanned and she has been spat on by a customer service agent, Mary walks down the jetwalk into the small, cramped jet. The airline Mary has chosen does not believe in assigned seating, so she attempts to find a window seat, but is stuck with a middle seat between two fat gentlemen in dirty clothing. After boarding, she pays careful attention to the emergency briefing, reclines her seat and turns on her laptop to watch the newest Animu DVD she bought in the airport Borders.

The plane taxis to the runway, and after sitting in rush-hour traffic, idling away, takes off two hours late. During the flight our hero chugs down her weight in Coke, attacks several bags of peanuts, and watches the in-flight entertainment, which today is a stewardess telling jokes. As the flight nears its conclusion somewhere near Pittsburgh, Mary has to piss and attempts to use the lavatory, only to find it has been occupied. On the way back to her seat, it becomes vacant but a faster passenger gets to it first. Mary grunts, but returns to her seat defeated, and after squeezing back in between the hambeasts reclines back, only to hear those dreadful words "And please put your seatback in its full upright position". Angry, uncomfortable, annoyed Mary snarls at a flight attendant for alcohol, only to be told drink service has concluded. She lashes out, calling the flight attendant a whore, and is then subdued by sky marshals as a suspected terrorist. As she is tackled by the burly rent-a-cops, the pressure imposed on her bladder causes her to piss herself. The plane lands in its intended destination of Cleveland, Ohio and Mary is disembarked in handcuffs and soaking pants, is escorted by heavily armed security pimps, and is taken to a secret holding area in the airport. She is finally released weeks later, mentally and physically battered. She can no longer speak, other than to say: "I'm never flying again!"

So remember kids, always be courteous on an airplane! If you're not, you could be called a terrorist by Uncle Sam!

But if you miss your plane by a few seconds, throwing a tantrum will make the plane come back to the gate or pick you up, or so this woman thinks:

Common Ways to Troll Aerophiles

Yes, there are people who don't torrent.
Simple Troll: Be Mr Gay...

Pilots, armchair airline aficionados and such are quite easily trollable. Here are some common ways you can make them ragequit:

  • Ask them the tail numbers of the 9/11 hijackings, and then say they're wrong
  • If they are virtual pilots, mock them for playing pretend, like some sort of furry.
  • Use improper terminology - You don't even have to try very hard, just mix a word or two up. Rage ensues.
  • Pretend to be an armchair CEO for an airline and complain about something irrelevant.
  • Ask when the Boeing 787 is going into service. It went into service on July 4th, 2011
  • Call an Airbus a "computer with wings".
  • Call the attendant a "waitress" regardless of their gender.
    • Bonus: Call the waitress "Toots" and ask for a martini.
  • Repeatedly quote lines from Airplane!.
  • Ask if the jet in Soul Plane was real.
  • Wear aviators and claim to own a Learjet.
  • Ask them to do a barrel roll, or ask if they ever have.
  • Tell them you are cabin crew, then ask what PAX are.
  • Get a job in airline Catering and break the service trolley latches in long aircraft.
  • Declare loudly that there are MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE.
  • Hijack their jet
  • End every sentence with "Niner".

Typical Landing

Flight Attendants

Virgin Airlines

The best thing about flying is that there are beautiful women paid to make you comfortable. These sky cunts will be more than happy to serve you coffee, a pillow or an emergency slide if you so desire. The buffer between the captain and the angry passengers will always be those underpaid, dim-witted folk that tell you the local time when you land. If there's a problem, you'll always see a smiling flight attendant seconds later.

But as with all things, there are different versions and some are better than others. So below is a comprehensive guide to which airlines boast the more attractive Flight Attendants, and which to avoid when you book your next ticket to Sukura-Con.

Virgin Blue Australia, Pacific Blue, V-Australia and other Virgin Airlines

The Virgin girls are some of the best in the business, for looks and service. Virgin has a great policy for their Cabin Crew which states that if you don't smile and hit on your passengers, you can GTFO. The uniforms are all fitted well and the colors complement beautifully. The girls are extremely friendly on the short haul flights, owing to the fact that they are all fresh out of Aviation Australia and are just happy to be fagging around on a ZOMG REAL LYF PLANE!!!1.

Virgin Rating: 4 out of 5 stars, because to be honest they're quite okay.

Jetstar and Qantas, Qantaslink

No one wants to fly Jetstar

Going by air is the best to get to WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU going. Jetstar, Qantas and Qantaslink Cabin Crew are one of the most variable. One flight you could have the nicest and hottest babes in the world on your flight. Then the next, you're stuck in an airborne tin can being served dry beef by 50 year old Dragon-Ladies and AIDS infected homosexuals.

Jetstar, the cheapest of the three, tend to be the best bet, being a fairly new airline they have the freshest blood. Qantas International is a major no go, as they haven't hired a new Flight Attendant in 14 years. These flights are all full of women older than your mother, but you might like that, you sick fuck.

QantasLink is the rural service, so unless you plan on a nice trip to Wolf Creek, you will never board one of these tiny Dash 8 planes. That's actually a lie, you will and you must. Apart from those shitty Dash 8's which are probably as safe as having anal sex with your AIDS ridden mother, you do have the choice of flying Boeing 717's but they're operated by another mob called Cobham using the QantasLink brand. Cobham's flight attendants are actually hot and love the D so if you've ever wanted to make your dream of having a steamy romp with an air hostess in a plane toilet come true, then make sure your next flight from Cairns to Petrol-Sniffer Springs is on a QantasLink Boeing 717.

Now we know that overall Qantas doesn't give a rats arse about regional Australia and QantasLink do the best with what they've got so on some routes e.g. Brisbane to Mackay where the amount of customers trying to escape both shitholes is at an all time high, they wet-lease some ancient Fokker 100's from a FIFO mob called Alliance Airlines for the daily BNE-MKY 9:10am flights which are as filthy and musty as the family heirlooms your grandmother left you in her will and are noisy as fuck. They have the most down to earth flight attendants to make up for you having to fly one of their old-as-fuck death traps.

I should warn you, if you're flying 2 hours from say, Mt Isa to Brisbane on QantasLink, BRING YOUR OWN FUCKING FOOD. While all the soft drink and piss are free, QantasLink's idea of lunch is some shitty foam container with yogurt, a muffin bar, some shitty processed apricots and other little fuck-knuckles they include which not only taste like shit, you're not going to feel full in a hurry unless you fill up on Coke & Rum and arrive your destination pissed.

Jetstar Rating: 3 out of 5 stars, you could do better but hey, you tried. Qantas Rating: 2 out of 5 stars, why even bother mate QantasLink Rating: 4 out of 5 stars: Because you can score easy roots

Emirates / Eithad

Emirates wins

Emirates is the cream of the fucking crop. Their Flight Attendants go through a more rigorous and thorough selection process than any other airline. Their fingernail are even inspected, and must conform to a set regulation. The charm and service of Emirates girls cannot be denied, they are the most pleasant people to be on a flight with.

Unfortunately, Emirates is owned by Arabs and therefore have a healthy amount of their flights to current war zones. But not to worry, Emirates do also fly to other places where you are less likely to cop a cap in the ass.

Emirates is an international airline, and therefore have classes within their aircraft. And also being the awesome people they are, the better class you fly in, the hotter your Cabin Crew. But you'll pay for it; it costs $14000 to fly from Sydney to London, first class on Emirates. So if you have the trust fund, get your ass on one of these flights, you won't regret it.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars, if you can afford it.

Cathay Pacific / Air China / Korean Air / Japan Airlines / Asiana Airlines / China Airlines / Singapore Airlines / ANA

Responsible for nosebleeds

If you plan on traveling across Asia, you'll probably be flying one of these. Short, azn females with great assets, these airlines commonly feature rotten fish, Starcraft and crashes. Luxurious in some cases, most flights are at the very least clean and comfortable, even if you do go crashing into Haneda, or get shot down by Russians. Singapore airlines stewardesses give the best cabin services of all. Rating: 4 out of 5, even though your pilot took off on a runway full of cranes, or people trying to shoot them.

Southwest Airlines

Yeah, this is what your daddy was fapping to in the day.

Sure they're cheaper than air and they have no luxuries like little TVs, golden iPods and the like, Southwest has always made up for it's lacking services with overly joyful and sometimes quite hot flight attendants. In the past, female flight attendants wore hot pants, go-go boots and tight, revealing tops. Such is not the case today, as Southwest has become a semi-lulz killer, making it's staff cover up while hiring more old women and gay males. At the very least, the crew aboard a Southwest jet tries perilously to entertain you, with it's jokes, sing-alongs, contests, games, trivia and anything else we can throw at you. Shit, we've got a black person rapping the safety briefing. What more do you want?

Every person on the plane except including you will be a redneck. In the unlikely event that some Muslim tries to hijack the plane, every redneck on board will simultaneously get up and pwn the shit out of that commie bastard with the sawed off shotguns conveniently located under every seat.

Just be sure to pack a lunch, a novel and your laptop (and the five dollars you'll need for a shitty connection from Row 44); and you should be set. As much Coke as you can drink, available at no cost.

Southwest Rating: 3 out of 5 stars, but they try to troll so we give them credit. Better than other Domestic US Airlines.

Continental Airlines / United Airlines

If you only care about getting from Point A to Point B on time and in one piece, this airline is for you. Boarding is short, sweet, and to the point, (Got your ticket? Wonderful! Get on the damn plane.) and unlike most airlines, when their departure time comes up, they get the fuck off the ground. Most of the time, you have to endure a shitty movie that's been watered down by the censors. Good news is, they've put DirecTV on most of their airliners (not the dumbass little puddle jumpers), so you can enjoy that and/or listen to your iPod and/or read. They land on time, sometimes even ahead of time, and they haven't had a major accident in 20 or 30 years. As for flight attendants, they are entirely random. You either get attractive female attendants, ugly menopausal bitches, or gay men. Most of the time it's a combination of the three. Service is mediocre; drinks are free, but they give you goddamn microwaved cheeseburgers for breakfast.

Continental Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars, would be higher except for the random combination of flight attendants, bad movies and/or food, and the fact that at Houston Intercontinental, THEIR TERMINAL IS ALL THE WAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GODDAMN AIRPORT, AND IT TAKES THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES TO GET THERE!

UPDATE: As of August 27, 2010, Continental Airlines and United Airlines have merged, becoming the world's HUEGEST airline.

Air France

Air France = babes

Sure they're French. Sure they have had thousands of accidents. Sure they destroyed the future of supersonic travel. Yes they're French which means the plane will be filthy and the captain will reek of wine, but fuck, just look at the babes they put on these flying time bombs! Air France has possibly the most attractive Flight Attendants of all European airlines. The uniforms are slimming, short and spunky. The girls are French, with the sexiest accents around. And what's more, their service isn't bad either.

The airline itself has been though some tough times, which one can perhaps blame on Airbus and their shit planes, or Mercedes and their explosive Concorde engines, but recently they have become a decent carrier. They are middle ranged with pricing, and service most countries.

An excellent choice for your next 20hr perve, though it has been noted to avoid flying Air France to Canada during a rain storm, or anywhere from Brazil.

Air France Rating: 3.75 out of 5 stars, the airline isn't great, but the girls really make up for it.

Delta Air Lines

So fucking true it hurts.

If it's plastic that you seek, and if you like sitting on the tarmac for five hours, then Delta is the airline you deserve. Flight attendants on Delta are more often than not bored, lonely housewives with more silicone and botox than a Los Angeles doctor's office. With a comforting southern drawl and an odd charm, Delta for some reason decided to rebrand itself a couple of times in the past decade, but they've ended up with old women from Northwest and fags from Southwest, making a fail crew. You have the Elite First class, which includes lazyboy recliners, HDTV's, and champagne by the glass, for the reasonable price of your first born son. If you are not up to the challenge of amassing the huge fucking fortune required to sit in First class, you have "Economy Class", which is very similar to sitting in a crowded bus in Albania. If you are a flight attendant employed by Delta, be prepared for horny old business men to smack your ass.

Protip: Don't drink the sweet tea. JUST DON'T.

Protip: Delta= Doesn't Ever Leave The Airport

Delta Rating: 3 out of 5 stars, you could do worse, and everyone knows sysops love Delta.

British Airways

Queen Elizabeth II will be your trainee today.

Yes, every stodgy memory from the UKistan can be summed up in British Airways. Flight attendants have awfully crooked teeth and are mostly far above the age of retirement. Those who aren’t antique are either so fat they struggle to drag their disgusting fat bodies down the aisles or are ridiculously gay men with bright orange skin. The service is past dated and the accommodations are less than luxurious for people who are too poor to travel in first or business class. Unless you're looking for a gilf, or you happen not to be a bitter lower class prole you're wasting your time. Avoid like the bubonic plague.

Extra note: If you are traveling through Heathrow's Terminal 5, pack no more than a carry-on bag, or your luggage will be killed with fire after being lost.

British Airways rating: 2 out of 5 stars. For the money you're paying, you'd be wiser it all to ED.

Lufthansa

With a time table stricter and more efficient than Auschwitz, Lufthansa is the cool, modern, fresh airline. The babes of Lufthansa, like any German girl, are blond, blue-eyed, round-tittied Nazis, and will crack a whip at you if you fuck up. If you're a trendsetter, you fly Lufthansa to Hamburg. Lufthansa was the base airline of the movie "Flightplan", in which the batshit insane flight attendant kidnaps an engineer's daughter, in order to get money. If you plan on traveling with children, remember to not fall asleep, and no matter what those people tell you, you're not crazy. Unfortunately, 99% of Flights get cancelled or delayed due to butthurt Air Traffic Controllers/Pilots constantly being on strike because they think a 100.000€ income per year isn't enough.

Lufthansa rating: 4 out of 5 stars, the closest thing you can get to what air travel should be.

Ryanair

Yeah, you'd enjoy landing 200km from your destination if she were your in-flight entertainment.

Dubbed "THE low-fare airline", Ryanair prides itself on being cheap, lulzy and in business. They charge ridiculously cheap prices for passengers, and find ways to make up for the loss of profit by torturing employees and customers. They pay their flight attendants based on how many sandwiches they sell you, and their pilots in dirt. As you'd expect, Ryanair is an entry-level airline meaning most of the crew are right out of high school, and looking to get their foot in the door. What you get: Busty, 19 year old girls with too much whiskey and not enough brain cells, and pilots with only basic flight training in cheap flight school. Their staff are among the rudest people in the world. For them, quality customer service is about as realistic as the Holocaust. They charge their passengers for every little fucking thing, even to go to the bathroom, and an especially hefty price for the single peanut everyone gets as a snack. And flights are often delayed or called off. People ignore this due to the fact that it would fly a homeless drunk anywhere in the world if he gave them his $30. If you're in to fake tans from IbizaIbitha, Ryanair is who you fly to the next party hot spot come summer holiday.

FACT: you have to pay them in order to be allowed to pay for your flight ticket.

Ryanair rating: 5 out of 5 stars, for Michael O'Leary's trolling and the calendars. Look, be the lulzy airline, not the broke one. You have an audience open to you. Don't pass it up.

Air New Zealand

Little known fact that New Zealand is an Asian country

Another Southern owned and operated airline, catering to middle management types and other kinds of people. Air New Zealand is based in Auckland, New Zealand and mostly flys internationally, owing to the fact that one can walk from one side of New Zealand to the other in a day, and still have time to fuck some sheep.

Just don't take an Air New Zealand scenic flight over Antarctica! Or you may end up dead, like 257 other people did when their pilot crashed into a mountain.

Air New Zealand rating: 3 out of 5 stars, purely for the fact that the flight attendants wear "Fuck Me" boots.

El Al

This is your air hostess on El Al

El Al is the official airline of the Jew State of Israel. It has moar experience with Muslim terrorists than any other airline in the world. As a result, El Al came up with a simple solution: No Arabs! There is, of course, an exception for Arabs being kidnapped by Mossad agents.

As you may have already guessed, it is ridiculously expensive and offers shitty customer services so that its CEOs can hog all the money. All flight attendents are hawt IDF chicks who will shoot you if you attempt to flirt with them or even look at their asses too long. That is, of course, if you're not a Jew. If you are a Jew, they will gladly provide you extra services in exchange for money. They all carry machine guns to not just shoot pervert gentiles, but also to ward off Muslims. It operates flights to Europe, and charges Gentiles a $400 "subhuman-idol-worshipper" fee. Israel only a couple of airports due to its small size, the laziness of Palestinian slaves, and tourists' fears of shahids.

Virtual Airplanes and You

Perhaps the most common on the internet, the armchair pilot believes he knows everything because he torrented the PMDG MD-11. Everyone knows the boredom that is Microsoft Flight Simulator, yet it has developed a cult following since it's inception in 1987. People pay upwards of $500 for additional software, Boeing and Airbus joysticks they stole from walmart or goodwill, and have gone as far as to build homebrew cockpits, costing more than the average car. While this enhances the level of realism, a large group take this far too seriously and fail to remember that the Internet is not serious business, and should not be conducted like such.

By far though, the virtual "airline" managers seem to have the largest egos seen this side of dA. They are much like sysops or moderators, with a fake fancy title of "Hub Manager" and "Virtual CEO". The most famous, Nick Bartolotta - Chairman, ATA Virtual, learned that the internet should never be used as serious business, no matter how much you cry "It's only pretend!", and in 2007 was sued by the former owners of ATA Airlines for trademark infringement, thus being forced to close his virtual airline, and lay-off 2,400 pilots.

The most interesting case of virtual jethead butthurt came this Thursday, May 14th, 2009, when a group of internet hackers on steroids broke into the most prevalent freeware host, destroying everything, including backups. LOL!

YouTube is home to much virtual airline and pilot drama, due to it's easy access by 13 year old know-nothings who think they could land a loaded airliner in devastating conditions. Entering the search terms "Virtual (Airline name here) landing" and making a troll comment is sure to spark a flamewar the size of Cambodia.

PROTIP: There is no feeling like flying a real airplane. Go take a discovery flight if you're really interested in learning. If you're looking to play a video game, play a video game. If you want a subculture, try something else.


Common traits of a virtual airline:

  • Pedophiles (United Virtual has a senior member named "Anklesock Littlegirlsocks" which is a man).
  • Poor organization skills by placing all directives as sticky notes on an exploitable phpBoard.
  • "Checkrides" where a 14 year old in Romania will tell you that you we're a little late to turn on your strobes when you crossed the runway threshold.
  • Forums where people toss stories about rough flights flown from their basement.


How to troll a virtual airline:

  • State that PMDG makes a shitty product and that Ariane is far superior and worth the price tag.
  • Say FSX is better than FS9.
  • Respond to threads and tell people they are wrong, claim you are a real airline pilot and don't have time for their jibber jabber.
  • Claim you keep getting rejected for a promotion because of the jewish zog conspiracy.
  • Tell that they're computer is shitty for fsx and that they need a better one.
  • Ask how many bogies they've shot down in FSX.


In addition to virtual airlines there have been quite a few virtual military's whom instead of faping to flying long boring passenger flights want to instead pretend to dogfight or rescue their buddy's in their super cool helicopter behind the enemy lines of West Virginia

Such Organisations include: FSX Fleet, GPEO

VATSIM

If simulating a virtual career wasn't bad enough, some fucks decided to hack up IRC to pass navigational coordinates and hook it up to Microsoft Flight Simulator. Not far behind were people programming virtual air traffic control scopes to simulate being controllers. In this network of basement dwellers, one can connect and with luck might actually hear other 13-year old's requesting clearance and controllers vectoring them poorly around this virtual airspace. Since there are not enough basement dwellers who are available 24/7 to cover the entire globe, "fly-in" events are held to force people to fly into a particular city. Such exhibitions are roughly the equivalent of shouting FREE BOY SEX in front of pedophiles. With so many 13-year old's yammering for IFR clearance and arguing over squawk codes and bitching about how they forgot to flip some black switch, one would wonder why aren't you doing something better on your Friday night?

How to troll VATSIM (moar like SCATSIM, amirite) like a pro:

  • Connect as any of the 9/11 flights callsigns and simulate a hijacking. For added lulz, state that you have regained control of the aircraft from the arabs and want to land. Repeatedly blame jews throughout the entire flight for this travesty.
  • Declare emergencies of various nature, such as a passenger masturbating on another female companion that requires an emergency divert. State you have photographs of the evidence you are ready to post on AVSIM if they do not comply.
  • Constantly request ATC to repeat everything they said. When they get frustrated, tell them to buy a real microphone instead of that skype bullshit.
  • Connect your aircraft to the network while sitting on an active runway during a busy fly-in. When requested to move, say you need a tow truck.
  • Report UFO's in midflight and ask other pilots if they have seen them. If they deny it, accuse them of being apart of the ZOG.
  • Following all procedures correctly get clearance from ATC to land a glider on the busiest runway you can find. Once down politely request a tow off the runway, control will panic since they can't actually do that but will be unable to remove you from the server since you haven't actually done anything "unrealistic". In the meantime you're blocking the runway and generally ruining every VA pilot's day.

Aviation Safety Network

The Aviation Safety Network is a site launched by bitter, retired pilots in an attempt to take all airlines out of business. It is only visited by nervous flyers who seek an excuse for their laughable phobia. It features a database of all aviation safety occurences (read: plane crashes) since the stone age.

Content

A cockpit recording transcript is a chatlog containing the last comments exchanged between the reckless pilots of a plane going to hell.

Typical example:

02:07:45  	CAP:  	850 meters
02:07:45 	--: 	(Audio tone of AOA (angle of attack) alert and maximum acceleration reached)
02:07:47  	--:  	(Audio tone of autopilot disconnection warning)
02:07:49 	CAP: 	Fuck! What are you doing!
02:07:51 	CAP: 	Speed!
02:07:52 	??: 	…
02:07:53 	CAP: 	… Fuck, push it up! (throttles)
02:07:53 	F/O: 	Stop! Stop! Where! Where!
02:07:55 	CAP: 	Stop! Stop! Stop! (said in patter)
02:07:55 	NAV: 	This way, this way, this way.
02:07:57 	CAP: 	We’re recovering!
02:07:58 	NAV: 	Easy, make it easy, easy!
02:07:59 	F/O: 	Lets to the right!
02:08:02 	??: 	Power! Add thrust!
02:08:05 	??: 	Power!
02:08:06 	F/E: 	… got it!
02:08:08 	??: 	Add thrust!
02:08:09 	F/O: 	Take off power! Oh my God!
02:08:10 	F/E: 	Take off power set
02:08:11 	??: 	That’s all guys! Fuck!

The In-Flight Movie has begun...

Today's series is on the more amusing moments in aviation life.



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Featured article July 10 & July 11, 2013
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