Age of Conan

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The main character of Age of Conan.

Age of Conan is an overly hyped-up game developed last Thursday where its bullshit developers told a lot of lies about how amazing and next-gen it was going to be. Pretty graphics and a new combat system does not equal a good game. Funcom obviously hasn't learned their lesson from AO. Even Vanguard has been made into a better game. Age of Conan is also for those who want to jerk off to cyber boobs. At least it's not Star Trek Online where you can see the entire game in like three days.


The only good thing about AoC.

Funcom has announced an expansion. The expansion is set in the eastern, Asian lands of the Conan lore.

Some official artwork has been exposed at DragonCon 2008 of a ninja with a silver mask.


Conan Jews working for gold.
Also cocks.

It's still being worked over.


There are 4 main archetypes: the priest, warrior, rogue, and mage.

Warrior Classes

  • Guardian: A muscly manwhore who carries around a sword and shield. His entire purpose in life is to prevent his group-mates from being raped. That happy chore is solely reserved for himself, unless one of those FUCKING ROGUES STEALTHS AND DOES IT WHILE HE'S NOT LOOKING FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
  • Conqueror: He stands tall, commanding, and sets his piercing gaze upon the battlefield. Men in various stages of undress struggle with each other, locked in mortal strife. He does not see the individual battles, but rather the battle as a whole—he is a commander, a leader, a general. A young soldier steadies himself against a tree; the poor man is tired and disheartened. The conquerer strides over to him, his eyes like steel, burning as though fresh from the coals. His soldier needs inspiration. The conqueror draws in his breath and gathers his magics around him. He cries out in his mightiest voice of command, "You there! Suck my cock!"
  • Dark Templar: An emo/vampire class. Their combat is a divine expression of angst in which they either cut themselves to generate raw emo energy to smite their foes, or go into sparkle mode and suck the life right back out of them

Priest Classes

  • Priest of Mitra: General all around vagina-possessing pussy priest that just heals, wears cloth, and is as vulnerable as an altar boy in the Vatican to damage. This class can only survive by giving head to tougher classes.
  • Bear Shaman: A large hairy man with more muscles than a priest should rightly be allowed to have, he merely joined the priesthood to achieve easier access to tight boyholes. A cock-mongling Warrior-Priest hybrid, he must swing his huge Hammer in close combat in order to close enough to cast his cone-of-effect heals. He wears tight leather armor to show off his goods.
  • Tempest of Set: What whiny little whores play. It is essentially a high magic damage healer, that thankfully got nerfed soon after launch, or the entire game would have consisted of them.

Mage Classes

  • Herald of Xotli: A sword-fighting mage that allows his inner negroid RAGE to overwhelm him and turn into a filthy black person demon to rape his enemies
  • Necromancer: A a necrophile pimp, a mage who devotes his life to studying ways to increase his magic powers in order to raise more undead whores to pleasure him.

Rogue Classes

  • Asssassin: Surprise buttsecks incarnate. Stealthy class that carries around daggers to stick deep, deep into your rectum. When not raping people from behind, he spends all day on his back, the hilt of his dagger inserted into his urethra, jerking himself into a frenzy as he thinks of blood, death, and making sweet sweet love to intestines.
  • Ranger: Legolas with a penis, stands at a range and goes plink-plink-plink, popular with assholes who don't like paying attention to the screen.
  • Barbarian: A half naked wild man who runs around screaming and waving his axes. Although normally RPGs have barbarians as a WARRIOR class, the insane egotistical fucks at Fun Com, riding high on hookers and blow, decided Fuck it, we're like gods to these people, they'll follow OUR lead. They'll pay us a monthly fee to lag around unpopulated servers and masturbate to their character's tits! HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA


Button-mashing aside, gameplay consists mainly of walking 400,000 in-game miles from quest giver to quest location, running the 400,000 in game miles back after completing the quest, then finding out the quest is broken in the first place. Any cool looking gear you get will be replaced with a hat that looks like a penis at level 20. You will not get a new armor skin for the rest of the game. However, there are rumors that once you hit a higher level, new shiny armors are to be gained from dragon slaughtering, but we all know it's bullshit. The game is divided into two sections. Day time question, where you run around and do broken quests with ugly gear and incomprehensible stats, and night time where you play with yourself and follow your "storyline". Especially near the original launch, there was a very lulzy period where the first quest area was fully voice-acted, and the rest of the game was as silent as a nigger at a charity auction.

Starting the Game

Where is your God now?

After spending over 9,000 Jew golds to upgrade your computer to support AoC's amazing graphics engine, you realize you must pay at least 100 more Jew golds to upgrade your internets to download a 30gb patch, after wards you can start the game. You start off by making your character, who is a sex slave on a ship. The many customization options allow you to make your character exactly like you. That is, fat and ugly. After making an in-game clone of Daniele Fiorenza, your ship conveniently crashes and you end up stranded on a beach. When you wake up from your sex fantasies, some random black person comes and starts telling you what to do. He then tells you to go kill your pimp so you will no longer be a sex slave. You are then free to move around. Eventually you will hear some bitch screaming for help. Most people don't get farther than this, because the amazing graphics engine will probably have you running at 1 FPS. If, by some chance, you do get past this part, you will find the bitch chained up and blocking your way. The bitch will then tell you to go kill some black person for the key to her bonds. After button-mashing to kill a random guy, you get the key and free the girl. Unfortunately, the bitch doesn't realize you don't give a shit about her and asks you to escort her to the town. You travel along, learning how to button-mash until you find your pimp. He tells you he was looking for you, and orders you to come with him and have kinky sex with some demon he found. You then proceed to button-mash and kill the fat monstrosity. You can then continue through the game, quit, or commit suicide. If you continue, you will button-mash and lead a life of virginity and carpal tunnel. If you quit, you will troll the forums and create lulz, if you commit suicide you will be remembered and get your own special ED page!

End Game

Ballet in Age of Conan.

Siege battles are as broken as a black person's bike. This shit will lag like fuck and isn't even worth doing. Blocking doors on Habbo Hotel is more entertaining and won't cause your computer to blue screen.

City building consists of farming mats in Poitain like a black person. If you keep any gold for more bagspace or a faster mount, you are branded a covetous Jew.

Oh, and you can run around topless.


What the fuck isn't a fucking problem? No one can run this game. People who say they can are liars. When the game was released, anyone who tried using spellweaving would crash everyone in the zone. LOL. Memory leaks that Funcom wouldn't address caused people to upgrade their computers even more when it was a game problem. But there are pixelated tits, so its AWWRIGHT.

Typical PVP Battle

How to Troll AoCfags

See Also

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