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A rare joke from xkcd
A typical agnostic.

Oh, you're agnostic? You think there could be a Batman, you're just not sure?


—Doug Stanhope

An agnostic (moar like FAGnostic, amirite?) is a solipsist loser too cowardly to believe in something and calling that open-mindedness. Logically either God(s) exists or doesn't and agnostics believe in both situations simultaneously. The term agnostic was created by T.H. Huxley (some Britfag who was Darwin's biggest fanboi) cause he was getting butthurt from being called an atheist so he invented a word that he wouldn't mind being called.

Agnostics tend to react to any statement, whatsoever, on religious questions with epic butthurt, and have no sense of humor. They are more arrogant than atheists and Christians combined because they believe their religion is open-minded to the possibilities of god's existence (or non-existence!) and other religions aren't. They also believe that they are the only people who are truly non-religious. Therefore, they are to nonreligious people as Jews and Arabs are to religious ones. They are known for their inability to make a decision on anything. They will occasionally pipe up during an OL discussion of theology to point out waffling is the best option. Their posts are always TL;DR.

Use this to troll 'em:

Types of Agnostics

Agnostics fall into two categories, those who believe that it is impossible to determine whether or not there is a God, and those who don't care enough to form an opinion.

The first kind think this means they'll still make it to heaven when they die because they didn't doubt God (if god exists-hooooo!), yet still "win" religious debates on forums by 13 year old boys by saying the other side is closed-minded, and resorting to pathetic excuses like "just because there is zero evidence for God, doesn't mean he doesn't exist." Of course, they would never apply this logic to anything else, like say, the Easter Bunny.

The second type of agnostics argue that because one cannot prove or disprove the existence of God, afterlife or metaphysics, that there is no reason for them to adopt a stance either way. These people are just fucking lazy and would rather sit around smoking pot than do anything productive.

World Religious Opinion of Agnostics

To put it simply, noone likes Agnostics. Even Buddhists think they're pussies. However, Christfag and Atheistfag trolls will always make a futile attempt to convert them to their own argument, resulting in varying combinations of lulz and butthurt.

Theological Discussion With Agnostics OL

This man is clearly agnostic.
  • Why Are People Racist?
    • "I don't mind being called an Agnostic unless it's preceded by an insult, like 'fucking agnostic' or 'evil agnostic' or 'stupid agnostic'.
  • Apollo BBS Archives
    • "Fuck you, dip shit. By the way, if words do not hurt then how'se about me calling you a.......BIG FUCKING, A-G-N-O-S-T-I-C FAG. Huh? Well, gotta go, it's almost time for my next heroin fix. Hmmm, boy it is really good when it is mixed with crack."
  • The Centrifuge
    • "Wicked Cool! Do you know how I can join the Evil Agnostic Liberal Baby-Killers Club the official from Texas was referring to in her rant? Yup - there's nothing I like more than redistributing wealth from hardworking white Uh-murricans to lazy slack-jawed minorities. And any time I can blaspheme the Almighty and hack up some fetuses, well that's just a bonus."
  • The Raving Atheist
    • "This week's Godidiot, Professor Eugene Volokh of the Volokh Conspiracy, is a stupid and evil evangelical agnostic fucktard (but not otherwise unintelligent)."
  • Agnostics on agnosticism Urban Dictionary
    • Agnostic to me: I don't want to ask GOD for his/her/it's ID. I believe there is a GOD and I'm sure I don't know who or what it is.
  • StumbleUpon
    • "Science can be described as the art of systematic oversimplification." -Sir Karl Popper-

      The evidence of basic evolution is obvious, but the complexities are not and never will be conclusive until it is proven that there is no other possible explanation, whether divine, molecular, atomic, or quantum. This page is educational, but it really simplifies evolution to insinuate that there are still no mysteries to be discovered, such as why consciousness was an inevitable process of natural selection.

      Understanding a butterfly is red because of the prominence of red flowers is natural selection, but it does not prove more complicated traits of nature. There needs to be more answers before that can be asserted, which may never be determined from fossils.

      Hence agnosticism.
  • Non Agnostic: I do not believe that the universe was created 6,000 years ago.
    Agnostic: Well you can't prove or disprove it. I win.

Basically their defense mechanism is "PROVE ME WRONG".


Due to their intense belief that they are smarter than everyone else, Agnostics are very easily trolled during OL debates. Some useful tips:

  • Accuse them of being too stupid/lazy to make a real decision.
  • Offer to convert them to Christianity. (go fullblown atheist)
  • Accuse them of being atheists who are too scared to admit it in case they're wrong and God punishes them.
  • Say that just because there's no proof of something doesn't mean you shouldn't believe in it.
  • Tell them that Agnosticism is a religion.
  • Argue that evolution proves that God does not exist.
  • Offer to convert them to Atheism. (convert to christianity)
  • Claim that people who give Agnostic answers are just trying to be PC.
  • Accuse them of being believers who are too scared to admit it in case everyone thinks they're stupid.
  • Argue that the Bible proves that God does exist.

Agnostic's Prayer

"Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen."

  • Roger Zelazny, Creatures of Light and Darkness, 1969

See Also

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