Alvin Greene

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I am the best candidate for the United States Senate in South Carolina. And I am also the best person to be TIME magazine's Man of the Year.
 

 
 

—Alvin Greene


Yes we potato

Alvin Greene is an American war hero/basement dweller and possible porn star who won the 2010 Democrat nomination for United States Senator of South Carolina even though he never left his father's house and spent no money on campaigning. Alvin lacks even the most basic essentials for a man running for office, including a website and cellular phone. I mean seriously, what kind of dumb shit politician doesn't have a phone to hack?

Background

On qualification day, a lone Negro named Alvin Greene walked into the South Carolina General Assembly with $10,400 in cash, and wanted to be placed on the ballot. Because he was black, the good South Carolina legislators rightfully figured it was crack money and refused to take it, telling him to come back with a check. A few hours later Alvin Greene returned, this time with a check, and was placed on the ballot. At first, noone paid attention to him because he never appeared at any functions and raised no money while his opponent was working hard to gain the nomination and run against the incumbent Republican Jim Demint. But, on election day everyone was in for a shock as Alvin beat his opponent by twenty points.

Candidate Greene

Even by the already low standards of South Carolinians, Alvin Greene is an "exceptional individual". He was not even able to answer the most basic questions, such as explaining what TARP was or even who he is running against in November. Alvin Greene pretty much makes Sarah Palin look like Socrates. However while most Republicans love Palin because of her tits, Democrats wish Greene would fuck off or just die a mysterious death before the election a la JFK. (If only they could find a grassy knoll in South Carolina). That is not all of Greene's problems as he is also currently being charged with showing p0rn to a white female college student and was banned from the army for unknown reasons. He also asked the girl in question to "go to her room" (as in asking for sex) and surely it was in his rights to ask and receive sexual services as he an American Hero. Recently he announced plans to make a Toyline of his, to get America back to work.




Democrats See Black Helicopters

Not to be outdone by by Republican birthers, the Democrats have embarked on Alex Jones shit of their own, claiming that Alvin Greene is a Republican plant and questioning the results of the vote to assure GOP victory in November, complely ignoring that it makes no sense that the Republicans would do that as doing so would require the Republicans somehow get the word out on Alvin Greene to get enough people to vote for him while at the same time having him never run a single ad. In reality it is just a bunch of butthurt leftards trying to justify how a man this stupid could be the nominee.

   
 
There is well-documented unreliability and unverifiability of the voting machines used in South Carolina. Those machines were purchased surplus from Louisiana after that state outlawed them
 

 
 

—Vic Rawl

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Featured article November 1, 2010
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