Aka "The Farm Jews✡", the Amish are group of village idiots so stupid they were shunned by both their homeland of Germany and the country they now reside in. Of course the 290,100 Amish must be reminded what country they live in, since they are anti-map and anti-life, basically stuck in the Middle Ages. The greatest hypocrisy of the Farm Jews is that they are anti-all-technology...until they are not. Many of these bearded, pilgrim-looking pigfuckers are seen going on a horsey ride into town every day to use phones elsewhere, so that they can sell their offspring to travelling pedo businessmen.
They have their own mafia as well and take matters into their own hands if they're wronged, rather than just call any form of police, and go into peoples homes to cut their hair. Since pictures and videos are b& from their culture, it's up in the air if it's true or not.
When they become overflown with church team-building projects or spoiled, un-refrigerated milk from their cows, they are often seen riding the country roads to find more businessmen to pawn their kids off onto. Also, they LOVE having their pictures taken, and in some cases will gladly autograph a picture you took of them before if you get it developed. They call their shitspeak Penntard Dutch, even though its clearly German.
"English" residents of Amish country enjoy the luxury sharing the roads with the Amish. Delights include horses shitting all over the road and in front of your mailbox, moving 10 mph in an Amish buggy on a no-passing road, making it so when you speed up to pass, you accidentally take out the horse when you merge back into the lane.
Their methods of child abuse are similar to any other religious people, only in this case it SUCKS SO MUCH MOAR COCK than usual because you can't do shit or even play with your dick because Grampa said it causes hand babies! You will be forced to a life of solitude, and one day your family finally tells you you are free to leave (which is ridiculous because you could have always hitchhiked with one of those bypassers) to experience the world. The idea is that their training for you to be completely overwhelmed and useless by the vast progress of mankind will cause you to long for home and see that you were wrong to want to know why those birds are so loud and mechanical-looking, and why you always lose drag races.
Instead, most of these kids end up committing self-PWNage, just for the lulz.
But I Don't Wanna Give Up Life
The Farm Jews have their own church with their own rules, such as no phones, no electricity, no internets, no insurance, no military, and no anything resembling having a normal in the 2000s. Doing anything and not saying sorry will get you socially sodomized and shunned by everyone until you give in and get literally sodomized by them all and join their hivemind. If you do anything that draws any attention to yourself, like own a car, take pictures, or have any contact with the outside world like a human being, your ass is considered banned and you're looked upon like Lucifer for your vanity. Which is why you'll likely never see a "proper" Amish person on ED, ever. It's likely around half of those Amish are punished teenagers that their moms got fed up with, and sent them there to learn better cause disowning or spanking them or sending them to military school clearly takes too much effort.
Whenever you see Amish, you'll likely recognize their short stature, great amounts of diseases and disorders, and mass amount of inbreeding that rivals the hillbillies in the South. All of them treat it as "God's will", and since health insurance is clearly a bane of God, it's a wonder they live past 40.
is part of a series on Culture