Amp

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Before Eric Bauman was stealing shit from Something Awful, before emo camwhores were dumping their saggy tits all over Suicide Girls, before 4chan and 9/11, in a simpler time when goatse and tubgirl were still relevant, one man was there to deliver lulz and porn to you, the internet surfers, in a way that no one else could or would from then until present day.

The Encyclopedia Dramatica Historical Society fondly looks back to bring you this account naming one of the only sites worth visiting before the turn of the century and the man in charge of it all. This article is about Amp of Amp Loves You dot net.


SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PAY ATTENTION


Amp Loves You

Amp was the original distributor of the funnelgirl video as well as the kitten crush video. Some Argue the site was the number one source of shock images and video on the internet, which to this day echo throughout forums and chans, like a ghost in the machine with dicks for eyes, vomiting shit onto a cake. Amp had taste.

Use scrollbar to see the full image


Blogs

Before LiveJournal caught ablaze with emo aspies this man was the single voice of reason regarding all aspects of the human condition, not excluding the internet itself. Amp was truly a one-man Encyclopedia Dramatica. According to our records, Amp is the only person, ever, who would write a story about killing someone, say it was true, and keep saying it was true after the cops came just to bum a cigarette smuggled in someone else's butt pucker when he got to jail.


   
 
so I see some little girl walking. She looks to be about 13 or 14. Carrying a backpack, staring down at the pavement, completely oblivious to her surroundings. Looks obnoxious as fuck. This chic instantly becomes my target. Our paths intersect by sheer chance as I head in the direction of the convenience store nearby, and she doesn't bat an eyelash. This only angers me further. I reach down by my feet, grab some loose chunk of sidewalk about the size of my fist, and bash this piece of garbage on the side of the face with the force of a fucking hurricane. For no reason, basically. Just smashed her head with some cement. She collapses like magic, without a sound. My girl and I immediately begin carrying her back to my apartment, dragging opposite ends of her body.

by the time I get back home, I'm more preoccupied with what the fuck is happening than I am with my cigarette dilemma. I walked the entire distance almost mechanically, as if it weren't even happening. Once I walked in the door and tossed this bitch on the carpet, it really occurred to me: I'd just clubbed a complete stranger and proceeded to abduct her. I might sound nonchalant as I talk about this, but I'm serious. This is not something I do every time I walk to the store. This is not a joke.

after pacing around in circles for a few minutes, I decide we really need to restrain this girl somehow before she wakes up. I stuff her mouth with one of my socks, and secure it by wrapping some old duct tape over her face. I use my belt to latch her hands together in the best way I can come up with, contorting her into a disgusting pretzel shape. I grab handfuls of her dead weight, tossing her tangled mass into my closet like a fucking bowling ball, then use my girl's hairbands to latch the door handles closed. I'm beginning to feel a lot like MacGyver at this point. Perhaps a mix of MacGyver and God, after having created the universe. I sprawl out against the wall to appreciate my handiwork, and then it occurs to me: I still don't have any cigarettes.
 


 
 

—amp [1]


His posts got real bloggy but take our word for it Amp's older content was the stuff of bookmarks. Darn shoulda been there.

Forums

Amp had forums. THEY STILL EXIST at td.discharges.org and are hosted by Discharges.

What happen

His hosting provider dumped him. Then he vanished. We have it on good authority that he now goes by the name Aphemix, is a Fundamentalist Christian, and believes himself to be a harbinger of the apocalypse as well as the reincarnated Jesus Christ. If he says it, it must be true, because Amp never lies.

Amp's Links

External Links

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