Amy Schumer

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At least no one can ever say she got ahead using her looks
   
 
I used to date Hispanic guys, but now I prefer consensual.
 

 
 

—The joke Amy doesn't tell anymore, too bad it was her only good one

Amy Schumer, better known as "That Bleached-Blonde Monster Jew-Cunt," is a female "comedian" who can't stop talking about her monstrous, canyon-like vag, and the shitty anal-fisting fest that she calls a "sex life," in a pathetic attempt to be the next Sarah Silverman. And, much like Silverman, both can be described as ugly Jews who alternate between trying to be "edgy" and turning their backs on the people who made them famous in order to pander to SJWs. Amy is also known to constantly pose naked to satisfy her exhibitionism under the guise of promoting feminism, much like Lena Dunham, but unlike Lena, Amy (thankfully) never goes all the way. In fact, if one were to describe her (and Silverman), they might say that she is a "diet version" of Dunham: less fat/ugly/Jewish and not as big a feminazi. This, perhaps, makes her "better" in the same way that getting cancer is not as bad as contracting leprosy. Her "comedy," however, certainly cannot be described as better. Amy is known for calling herself a slut, bullying teenagers online for calling her a slut, embodying her proud Jewish heritage by stealing both Lena Dunham's entire persona and shit-tons of jokes from other comedians, having her lawyers take down any videos proving that she stole jokes (she'll be coming for us next), and making a movie so bad that it made someone go all James Holmes on a movie theater.

Contents

The Origins of the Monster

Looks like someone shaved bigfoot

According to her WP (and this is too fucking bizarre to make up):


   
 
Her father is the first cousin of U.S. Senator Chuck Schumer, making Amy Schumer and Chuck Schumer first cousins once removed. Her great-grandmother, Estelle Schumer, was a bootlegger in Manhattan.
 

 
 

This makes her the byproduct of classic Jewish trades such as criminal and kike politician (which is just another term for "criminal").

Career

   
 
The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
 

 
 

Shockingly, Schumer doesn't get many roles, unless they're jelly rolls.

How did she get "famous" (and we use that word loosely)? Simple: by winning standup-comedy competitions after failing to make the cut in earlier seasons, because, by then, all the actually talented people had been eliminated. She then went on to do a bunch of guest spots on various shows, including HBO's Girls, which stars--you guessed it--Lena Dunham. It was at this point the leftists in the media decided they could make her the "voice of a generation" (after their attempts to do so with Dunham failed), so they gave Amy her own show--Inside Amy Schumer--so named after the most mediocre thing in the world.

Although the press lauded over her for being the new media darling, the average viewer had quite a different experience:

   
 
Inside Amy is by far the worse comedy I have ever seen on television. Not funny at all. Very boring. Amy should be arrested for putting this show on television and wasting millions of hours of American lives. This show will be canceled soon because of how bad it is.
 

 
 

—Critic #1 - 0/10

   
 
Show was painful to watch. Not very funny, pretty bland in general. She likes to speak as if she is the spokesperson for women when she's only speaking for herself. Some girls actually love it when you cum on their face Amy, some even demand it. You sound like a lame lay anyway. Your show will be cancelled soon so maybe you can go back and work on your bedroom skills instead of just laying there like a fat cow.
 

 
 

—Critic #2 - 2/10

   
 
This show really comes across as hollow and extremely desperate. Every skit I watched made me cringe and even feel a little queasy. I felt like I was watching a fat, old clown drunkenly put on a song and dance desperately seeking laughs. Even though "offensive" comedy is the cool new thing Inside Amy seems too little too late. Amy hopelessly chases after the success of her male predecessors (Tosh and Jeselnik) doing these overly offensive skits, problem is these jokes are old now. Most of the jokes lost any shock value about two years ago. Don't waste you're precious time people.
 

 
 

—Critic #3 - 0/10

   
 
Schumer might have been "fresh" or funny 50 years ago, but her material is hardly shocking or clever. It's kind of hollow, searching, maybe a little desperate. Her material? Just common jokes you'd here from a bunch of guys hanging around at best. She's a real yawner. Talent? Average. No more than any smart person. She's just very lucky.
 

 
 

—Critic #4- 1/10

Previous Quote | Next Quote

The Appropriately Named "Trainwreck"

The source of her RAW POWER

Exploiting her new and undeserved fame, she talked filmmaker Judd Apatow into producing and directing a film she wrote, only to later claim on the talk show circuit that she didn't "promote it" or "push it" to anyone, but rather it "just happened," despite openly promoting and pushing it. The film is called (and this is not a joke): Trainwreck. The title alone should be warning enough.

Once again the critics raved, and once again the public, well, not so much:

Less of a trainwreck than both Amy and her movie
   
 
Not a good sign when the funnier lines of the movie are delivered by pro athletes.

An even worse sign when one of them is a wrestler.

Amy Schumer isn't funny. Sorry, but you all need to hear it.
 


 
 

—Critic #1 - 0/10

   
 
What a revolting sleazy little film. So gross. So tasteless. So unfunny…..and all of it carefully packaged in an aggressively “How dare you not find this hip" ........ Not so much a film as a kind of desperate "commodity" for desperate times, like a series of really bad Saturday Night Live “zany” sketches at their ham-fisted, bottom-feeding worst. I walked out....who needs this garbage!
 

 
 

—Critic #2 - 0/10

   
 
TrainWreck - What an appropriate title. I felt I needed a shower after watching it.

Guys, while each of us should occasionally take our spouse or significant other to a chick flick, this is one to avoid at all costs. I don't care how much LeBron or other athletes are featured, this is one disgusting trainwreck of a movie.

It was just not funny... You could hear short bursts of supportive (I guess Amy Scheuer fans) laughter from the same pockets of women in the audience. I realize it was a chick-flick, and I was definitely taking one for the team, but I would have sat through 10 hours of "Fried Green Tomatoes" before seeing this disaster again...

As you watch Amy Schumer and each of her conquests, one just can't help but think that each of these guys would fall head over heels over her, especially when the character she plays would be human petri dish of bacteria and viruses...
 


 
 

—Critic #3 - 0/10

   
 
Never has a movie title written my review for me. Today is that day and this is that movie.

If you love CareerGrrrrrl Comedy with a dose of Bill Hader (who btw is pretty good in this role, a little like Ferrell was good in Old School), then this is your movie. For Me? The combination of Apatow, Schumer, and the rest of them are a waste of time and money. Apatow is a cliche of himself at this point and Schumer just wrote a movie as a vehicle for her raunchy comedy; which has about 2 min left of her 15. One day we'll look back at these movie making charlatans for what they are: zeitgeist deluded has-beens who tricked us all into thinking they were actually funny and not just show-biz lottery winners. The DVD is future coaster material.
 


 
 

—Critic #4- 0/10

Previous Quote | Next Quote



A Movie So Bad it Makes You Want to Shoot Yourself...and Other People...Literally

The man who saved a room full of people from having to watch the rest of that movie

In January of 2015, the heroic 59-year-old John Russel Houser (AKA "Rusty") ended the suffering of a theater full of Trainwreck viewers (who probably also didn't silence their cellphones and were talking and shit) by mercifully blowing the brains out of the two people seated in front of him with a Hi-Point .40 caliber pistol and injuring nine others before doing what most of Amy's viewers feel like doing. Amy, of course, wasted no time in cynically using the deaths of these people to promote gun control with her cousin's help and earn more SJW pats on the ass. Ironically, if she had simply made a better movie, none of this would have happened in the first place.

No Schumer hambeast can say no to this!

The Laughable Photoshoot/Photoshop Debacle

In April 2015, Amy decided that she had not caused enough permanent retinal damage to the world and decided pose naked (again) on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Mere minutes after the cover went live, Amy tweeted an un-photoshopped version of the cover photo--in what she must have imagined was an act of defiance--only to immediately regret doing so (i.e. she suddenly realized how fat she looked). She immediately deleted the tweet and seamlessly transitioned into damage control mode by tweeting "Thank you to EW for not airbrushing me" and fooling precisely no one.

Eventually realizing that no one was buying this lie, Amy got naked (yet AGAIN) for another photo-shoot. This time for the Pirelli Calendar[1] of The Current Year. The calendar was renowned as an indispensable collection item for gentlemen who wanted a selection of the finest and most beautiful models in the most elegant, sophisticated, well crafted and good taste pictures ever taken. That was until College Fat SJW on clickbait media were triggered by it, and with cries of misogyny and objectification demanded "real wymyn" on future editions of the calendar. Pirelli caved to them, resulting in this not at all manipulated photo:


Amy Schumer 7.png

The ever-sycophantic press immediately showered praise upon Amy, calling her "Inspiring" and "Courageous" for showing her "natural undoctored body" (#NoFilter). The internets, by contrast, responded with a combination of facepalms and laughter at just how obviously filtered, brushed, and touched-up the photo was (though everyone marveled at the shooping skills: no one thought it was possible to shoop out that many mounds of cellulite).

Schumer is Really Tough (When Picking on Teenagers)

Amychumercritic.jpg

During the 2015 Critics' Choice Awards, Amy had her picture taken with some nobody internet critic (whoever took the photo must have been using an extremely wide lens). Later, this critic innocently tweeted Amy that he "spent the night" with her and was "[c]ertainly not the first guy to write that." This was obviously a joke since Amy built her entire career on calling herself a "slut" and a "whore." Amy, after spitting out a mouthful of pork rinds all over her iPhone in shock, angrily tweeted back "I get it. Cause I'm a whore? Glad I took a photo with you" and even implied that she would be calling his father. This mattering because he was only fucking 17-years-old!

YES: AMY SCHUMER BULLIES TEENAGERS ONLINE.

By this point in the article you've probably noticed a familiar pattern and can guess what happened next: the media praised her for standing up to a "slut-shamer" while the public (rightfully) called her a fucking cunt for being a humorless hypocrite. For example, check out this article from E! Online whose headline proudly proclaims "Amy Schumer Shuts Down a Slut-Shaming Critic on Twitter: 'Glad I Took a Photo With You'" and then head down to the comments section where the public calls her a bitch and a cunt. The contrast between what the media wants you to think about Amy and what people actually think about Amy is truly astounding.

Amy Steals and Steals Again...This Time Even More Jokes

Zach Braff dunks on Amy

The most recent controversy revolving around Amy (as opposed to the small moons revolving around Amy since her ass exerts its own gravitational force) is that she steals jokes: as in ALL the jokes.

Early on, people noticed that there was a striking similarity between her routine on a Comedy Central special and a routine by the late, great Patrice O'Neal. Amy, with her typical false indignation, immediately denied the allegations and all videos mentioning it quickly began to disappear off the web, which only prompted the internet to find even more jokes she stole from even more comedians. It turned out Amy mostly stole from female comics (cuz why would a strong woman like Amy watch the comedy of men?...besides copying their material), and even attacked one who dared to criticize her and mention THAT all the jokes she stole are from comics she either opened for or wrote with. But her thievery ranged across the board and included jokes from everyone, from Marc Maron, to a MADtv skit, to a fucking College Humor sketch and literally everything in between.

To add insult to injury, Schumer not only delivers all these jokes wrong and fucks them up, she supplements most of them with unnecessary tangents about feminism, thus killing the jokes completely. It feels as if Amy watched all these comics' acts, laughed, got angry about something in their jokes, and then just stole them so that she could re-tell them and then force an uninterested audience to listen to her unsolicited criticism of the jokes she just told.

At the moment all videos and articles about this are rapidly vanishing, so get 'em while they're hot.

Pictures

Police.gif WARNING! THIS IS A GALLERY OF SCHUMER'S DISGUSTING PICTURES. TRUST US, YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS. OPEN AT OWN RISK AND DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU!


GALLERY OF HORRORS About missing Pics

See Also

Enlarge to see snot dripping

External Links

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Featured article February 10 & 11, 2016
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