Animal abuse

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Oh Hai

Abuse Explained

STEP 1: In one of your more serious moments you put down your coke and stop huffin' da Jenkem, you pick up your kitty, put him in a cage and then pour lighter fluid all over it.
STEP 2: You get your lighter, and contemplate the glorious funeral pyre your cat is to become.
STEP 3: Just like NEDM you are filming the last wonderful minutes of your kitty's life.

For you see, animal cruelty is a worthy pastime that is both profitable and lulzy. There is nothing more rewarding in life then going home, getting bit by your dog and then hitting the little fuckers head with a hammer till it passes out. Another good one is to get some alka-seltzer, put it into bread, and then feed it to an annoying seagull. The seagull, being the fat greedy bastard it is, happily takes the bread, and explodes in a torrent of lulz.

This has been known to make chanfags butthurt, so expect to see vandalism in this page from time to time.

Vegans

The HA! HA! Guy always tells the truth.
deadmau5?

Vegans are probably healthier than YOU. However, since you are probably morbidly obese, this proves nothing. Vegans are easily identified by being grossly underweight and frail from the lack of nutrients and iron that sweet, sweet flesh provides. They are also prone to wrinkles caused by their constant scowling and anti-lulz.

PETA protests: IRL trolling goldmines.

Children that are forced into the vegan lifestyle are notoriously more brittle than a 90 year old (but less useful for buttsecks) and are just as likely to break their hip. They have compromised immune systems and are more likely to suffer from illness and shorter life-spans due to malnutrition from birth, as their mother's tit juice is often lacking in antibodies and nutrients. When exposing vegan children to meat, be careful to do so in small doses as large quantities will result in Roman showers. The children take to meat very quickly, and will soon join the ranks of flesh gobblers everywhere.

98% of vegans choose to be so sickly and retard their children because they believe it will save the animals from being eaten. They obviously cannot see that even if they do not eat animals, other people will, and thus their efforts will fail.

That being said: the best thing you can do is troll vegans:

Method 1: Tell them you used to be vegan, but one day you were eating out your girlfriend while she had her rags and you figured, if you can eat hers, why not a chicken's?

Method 2: Tell them that you used to have a vegan boyfriend but he smelled funny, so you dumped him for a rugged meat-eater bear of a man. Now when you're felching it's like going out the back of 7/11 and scoring free beef jerky from the dumpster for win!

Method 3: Unmercifully abuse them for their stench and hippie appearance.

Animal Liberation Front

A.L.F. (the "Animal Liberation Front") contains all the complete psychopaths that the two above groups could not contain, so were sent off to a secret training camp in the Rocky Mountains, where they are force fed Animal Planet 24 hours a day and trained to kill farmers and research scientists on sight. So far, they have distributed a large number of death threats towards their would-be foes, but have not done anything but set some meat trucks and science labs on fire and on one particularly lulzy occasion, stole thousands of minks from a farm and released them into the wild. The lucky (and more retarded) minks where hit by cars and killed while the majority where not fortunate enough to get such a quick death and they slowly starved to death. The ALF are one of the most sad, pussy, faggot-infested groups to ever claim the title "terrorist organization", although to be fair they where accidentally responsible for the brutal deaths of 95% of the population of Britain in the movie 28 days later when they attempt to save a bunch of stupid, useless chimps being used to test a kickass virus.

They are of course, funded by PETA, a truly epic source of lulz.

Pro-Animal Abuse

Hunters

Hunters don't always have money for cars.
Children excel at animal abuse.
One form of animal abuse.

Hunters are mighty warriors who are frustrated that civilization won't let them squash vegans on sight. Easily agitated and often harassed, they will have a kneejerk dramatic reaction if any of these threads appear on their forums.

  • Why do you hate bunnies?
  • You are horrible, horrible men and I hope a deer eats your penis.
  • How would you feel if someone hunted your mom? (The answer is "FINALLY! I've been trying to get rid of that free-loading bitch for years...")
  • But how does the squirrel feel about it?
  • Any thread made by Dead_deer-chan
  • LOL TURTLE PUNCH

Christians

According to page 156, Article 25-b, paragraph 16 of the Bible, man has dominion over all animals. Therefore he has a divine mandate to screw with animals. He just can't eat any of the ones that don't have cloven feet, or so my Jewran tells me. Later in the Babble it says you can do whatever to animals and eat whatever animals you want and women have to make men sammiches out of the left overs. It's not until you get to Leviticus that it says that the sammich maker can't use Bacon as a topping, use shrimp to make you a yummy po-boy or put cheese on a hamburger.

The Italians


The Japanese

Japan is known for many things; hentai, bondage porn, and vending machines that dispense used panties to name a few. However, Japan is also well known for their Animal Rights Laws - or lack thereof. Japanese people enjoy many different kinds of activities that involve the lulzy mistreatment of animals, such as whaling. The Japanese have even been known to hunt whales that are deemed endangered, but they still do it anyway, because the Japs love their whale blubber. Another event in which the Japs partake is the time-honored tradition of Japanese Bug Fights. In this hilarious and awesome competition, various kinds of scary bugs battle each other to the death for honour and glory, and you can even buy your "Battle Bug" from an aforementioned vending machine in the form of a "Gashapon" ball, in which the bugs are enclosed waiting for some little Japanese child to fork out 100 Yen to get his very own bug. They even made an RPG based off this. Needless to say, it pisses PETA off a lot. However, since the creatures in question are not cute and furry, animal rights activists seem to have put this one on the backburner and would rather spend their time saving animals that are a bit more cuddly.

That said, if you're in the area, you might want to make an Ikizukuri run.

The Chinese

In all the world, China is the shining paragon of the human right to use and reuse animals. Therefore, stuck-up Westerners love to visit the country to make propaganda about them. A typical example is Sanjay Gupta, a top-caste brown-skinned American better than the rest of us who we sent to their country to rag on them. He shows typical river scenes probably made with archived footage from Pennsylvania coal country. He can't believe they eat scorpions and bull penises, then wonders how they'll support four times as many people in the same space as the U.S., then complains they're using more coal and porn I think than the U.S., leading to a terrible shortage for his fellow wankers in the States. He puts them down because the U.S. has never researched even 1% of the medicines that they use, so they must be bogus, going to special lengths to denounce the use of bear bile that contains deoxycholic acid, because having some butcher take out your gall bladder in order to fix a gallstone leaving you in pain for the rest of your life is so much more advanced than dissolving it with a natural chemical. Worst of all is the freedom that Chinese people enjoy to flout laws without being sent away for 20 years on the first offense. Oh, yeah, and they write a menu that says "tiger paws", even if they don't sell them. This kind of radical democratic thinking would never be allowed back in America, and he wants it stamped out with an iron fist!

If he weren't pro-pot (nowadays) I'd have suggested making a catshit pie and going after him like you were Abbie Hoffman.


In 2008, numerous incidents in Southern China's Guangdong regions occurred over the selling of dog and cat meat. Both stray and domestic animals were taken to butcher shops in large quantities. Some pet owners even worried their pets had been stolen to be sold for pr0fit.

That the Surgeon General was able to restrain a WTF was pretty amazing. Pay attention to 0:10 to 0:45.

  • See also:
Wang Jeu


Furries

File:PEDO furry cub.jpg
Sexualizing animals makes them easier to abuse.

Furfags, although dressing up like animals, consider themselves to be like animals, and claim they "love animals" are also known animal abusers. As a matter of fact, they are among the worse kind of animal abusers to spew in every shitty corner of the universe. Most furries won't admit to others of their hideous wet dreams and aspiration of actually having a sexual encounter with a real animal. For those brave enough, they actually will live out their twisted, demented fantasy of having sex with an animal, much to its dismay. The others who are too pussy to make their dream come true usually resort to the tactic of drawing wonderful, yet original works of art and post it on sites like deviantArt and 4chan causing all kinds of rage. And then there are those who can neither draw or fuck an animal. Seeing as they neither possess the skill or courage to draw or rape an innocent animal, they usually resort to getting a plush doll of their favorite furry creature and putting a fuck hole or a dildo.

The Americans

If you're reading this you're probably American. Take everything above and roll it all into one package. We have the most furries out of every other nation. We run the biggest factory farms and slaughter houses. We claim to care about animals then find our heroes torturing them for sport, fun and profit. We're also home to PETA: the most ass-backwards group of self righteous terrorists in the world who kill millions of animals a year in the name of "protecting" them.

See Also:

The Canadians

Despite their delusions of moral superiority to the US, many Canadians vigorously defend the annual baby seal hunt in which baby seals are clobbered with spiked clubs in front of the animals' mothers until the ground literally runs red with blood. Despite the fact that much of the world condemns the hunt and seal fur is banned in many countries, the hunt goes on, in large part because it provides work for fishermen in the winter who haven't yet learned that in the twenty-first century computer skills are more useful than hunting and gathering. Canadians are also down for the lulz when it comes to torturing and killing kittens on Christmas eve.

How To Argue That It Is Your Right

Legally animals are seen as property and this can be seen in word origins such as how we get cattle (cows) from the word chattle or property. To claim that an animal has legal rights is a fuck-wit idea because, as property, animals are subject to the legal rights of their owner. As further proof of this, the owner's rights always come first.
The police can't just come and take Michael Vick's dog away because he's letting it starve is his back yard. The rights of the owner must be maintained and a warrant is required to remove the dog because to just take it would be an illegal search and seizure.
So called animal rights laws are unconstitional because they tell someone how they have to treat their property. Animal Rights Laws are an invasion by big government into the lives of the common man and are equal to laws being passed saying what colors you are allowed to paint your car.

Bull Fighting

Anyone one who has read a Hemingway novel, seen a velvet painting in a barber shop or has a penis that is 9 inches or better knows the beauty and awe of the Bullfight.
Faggots like Ricky Gervais should be made to hand in their balls for speaking against them.

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BRUTAL SHIT

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See Also

Vegetarian American (TM) animals marching their way onto America's palate for a delicious 4th of July feast.
Because fuck you, that's why


Cats


Groups and Organizations


People


Other


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External Links

Animal abuse
is part of a series on
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Basic Concepts [-+]

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Opposing Concepts and Causes [-+]