Anti-CNN

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Rule 34 on Sino-American relations

Anti-CNN is a website where the Chinese gather to discuss how nice they are to Tibet, how much the Tibetans love being ruled over by them and how awful America is for telling lies about them. From a cultural point of view it is the bastard offspring of the Tiananmen Square massacre and the internet generation.

From a practical point of view: Slow afternoon? Already masturbated and there's no more anime on? Well, Anti-CNN is teeming with arrogant, ultra-nationalist, know-nothing teenage rednecks on a hair trigger... and they no speaky the Engrish so good.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

SO SOLLY, TOO RONG, ME NO READIE

WHERE IS YOUR YERROW FEVER NOW?

In 1989, an enormous IRL raid was attempted against Deng Xiouping's government at Tiananmen Square. Now, in the West we play Civilization, and when your people are rioting you hire an Elvis impersonator or buy them more cheeseburgers. Azns, however, play Pokemon and if your Pokemon aren't performing then you have them all euthanised and start again from eggs.

This is essentially what happened. The partyvan (which, in China, is armour plated and has a 500 mil cannon) rolled in and within minutes thousands of noisy students and hippies contributing nothing to society were now very quiet students and hippies that made rather good pencil holders.

The government then radically changed the education system to instill staunch nationalism. This is why despite the fact that Chinese students have over 9000 years of dragons, kung fu, shit blowing up and win to study, they have to waste at least half a year of their life taking a class that tells them that the Japanese are pricks (a fact that anyone on the internet could tell them in five minutes; three and a half if you skipped over Hard Gay).

The children who grew up under this system are now 13 year old boys with scripts and tubes, and thus we have Anti-CNN.

Site Layout

  • No subpages, everything on one opressively long main page: CHECK
  • Giant, paragraph-long links in a bewildering variety of sizes: CHECK
  • No thumbnails, just giant bandwidth-raping jpgs: CHECK
  • At least 100 embedded Youtubes: CHECK
  • Times New Roman: CHECK

Yup, we have a crackpot site. It's like they opened up the template menu and just hit "Timecube."

DOING IT LONG

Cowardly News Network

In April 2008 CNN dropped the drama bomb by allowing Jack Cafferty to open his mouth on live television. The ensuing tirade had him calling the Chinese "The same bunch of goons and thugs they were fifty years ago," resulting in epic butthurt and lulz.


Ever the sensitive diplomats, CNN rushed out an apology which stated that Mister Cafferty was talking about the Chinese GOVERNMENT, not its people, so that was allright.

Uh-oh.


The Red Failure Alliance

Anti-CNN then collaborated with a group calling themselves Revenge Of The Flame and called for CNN to be DDoSed off the face of the net on April 19th. ROTF wanted to believe that they were the pro-active communist version of Anonymous, but the harsh reality was that they were the Anonymous Borg.

The raid failed for the following reasons:

  • Anonymous is doing it for the lulz, whereas ROTF was a group of bored, hyperactive kids hemmorhaging unwarranted self importance and gnawing their knuckles to a bloody pulp out of bored desperation to do anything which made a difference to anything.
  • CNN is a billion dollar corporation. They could buy a new internet.
  • Aforementioned kiddies were all straining at the leash and started launching solo attacks ahead of the due date and time.
  • Even with the best hackers in the world, getting two Chinese to agree on the colour of shit is practically impossible.

Traffic monitor Arbor Networks said it clocked a 14MB/second spike for about twenty minutes the Friday before the attack was planned. CNN characterised the attack as "Imperceptible." ROTF's leaders, cn_magistrate and hackerwolf, called off the attack giving the excuse "The situation has become too chaotic."

Hilariously...

As if pussying out in front of the entire internet weren't shame enough on their ancestors, last Thursday cn_magistrate and hackerwolf issued a statement to the effect that they had erased ROTF's website, had disbanded the group, no longer possessed any ill-will towards the foreign media and would be re-forming as "A patriotic study group, dedicated to the diligent study of technology and the improvement of knowledge."

Details are scarce, but there is little doubt in any sector that our slanty eyed little friends have received slanty eyed little visit from the People's Partyvan.

Some argue that this marks the most spectacular snatching of lulz from the jaws of failure of 2008 so far. History will be the judge.

What A Bunch Of Ah-Sos

   
 
I, God's Decoder, look down upon the Dalai Lama! Dalai Lama Liar + evil abettor. Historical facts: He supports Bush's war (killing people). I am very disgusted & disappointed with too much religion in China now! O despicable Dalai Lama, repent and sin no more, or commit suicide and get out of the world limelight for good. (liar->billionaire!)
 

 
 

—God's Decoder, apparently

Yes, now we come to the good stuff. The users of the Anti-CNN forums are a hilarious bunch of hypocrites, lunatics, conspiracy theorists, and general all-round pricks. They will alternate wildly between BAWWWWing persecution, angrily pontificating about their own superiority, breaking Godwin's Law and when all else fails simply pouting and saying "You don't have any proof of that" (their version of "NO! U!"

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Trorring Anti-CNN

External Rinks

See also

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Anti-CNN is part of a series on

Trolls

Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.

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Anti-CNN is part of a series on

Sites

Visit the Sites Portal for complete coverage.

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Anti-CNN is related to a series on AZNS.

[Domo ArigatoHerrow]

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