Apocalypse

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The Illuminati is coming!
No, not that Apocalypse, you fanboi
The world ended in the year 2000.
America agrees the apocalypse will be caused by mudkips
"Key Star holds a key to the bottomless pit and is in charge of releasing the Locusts upon the Earth when the Fifth Trumpet is blown."

Sometime in the Future the glory days of mankind will come to an end. The Bible suggests an event called "Apocalypse" where God (for no discernable reason) will destroy all evil in the hizzouse. The Apocalypse used to refer to a multitude of Christian/Jewish texts referring to visions of the world ending.

Predictions & Signs

The internet was the first sign of the Apocalypse. Since it is a fictional place, it cannot be considered a factual country. According to Encyclopedia Dramatica, the following prophecies are FO REALZ. Among events that will occur during the "End Times":

  • Jesus returns as Dumbledore and brings about the 7th book of destruction.
  • When the millennium approaches all will die. Y2K will destroy all computers, thus causing mass devastation on AOL chatrooms. Thems were good times.
  • The Mayan calendar which has accurately predicted astrological events and catastrophes, ends on Sunday, December 21, 2012. Some researchers have suggested and concluded different days in December.
  • When all of the thirteen Aztec crystal skulls are found, it will be the end of the world. So far seven supposedly genuine skulls have been found. [1]
  • The OC ends!
  • The Jews stop being Jews. This will happen when the Star of David turns into a pink triangle.
  • Cthulhu will rise from his sleep and promptly swallow whole whomever does not please him. Unfortunately, that is everyone. He will then have a good lulz before promptly throwing the earth into the sun, and going off to give head to the king of all cosmos, his Grand Master.
  • Tupac Shakur will return.
  • Bush will pass gas and destroy the world, in 2012
  • zalgo descends apon the earth and d͜͝ę͘s҉͟tr҉̛ǫ͘ỳs͞҉̢ e̷̢v͟͡é͡rýt̸͠h̶͝i̶ń͝g


Variations

Zombie Jesus wants your kids.
  • Asians learn to drive - Asians can't drive, and never will be able to, so don't worry.
  • Courtney Love - If Courtney Love gets off drugs, the earth will have so many drugs unused that it explodes.
  • Robots - Robots will become depressed and will crush their human overlords with their metal fists. The only way to survive is to have sex with one.
  • WW3: Ghost of Hitler - The reckoning of the dead Hitler will rise with his ghost. After decades of living in Hell with one ball, Hitler manages to create a portal to Earth and burn people with trees.
  • Global Warming - The current enlargement of the hole in the ozone layer that will bring about droughts, floods, famine, and mass exodus.
  • The Ultimate Fight- The final battle between Mecha-Hitler and Robo-Stalin, which will destroy more than one planet.
  • Aliens - Aliens return to pick up their estranged leader, W.
  • Chris-chan loses his virginity and to a real female - Chris-chan is the glue that holds the universe together. When he completes his mission, the universe will perish.
  • Meteor - It can either came from god, who believe it is a good idea to take a burning dump on earth, or missile attacks launch by the jewnited states of America.


   
 
I'm talking about seeing things you never thought you'd see before. That meteor is like God came from a place with no beginning on it's way to a place with no end. and THIS time it's didn't effect us. what if that meteor (or Jesus) hit the ocean do you know what would have happened? Science nor your mother could spare you. I'm talking about YOU
 

 
 

— A typical christfag's reaction to meteor shower.

Riders of the Apocalypse

Remember kids, don't do this at home.
GOD'S JUDGEMENT IS COMING

In a fictitious publication produced by the man it is mentioned that there are four riders who bring about the Apocalypse. Here is the latest list of Apocalypse Riders as suspected by the Bush Administration:

  • Bus Rider - although his true identity is not known it is safe to say that it is not Rosa Parks because that bitch refuses to take the bus because she is black and prefers to Crip Walk places.
  • Ghost Rider - A total badass who drives around on a flaming motorcycle at night. Rapes people with his whip and drives up walls of business buildings during peak hours for the lulz.
  • Steve - A 13-year-old boy whose real name is Cornelius but he likes to be called Steve by his furry friends (who aren't real by the way). That's why he's a total Newbie and can never be anything cool like a toaster or Vin Diesel.
  • IMPORTANT NOTES :

Your mom is not listed as a rider for a reason, that reason being women can't drive. Besides, she prefers to be ridden like a horse anyhow.

The riders WILL zerg rush anyone who stands in the way of their anal domination of the world.

Our Current Upcoming Apocalypse

In our current times we're headed down the road of the Apocalypse right now, no surprise. Many will surely die, as catastrophes will come such as earthquakes and floods but those aren't as big of threats as our Government is planning. The United States government is known to have overthrown

In Hell (see Muslim Hell) there's a fiery serpent known as the Beast or at least a part of the Beast (link Satan) and he has risen up before - once in the form of a man named Pope Sixtus III who was the Pope of Rome's Catholic Church from 31 July 432 to his death in 440. Before him being made Pope there were 7 other Popes who were given complete power, and during his time he marked many men and women of Rome a cross on their foreheads, if they didn't accept a cross they'd be unable to buy or sell. He made a document in his time also denying the flesh of Christ and if Christ did rise from the dead 3 days after burial. And in Rome, like today, many people enjoyed a life of Capitalism or being able to have luxuries like circuses and so on. So they received that mark, the Catholic Church probably thought it was Christian to place a cross everywhere like they do today. [2] If you go to the Saint Peter's Bascillica they'll have a plaque with the official "List of Popes" which conveniently skips from the year 199 to 461 "hiding" the name Xystus III (Sixth III).

Today they're bringing something far worse than a cross to the forehead, it's the RFID chip which many Hospitals have snuck into infants without permission from the parents or, if found doing so call it a "regular procedure". A procedure done to most children born right in Hospitals, the reader of this could have a chip inside them and not even know about it until the end times. These chips are detected by sate-light and are a method of identification system, even in the Bible it mentions in the New-Testament our word "micro-chip" which comes from the Greek word that's used as a literal meaning for micro-chip in Mat 11:11. Using instead the words MARK OF THE BEAST which is partially incorrect, because the old translation is the Greek word for "small" and than the word "chip"; in the future if they find any remaining without this mark (which is actually a tracking device) those people will be unable to buy or sell. They also, by law, won't be able to leave the state and find food in forests by hunting and/or look through waste (i.e. going to the dump, looking through garbage, etc.) for any nourishment.

We are in the End Times, and soon a Beast will rise from the Earth and deceive many and demand they install an RFID chip so later on he can track them down if they disobey his laws. So if you want to buy a new TV or an apple, for example, you won't be able to unless you install the RFID chip tracking device within your hand or forehead. You also won't be able to sell anything in order to make money for stuff. As the Beast becomes ruler of the World (see Government) he'll bring us seemingly peace and prosperity for a short time. God said if you install the RFID chip you're claimed by the Beast, meaning you committed your allegiance to him and probably cut off from God forever. Of course, for those who didn't they'll also be persecuted and killed by those who are followers of the Beast, even the children of parents will be killed in front of the parents eyes if they refuse the mark/RFID chip.

After receiving the mark you'll be expected to give your belongings to the Beast/Government in return of a promise that he'll meet their needs. The people of the Future will give the Beast/Government their jew gold, food, fucking air that they breathe so the Beast/Government will provide a "New Jerusalem" that is also false.

How he'll do this is by creating slaves that work for him and his 1%, we're the slaves we wants to capture once he rules the World.


If you were to compare the World with a clock to show how close we're to the End Times, we're currently it's about 11:58-11:59AM. During Adam and Eves time they were at 12:00PM, but when 11:59AM becomes 12:00PM best be ready for Judgement Day because that's when it happens. SMOKE WEED 4-EVERS - TROLLING ENCYCLOPEDIA DRAMATICA ABOVE - Illuminati did it for the lulz and cash

See Also

External Resources

  1. Best Prediction page yet
  2. Surfing the Apocalypse
  3. "Brief" history of Apocalyptic crap
  4. Wait, my kitty causes mass extinctions?


Apocalypse
is part of a series on
Christianity
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Blessed by God [-+]
Beliefs, Events, Traditions and Other Drama [-+]
Pissing Off the Almighty [-+]
Heathens [-+]