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Think different.
One picture explains it all.
Apple users rushing to pay for that new Service Pack called "Snow Leopard".
Stupid linux users trying to fake "The actual thing" to look hip and cool.

Apple's claim to fame is that they invented the PC even though it was actually invented by the CTC . Apple is also known as the one company that had to be paid by Microsoft to stay in business. Led by all-star douchebag Steve Jobs LOL DEAD and a bunch of other old faggots, Apple is the favorite high-tech company of "artistes" everywhere. This is because people believe Apple makes awesome computers that off-set their exorbitant price by becoming obsolete only once a week. The truth is, they are merely victims of the Reality Distortion Field. While Apple may have done some neat things in the past, they are now just a patent troll.

Mac users were once the most annoying computer fans on the planet so they always had to empty trash mac. Now they are the second most annoying, just slightly after Linux users. They are continuously bragging about how easy a one-button mouse is, how great the benefits of the "genie" effect are, and act like BSD was just invented. Unfortunately, if you want to be famous, you have to be a Mac user. Here is a typical macfag's account of his mac.

Apple has more money than the federal government, lulz. It falls behind only the Joos in this area.

Apple has borne an unearthly hatred for Microsoft ever since being marooned on Ceti Alpha V, but Bill Gates still does not mind raking in the cash from all those Microsoft Office sales. People who claim to like Mac computers can typically be found wearing Insane Clown Posse t-shirts.

According to a survey taken in early 2000, Apple had sold a total of 315 Macs to customers on two continents. However, with Apple's recent success, these figures have seen a great increase. A moar recent study shows that Apple now has 908 owners on 3 continents, all of which are female college students, gay hipsters, or old people with poor eyesight who mistook a MacBook for a lime-green black person Grill. This leaves Apple only slightly behind Microsoft's user base of 4.6 billion (mostly non-retarded) customers.

Rumor has it that after being questioned about Apple's move to Intel, Steve Jobs answered "I did it for teh lulz".

On August 24, 2011, Steve Jobs announced his resignation as CEO of Apple as a result of his long battle with cancer. Appropriately, he named his successor as known faggot, Tim Cook. After Jobs's vitamin C cancer treatment failed, and he was pwned by Cancer that September, Cook's high-powered ass-ramming came full circle.


Apple Users

Typical Apple fanboy.
Mac; think different.
Studies show that Mac users are gay
Customers of all walks of life are drawn to Mac's charm.
Once a macfag, always a macfag.


— Tyler Pittman, ED Mailing List.

I'll buy anything if it's shiny and made by Apple.


—Typical Apple User, The Onion.

If I had the choice between being gay and owning a Mac, I would rather be gay because if I owned a Mac, I would be both gay and own a horrible computer.


—Reliable source

your an idiot my mac would shit on you. it can because i custom build it. my mac has a 12 core profcessor over clocked at 4.2gz, it also has an nvidia quadro 6000 6gb graphics card, 64gbs of ram, and a 8,000 gbs of harddrive. i run 13 different operating systems on it


—Real quote from a wild mac user

Apple users are noobs. Apple users believe that they are better than you are because they pay so much for a shitty computer to be shiny with an apple logo on it, but what they don't know is that Macs were originally (and are still today) made purely for watching gay porn. People who subscribe to Apple's corporate philosophy often espouse the notion that Apple products are somehow inherently more liberal than other things built out of metal and silicon. While this is true for the special case of Ann Coulter, Apple users are in all other cases simply the delusional but willing victims of trendy advertising, which makes expensive computers made by communists appear to be a counter-culture political statement.

Apple users are simply fucktards who will believe anything they see in a commercial, as long as it agrees with the knee-jerk opinions they have already formed from other advertisements. In the final analysis, Apple users are helpless slaves irrevocably wed to the mediated and hyper-hedonistic run away freight train of industrial society; thanks to iPods built with alien mind control technology they are unable to conceive existence outside of music, video, images, and Crapps.

It is these legions of iPod wearing zombies with their thick black framed glasses and trendy shiny hair who are the Storm-Troopers of the "Great-Beast". See, Protocols of the Elders of Macintosh. College and university students and elitists that are taking or have taken business and arts degrees can be found with a Mac which provides them that much needed inferior computing flexibility for their ultimately useless and gay degrees and find that their shitty Mac will contribute most to their student debts.


People make jokes relating to the Apple User's main preoccupation - Proselytizing for Apple. No sooner than they spend their hard earned jewgolds on a shiny new gadget from Cuppertino they spend their entire lives stuffing that fact down the throats of all thier friends, family and anyone else they end up conversing with. They go on at length about the longevity of their expensive hardware while they save moar jewgolds ready for the updated version - akin to an IRL version of YoVille (oh wait! flash on iShit> NO ZYNGA FUN FOR iFAGS)

Enforcement of this cult like agenda seems to have the word "Proprietary" at the heart of it. Proprietary file types, Proprietary plugs. This is one of the methods by which Macfags are kept loyal to the brand, no point in trying to play M4A files anywhere else.. or expecting a universal data connector.. amirite?

A typical argument that (kinda) ends in a Mac user's favor:

  • PC user: Oh hey mac user, what have you been up to?
  • Mac user: NOT GETTING ANY VIRUSES!!! LOLZ!11!one1!
  • PC user: You do know that viruses are actually quite rare for PC Users, right? Most people use Windows at their workplaces and never get bothered by them.
  • Mac user: wuell at leest i dont get viruses.
  • PC user: Yes, that is because Mac only is used by closet hipsters and people who were hip in the nineties. The mac user base is too small for great viruses to be made for them.
  • Mac user: us mac pplz still have the finder, while you pc pplz have to run around in a goose chase getting blue screens all the time.
  • PC user: Is going through folders all that different on a Mac than on a PC? How often does the latest Windows iteration crash?
  • Mac user: well macs can run windows now using boowt camp. *Puts on a shitty smart guy face*
  • PC user: OK, so since it can run my superior operating system with shittier specs, that means I should go out and buy a mac for $2000, when I can get the same PC with the same specs for $400. Plus heard of Hackentosh? Besides Windows has the most superior software and hardware. And don't tell me this only counts for games. For instance, a new Mac can not even run a Youtube video in HD graphics. Literally everyone uses Youtube!
  • Mac user: wweeeeellll-
  • PC user: Bottom line is, Mac can never properly compete with Windows because of economies of scale. Even the connotation of the abbreviation "PC" is Windows. What you pay for is a highly overpriced computer with a visual appeal and a sense of "coolness" attached to it.

When Mac users upload comparison videos to YouTube, they compare their old mac to a new mac - not to a Dell Alienware or Asus gaming machine, which would probably kick a mac's ass anyday. Here's one such gem, put together by a rich bitch, complete with a matching chihuahua:


The similarities between the Apple thing and Scientology are quite surprising:

  • New Recruits go out proselytizing from day 1[2]
  • "La La La I'm not listening" syndrome for any criticism
  • Dead Agenting any other products wherever possible
  • Eventually cutting themselves off into their introverted and insular "community"
  • Falling over themselves to raise the jewgolds for the next product
  • Needing their creditcard out at every verse end


"Apple has....always... focused on innovation...removing parts which......which made me wet my pants...and the doctors didn't.....didn't give me my pills this morning...."

When Steve Jobs returned, he fired some people and hired Apple's current and only designer - former mental patient Jonathan Ive, who appears each time any new product is launched, appearing partially sedated. Like most people who put together apple products, Jonny is evidently pushed too far. Often in product-launch videos he struggles to find new words to describe recycled product designs - literally taking fives minutes between each word to think of something new to say - but realising that's impossible, so he returns to saying what he said the last time around.

Laughable Ive-isms include: "The <product name> the best <product name> has produced yet..." and "Apple has....always focused on innovation"

Phone Toys:

In 2007 apple decided to bring the phone to the homosexuals/hipsters - and created the iPhone. Fanboys wept cum tears as they fapped over the ability to shake their screens, courtesy of gyroscopes which were invented hundreds of years before apple came about - of course apple will try to have you think different.

The iPhone continued to be boring until late summer 2014, when the sixth mutation of glass and aluminum was rushed onto the market to cover up Apple's iCloud fuck-up. Hipsters everywhere found to their dismay that they weren't actually stoned - that their iPhone666 was infact warping in their pocket - that and Speedy Joe sold them flour and not cocaine.

Perhaps an apple plan to convert hipsters to homosexuals? Will it work? Will it be an improvement?

Old Toys:

With colours to match the ones in most domestic bathrooms, the G3 was the toilet seat of choice in the late 90's.

Ive started in his job at apple by creating the faggy G3 - a normal computer with a load of faggy plastic, before a year later giving the word a more colourful laptop version - otherwise knows as the iBook. Realising that was it and that he didn't have any further original ideas, Jonny had a mental breakdown, and inspired by his mental ward - he went all John-Lennon-minimalist with the next iMac - the G4. For the first and only time - an apple product had some functionality in it's hardware design.

Some more years later, he created the G5 imac, which Blow Jobs decreed at some WWDC Faggotry club seminar as: "It's all nice and flat, see that?". Changing to Intel processors meant that it was easier to disguise the fact to apple fags that they haven't upgraded the machine at all, so the design of all of their products has remained the same since this period.

Seven PowerPC fans gathered in Cupertino, California in order to collectively slit their wrists at the Intel switch over announcement. This was meant to protest Apple's move to Intel, but instead provided welcome industrial dye for the new U2-endorsed, strawberry-flavored iMac.

Current toys:

Infact, none of their products have changed since then. Ironic how apple always went on and on and on about how Vista took five years to come about, yet the Mac Pro hasn't changed in over a decade. Along the way the iPhone was thrown in, along with the iPad - apple obsesses over these, and seems to shun professional products because they don't like anybody with an independent thought.

Apple doesn't know who it's audience is - because they have made so much money from selling overpriced slices of aluminum, they've never particularly cared - back in '06 they thought gamers were using their machine, because they've never bothered to comprehend gaming laptops.

Of course, this concept will never become reality, because it has two knobs, which will be too complicated for Apple users.
*Cups sold separately.
If she neglects you in favour of a vibrating device she has acces to 24 hours a day, 365 days, you are coming up short.

Apple consumers are just that: consumers. They're people who buy shit just because they saw it on TV. Apple consumers are the type of people who are stupid enough to buy a $1499 MacBook Air - or Pro - as they are now the same thing, which has one USB port and no DVD/CD drive, or even a fucking ethernet port, but it can fit inside a manila envelope, which is such a useful function. Currently Apple think everybody uses an iPad as their primary work machine - which is a myth as the only people who use them include 11 year olds who don't know any better, people who spent all their money on apple products that they now ride a bus, and of course apple fags.

Creative people who used macs because they are too lazy to build their own computers, are now leaving Apple, as Mountain Lion totally can't comprehend Photoshop, Illustrator, Premier Pro...infact anything by Adobe - and Final Cut Pro is now more or less iMovie - and as that ships free, spending more money for iMovie is pointless, unless you have more money than you have IQ. It's also a LOT slower - and for some reason looks like the dashboard of cars to appeal to hipsters.

On the subject of the smaller and even cheaper to produce products - they'll also buy an iPod Nano or iPod Shuffle, even if they already own an iPhone, because all Apple fans are trendyfags who wear tight chino pants so they can't fit a regular-sized iPod in their pocket. Instead of paying $30 for a pair of pants with bigger pockets, they would rather spend $70-$160 on a toy that'll be obsolete the following week.

Future products:

Notice the enjoyment he is receiving from ingesting his own feces

Apple's philosophy is to take the last model, and make it thinner. They market such products to fanboys - who believe anything Apple says - as being useful because said product is lighter. But the reason everybody else knows behind ever-thinner products is because it's cheaper to ship, meaning more money for the Apple Execs to spend on clearly unseaworthy and ugly yachts. At least the fanboys of Alienware get a free velvet pouch, a free cap - oh, and a free DVD and BluRay drive as well - all for around $1,000 less than a mac with a much slower processor, only purchased by anyone dumb enough to believe Apple marketing.

Apple products are designed by a mental patient, and built by investment bankers and people in marketing - which makes their products unique. Whereas other computers are merely built by people with computing qualifications - seems legit...

Of course, Apple fanboys STILL believe that they're getting value for money because their machine works quite well right now - but as everybody knows once OSeX is upgraded their browsers won't be supported, forcing them to upgrade.

What's also funny is that at D10, CEO Tim Fookup stated "...I believe that the tablet market would eventually surpass the PC market" signalling that Apple thinks it's future is in catering for the people featured in their marketing photos: toothless Spics and Azns who love shiny things because they live in abject poverty - and the rest of their lives is hair and mud. The same target audience that doesn't actually have any money. He babbled on further - unlike the former fuhrer who had two goals - sell iPhones and kick somebody apple employee's ass: " much as I love my mac...I uh...*scratches ass for a few moments* find myself spending more time on my iPad", a statement which clearly isn't the most poorly executed sales pitch ever.

Their newest OSeX anally rapes hipster creatives, in that when Mountain Fail is installed, the mac it is running on will spaz out when attempting to run Photoshop - and heaven forfend you try to edit your porno film on final cut iMovie. They couldn't be asked upgrading the Opera_Browser.

(BTW, you can watch him evading questions at D10 here: [3] His first fail is at a questioned asked a 04:37)

And yet, apple fans STILL think they're getting a good deal - but in reality the only good deal they're going to get is to sell their products before they loose all value, like even the most slothful of hipsters are now doing - including the one called Grant, who is now 30 and STILL a hipster - to ensure they can still be kept in a suitable amount of pot for the next six years, as most of them have had to sell their ugly Victorian townhouse or some other area populated by pretentious champagne socialists after they defaulted on their mortgage or loan.

Indeed, the future is shit-coloured at Apple with Tim Fook as da boss - even the emos have either gone up in the world whose use is now just cash tills, or have gone down in the world and live on the streets. So there is literally nobody to purchase - and nobody to care - about a boring and slow line products which are either dumbed down iPads.

At WWDC in 2013, Apple tried really hard to sell it's products again - and they think this can be done by new OS X named after some crappy band from the 80's/90's - or via it's new coffee machine called the mac pro, and some upgrades to the macbook air, and not at all by lowering it's prices.


It would seem that Apple and it's devotees are the subject of much Internet humor.

Q = "How do you know if someone is an Apple User?"

A = "Don't worry, they'll tell you"

Bend over! It's purchase time!

We've all heard the jokes about how expensive Macs are compared to similarly spec'd out PCs, and in fact this article is chock filled with pictures to that effect. But those are outdated. Let's see exactly how fucked you're getting today. For this lesson, we'll be using the Mac Pro, quad core starting base, as of 1 June 2013. No upgrades or add-ons. We'll explore the pricing and try to build a similarly spec'd PC using the Logical Increments PC buying guide.

The Mac

This sumbitch costs $2,500. Hot shit. You better be getting a super special awesome ultra special sexy machine for that kind of coin! The reality however is, we're not.

  • Processor: A quad core Xeon? HOLY SHIT! That's liek the most latest technological breakthrough. Except it's not.
  • RAM: This is probably the worst part. 6GB of RAM in a $2,500 machine? Wow. You can up it to 32GB for just $975. You could build a REALLY good PC for that kind of money.
  • Hard Drive: This part's tricky. It comes with a single 1TB drive, but you can add up to three more. Their 2TB offering is $250 bucks.
  • SSD: No SSD by default, and an SSD is fucking mandatory nowadays. They'll hit you up for $750 in exchange a 512GB SSD.
  • Graphics: They'll throw in a really shitty old ass ATI Radeon 5770 with your purchase. And they'll put in a second one for just $250!
  • CD Drive: A DVD burner is included. Want another one? Dig deep for a Benjamin.
  • Monitor: Doesn't come with one. They are only too happy to sell you a 27 inch aluminum monitor for $1,000.

So all in all, this isn't really an amazing computer. It would be amazing by 2010 standards, maybe, but it's 2014. Apple should really up their game. Or we could do it for them.

It's not shiny...IT'S GOLD!!!!

In 2015, Apple released a new macbook - a product they keep taking offline and bringing back again time after time. This time though, it reached new apple standards of pointlessness - here's a breakdown:

BUT IT COMES IN GOLD! Or Space Silver! Or just have it straight off the machine.

And as usual, you can't have an apple product release without a video from an apple engineer, who said that in the Blow Jobs era, they'd have all been fired:

The PC

If you're the kind of basement dwelling faggot that can actually feel the performance difference from a "Superior" machine, you'd probably enjoy putting one together yourself. Just for fun though, let's build two computers: One that matches the specs of the Mac Pro to see what the components really cost, and one that matches the price.

Same Specs

There's a problem here: The parts that Apple is offering are, well, outdated, shitty, and obsolete. We'll have to go with their recent equivalents. That's right folks, Apple fanboys will not only pay through the nose for Apple products, they'll pay through the nose for technology that PC users had for half the price, three years ago!

  • Processor: The Intel i5-3570K will offer similar, if not better, performance, and it's overclockable. $224
  • Wait a few hours for Haswell to come out and you can get the i5-4570K for the same price, and get 10% added performance!
  • RAM: 6GB of RAM in this machine's a fucking WASTE. Also 3x2GB sticks is gay. How about 2x4 for 8GB total? $60.
  • Hard Drive: The 1TB drive that Apple's offering is $150. The same drive, literally, is $60.
  • Want to know a secret? Apple doesn't make hard drives. They buy them from Western Digital like the rest of us.
  • SSD: The Apple didn't include an SSD, but the 512GB they offer for $750 is $350. And just like the hard drives, Apple gets them from the same place you do.
  • Graphics: The 5770 is outdated, AMDfags. Hell, AMDfags will even admit that! It's current analogue, the 7770, is $115. Throw in an extra 15 for a NVIDIA 650 Ti.
  • CD Drive: A DVD burner that can run circles around the Mac's "SUPERDRIVE" can be had for around $50 bucks. And that's for an overpriced drive!

For a complete machine you'll need a motherboard, case, and PSU. $150, $100, $50 for REALLY GOOD ones of each.

GRAND TOTAL: $809. Less than a third of the Mac. And if you skimp on some parts (and not really that much) you can get it below $700. Even less if you harvest some from the machine you're using to read this page right now.

With the $1,691 that you save, you could build TWO MORE of these machines. Or a very nice smart TV. Or a laptop that beats the living shit out the MacBook. Or donate it to ED.

Of course, there are PLENTY of PC OEMS that will sell you a computer with specs that far surpass the Mac Pro above for less than $1,000.

Same Price

I'm lazy. Go to The "Extremeist" tier (second to best) hovers around $2,300, $200 less than the Mac.

Bend over! It's iCloud time!

If you thought the machines were crap - wait until you use their add-ons!

In August 2014 some hacker on 4chan proved just how easy hacking apple actually was - that or they just wanted ransom money from teenage celebrities everybody knew were slutty to begin with.

A number of celebrity photographs were easily taken from iCloud - mainly because Apple cares more about shifting unsellable/useless iPads to hipsters than they are in running some cling-on cloud data service - proving that they can't compete with google, which makes apple less than google. Be sure to point this out to apple fanbois for hours of entertainment value.

At first, apple responded by posting pictures of hipsters on their website - because iPad sales were crappy at this point because nobody could be bothered upgrading their current iPad which they barely ever used to watch videos or read books on - because they were busy doing actual work to care. However, once v& by the FBI, Apple initially released a statement denying everything followed by an admission of guilt.


Also, iCocks.

Unlike normal PC users, who more often than not drive a true American car built in Motor City rigged with a V8 engine of at least 1 UK gallon of displacement, you'll quite often find your typical Apple consumer driving a pompous Eurotrash vehicle (e.g. BMW, SAAB, Volkswagen, Peugeot), or Subaru with a kayak or pair of cross country skis on the roof, not because they need it or really even want it, but because they feel it would set them apart from all those "other people" ("other people" being those who don't act like faggots).

Apple fans often insist that Macs are easier to use than PCs, but by making such an argument, all they really do is imply that they're too damn stupid to figure out how to use a real computer, rather than an overpriced toy. The truth is these clueless hipsters actually require a dumbed-down version of a ubiquitous appliance that even octogenarians have figured out years ago.


New iMac for same iDiot(Img3cfef3c5e7eff).jpg
Know the Difference.
Best slogan evar.
The hurts.

A secret survey conducted by the Rand Corporation in the 1970s confirmed that any person attracted to white, plastic machines completely without sharp edges is an utter homosexual, subconsciously wishing to insert them into his rectum. (This thesis was famously defended by Sigmund Freud at least 100 years ago.) This led some to theorize that the miraculous upsurge in sales at the dawn of the new millennium, after a long period during which no one would buy an Apple computer, was the result of a coup backed by the CIA. It could not be a coincidence, it was argued, that every new design released by Apple had a counterpart amongst the suggestions presented in the Rand Corporation survey, which had recently been made public, to which it was almost identical. The CIA's interest in the coup supposedly was to divert the interest of the inhabitants of California towards "expressing themselves" with shitty programs such as iPhoto, Pages and iMovie (all designed especially to appeal to homosexuals) so that the Republicans could regain power from the Democrats in the 2000 presidential elections. The CIA confessed its partaking in the coup after the Republican Thousand Year Empire was secured in 2004, and admitted to doing this "for the lulz".

Also, although the machines cost $2000, the machines are made in outright sweatshops, and often, the machine will need to be sent back numerous times, due to various problems, until you are forced to buy a new one. This is a form of Steve Jobs manipulation.

In summary, Apple products represent precisely what you don't want to be either in mind, body, or spirit. Avoid all traces of this evil in your otherwise rewarding journey through life and never forget to enjoy the occasional chuckle at the expense of the typical Apple dweeb in your neighborhood.

The truth about Mac users

Unofficial hymn of Apple product

Mac Gets Served

Crash Different

Typical Mac Faggotry

PC tells the truth

Apple's unspoken message

Apple's unspoken message

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Employee raep

The secret wage-theft agreements between Apple, Google, Intel, Adobe, Intuit, and Pixar (now owned by Disney) are described in court papers obtained by PandoDaily as “an overarching conspiracy” in violation of the Sherman Antitrust Act and the Clayton Antitrust Act, and at times it reads like something lifted straight out of the robber baron era that produced those laws. Today’s inequality crisis is America’s worst on record since statistics were first recorded a hundred years ago — the only comparison would be to the era of the railroad tycoons in the late 19th century.




Police.gif This section is entirely true, so pay attention, asshole.

Steve Jobs has said that Apple is against DRM, but this is complete and total bullshit because everyone who isn't retarted knows that DRM will help Apple sell millions of iPods, even though in the future they will only be associated with homosexuals. If you haven't put this together yourself then allow me to do it for you. DRM means that once a consumer purchases music off iTunes, he (we omit the she because women are supposed to be in the kitchen making dinner while the men are out fucking with hot chicks who are totally asking for it) will only be able to listen to that music on his iPod and in iTunes. OH SHIT, MY IPOD BROKE -- Ha. Good luck with that. Guess what? You fucked yourself. That's right. That Dragonforce that you purchased on iTunes only works on iTunes. The latest iPod looks gay so you decide you want a Zune. After plugging it in you try to put the music you purchased on iTunes onto the Zune. You get so angry you have sex with a couple of the goats that you keep in your mom's basement, punch out your parole officer and cut your dick off in a morphine-induced high. As a result of the protection, you have to buy another iPod to listen to your over 9,000 dollars worth of music. Apple argues that it doesn't sell DRM-free music because of the record companies. However, this is a lie because all the same music can be bought without DRM on Amazon MP3.

Although, even though it still sucks, if you burn your music onto CDs, you can re-upload the music for other formats. (Don't tell anyone I told you this. Its a secret. SHHHH)


Since anyone with half a brain could figure out how to get music without paying for it by using sites such as, and anyone with half a brain wouldn't buy an iPod, there's no reason why anyone with half a brain would want to use iTunes. However, if one does elect to actually buy a song off iTunes, one will receive the song in a proprietary format, making it useless--and a waste of money--if they want to use the song with anything other than iTunes or their iPod. However, this can be circumvented by using iTunes to burn the song to a CD, then reinserting the CD into the computer and then ripping the song as a WAV or MP3 using Windows Media Player.

Hell, you want to go crazy? Download MGTEK Dopisp. OR MediaMonkey OR [Winamp]. You'll be able to sync your iPod to Windows Media Player, and allows you to put whatever the fuck you want on there regardless of what's on your shitty iPod right now. It won't overwrite or delete anything unless you manually do so (PROTIP: To keep using it after the 30 day trial, uninstall it and clean out the remaining registry entries with a program like CCleaner., or it won't let you use reinstall and use it again without paying for it. Finding a good serial key/crack is a bitch right now.)

Adobe Flash

Apple and Adobe have recently divorced each other. It all started when Steve Jobs decided Apple was too cool for Flash. Some random guy (apparently Steve Jobs) recently released a lulzy, butthurt report on why Apple shouldn't use Flash in its mobile devices. BAWW

Things You'll Never See A Mac Do

Wikipedia on the iPhone 4
Typical Mac user
  • Be inexpensive.
  • Have ads that aren't annoying or insulting.
  • Have users who aren't uptight douchebags.
  • Have programs that "Just Work."
  • Play any game besides BOLO.
  • Last for even a week without requiring extensive repair.
  • Update existing software (because there never was any to begin with).
  • Load accounts.
  • Load websites.
  • Take less than 100 years to get online.
  • Stay online for more than .0003 nanoseconds.
  • Load files.
  • Compute.
  • Run for a minute without overheating.
  • Be plugged in without blowing every fuse in your house.
  • Do anything even remotely resembling the normal functions of a computer.
  • Be able to function as anything except a clunky, hideously ugly, $3,000 paperweight.
  • Think of something you want it to do, then substitute here.
  • Become heterosexual. There's no chance of this happening.
  • When inevitably broken, require repairs that will cost under at least $100.
  • Have owners who know how to turn it on and off without being told how to do so.
  • Close a program with one button.
  • Have a body that isn't made from crap aluminum that scratches and CHIPS, CHIPS
  • Run active directory or any technology that relies on a domain.

The things you'll never see Apple do

  • Not store your credit card information—their only interest.
  • Not ask you to Agree with a long and one-sided license agreement.
  • Not automatically take your money when you click one of their buy buttons.
  • Refund online payments.
  • Create a product for heterosexual people.
  • Create or market a product that does not juuuust work.
  • Provide the public with credit to other people for their work in the industry.
  • Provide something—anything for free, to give their die-hard devotees a hint of a logical reason to be devoted.
  • Create software that will function on a 1-year-old Mac, let alone a PC of any sort.
  • Market hardware, software, or other merchandise that does not have a lowercase "i" at the beginning. e.g. iPhone, iMac, iMovie, iCock, iDiot, iHomo, etc.
  • Have a home button that doesn't wear out -Designed to break, more $$$
  • Have a software keyboard you can type on
  • Not require you to wank the iphone to undo inserting text - WANKERS
  • Have a cock over 6 inches

Apple in Popular Culture

Unfortunately, Macs are featured in most TV shows and movies in place of regular computers - this is because the props departments can pick them up at an outrageous price from any liberal arts college, organic food store, or Starbucks.

  • Apple Macs were the high tech backbone of Jurassic Park's security system. However, due to a large amount of fail, lulz ensued.
  • The Apple Newton was used by Vin Diesel in Under Siege IV: The Revenge, where he helped defend a hijacked passenger space shuttle from rebel nigras. However, due to a large amount of fail, lulz ensued.
  • A Macintosh Performa 600 was used in the movie Blank Check. Counterfeiters, take note: if it worked in a Disney movie in 1994, it will probably still work today.
  • iMacs were used in the movie i, Robot (note the product endorsement) to program "intelligent" robot beings who would later rape the humans for their blood and Jew gold in a crazy haphazard sort of mix up similar to what will happen to Apple in the coming years.
  • In the movie Sneakers, Robert Redford h4xxor3d the CIA using a Mac Classic. However, they got him when he was caught playing Oregon Trail. Lulz ensued.
  • After David Koresh and the Branch Davidians were pwn3d by the ATF, CSI showed that they were caught by surprise fapping off to porn on Macs. Lulz ensued.
  • In the movie Independence Day Jeff Goldblum used an iBook to upload a Laughing Skull Virus to the alien mainframe, causing them to be easily defeated. The death of the aliens allowed the future of mankind and lulz to continue.
  • HAL 9000, the infamous killer computer in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey ran on Mac OS X, proving that Macs can be just as evil, if not more, than Microsoft PCs.
  • In Robocop 2, the bad robot, Cain (which had a brain from a drug-addict), runs on Mac OS, while Robocop runs on good old MS-DOS.
  • A woman is shown using a Mac in The Net, and is shown doing a virus scan at the start of the film, then gets her IRL identity changed by hackers because of her being a whore.
  • The computer that saved the world every 108 minutes in Lost was from a variety of different Mac series. It was designed to have a long string of numbers entered into it by some poor bastard (because the Mac's amazing software couldn't just fucking enter the numbers itself to save everyone a ton of trouble) every hour and 48 minutes to keep the island from swallowing the world. The Mac's presence outraged Locke who proceeded to pwn the sorry excuse of a computer which resulted in an electromagnetic epic fail. Lulz ensued.
  • In 2010, Apple products appeared in more movies than any other company by showing up in 30% of all of the major releases for that year. Since they can't beat Microsoft irl, they decided to dominate the product placement market.[4]

Apple's Marketing Scheme

Apple’s Secret Employee Training Manual [1]
A hard day at work with the Apple crew.

1. Pay software companies to bundle Safari, Bonjour, iTunes, iTunes Helper, Quicktime, Quicktime Updater, Mobile Device Sync, and other shitty unnecessary bloatware into things such as Java and Flash updates for Windows.

2. Make all of these programs/add-ons startup services in Windows. This causes frustration among retarded PC users who cannot figure out why their computer is running like crap.

3. Fucktard PC user hears from his friend, "zomg macs are like teh shit. they nevar get viruses or have any problems"

4. Said fucktard goes to the Mac store and pays for an insanely overpriced Mac.

5. ???????????

6. PROFIT!!!!!

Customer: This Mac is just too expensive.

Genius: I can see how you'd feel this way. I felt the price was a little high, but I found it's a real value because of all the built-in software and capabilities.


Apple’s Secret Employee Training Manual

Troll mac.png

Apple Switch Ad Campaign


Switch was an ad campaign launched by Apple Computer on June 10, 2002. It featured what the company referred to as "real people" who had "switched" from the Microsoft Windows platform to the Mac. Rather than show any redeeming qualities (there are none), they showed how down and cool they were with the average user. An international television and print ad campaign directed users to a website where various myths about the Mac platform were dispersed.

One of the people who appeared in the commercials, Ellen Feiss, gained immense popularity overnight in what might be called an Internet phenomenon.

The Switch campaign was cancelled as soon as Apple realized that it was causing a plague of switchers to descend upon the formerly close-knit Mac community.

Professional Applications

Apple users always love to boast about how their slop shit is used by ~professionals~ for uber important, commercial level endeavors. Touting it as a superior, "high tech" system of unparalleled mastery and importance. Unfortunately for these doorknobs, reality soundly bitch slaps them up alongside their fat heads with the sobering reality that their users are so developmentally delayed that Apple actually has to retard all their software settings down into overly simplistic, infantile, grade school level selections like, "good", "betters" and "bestest".

>rendering videos on a laptop with a shitty dual-core processor without any acceleration from the GPU >2013


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List of Apple fanboys on JewTube

SoldierKnowsBest - [5]
justinsbigidea - [6]
gobbypower - [7]
Chris Pirillo - [8]
Mrseanryan25 - [9]
AppleSoldier - [10]
gixG17 - [11]

List of Apple fanboys on ED

Other Apple Products

See Also

The Windows vs Mac vs Linux debate personified. Note that Apple doesn't even figure into the fight.

Other worthy Products...


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Featured article September 27, 2006
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