Army

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Why you should join the army.

The Army is a big gun controlled by idiots, used to commit mass murder and genocide against foreign peoples whom never threatened your existence, in order to steal oil, gold and gay sex toys for use at home. You can help stop this injustice by protesting against the Army.

History

The Army began last century, when a group of Live Action Role Players decided to meet up for a game of Counter-Strike. Because the internet had not been invented back then, nobody had anything to do, so the LARPers soon found themselves joined by thousands of men from the North (terrorists) and South (counter-terrorists) of the USA.

Things soon got out of hand and the game descended into a civil war which, despite its name, was not very civil at all. Eventually the Government decided that they didn't want their country to be known as "that one with the LARPers" and so they invented a new history about slaves and land rights and all that shit.

However, everyone had such fun that they decided they should form a regular LARPing group and so America's Role/MUD Youth, or Army, was born.

The Modern Army

Error creating thumbnail: File missing
It's a Man's life in the Army.

Since then, the Army has received Government funding and awesome weapons in exchange for holding their games in countries which have declared war on America, or have the potential to attack America, or have just looked at America a bit funny.

Modern Army battles involve each team (or "platoon") killing everyone they meet. Ten points are awarded for each enemy killed, twenty for every enemy vehicle destroyed or captured, thirty for every enemy building destroyed or captured and five points for each civilian killed. A friendly-fire bonus is awarded for shooting down British aircraft or dropping bombs on their soldiers. A swift technique used by the German army to quickly invade certain miles of ground is called the Blitzkrieg technique. There is a force rumored to belong to a country known as "France" but no actual combatants have ever been spotted from this country.

The winner is the first one to unfurl a big banner saying "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED". However, games can often go on for months or years afterward, often to the embarrassment of the Government. Should this happen, the only way to end the game is to stop shipping in Mountain Dew until everyone goes home. There are also special games including "capture the flag" (not to be confused with "capture de fag", a popular game played in America), "co-operative play" (work with the foreign police force until you get bored, then kill them) and "rescue the hostages" (America The Russian Clan SPETSNAZ has never actually won this game due to killwhoring). Recently, a new mode of game appeared called "assymetrical warfare" that usually consists of the clan AMERICAN making useless patrols until the clan "INSURGENT" IEDs the shit out of them and then post the video of it on LiveLeak.

Baby Killers

Baby Killers are also known as "soldiers" or "armed forces". However, the correct terminology to describe their work is always "Baby Killer" and calling them otherwise may make them angry. One of America's biggest exports is the mobile abortion services provided by the United States Coast Guard, Navy, Marines, Army, and the Air Force. The United States Government doesn't care about age restrictions on fetus-death on international markets, so the fine men and women of the armed forces will abort fetuses up to the 480th trimester with, or without consent or thought. Training to become a professional baby killer is no easy task, and includes lots of hanging out with fellow aspiring baby killers and drinking beer, pretending to care about your nation, and generally being the kind of person interested in joining the Armed Forces.

The Soldiers

This type of player is known as a "camper fag"

The Army is largely made up of idiotic country music fans and, during times of war, black person, Mexicans, and the poor. These members are called soldiers, a term "borrowed" from Final Fantasy 7. Some soldiers go to shitty state colleges and join up to pay for the privilege, while snotty rich assholes go to top colleges where they get drunk and high every day and sometimes protest wars that they don't have to fight in by virtue of their being too rich to have to pay for college with military service.

Many people in the Southern states of the USA own guns because the American Constitution says that they can form militias in the event of a home game. Hardcore soldiers regard these people as total n00bs.

Nigras In The Army

As of last Thursday, the Army is approximately 32 percent black, compared to RL's 9 percent. The Army can now steal Iraqi bikes and close pools with greater efficiency than evar before, thanks to h00j enlistment bonuses having lured plenty of nigras. Soldiers' clothing stipends are being increased to accommodate the transition from ACU to the three-piece suit, and regulations now permit the afro in lieu of high-and-tight.

Women in the Army

There's a huge lack of females in the army, because they avoid such hazardous work like the plague due to their princess mentality and endless list of entitlements. Women are too pussyfied and afraid to risk their lives in warfare. Upon any attempt to become "the real American hero", the woman will be dragged from the battle field and savagely raped, both anally and orally, I.E: Jessica Lynch.

The tiny amount of female soldiers pretend to be tough until they're sent to the battlefield. That's when they fabricate excuses to stay safe at home.

Some are in the army for comfort, and because soldiers need to eat, women play an important role in the Army.

Gallery

Your tax dollars at work About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Videos

Why the army in Sweden is so weak

Typical army exercises

See Also

File:Very Special Forces.png
Very Special Forces
City Street.jpg

Army
is part of a series on

Life

[BRB HugboxGo Live One]

City Skyline.jpg
Real Life Objects

AirplanesAlcoholAmiiboBikesBlackberryBoatsBombsBooksBright Neon Nike ShirtCarsCell PhonesChairsCondomsDildosDrugsFireFoodGuitarsGunsKnivesLawnmowersMoneyMotorcyclesMotor OilPiercingScooterSkateboardsTamponsTattoosTelevisionToiletsTrains

Real Life Happenings

AbortionsAdvanced PlacementApril Fool's DayChristmasClubbingDeathDiseaseEasterHalloweenIncestJobsMass ShootingsMurderPay it Forward WeekendPregnanciesProtestsSexSchoolSleepSportsSuicideTraffic ControllersWage GapWar

People In Your Life

ArmyBrotherCopsCripplesDadGrandmaMilitaryMilitary WivesMomOld PeoplePeople (duh) • SisterUncle

See Also

The Comprehensive Guide To LifeIRLList of Proposed Internet-Based IRL CommunitiesMinimalismNight AuditorPokémon Go