|HOLY SHIT, MOOT IS ON ASHLEY MADISON|
Holy shit! Ashley Madison's fucked now!!!11!!
—Ashley Madison website slogan.
—The unofficial Ashley Madison website slogan
Ashley Madison is a website founded by Noel Biderman✡ in 2001 with the sole purpose of shamelessly promoting adultery. Basically, the site's primary function is to go about breaking families and couples apart, all the while profiting off of the resulting pain and suffering and conflicts between the parties. The best part: Ashley Madison has been endorsed by practically every daytime talk show and celebrity, including The View, Ellen Degeneres, Dr. Phil, Good Morning America, Tyra Banks, and many others (Keep in mind that most of these shows tend to promote wholesome family values, and the irony should be pretty clear). Even Larry King gave the website his hearty seal-of-approval. Surprisingly, the media has taken fairly well to the website, with commercials airing on several major TV networks. Now that you're familiar with the site, the next questions on your mind are probably, "how does it work?" and "is there any chance hackers will find my pathetic attempts at infidelity and expose me?" Don't worry, you came to the right place for answers.
Unless you have a fuckload of money, Ashley Madison is probably out of your price range. The site works on a credit system, with 1000 credits costing $249. To get in contact with someone, you have to use some of your credits before even sending them a message, and hope that they aren't one of the many trolls on the site who make accounts purely to fuck people over and steal their money like any money-grabbing Jew would, or one of the thousands of botted accounts which will message you immediately once you register an account. Assuming you've purchased the site's shitty premium membership, and also managed to find somebody relatively interesting and attractive, Ashley Madison does everything it can to hinder the relationship, first by forcing you to post a picture of yourself on your profile (if you're on Ashley Madison, there's no way in hell you're even remotely attractive to begin with) and second, by continuing to charge you for each message which you send to other people. The worst part is that any message you send is probably either going to a bot or to a greasy Chinese man sitting in the basement of a spark plug factory. All in all, the website is a cheap gimmick founded solely on the premise of making money off of people who are too unattractive to get a date irl, while also promising kinky, wild sex with their "female" members (Most of which are fake).
Ashley Madison Users
The site itself is primarily composed of five types of users:
- Legitimate Swingers: These are the fat, middle-aged losers who are at the end of their rope(s), and are hoping to find one last glimmer of passion in their lives before age sentences their wives to flabbiness and incontinence. Desperate doesn't even begin to describe these douches; basically, imagine a lonely, balding obese man with gigantic, square-rimmed glasses who is so desperate for action that he would pay $250 for a prostitute, and you've already got a good idea of what these mouth-breathers are generally like.
- Cougars: These lonely female panthers are typically unsatisfied with their husband or lover's tiny cock, and join Ashley Madison seeking a man who looks like the guy on the Brawny towels. These bitches will do just about anything to get a younger guy in the sack, which includes flashing their wrinkly tits and bone-dry va-jay-jays for the camera.
- Trolls: Since you don't need to pay to sign up for an Ashley Madison account, lots of Trolls make fake accounts and post ridiculously erotic pics so that the Swingers and Cougars will waste all of their credits desperately trying to get some action.
- Vindictive Lovers: Ashley Madison really isn't all too much of a secret, so it's become fairly common for one partner in a relationship to create an account solely to see if the other partner is trying to cheat on him or her. Frankly, the entire situation seems pretty retarded; if you legitimately think your partner is cheating on you, acting like a little bitch and snooping around on a website with millions of users isn't going to solve your problems.
- Bots: Though not technically real users, these bots have been known to make accounts and spam your inbox with a fuckload of junk mail. Most of this junk mail consists of 'get laid tonight', 'fuck a fat black chick', 'ugly and horny chicks wanna fuck', amongst other foolhardy shit like that. Some of the real users actually fall into the 'bot-trap' and end up sending a ton of messages to these automated systems. When they get no reply (it's a bot, dumbass), they send even more messages, until they get so pissed that they violently withdraw from the site.
After the site was hacked and all their data was exposed, it was revealed that there were almost no women using the site, so that hot chick you wanted to bone was either a bot, or an 80 year old Chinese man in panties:
—Yahoo Finance, reveals the real numbers
How to Troll Ashley Madison Users
Aside from the obvious tactic of creating a fake account with a hot girl's pic and simply not replying to any messages, there are several humorous tactics for fucking with Ashley Madison fags:
- The ol' bait and switch tactic: Once someone has contacted you, get all possible information out of them, including address and telephone, and then contact his or her partner, and tip them off to the place where you would have arranged to meet with the faggot who initially contacted you. Imagine the dumbstruck look on his or her face when they are greeted not by a seductive young slut, but instead by the partner whom they had been planning to disgrace. Lulz, assuredly, will ensue.
- The White Knight Approach: Assuming you have the money to pay for an account, send out mass messages to random people, claiming that you are their spouse or partner, and are extremely disappointed in him/her for going behind your back and trying to cheat on you. Alternatively, you can also send out messages claiming to be a friend of someone's spouse or partner, and suggest that you will let them know about their attempted shenanigans if they don't admit the truth to their partners.
- The Misinformation tactic: Send a message to a horny swinger claiming to be a luscious, young (and extremely vulnerable) teenage girl. Arrange to meet in a public setting where many people will be around to witness any potential events unfolding (yourself included). Now, convince either a gay friend or an extremely large and intimidating male friend (bonus points if he's black) to meet the guy and claim to be the girl from the website. Note: This prank works even better the more gay friends you get in on it; one gay guy sitting down at a guy's table can ruin his night, but ten gay guys sitting down at a guy's table might actually make him question his own sexuality.
—Ashley Madison's false sense of security.
In 2015, the site got hacked by a group calling themselves "Impact Team." They threatened to release data on each one of AM's millions of users for every day that the site stays online. How they hacked the site exactly is unknown; however, it doesn't take a genius to tell that site's security is total shit, and the Jews running this shit-show were too stupid to improve the protection, so it was probably a simple SQL Injection. The reason why Impact Team even bothered is mainly because of Ashley's "full delete" option. For a mere 19 shekels, you can completely wipe away all of your data and no one would ever know you were there. Only it doesn't. All of their purchase history, which includes real names, addresses and credit cards, which also leads to their profiles full of their various sexual fantasies, aren't wiped away, and that's exactly what's crippling AM. IT revealed that this lie netted Ashley close to 2 million Jew Golds, and had proof that the things that people most wanted gone... Wasn't gone.
So if AM and Established Men(A prostitute ring/human trafficking site for the 1%) doesn't get taken down, more records will be revealed and the affected peoples' sex lives are going to get a lot more quiet. It's just further proof that any website can put the "SSL Secure Website" sticker on it and claim they're the most secure, hackproof site on the webs.
An Ultimatum from the Impact Team
When they hacked the site, the Impact Team put up a message on the main page, threatening to release all customer and company information out into the public if they did not comply. The message reads:
At the time, it was unknown what kind of information they actually had access to, nor did anyone know what the Jews running the site were doing to fix the problem, if anything at all. Everyone wondered whether or not they would act on their threat, and otherwise prove that they could spill classified customer information out into the public, or if they were just spouting empty threats. Was this Impact Team just be a bunch of script kiddies who only exploited a vulnerable website via SQL injection, or some shit? A couple weeks later everyone got the answer.
RIP-Rest in Penis
On August 18th, it became clear that Ashley Madison and Established Men will soon be dead as their data has now been posted online, due to them thinking Impact Team were pussies and full of shit. Impact Team posted a 9.7 GB data dump of all of AM's members' information and sick fuckery that they could get their hands on, all the way back to 2007, from NORPs to more important people in Canada to fucking pedophile Josh Duggar, etc. All Avid Life did was "increase security", which by now, likely translated to "We did absolutely nothing to fix this".
Then on August 20, moar lulz hit the fan when Impact Team post another 20 gigabytes of data online. This particular batch contains what appears to be several gigs of Noel Biderman's emails. This came, no doubt, as a response to Noel's denying that the hack was legitimate, despite the fact that experts had already called bullshit on that. Some of Noel's emails seem to indicate that he had multiple affairs over many years, which is funny because he has previously stated that he hs nevar cheated on his wife. In fact, it looks like he was actually paying girls for sex, as some requested fund of up to $1500 and others had phone numbers that matched those of girls who post profiles on known escort websites.
—Leaked Raja Bhatia email to Noel Biderman, on why hacking is wrong
In the interest of justice, several sites have already began indexing the email addresses contained in the dump so everyone out there can see if their spouse is one of Ashley Madison's happy customers. The links to these sites are presented below, as we believe in providing a valued public service.
Get ready for a massive murder and castration spike by psychotic wives any time soon, along with ALM drowning and dying in countless lolsuits.
This commercial was banned from the Superbowl
- The Site
- The site gets hacked
- The site's likely death knell
- Our first of potentially many an heroes
- Search for Ashley Madison users - Site 1
- Search for Ashley Madison users - Site 2
- Search for Ashley Madison users - Site 3
- The fact that the site is a scam has been known since 2009
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