Austin

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Austin is the capitol of Texas, home to the University of Texas - the largest public university in 'Merica. Austin is also noted for it's burgeoning live music scene, hippies, and the occasional mass murderer.

Austin is the hippie leftist cancerous growth on the otherwise redneck ballsack that is Texas and is the home to the University of Texas, stomping grounds of such e-notables as 33mhz, Molobolo, cupid Jungian and hardvice, as well as several decent LJers outside Dramacratic circles.

While perhaps not as central to teh drama as, say, Seattle or Atlanta, it's worth noting that, as the former home of Charles Whitman, Austin is the birthplace of the School Shooting, and thus has plenty of drama cred in its own right.

Austin is famous as the "weird little brother" of the rest of the State of Texas. The "Keep Austin Weird" campaign epitomizes the large number of counter cultural forces that serve to regularly embarrass and frighten visiting state legislators from stolid, sensible, God-fearing places like Jasper and Waco.

In 1966, Cho Seung Hui time-traveled back to the University of Texas Tower, this time equipped with a hunting rifle, and a white man mask. Going under the guise of "Charles Whitman", He proceeded to shoot at least 100 students, before being taken down by two police officers. This was considered a failure, because he did not become an hero.

Attractions

Town Lake: Now renamed for Lady Byrd Johnson, "Town Lake" was originally named for itself, which was created by damming up the Colorado river and turning it into the biggest recreational place you've evar seen. Miles and miles of trails, bike routes, and bat watching places. If you stand at the end of South Congress at sunset, you'll be bombarded with bat shit. It used to be full of weed that all the old hippies grew, but they put some fish in and took care of the problem. Drinking the water in Town Lake is the 6th biggest cause of AIDS within the continental United States. Also used to be a great place to hold an Aqua Festival, but the local spics and artfags living along the lakes' many condo and barrio communities bitched and complained about the loud motors and all the people blocking their streets by parking their cars there, so the festival was dropped in the mid 1990s.

Barton Springs: A fetid, unchlorinated cesspit where you will catch hepatitis, if you're lucky.

The Capitol: It's a very masculine pink granite and has a huge underground complex where it is rumored that Reptilians congregate.

The Mothership: The huge fucking Whole Foods store that others call "mother". It has its own 10-level parking garage, food court, and herd of Indie-kids and artists who squat there, competing with pigeons for scraps from the food court. As it is located somewhat close to the Austin branch of the Church of Scientology, many believe the store was originally a UFO that appeared when Tom Cruise last visited the city.

6th Street: Famous for its year round 24/7 fratboy jock rock and clubs given battering ram enemas by the cops. Get a tattoo and a giant cock in your asshole all at once! That's value! Also favorite hangout of Ghost and a regular platoon of homeless, panhandling rednecks, especially in the areas around Congress or Red River.

The Warehouse District: Kind of like 6th Street, only with more AIDS.

Downtown: Be prepared for endless art stores, retarded museums, and wannabe-hip coffee rings. Oh, and LOTS of transients, bums and junkies looking for handouts, particularly in the one-block radius around the East 7th and Red River. Bring a gun or halberd - both are now legal in Texas.

Lake Travis: Yeah motherfucker! That is, if you're into lemonparties and amoebas that blind you.

Leslie Cochran: A homeless tranny who received twenty percent of the vote in a recent mayoral election. He has a makeshift home on the sidewalk and is AWOL mentally. DEAD

Hippie Hollow: Where old naked men go when they're not on the internets. Most women who skinny-dip here not only don't *skinny* anything, but you usually can't see either their boobs or their labia through all the pubic hair.

Mopac YOU ALWAYS FUCKING TAKE MOPAC WHEN YOU'RE IN AUSTIN, UNDERSTAND!? -are you fucking stupid? or do you just like gridlock? No longer relevant- in 2018, Austin is on par with Los Angeles as far as aneurysm-inducing traffic rage goes.

SoCo Sort of recently developed dumping ground for even more fucking food trucks, bougie-bitch shit boutiques, and 'eateries' specializing in niche ingredients like roach milk, reconstituted vegan semen (which comes from nuts, though, so watch out), and fresh from the box placenta.

Unattractions

The University of Texas: The only school of Electrical Engineering in the world run by a wigger, the infamous Dr. John D. Cogdell, nobody gives a shit about your stupid little engineering class- smoke less dope and you'd pass it easier you fucking emokid. Produces more rapist-fratboys than Harvard and Yale combined; though in actuality, rape is by no means restricted to them: rape all around! Also has a football team full of niggers, but what college these days doesn't? Home of the original Cho, Charles Whitman.

Anderson High School: The retarded inbred foster child of AIDS; used to be the black person school back during the days of segregation. As such, they haven't remodeled (or even cleaned) the building since. The old hag running the joint has taken her sad, pitiful life into consideration and after realizing she will never hold any position higher than the principal of the poorest of the rich schools, decided to turn it into a full-scale prison, complete with cameras and police officers (see: rent-a-cops) every 10 feet. If you value your sanity, don't go here. Ever.

Johnston High School: The high school with the worst academic record in Texas history, where most students are on the seven-year plan to graduation by age 21. They keep threatening to close it down, but none of the other schools would allow all the ghetto thugs and wetback rapists in their doors. Johnston exists not as a school, but as a temporary holding facility for tomorrow's human shit.

SH 130: An unwanted, unnecessary tollroad administered by towelheaded Arabs and corrupt politicians. Polls showed 97.4% of those living in Travis and Williamson counties didn't want the roads, much less pay again to use them after their taxes were already supposed to be providing those same roads. TXDoT refused to listen, saying their bastard kids all needed new shoes.

SH 45: See above. Same shit, different road.

Round Rock, Georgetown & Williamson County: Next-door neighbors to Austin in the north. Home to Dell Computer Corporation and the most corrupt police department west of the Mississippi after LAPD. The Williamson Co. Gestapo has been under federal investigation for civil rights abuses against white folks for over twenty years, most of the cases involving teens and college punks getting busted for weed and booze, and then getting beaten and almost raped in the lockups. Some 75% of all cases tried in the county go against the defendant, usually thanks to evidence and testimony falsified by the cops, or by the judge refusing to accept evidence that will acquit. Fines and judgments against those dumb enough to get busted in this county are 500% to 2,500% higher than any other area in the Western Hemisphere, which means that the Gestapo and their Judge bosses are amongst the highest paid public officials in the country. Avoid this county at all costs, especially if Dell has just hired you for tech support.

East Austin: There are tribes in East Austin that have never seen a white man, the lucky cunts. This is where most of Austin's black people live. Chock full of thugs, muggers, rapists, thieves, street walkers, and drug dealers. Oh, and of course, crack hos and artfags who think they're slumming it along with the highest concentration of registered sex offenders in the city. Austin is attempting to "revitalize" the area, starting with the section closest to Downtown, but has yet to answer the important question: where are all the niggers going to go when the trendy shops, bistros and condo dwellers drive them out? Probably to their sister-in-law babycousin place in San Antonio or Manor...either way, certainly not next door to you!

Montopolis: This is where most of the Mexican Americans dwell. The closest thing that Texas has to a barrio outside and north of San Antonio. No attempts are being made to revitalize the area, as the Mexicans are content to live in the squalor they've created. Note that there are approximately 3.15 taco and/or tamale stands per block in this area of town, though also one of the precious few areas where you can get a decent breakfast under $7.

Westlakkke: The uber-rich part of Austin. They claim they're a separate town from Austin, but nobody outside of the enclave believes that. It is legal to shoot non-whites in Westlake, and anyone who doesn't live in Westlake is considered non-white. Only thing the area produces of note are personality disorders and sorority bimbos (all of whom usually end up with blackity-black thug boyfriends) and wigger babies.

IH-35: The parking lot that runs through Austin is the fourth most congested stretch of highway in the nation, mostly because TXDoT refuses to wipe it out and replace it with the 8-lane highway that the city needs running from one end to the other. Completely owns any school shooter by killing over 60 people a year.

North Lamar/Braker: This area used to be mildly affluent, but in recent years it's become home to thousands of fucking South Korean refugees. All of them are either employed by Samsung - which has a fab plant in Austin just up the road - or are related to someone employed there. But considering that all of fucking Korea has been a shithole since the days when M*A*S*H wasn't a work of fiction, who can blame them for wanting to get the fuck out? But then again, they should have gone somewhere where they'd be more at home, like San Fagcisco or Mexico City.

Stony Point High School: Would probably be a much, much better school if it weren't for all the black person and mexicans (though the same could be said about pretty much anything). The building itself is so pretty (it's only about 10 years old), but it's been slowly destroyed and defaced by all the poverty-stricken minorities that don't know how to have nice things without carving gang signs and penises into them. There's also a 9th Grade Center that basically serves as a petri dish for retardedness and general fuckery. Left alone, without the threat of being kicked in the dick by upperclassmen for being idiots, these 9th graders bloom into flowers of unyielding stupidity that are then unleashed upon the main campus. There's also a shit-ton of drugs being taken and sold at both the main campus and 9th grade campus, which has been covered multiple times on the local news. Also, Mr. Thompson has both nipples pierced and do not ask how I know this.

Westwood high school: Dwelling of rich kids in BMW's. Steal them. At least 100% of students are stoners. Senior principal is a pedophile.

Crockett High School: Really crappy school. Full of wanna-be gangstas and Mexicans. Currently run by some Jew principal from New York.

McNeil High School: By far the worst school in RRISD. Filled to the brim with niggers and other degenerate pieces of filth. Run by a strong and independent womyn and staff who had two of their ribs removed to be able to suck their own cocks. At least half of the students are total faggots, so you have a 1/2 chance of getting your dick sucked in the bathroom stall. (This is probably the only place math will ever help you in this school, considering the math teachers will fail you if you breathe the wrong way.)

The People

The residents of Austin fall into these categories:

Culture

Austin's culture is such that any successful attempt to create culture is quickly reverted. The void is then momentarily filled by whatever shit bands the city council can lure to the area within three months of cannibalizing their own people. After successfully destroying the Austin Music Network, the city council plans to constrict any live music venues into oblivion with pointless and heavy-handed laws. This will ultimately allow South By Southwest to impose itself upon the city with no competition.

Another example of how the City Council loves to fuck with any attempts to keep cultural diversity alive was the 2005 Smoking Ban. Although this was supposed to keep those patrons of bars and restaurants protected from the mythical dangers of second-hand smoke, it actually targeted dance halls, nightclubs and titty-bars. During the appeal to the courts to have the ban overturned, it was revealed that the ban was passed into law by a public vote consisting only of old people who were either too old and infirm to party like the youngsters, or just didn't like other people to have any fun regardless of age. The end result was most businesses in Austin seeing huge downturns in their income, as the non-smokers have not turned out in droves to replace the smokers that got chased off by the ban. Way to go, dipshits! Even if the ban is overturned somewhere down he road, the damage has already been done. Austin has only a handful of "Keep Austin Weird" bumper stickers left to distinguish itself from any other mundane college town.

The greatest irony in all this is that the unnecessary bans, unwanted tollroads and thousands of condos are being made to accommodate people moving to Austin are simultaneously destroying the reason why people wanted to move there in the first place.

As the live music capitol of the world, Austin draws a lot of hipsters, emos, hippies, goths, and every scenecunt imagined. When one moves to Austin for whatever purpose, they are automatically issued the entire Radiohead discography (minus Pablo Honey, as we all know that this album was destroyed in the lollercaust).

It should really come as no surprise at this point that Austin, TX is now an overhyped shithole that caters to trustfund fags and hipsters who can't afford to move to Portland or Williamsburg. And spoiler alert, Austin was designed from day one to keep the spics and spooks far away from the hardworking white folk.

Famous Austinites

Matthew McConaughey - totally not gay.
Lance Armstrong photographed by paparazzi on a quick late-night run to The Cockpit.
Speaking out against APD abuses is his passion. Showing you his hairy, unwashed man ass is just a perk.
"Dell - At Least Its Not As Shitty As The One You've Got Now!"

In Showbiz

In Sports

In Politics

  • Ann "Da Man" Richards: probably the most kick-ass governor of any state prior to Ah-Nuld. She died in 2006 of a rage stroke, probably pissed off at something her successor did.
  • Leslie Cochran: homeless transvestite faggot and male thong model. Leslie is a 3-time candidate for mayor, having once earned 8% of the city's vote. It prefers to be called a man, hangs around 6th & Congress during the day, and if you ask nicely, it'll even come to your house party. Giving in to Leslie's request for a hug is known to transmit a mutated strain of AIDS that, before killing you, turns you into a a homeless cross-dresser. In this way, Leslie can be thought of as a queer vampire.
  • Kinky Friedman: Jewboy, retired punk-rocker (no lie!), and failed politician.
  • It is rumored that The Anti-Christ will come from Austin, probably from UT's Electrical Engineering school.
  • John Henry Faulk: commie pervert who was witch hunted by McCarthy because he wouldn't put out.
  • Rick Perry: hard-line religious right asshole and current governor of Texas. Once suggested that Texas secceed from the US, but then totally pussed out.
  • Lady Byrd Johnson: former First Lady and aesthetic environmentalist. Despised by everyone in nearby Burnet, TX because she had local attraction Nigger Head Mountain changed to Colored Mountain.
  • Alberto Gonzales: who gave the country Abu Ghraib and spawned the Secret Squirrel Drinking Game.
  • Norma McCorvey: a.k.a. Jane Roe of Roe vs. Wade. Long time supporter of pussy control. Changed her mind in 1994.
  • Madalyn Murray O'Hair: founded American Atheists.

In Shooting People

  • Charles Whitman: the most famous Marine sniper after Lee Harvey Oswald. Whitman shot Over 9000 UT students in the summer of 1966 - thus living out the fantasy of every Austinite who has ever tried to park on Guadalupe on a weekday. Austin needs this man to return from the grave to cleanse it of Drag Worms, especially the ones who lurk after midnight, being homeless on purpose and snorting bath salts off the railings at Le Fun (LOL long closed) the Scientology HQ.
  • Doris Miller: WWII hero who shot down at least 100 tojo planes at Pearl Harbor because he was pissed at being given a woman's name.

Miscellaneous

Events

"...and then the solo is all like WHAA NAAAAAAAA NA NYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!... oh man I got the munchies..."

South by Southwest

(moar liek South by Sofuckingwhat, amirite?) If the hipster-coddling Jew-financed indie rock scene were a religion then SXSW would be their Mecca. Austinites spend each and every March surrounded by the same yuppies which you may find to be refreshingly absent from your city. Remember when people cared about the Sundance Film Festival? And the way people from Utah would bitch and moan over the influx of douchey scenesters into their quiet little communities? No? Well, I bet you saw the Southpark episode about it, and SXSW is essentially the same thing, but for fag-rock. In an effort to swindle further Jew gold from the nation's trust fund jockeys, the event's organizers have recently incorporated a film festival, and now an "Interactive Festival", drawing the total running length of the event to just over 52 weeks per year. You can always tell when SXSW is going on because your AT&T service slows down to a goddamn crawl - that would be the additional 15,000 iPhones cunting around town. Protip: troll by jumping the fence and screaming "MAGAAAAAAAA!!!".

Eeyore's Birthday Party

Every April the city's fratboy and hippie population scampers out from under their cardboard boxes long enough to take over the aptly named Pease Park in celebration of a fictional cartoon character's birthday. This celebration comes in the form of freestyle frolicking, napalmable drum circles, sharing poorly rolled joints and reeking of assorted body odors. Participants are encouraged to dress in gaudy costumes or just plain old hippie drag, parade their hairy scrotums and sagging udders in the presence of children, and basically act like complete and utter faggots.

Austin Reggae Festival

Why go to Jamaica when Jamaica can come to you? That's the line of reasoning behind "Bob Marley Fest". Fun fact: it's no longer officially called Bob Marley Fest because even Marley's family want nothing to do with a bunch of scraggly white hippies from Texas. As with the aforementioned Eeyore's Birthday, Marley Fest is just another excuse for crusty wooks to smoke pot outside, instead of in their more traditional locales - mom's basement, or in the alley behind ITT Tech between classes.

Texas Relays

You can never truly appreciate the abject shittiness of niggers until they've swarmed your home town like a mush-mouth Egyptian plague of chrome rims and boxer waistbands. Texas Relays started out as a no shit track & field competition, but the athletic events have become overshadowed by the accompanying street ape party scene that infests Austin each spring. Great place to see gleaming 20-inch 84 rims supporting primer-gray 1989 Civics, gang bangers crowding out your neighborhood gas station, and a good ol' fashioned shivving or two. And rape, gotta have rape. Local business owners now face allegations of racism should they decide to cut business hours during this weekend. Highland Mall owners, who - due to the fact that they own Highland Mall - could not afford the extra security to keep thieves out and had to shorten their ours last year. They instantly became the most high profile "racists" in town. Bought out by Austin Community College since racism doesn't pay, faggots. In the words of local civil rights leader Toby Boy, "Dibbersity be are stremf." Makes you wistful for the days of slavery.

ACL Fest

What SXSW has in money and notoriety, Austin City Limits has in actual music. Granted, there are more than enough shit bands performing each year, but the ratio of Flogging-Mollys-to-Franz-Ferdinands is much better than people like to give credit. ACL is only a few big time acts away from competing with Coachella or Lollapalooza, but, because it's held in the summer in Texas, and because nothing good escapes the ever-fuckling grasp of the city council, ACL will probably stay where it is forever.

Trolling Austinintes

  • Three words: Rick Motherfuckin' Perry
  • Suggest that the Barton Springs watershed be developed.
  • Insist that the title, "Live Music Capitol of the World" belongs to another city.
  • Remind them that Barack Obama is only half black person.
  • Hint at your desire to relocate to Austin from California.
  • Vote Republican.
  • Tell them Whole Foods Market sold out to corporate America.
  • Say any other state is better than Texas. Bonus points for mentioning Florida, New York, or especially Oklahoma.
  • Insist that instant coffee beats any of the local shops.
  • Inform them that Ann Richards sucks cocks in hell.
  • Say Stevie Ray Vaughn sucks and that his statue should be taken down.
  • Ask "What's so great about Texas anyway?" (note: this will generally spur an unending lecture about Texas history)
  • Refer to Interstate 35 as "The 35". Also works with "Loop 1" and "Capitol of Texas Highway".
  • Remind them of how local hero Lance Armstrong dabbled in anabolic steroids, before whoring around on his first wife who had supported him through his battle with testicular cancer but then used witchcraft to give his whore breast cancer.
  • Tell them you live in The Domian, Mueller, or The Triangle, and that you'd like to see more of Austin developed in the same way.
  • Show support for the Williamson County Sheriff's Department.
  • Mention how much money the city could get by selling off Zilker Park.
  • Ask them how proud they are that their local hero George W. Bush became president.
  • Tell them you've been to better parties in College Station or Denton.

See Also

Links


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