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Authonomy is a website set up by major publisher Harper Collins in an effort to stem the tide of badly written Twilight fanfic that inundates their office. Aspiring authors register an account, upload their book, and begin "networking" in an attempt to push their book up into one of the five coveted slots on the Editor's Desk.
Harper Collins is either incredibly internet naive or a troll. They promised AN ACTUAL REAL LIVE EDITOR OMG!!! would read the first three chapters of the books maneuvered into the top five slots every month, thereby creating a juicy orchard ripe with drama and LULZ as the stay-at-home Twimoms update their avatars with new myspace angles five times a day in the hope that it will cause the few dudes that aren't fags to accidentally click "back this book" while fapping.
How the system works
- Each book has a ranking, its position in the line to get to the "Editor's Desk."
- Each user has a ranking as a "Talent Spotter" and a "Shelf" that can display a maximum of five books at a time.
- To improve a book's rank and propel it toward the desk, it must be "backed." This is accomplished by users putting the book on their shelf.
- A book's ranking is affected by the TSR (Talent Spotter Rank) of the user shelving it. * The lower the rank, the further ahead in line the book moves. The higher the TSR, the less valuable the backing.
- A user's TSR is determined by how far toward the desk the books on their shelf go. The books only help lower TSR while they are on the shelf.
- Spam - messages sent via the on-site messaging system asking others to read your book, usually targeting new users and those with lower TSRs.
- Backing - putting a book on your shelf, helping to lower its rank
- Slut Backing - backing many books in the hope that some users will reciprocate and back your book
- Whore Backing - backing a book with the understanding yours will be backed in return
- Read - some users get squeamish openly asking for backings, they ask for reads instead
- Swap - "You 'read' my book, I'll 'read' yours." Same as whore backing. When someone asks for a swap, the appropriate response is ALWAYS "You go first."* Especially if you don't have a book.
- Making a book private - when the butthurt hide their books from public view because they can't stand the public humiliation any more.
Working your TSR
The best way to push your TSR down fast is to back recently uploaded books before other people get to them. Then as more people shelve them in an attempt to get in early and lower their TSR, your TSR goes down. Your TSR is only affected by a book's improvement while that book is on your shelf.
To get the maximum benefit, pick something in the thousands with a green arrow that shows a lot of gain. (Authonomy nicely provides the amount of rank a book has gained or lost in the last week in parentheses next to the current rank.) You can locate these books by checking Latest Authors. All the top TSRs circle this section like buzzards to grab whatever is coming in.
Keep an eye on what's on your shelf. If the arrow turns red, chuck it like a prom night dumpster baby.
Having a low TSR makes you important and popular. Lots of people will pretend to be your friend because they want you to back their books.
Drama is the heart and soul of LOLthonomy.
Harper Collins gave users the power to delete their posts, and whole threads, if they delete the first post, but in recognizing the havoc this can wreak on archiving internet drama, the rest of the posts remain in their database and can still be uncovered using the search function. They can't be retrieved in their entirety, but the preview portion is often enough to follow the lulz. This supports the Harper Collins as troll theory.
Another feature of the site is that there is no private messaging. There is a message system, but everything written is public. This often leads to accusations of stalking when one user carries a grudge against another and reads and comments on their messages. Users that have been around for a while confine their more savory gossip to facebook or email.
Authonomy has very few actual trolls. So far it remains virtually untouched, a sheltered little drama orchard bursting with lolfruit. The users have thus far not experienced any real trolling, and have a tendency to misslabel attention whores and butthurt users that return under new names as trolls.
Because this is the only "trolling" the site has experienced, they never consider an outside source and devote massive amounts of time and energy to trying to identify who's behind the new name.
Also contributing to the drama, many users post under their actual names or have attached them to their books, making it ridiculously easy to drop docs. They do this because they believe Publishers and Agents are watching their every move and that using their real names and pictures constitutes professionalism. No books have ever been published under pseudonyms.
In March of 2009, an announcer for StarCraft matches named Klazart decided to put his novel Lesser Sins on Authonomy. He sparked a LOLLERCAUST and entered into the annals of Authonomy legend when he made a simple YouTube video asking his rabid gamer fanbase to please support his book.
His fans then Zerg rushed Authonomy, backing Klazart's book and causing a great BAW to be heard from all the users that had spent the past six months spamming the fuck out of each other and pretending to care about other people's shitty books in order to get their own poorly-written drivel to the Holy Grail of LOLthonomy: The Editor's Desk.
"This is the end of Authonomy as a serious writing site." Butthurt plus racism equals lulz.
Authonomy Discovers ED
—A. Alinson, who should be encouraged to stop writing and go back to the kitchen
—Thunderbird, who doesn't find satire at all amusing.
—dbooth, who understands that reporting abuse is for pussies and the lulz should be kept alive.
—Absolution, proud owner of a nigger dick.
A Faggot Rages
After receiving a swift ban for attempting to remove all pertinent information from this article, someone going by the name Mike ([email protected]) proceeded to spam the holy fuck out of DYS's email with all sorts of physical and lolsuit threats. While it has not been 100% confirmed, it seems from the exchange that the person responsible for sending the emails is Michael Mitchell.
(Note: Each "M" represents a separate email) M: Why won't you allow me to remove defamatory content from the authonomy page D: Perhaps you should lurk the site a bit to obtain a proper understanding of just what ED is all about. M: By stopping me from removing the content, you are taking part in the defamation and you can be held liable as well. D: Please send all future emails on this matter to [email protected] M: I hope you are aware that new legal precedent has been set in which internet companies (Google, Microsoft) must release information about their users who participate in defamation. I will enjoy serving legal papers on Microsoft (who I believe owns "live") in order to obtain your identity so that I can sue you. M: and just so you know, I am going to sue you directly M: you don't give a shit when people are defamed on the internet, but let's see how you like it when you get a law suit coming out of your ass M: are you going to enjoy that? M: you want me to play by your rules after you won't play by mine I hope you own property because once I get a judgment against you for defamation I'm going to collect my damages by taking away your property M: legal nightmare M: once your name is published in the decision, let's see what people say about you on the internet? you can't hide behind an anonymous identity forever M: do you know what you've gotten yourself into? M: does your family know about the behavior you engage in? M: do you think this is ever going to end? M: do you want me to show up at your house with legal papers? M: do you think it's smart to fuck with people's reputations M: what do you really know about life? M: I think this might be the thing you regret more than anything else in life M: something really bad's going to come of this M: I hope you're going to enjoy this as much as I'm going to enjoy defending my reputation to the full extent of my legal rights M: you've suddenly gone quiet? M: what? rules? go through your legal department? do you even acknowledge that the law exists? M: I guess you kind of feel powerful hiding this way, but I wonder how you're going to feel when your property is taken away to pay for the judgment i'm going to get against you punitive damages are going to result from your maliciousness. M: you're a bit of a coward aren't you? D: I heard your name is Mike Mitchell and that you prefer your partners on the young side. M: i don't care what you say to me, but if it's published on your site and you remain a gate keeper for it, then it's going to cost you a lot of money M: you know what's going to happen when you're found right? you're aware of all the legal consequences? M: if you like saying those types of things, why don't you meet me in person and say it to my face? M: and you are aware that the more you make malicious statements like that "i heard your name is Mike Mitchell and that you like younger women" the easier it will be for me to prove that you are acting out of malice, which will be punished with greater damages M: you don't want to meet me? M: are you concerned that a judge is going to look at your most recent email as evidence of malice? M: I highly recommend you show that most recent email you sent me to your legal department M: big mistake
Notable LOL-cows and Attention Whores
PROTIP: TAKE MANY SCREENSHOTS!!! THIS NIGGER BALEETS THE LULZ!!!
Absolution is a black person that thinks he can write. This is wrong, as all darkies are illiterate. He overcompensates by telling all the other basement dwellers how to write. His advice is always wrong. This is not because he is black. It is because he is ignorant.
Some believe that Absolution is not, in fact, black, but that he claims to be a coon because there is a much lower standard for what is considered good writing. If a white man wrote that badly, he'd be sent back to the third grade.
- email: [email protected]
- Authonomy profile
- His Website--Becuz if u pretend you got ur own publishing company, it's not SELF-publishing anymore, rite guys?
I want to stab Absolution
Last Thursday, dune coon and frustrated writer ShuabParvez cracked under constant harrassment from uppity know-it-all Absolution and started a thread called "I want to stab Absolution" where he detailed how he would like to track down Absolution and stab him in front of his daughter as a result of Absolution dropping docs on ShuabParvez after Shuab claimed, "My company only employs black people to clean toilets."
—ShuabParvez, on the sauce
ShuabParvez drank moar and his plan became more elaborate, to stab Absolution while his daughter watched. Then to cut his throat and rape his daughter, then to rape Absolution while his daughter watched.
When ShuabParvez sobered up, he claimed he was just method acting one of the characters in his book and, sadly, baleeted the lulz before they could be adequetely preserved. He also quit Authonomy forever. This is unfortunate because, unlike Absolution, ShuabParvez could actually write interesting books that weren't all about how he hates whitey. This is believed to be why Absolution hates ShuabParvez.
LOL I WILL POISON YOUR HORSE
For some reason that noone remembers because it happened at least 100 years ago, Absolution decided he hated a member called Wagtail. (Stick with me, it's relevant.) He got his girlfriend to dox Wagtail and succeeded in making her quit forever also, albeit with less lulzy outburts than ShuabParvez.
Because that's the kind of guy he is, Absolution likes to remind everyone how leet his doxing skills are. But he's already been warned by Harper Collins for posting other users' info, so he has to be sneaky and pretend like he's making hypothetical example with her real info and totally not a veiled threat at all.
I WILL DOX U ALL!!!
Lock up your crackpipes, EDiots. It's undercover nigger!
The troll response ranged from lolwut to just plain lol. The traffic to his website increased by an order of magnitude as at least three people refreshed to see whether he had posted the docs of the users he imagines them to be.
When he was met with derision, mockery, and requests for fried chicken, Absolution decided to tell everyone about his leet phonebook haxor skillz. Because that will show them.
After they stopped laughing, a decision was reached: The trolls then had no choice other than to promptly dox Absolution's girlfriend.
He proceeded to shit himself and has not been heard making ridiculous threats since.
He is, however, still making himself ridiculous.
The Banhammer falls like Groundhog Day
In 2012, after being deleted for fightz with all the contender clownz of authonomy in a continual fit of his attitudze, the Big Blue Palooka couldn’t keep away from the small fish pond and after being banned (again) with the laughable ID The Indestructible Captain Scarlett he took over the ID of his partner in crime LozD, picking up where he left off, telling everyone his voice was the only voice that looked good in writer pantz. True to form he got banned telling another user his children should've been aborted. Per standard Authonomy operating procedure, this would normally be overlooked as witty banter but in this case his account was summarily executed, to the great relief of pretty much everyone.
Not to be discouraged, he washed up in the cesspit of the Amazon Kindle Forums (where all shitty self-published authors go to flog their wares) and proceeded to play the same broken record, threatening to use his leet h4x0r phonebook to dox reviewers and send fake pedophile alerts to their kid's schools.
After being banned from Amazon, and bereft of the attention fix he so desperately needs, he returned to Authonomy as Emily Wilkinson where he fooled exactly no one and started his bragging about 3 (socked) ED medals and how that made him the shit.
Everyone is eagerly awaiting his next mental breakdown (triggered by the periodic realization that no matter how many crappy books he writes he'll always have a microcock) and calls everyone "cunts" and threatens to stalk their kids.
Sylvania isn't actually a real person at all, but a very well developed sock puppet (rumored) to belong to a popular user whose name rhymes with "Stonia Smarlowe."
She claims to have a husband but Authonomy speculation is that he leftin 2011 and she hasn't noticed because she's too busy talking to her sock puppets and flirting with Authonomy men despite being old enough to be your grandmother.
If you're an attractive man (or can play one on the internet) and want your book to do well on Authonomy, the fastest, easiest way to the desk is to seek out "Stonia" and exchange e-sexual favours for backings. If you please Queen "Stonia" she may smile upon you and use her plethora of socks to back your book, thereby giving you a smooth ride to the top.
If you are considering this strategy, be aware it can disaster to backfire with disasterous consequences as "Stonia" has been known to become enamored with the men who curry her favor and follow them off the site to Facebook and other places, where she drives off any woman younger than your mom, thereby ensuring you will never have non-geriatric sex again. (As if you got laid to begin with.)
Sobriquet X was a valuable member of the Authonomy community who offered helpful advice to other aspiring writers on how they might improve their work (an example of which appears above). She was very concerned about the mentally handicapped. Some might even call it a fetish.
Unfortuantely, she's a shitty writer and the only thing she should ever write is a manual on how not to write. She will never recognize this because she suffers from illusory superiority complex which causes her to believe she is smarter, sexier, and better than you in every way, despite being a used-up cam whore.
She also posts repeatedly about her ex-boyfriends. The conservative estimate of the number of cocks that have traveled the well-worn path to her vagina is over 9000. A source within Authonomy also told ED SOBriquetX is a
cheat dedicated friend that uses sock puppets to back her friends' books.
(If you're going to cheat, you probably shouldn't tell everyone. AMIRITE?)
After discovering her ED page, SobriquetX got very busy editing all her old comments on Authonomy to remove her shitty advice and all mention of her shitty book, "Proclivity", which "explores themes of happiness, scars on boys, chemistry, fruit and circuitous love" because she feared ED getting a hold of it. She may also opt for the final solution. ED eagerly awaits further updates.
Sock Puppet Bonanza
SOBriquetX had pretty much everyone convinced that her new sock puppet Sugarpie was actually BarbAnne, despite the lack of CAPSLOCK and actually being much stupider than BarbAnne, even though BarbAnne is a coon and SOBriquetX is Pennsylvania white trash.
Spoiler: SOBriquetX does not take rejection well.
SOBriquetX gave herself away when, in a fit of butthurt lesbian rage, she decided to vandalize this page. Unfortunately, her angst and fury at Joan Ellison for not leaving her husband and kids and travelling over 9000 miles to swing with her was not particularly lulzy. After ED broke the news that SobriquetX is the genius behind SugarPie, she vandalized the page to remove the information and proceeded to make herself yet another sockpuppet and delete the posts where she fucks up and outs herself.
Deleting shit doesn't unsay it, SobriquetX. Also lost to the Great Dramapocalypse was SobriquetX's complicated paranoid belief that all posters are someone else (possibly reptilians?) out to get her.
SobriquetX fixated on the troll Snazzy because Snazzy was a black woman and if SobriquetX is anything, it's horny for interracial lesbian loving. Or possibly because she believed Snazzy was really Joan Ellison, the object of her unreturned affection. Many bunnies were boiled in Snazzy's honor.
But how did ED know??? It definitely couldn't be related to the very subtle psychotic obsession with Joan Ellison displayed by all of SOBriquetX's various accounts.
Barb Anne Smith is uppity negro with a constitutional inability to not unleash the motherfucking fury on every post that is not hers. Her excuse for why people do not like her book is racism, when in fact it is because it is a shabbily written slave-rape fantasy with a plot stolen from Toni Morrison.
Barb Anne exemplifies the exact reason that everybody hates black people. Possibly the whitest black woman on earth, she can barely spell and is in no danger of having her work published anytime
soon ever. Her massive ego and sense of entitlement lead her to berate Harper Collins with demands about how they should run their site. She lords her "relationship" with Harper Collins over the rest of the forum, though inside emails leaked to an undercover ED source show the site moderators view her with as much disdain as everyone else.
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How You Can Help
Authonomy is full of drama, starting around 5PM GMT (when all the Poms get home and start drinking) and going all night long. You can watch it closely for impending LULZ-splosion and take screenshots because when the faggots sober up they baleet the lulz.
You can help by reminding them this page exists.
Document the following users of note
Perez Hilton wannabe POSSIBLE PEDO ALERT!!!
- His Perez Hilton wannabe blog (he also leaves comment's on Perez's saying how much better Lime Green Scream is. LOLOLOLOL)
- Inkpop where "mini tyke mike" pretends to be a teenage japanese girl. Creeeeeepy Y/N?
- Authonomy profile Mostly baleeted. All the underage girls are on inkpop these days.
- Authonomy profile
- Smashwords (for her shitty self-published novel)
- group blog with a bunch of other writers that can't get anyone else to actually pay for their shitty books
- Her shitty gay footballer fanfic self-pubbed on Amazon Go ahead, leave her a review.
Wanna-be troll, banned from black person sites all over the internet
- Authonomy profile
- Abetalk forum profile becuz Jobo is a wizard in a symphony of magical knowledge
- 2000AD tells Jobo to STFU noob and Jobo fails to peddle his shitty Mary Sue novel to Comic book fans.
Make an account
Help them lern to rite gud
One of the major facets of Authonomy is that it allows writers to leave comments on each other's books offering suggestions for improvement. Because of the popularity contest aspect of Authonomy, comments tend to stick to the "Awesome book! Backed!" category (with a little hint that the backer would like reciprocation--sometimes blatant, sometimes they just leave the name of their book). You can help them lern to rite gud by telling them the TRUTH about their books.
Also Authonomy has also most thoughtfully made it impossible for a user to delete comments left on their books. They have to report the comment and then Authonomy decides whether to delete it.
These people think their books are ready for the big time. Help them make sure! Because they are so close to getting their books in front of a real live editor, they will have extra appreciation for your dedication to their success. DO NOT "back" them unless you really believe they are ready for publication. That only hurts them by feeding their delusions.
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