From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Ass Burgers is a term which grew out of the wild and competitive "Publish or Perish" medical research establishment. A certain Dr. Hans Asperger had the brilliant idea of putting all the psychopaths with no or little social skills in one group and diagnosed them with a new mental illness: AUTISM. (The name itself is a euphemism for what he called "Autistic Sociopaths"). Like all mental illness there is absolutely no physical evidence that it actually exists; but for expecting parents it replaces Down's Syndrome as the number one disorder they fear their child will develop. It differs from High Functioning Autism in that it was considered utter bullshit before it was popular to invent psychiatric disorders. Update: Since 2014 (cf. DSM-V), Assburgers Syndrome is officially no longer a recognized condition in psychology or the field of medicine, it is now plain autism.
Asperger-monsters are the most self-centred, selfish pieces of shit on the planet. Devoid of empathy, social reasoning, social context, or self-awareness, they are subhuman meat-calculators, who live to collect and catalogue items like barcodes, bottletops, and plastic crap. Common symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome include failing at social interaction and empathy, failing at communication, failing at getting a job, failing at life, failing at hygiene, becoming obsessed with cartoons or video games, and breaking out into fits of Stress™ when their strict routines are broken or when they're asked to stop being lazy, self-serving leeches living off the government and their parents, and it is almost certainly a choice.
Such losers believe that having Asperger's Syndrome excuses all forms of social retardation, attention whoring and shitty self-absorbed bullshit, while also allowing them to lay claim to its supposed symptom of "higher than average levels of intelligence".
For these reasons, Asperger's Syndrome has greatly outstripped ADHD as the chic diagnosis of choice for pretty much every group of retards on the internet. It is no wonder then that all people with Asperger's Syndrome are fugly.
Interestingly, the effects of longterm neglect in early childhood is nearly identical to Asperger's Syndrome, which itself can be fairly compared to psycopathy and sociopathy. This proves to be a good argument for drastic measures, as evidenced here. Be sure to thank the nearest Aspie for drawing Sonic the Hedgehog porn rather than killing and eating neurotypicals.
Assburgers on the Internets
AssBurger has become a fad for those seeking to garner attention unto themselves. In the fine, hallowed tradition of disease whores everywhere, many of today's youth expertly design a disease which kills two birds with one stone by:
- Assuming others are born normal rather than work at it, giving the self-proclaimed Aspie an excuse not to make an effort to develop social skills, and
- Assuming they were born smart, rather than merely having had more exposure to books and computers because no one wanted to be around them.
Also known as ...
- Ass Burgers
- Asspie Syndrome
- Butt Sandwich's Syndrome
- Cerebral lawlzy
- H.I.T.M.E. (kinda like HIV is to AIDS, this is to the A.U.T.I.S.M.)
- High-functioning autism
- Subhuman meat calculators
Assburgers on ED
It's common knowledge that asspies don't give two shits about anything but themselves. Asspies are selfish, narcissistic assholes who expect the motherland to feel remorse for putting up such an offensive article. However, they do not care about women, nigras, homosexuals, WTC, abortion, animal abuse politics, or anything that doesn't relate to people licking their burger-asses. So, being typical faggots, they do what they do best: bitch and moan.
It should also be noted that asspies tend to compare themselves to famous asspies in history, failing to realize that those people succeeded in life and aren't basement dwelling rejects. So the next time you hear an asspie compare himself to Einstein, feel free to redirect him to Chris-chan but more importantly, remind them that Einstein was very capable of getting laid and was also well known for his sexual conquests. Furthermore, Einstein wasn't some fat ass piece of shit who used the Assburgers' excuse to get out of gym class but was rather adept at soccer and other sports.
They also posthumously diagnose people like Einstein or Dirac, who might very well have fucking hated and rejected the idea of "aspergers" on both logical and ethical grounds. It is also interesting to note that they only ever diagnose with Assburgers deceased historical figures who are overwhelmingly considered history's 'good guys' - you will never hear these people claim that Hitler or Caligula were asspies, despite what some historians now believe.
Assburgers is a made-up disease, most common in overachieving middle-class families, because little Johnny is either a social outcast, or is just acting fucking retarded. The parents diagnose their child, and the "doctors" go along with and encourage it because of the money it generates for them. It's a self-perpetuating cycle. Fuckers. The truth is, the Assburgers diagnosis has become popular with parents because they need a good excuse as to why their "retarded children are dumb faggots who will be dying alone."
The diagnostic criteria were established by John Harvey Kellogg in 1888 and consist of the following:
- You talk about things that nobody cares about
- Wearing other things that nobody wears
- Your friends are either way out of your age group, imaginary or are woodland creatures, none of which are good things
- Missing social cues when you act like a fuck-up in public.
- Telling various sob stories about being misunderstood/discriminated against.
- Ending said sob story on the note that you wouldn't want to be rid of your 'condition' anyway since you are actually smarter than most everyone else and probably the next step in evolution, (like an xmans!!)
- Hand flapping.
- Tourette's Syndrome
- Walking around in circles or moving parts of your body like you are on drugs.
- Mumbling to yourself in class like a retard.
- Ruining the internet
- Talking with a robotic accent - see Lulzcast 2.
- Not getting the hint in social situations
- Having multiple LiveJournals for the different "aspects of your personality", one of which is naturally filled with slash.
- Thinking that everyone else is the one with the problem.
- Thinking Lawyers can save their asses against the internets and Lulz
- Having an unnatural obsession with elevators.
- Possessing a massive victim complex about how the evil NTs are making your selfish life hard.
- Continously fapping their curved penis.
- Giving a flicker of the eyes when looking at someone.
- You claim to have no interest in sex/ be asexual, but go on to Gamefaqs.com and TV Tropes to bore people with your cataloging of sexual practices that you have rated as which would be the most pleasurable, because you would know because you have never had sex. AM I RIGHT HYENA?
- Browsing ED
- Being a Medic profile on Ifunny and making SFM posters showing off your medic's cosmetics while being a self-centered Faggot who isn't even good in TF2, aslo in reality , many would tell you to End your worthless life
If you have any of the symptoms listed above, or if you have taken the linked test, then you are DEFINITELY an Asspie, and need to "come out" to your flist about your "special gift" NOW, while immediately affixing the appropriate pro-asspie userboxes to your Wikipedia admin page so that people know never to argue with you, ever, because that would be discrimination. Some brave Asspie named Jeremy orkin (username:godhatesautism) came out of the closet and told everyone that Asspie retards are dumb faggots. He was most likely killed by Zionist Asspie CIA agents.
Autism is one of the three most common acts of attention whoring/e-drama. The other two are Death (specifically suicide) and being Pregnant (especially teen pregnancies, which is where most asspies come from, funnily enough).
Autismals feature an exoskeleton, a segmented body, and jointed appendages. They replace their cuticle periodically by moulting. Unlike most animals, autismals are very successful in dry environments with abundant sand they can count and then turn into transistors. Their internal organs are generally built of repeated segments. Autismal vision relies on various combinations of compound eyes and pigment-pit ocelli. Autismals have a wide range of chemical and mechanical sensors. The evolutionary ancestry of autismals dates back to the Cambrian period. Autismals first appeared in the fossil record approximately 535 million years ago and there are many exceptionally preserved specimens, which all autismals can immediately identify and tell you all about for hours if not days. Autismals contribute to the human species as anal know-it-alls, and more importantly as a source of lulz. Some specific species are known to spread severe disease to humans, livestock, and crops. Facebook is a highly contagious infection that spreads easily through coughs and sneezes. Nine out of ten people who are not immune who share living space with an infected person will catch it.
Asspie national anthem
—Aspie national anthem
When Aspies are happy and they know it, they will take the time and liberty to record themselves laughing because of their immense egotism.
Having Asperger's Syndrome
. . . As Covering Up for Being a Total Retard
Some close-knit communities of "people", such as furries, plushies, and otherkin possess such distorted views of reality as to be particularly susceptible to forming a belief that their ostracism is due to victimization by outside factors. They will not infrequently claim to have Assburger's or be Autistic en masse, often finding some way to tie its manifestations into the fact that they are social misfits. The truth is, though, that they're just complete assholes and fail at proper expression of affection. In certain instances, having "Assburger's" seems to be correlated with the posting of disgusting and semi-nude pictures of yourself frequently on the internet and local AIDS awareness seminars, or writing highly disturbed fanfiction. Additionally, it is not unheard of for these individuals to claim multiple, even superficially seemingly incompatible diagnoses of a plethora of diseases -- possibly claiming anorexia, ADHD, autism, Asperger's, schizophrenia, PTSD, OCD, and anything else they've ever read about or seen on CSI.
. . . As an excuse for violent crime
There have been many examples of Assburger's being an excuse for murder, rape or other violent crime recently. For example, Nicky Reilly, an Aspie with the IQ of a 10-year-old, had attempted to bomb a cafe for his Allah in the UK. His lawyers then bawled about Asperger's Syndrome and his mental retardation. Also, John Odgren has made national news for murdering a classmate in a wealthy town in Massachusetts. He has used Asperger's Syndrome as a defense with moderate success.
Einstein was an Aspie, so that makes me special!
— A retard making excuses. Explains why asspies are passionate about doing nothing.
Websites such as this try to facilitate the asspie myth that some of history’s most famous geniuses and philosophers had the condition. People such as Albert Einstein (of course), Ludwig van Beethoven, and Wolfgang Mozart all supposedly had the affliction despite a lack of evidence to prove this. Yes, all the whiny, self-diagnosed people you have read about on this page have all the untapped creative energy that Thomas Edison had. Unfortunately, none of them appear to have any of the talents Einstein did tap into, (which just happen to be the good ones). All of the things mentioned by the site are part of the conspiracy by those with Asperger's Syndrome to show that the disease is at the higher end of the autistic spectrum. Coincidentally though, most of the people who they listed have been dead for years so there is no way of telling if they had the disease or not. It's also funny how they pick the most prolific and recognizable people of the era's to classify as autistic, which any historian would either act rationally and give educated analysis on why this isn't true, or just jump on the bandwagon to avoid soccer mom's that would have them fired for life and left of the streets to die of being a functioning human being.
Asspies are responsible for all the evil in history
Whenever you look through history at all the horrid things that have happened, you can probably find an Asspie that was responsible for them. The Nazi's were all Asspies. Adolf Hitler was an Asspie (sauce) as can be discerned by his manner of speech where he flailed his arms around. Obersturmbannführer Adolf Eichmann was an asspie; he basically kept track of every single Jew in the Third Reich and German-occupied territories(basically most of Europe) to excruciating detail. Reichsführer-SS Himmler was definitely an Asspie as can be seen by his blank Asspie stare. The Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, Serial Killers Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer were also Asspies. Adam Lanza was an asspie; he mass murdered 20 kids and 7 women at Sandy Hook Elementary School. Joshua Goldberg AKA "moonmetropolis" who wanted to bomb the 9/11 memorial was an Autistic kike. Chris Harper-Mercer was autistic, as he was obsessed with guns.
Asspies are often rapists. An example is the Revenge of the Nerds movie, where the main sperg, who is such a nice guy, rapes that stupid sorority slut in disguise. She then grows a brain and realizes that she should owe him for being a Beta.
Asspies have very good analytical skills, but they can only apply them to dehumanizing military and nonrenewable energy technologies. Asspies built the efficiently-designed concentration camps and gas showers in Nazi Germany. Asspies invented the oil rig (especially the one that exploded near Texas), the oil well, and natural gas factories. They invented the Hummer, the Cadillac Escalade, and the Prius. Logging machines are built with an "autistic mindset".
All the military technologies in the world were invented by Asspies, including the software. The Atomic bomb, which Einstein advocated for and killed millions of civilians, was built using Autistic analysis. Every tank, every gun (ESPECIALLY the AK-47) and every missile was designed by an autistic individual. The forcible cattle slaughter machines were built by asspies (which Temple Grandin also built, she didn't admit it though). Chernobyl and Three Mile Island were products of autistic design. Military submarines and carriers were designed using autistic innovation. So were military computers. The stealth bomber was invented by sneaky asspies. All the military helicopters were designed using autistic math. Agent orange, which killed millions. was designed by autists.
Coal-powered power plants were built using autistic science and engineering. Dangerous mining machines were built by unempathetic autistics. Gas stations that produce excessive fumes were invented by them. All the pollution in the world is because of autism. Actually, if it wasn't for autism, we would have clean air, renewable energy, and would live to the age of 80. There would be no violence whatsoever.
As they are socially retarded, Asspies do not know the proper way to get a girlfriend or boyfriend even though they are very attracted to hawt. Therefore, they will do stupid things that make them look like rapists. Common Ass Burgers Syndrome sufferers often use the following methods.
- Use of stupid pickup lines from the internet
- Retarded frankness: "Wow, we have a lot in common...when do we have sex?"
- Seeing a girl that is hot when on a bathroom break at school and following her into the girls bathroom and then blurting out "I want to kiss you!"
- Masturbating behind a girl in Science Class. Or maybe just to the Igneous rocks. Sicko.
- And, natural successor to the above, Masturbating across the office from a female co-worker
- Talking to a girl in public, and when she smiles it is taken as a request to show up at her house in the middle of the night naked.
- Walking up to a girl and asking her to erotically spank his bottom
- Online stalking and asking for girlfriends repeatedly in chat rooms
- Finding a woman in far worse physical and mental condition than themselves and possessing very low standards and becoming her "caretaker"
- More or less giving up on meaningful human contact and spending all of their money on sex dolls
- Loitering in malls with a sign that says they're looking for a "Boyfriend-Free Girl"
- Not caring if a woman is married or taken and still chasing after her and trying to get her to sit on their lap
- Making weird animal sounds at inappropriate times
Despite their internet addiction, most Asspies are completely unaware of the best way to bypass all these challenges: using a dating website! Those websites allow even the most pathetic losers to develop relationships with women, but most Asspies are so arrogant and set in their ways that they would much rather use the creepy methods above that could get them arrested.
The Legend of Hugbox Island
Surely you are thinking after reading all of this "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?". Or alternatively, "that sounds just like me" (if the latter describes you, you should immediately administer a bullet to your head, if symptoms persist, please ask someone else to administer the bullet for you).
About 2000 years ago, Antarctica was a very nice and warm continent, and millions of people lived there. But in year 1337, an epidemic of Asperger's Syndrome started in Antarctica, and nearly every newborn baby was an asspie.
First, that wasn't a real problem: Because everyone was an asspie, that was called normal. But then one of them invented an electrically powered Hugbox, and almost every inhabitant of Antarctica wanted to have one.
So, they needed huge amounts of electricity to power all the hugboxes.
But there also was a solution for this problem: The inventor of the hugbox also invented a machine which converts the ambient heat into electricity (although this is called impossible by modern physics).
For the asspies, that was the perfect solution: They weren't sensitive to cold weather and they needed the power for the hugboxes. The power generators cooled Antarctica so much that the ground began to freeze, and ice crusts began building up. That was no problem, from now on the asspies simply built their hugboxes and generators on the ice.
But they forgot that the ice rose over the oceans and made the fish inaccessible for them. So, all the asspies didn't get food and died.
Quotes are as follows
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And not only do they insist on having their own made-up, bullshit history, that they failed to own or make up themselves, but rather quilted together from collected bits and bobs created by non-Aspers, Assburglers also have to have their own culture. Even worse, they've ripped off the deaf, who actually have something in common besides being attention whore assholes.
Assplurgian: The Language of the Asspie
When Asspies try to speak, they tend to talk in a way that butchers the English language so hard that it would make text in an NES game look like it was written by Robert Frost.
Language amongst these individuals differs from normal uses of language. To demonstrate these differences, text written in Assplurgian are noted in bold. The italicized text is the translation into common language understood by those living in reality.
- Welcome: If you cannot or do not want to socialize in real life you may find some pleasure in doing it online. Meet people who are similar to you!
- Translation: You're a fucking lazy faggot and you'd rather sit at your computer and wank than try at anything. See: loser
- #asperger is your channel if you are somewhere on the autistic spectrum. The autism spectrum includes autism, Assburger syndrome, and PDD-NOS. One thing we have in common is an impairment in nonverbal communication with neurologically typical ("normal") people that causes social difficulties. People with conditions such as hyperlexia, Tourette syndrome, schizoid personality disorder, social phobia, etc., may join the channel if there is also impairment in nonverbal communication. Loners with an autism-like condition are welcome.
- Translation: People with ass burgers aren't diseased, they're just different. All other losers are welcome to join our club in order to keep numbers up. Damn all for being "normal."
- It is not necessary to have an official diagnosis to join the channel. What counts is that you suspect seriously that you would fit in to the autism spectrum. If so, please feel free to join #asperger to see if you might 'fit in' with us.
- Translation: E-diagnosing 16 year old girls please.
- When you first join the channel, an operator will ask some basic information from you, including how you found out about the channel and whether you are on the autistic spectrum. If you don't have an official diagnosis, we may ask you why you think you are on the spectrum. Don't worry too much about this, though. We do not attempt to make diagnoses on whether or not channel visitors have an autism spectrum disorder. However, we must determine whether it is a likely possibility, in order to protect the channel against obvious imposters and troublemakers.
- Translation: You can come here with an e-diagnosis but we'll probably kick you out anyways because you might be /b/. Dogs and curtains work better anyways you cunts.
- The channel is only for those who are on the autistic spectrum!
- Translation: Okay so what was that before about other social disorders?
- #asperger is not for parents of autistic children and "experts" who wish to exchange experiences and ideas about treatments. If you want to discuss treatments etc. you are requested to do it on #autism or on #prism.
- Translation: We only want kids because we're pedophiles.
Source and further study of Asspies and Assplurgian language in the wild: http://www.inlv.demon.nl/irc.asperger/
People who have (fictionally or otherwise) Asperger's will sometimes refer to themselves as asspies or as a group, the asspie community. While these people may come across as jerks, the actual victims of the disease are halfway-decent, possibly-human, lifeforms minus the social skills who encounter the self-diagnosed attention-whoring victimhood-loving cunts, whose falseness drives their victims into a driveling, uncontrollable rage.
Although autistic culture doesn't have its own language, there is some terminology commonly used by those in autistic culture, such as:
- Asspie: A short-hand way of saying Asperger's. Sometimes it is referred to only those diagnosed with Asperger's, and sometimes it refers to the whole spectrum. Most proponents of autistic culture would prefer not to call Asperger's a "syndrome."
- Autie: A short-hand way of saying an autistic person. Sometimes it is used only to refer to those diagnosed with autism instead of Asperger's, and sometimes it refers to the whole spectrum.
- Cousin: A cousin is someone who is not technically autistic in the clinical use of the word, but is still similar enough to autistic people to be as much a part of autistic culture as someone officially diagnosable with autism. Sometimes these people are similar because they have a similar condition (although a cousin doesn't have to have any psychological conditions) such as schizoid personality disorder, schizotypal personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, or hyperlexia. AC is often used to stand for "autistics and cousins."
- Curebie: A person with the desire to cure autism. These people are usually viewed in a negative light in autistic culture.
- Neurodiversity: A concept of tolerance of people regardless of neurological wiring.
- Neurotypical: Usually abbreviated NT. Refers to a nonautistic person. This is absurd, however, considering that "Aspies" aren't the only ones who aren't "neurotypical", unless these Aspies so self-absorbed as to classify all non-Aspies as NT just to feel moar speshul.
Translation: Like the Atlantis shit, we ripped off some psychology jargon, 'cause we r smart. Plus, we still don't want to bother being liked, don't cure us, because sitting around picking our nose and perseverating on math is fucking normal, asshole!
Should also be noted that those who deal with people who supposedly have this disease (and can't stand them) will refer to the wannabe sick as having AssBurners Syndrome.
Interweb Case Studies
JewishAzns (if there is one community) would be huge: 36,000 members
AspieAzns (times 10) = 360,000 members
AspieJewishAzns = You get the picture.
- An "CNN manager" found out she was an Aspie and was so elated that she wrote an article about it on CNN.com. It is full of lulzy statements like these: Hugs are dispensed infrequently, but if I do hug someone, I resemble Frankenstein's monster, arms extended to control contact. When my dad (who I suspect is an Aspie, too) and I hug, we both have "the approach." We sometimes miss and have to re-approach a couple of times until a brief, awkward hug is achieved. Gb2/hugbox indeed. The link to this page should be posted in the comments to this CNN story until further lulz are achieved.
- The male_dom community on LiveJournal is 100% made up of self-diagnosed 'asspies'. When one poster says her partner has it, about 20 people chime in as having it as well, all self-diagnosed of course and many of them claiming to be autistic as well.
- 1justin is self diagnosed with it, he's just as much of a faggot about it as everyone else, but assumes he is better than the rest. He wound up banned from the aspergers community (which has since mysteriously been deleted and purged) for trying to point out to its members that most of them probably don't have it and that being proud about it is stupid, both of which appropriately apply to him.
- A poll on kuro5hin in which 76% of respondents claim to have some form of Asperger's or autism. Yes. 76%.
- A large number of goons from the SomethingAwful forums claim to have aspergers. From the looks of things, most of them probably do.
- Everyone on FanFiction.Net claims to have Ass Burgers, Lysdexia, and/or ADHD; which begs the question, why are they writing?
- Everyone on DeviantART claims to have Asperger's, which means you can't criticize them or they'll get upset, because they have a perfectly legitimate reason for why no-one should criticize their shit art.
- Kevin Havens has Asperger's (self-diagnosed, of course) among many other problems, spends all of his money on junk food and sexdolls, and lives with his crippled girlfriend. He collects a check for being her "caretaker" as well.
- These poor women think their husbands have asspies - ladies, they're just
assholesnormal healthy men trying to make the best of a life trapped in a marriage with an over-emotional woman (I mean seriously! Not being "torn up inside" because you hear a child crying is not sufficient to form a diagnosis of asperger's syndrome!)
- A Facebook group was created to protect females from being raped by Asspies. They were so butthurt they cried rape to Facebook and the group was deleted just so the Asspies would shut up!
- The Online Petition was invented by asspies, the only ones who seem to think that anyone gives even the slightest fuck about online petitions. So far, members of Asspies Against Freedom have already created 3 petitions to get Encyclopedia Dramatica taken offline. Unfortunately they don't seem to realize that when no one signs their crybaby petition, making another one is as effective at shutting down a privately owned website as sticking your dick in a light socket. Isn't the definition of insanity repeating the same action over and over again and expecting a different outcome?
- MySpace was also invented by an aspie, as evidenced by the constant itemized listing of friends and likes/dislikes.
—Suburban mother, smacking her gum with her lip glossed mouth - Confessing to her priest
Pwnt by Kindergardners: May 2008
In this lulzy videoalso here, an Aspie child named Alex, is totally rejected by his kindergarten class. By a vote of 14 to 2, they decided to kick him out of their class for his idiotic flailing Ass-pie behavior that was pissing them off. His mom then BAWWW'd on national television about "discrimination" while the Aspie mumbled incoherently in her lap, further proving that the children were right and the whiny parents were wrong. Naturally, a lolsuit is being planned. The boy's mother was also a sick fuck and compared the teacher to Islamic terrorists which is wrong because it is a favor to the normal children not to have a shit smearing, masturbating child in the classroom; and Muslims actually kill people which is much worse than any minor teasing or ridicule. Some people need to grow up and stop being fairies.
Angry Letter: August 2013
In this new report, another Aspie child named Max's mother receive an angry anonymous letter from someone who was totally fed up with her son's unusual Ass-pie behavior and decide to boldly put in the letter that she either move or euthanize him. The mother takes offense to the word "euthanize" and goes on to BAWWWWW on national television, CityNews, about the seemly harmless letter while referring her son as a "child". Like the story above, a lolsuit is being planned while conscientious neighbors show their condolence for the boy. Since then, the letter has been re-tweeted as many as 3,600 times on Twitter with many social justice moralfags jumping on the bandwagon for the glory.
Despite myths that there is no treatment for those with autism, the disorder is incredibly easy. Action T4 also exposes the many myths because autism and allows the patients and their caretakers to live happy lives instead of leeching off welfare.
The best thing really for them to do is just keep quiet, until they can actually think before they talk, and think about how others feel. It will solve so many problems they put onto themselves. No one is going to care whether or not you have a setback in your life or that asperger's was at fault. All you're doing is saying that you're retarded.
Contrary to the above, Asspies for Freedom are opposed to any form of treatment (even when it's clearly needed) and spread lies about their so-called condition to that they may appear normal, but at the same time deserve more respect than other people. Ironically by encouraging people to accept them as being fuckwits they encourage the extermination of those with asperger's syndrome more than Action T4.
Simulating Asperger's Syndrome
tDCS (transcranial direct current stimulation)
If you are totally insane, you can put voltage onto your head to be an Aspie for at least 100 minutes. Just power down your totally useless left cerebral hemisphere by putting -9V on it. Then your brain filters nothing anymore, you sense moar information, memorize every fucking shit and behave like a retarded Aspie. Who needs social life if we have the Internet?
Why buy expensive gear if you can use a cheap 9V battery? It doesn't matter if the electricity is uncontrolled and relatively weak.
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Because of their inability to empathize, most Aspies are like psychopaths, treating others as objects. Luckily thanks to low IQs and being all-round fuckwits they are quickly caught and sent to a special place to get the treatment they needed. Bubba has a thing for virgin white ass, so maybe their empathy will catch on as they bleed from the ass.
Autistic (they call it "hate speech" since being politically correct is something they love to do) Asspies can't get along with people, so they end up doing true hate crimes (i.e. talking about things on groups of people at work, at school or at church) and real sex crimes anyway (esp. sexual harassment). There is no way they can't pick up dates.
In 1944, 50 years before the syndrome was officially invented, Dr Hans Asperger himself tried to warn humanity about the evil he had discovered. One of Hans Asperger's first scientific papers on Autism was titled "Autistic Psychopathy in Childhood". Some believe that A-Monsters may be the dark legacy of a Nazi experiment.
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(In)Famous Autistic Criminals
- Case studies on Aspie assholes Including:
- A man who burned his house down with his wife and kid inside it so he could claim the insurance
- An old, fat substitute teacher who used to touch up his female students
- A faggot who enjoyed raping niggers in public toilets
- A Muslim fundamentalist who blew himself up in a public restroom after accidentally locking himself in.
- It has been revealed that Adam Lanza, the Sandy Hook gunman who massacred 20 children in an elementary school, had Asperger's Syndrome. People with Asperger's are very narcissistic and completely lack the ability to feel empathy (much like psychopaths). They are soulesss, calculating, sexually frustrated "nerds" with no attachment to their fellow humans, and are highly prone to angry outbursts called "meltdowns". This creates the perfect recipe for a cold-blooded killing machine. Nothing short of Asperger's Syndrome allows a person to perpetrate such unthinkable acts.
- Elliot Rodger, the guy who went on a massacre in Isla Vista because he couldn't get laid.
For some reason, over ¾ (75% or 80% or whatever) of diagnosed persons in the Autism Spectrum Disorder range are men. About a quarter (that's 20-22-25%) are women, whom stand apart from other girls, ladies and females. They are like men in a woman's body, but aspieutistic boys are like girls. See also: transies, as in transgendered, transsexual and transvestite. Like their male counterparts, they can't get dates and are fawking smart, and she can't have a brain ya know.
How to properly deal with someone who has autism
The best way to deal with some who has assburgers is to kill them with fire, before they manage to reproduce and override the majority population of normal people. Of course there are alternate methods that can be used:
Famous Asburgerers on ED
- Alexander4488 – Also known as Game Dude, the biggest AVGN rip-off and disgrace to video game reviewers and dudes everywhere.
- Anthony 'A-Log' LoGatto
- April Davis
- ButLova – The world's biggest big butt lover of any age. Also has no art talent.
- Chris-chan – No comment.
- Conner Hemming
- cyndilovespiccolo – This girl actually learned something from getting trolled and got over herself.
- David Vincenzetti - L. Ron Hubbard wannabe / Brett Keane clone.
- All Finnish people
- Garrett Simmers – Definitely no comment.
- Jared Milton
- Jeffrey Hyde
- JustinRPG – Pokemon obsessed manchild with many gross fetishes. Says he's married to a Pokemon Reshiram.
- Kevin Havens
- LittleCloud – ED's most wanted, despite 1 out of 90 auties/aspies are female, and (s)he can't make up his/her mind on her sexuality.
- MylarBalloonFan – An asspie obsessed with balloon fetishes and 90's stuff.
- MysteriousMrEnter – Asspie who specializes in overanalyzing children's cartoons.
- MysticArk – Not the Japanese SNES game Mystic Ark.
- Satoshi Tajiri
- Randomlaughingman – A dangerously autistic "female".
- Rockosocko – A fart fetish role playing furry with no art talent.
- The Eclectic Espeon
- SammyClassicSonicFan – An asspie obbessed with Sonic
- Tammi Reynolds
YouYou're not famous.
- Hothead the mare
- Remind them of their disability and cite APA 32.7. They hate being proven wrong.
- Refuse them special treatment. Hilarity ensues.
- Refer them to Wikipedia. All Aspies hate Wikipedia due to the only lulzy article they have (High Functioning Autism)
- Cite them as WP:personal. Anything Wikipedia will result in hilarity.
- IRC Trolling: Guard Lowered in Under 10 Minutes ()
- Tell them that Hitler had assburgers
- Ask them if they really have burgers up their asses.
- Tell them that they are no different to Chris-chan.
- Say anything remotely negative about any subject or topic. Asspies will pretend they are in the group you mocked and fake being offended for attention.
WARNING: This shit is surprisingly easy to do despite them being able to "spot obvious impostors". Just make up something that sounds plausible and go for it. They also turn on each other pretty quickly:
[23:57] --> You have joined the channel #asperger ([email protected]). [23:57] *** The channel topic is "Channel ONLY for people with Autism, Asperger's or a related condition. Homepage: http://asperger.inlv.org". [23:57] *** The topic was set by Gareethafk on 10/20/11 11:36 AM. [23:57] *** Channel modes: private, topic protection, no messages from outside [23:57] *** This channel was created on 05/09/04 06:12 AM. [23:57] <CharlesR> hi MrAsperger are you new here? [23:57] <MrAsperger> yes i just found the site [23:58] <CharlesR> please introduce yourself [23:58] * CharlesR is a 60 yr old unemployed radio broadcast engineer and old style pre-computer radio nerd near Youngstown, Ohio, USA, diagnosed Asperger syndrome, never married, living alone with dog, Jenny [23:58] * phyre pounces on gandalf [23:59] <phyre> What are you doing up? [23:59] <MrAsperger> well, i'm a 28-year-old freelance computer programmer from Los Angeles, not yet diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but self-suspected, and single but living alone [23:59] <MrAsperger> that about sums me up [00:00] <torako> single BUT living alone? "living alone" does not contradict "single [00:00] <torako> : [00:00] <torako> *" [00:00] <MrAsperger> i'm shy and nervous around new people [00:00] <MrAsperger> if i make stupid mistakes, i'm sorry [00:00] <MrAsperger> i get flustered easily [00:00] <CharlesR> thanks and welcome MrAsperger [00:00] <MrAsperger> thank you [00:01] <torako> are you hans asperger? [00:01] <Gareethafk> He's dead. [00:01] <MrAsperger> then it would be kind of difficult [00:01] <torako> are you related to hans asperger? [00:01] <Gareethafk> And would be considerably older than 28 [00:01] <phyre> Oh, we all make stupid mistakes. Some of us just enjoy being nitpicky, myself included. :P [00:01] <MrAsperger> I understand, phyre [00:01] <Gareethafk> Don't let torako fluster you [00:01] <torako> i'm not fluster-ing [00:02] <phyre> That hyphen isn't necessary. [00:02] <MrAsperger> and no, i'm not related to him [00:02] <torako> MrAsperger: then what's up with your nick? [00:02] <phyre> He just likes it. Sheesh. [00:02] <MrAsperger> pretty much [00:02] <torako> but he's not mr. asperger [00:02] <MrAsperger> i'm a male [00:02] <phyre> You're not an actual tiger cub, so what's up with yours, torako? [00:02] <torako> torako is a name [00:02] <MrAsperger> phyre has a point [00:03] <torako> and tora was my nickname in junior high [00:03] <torako> that's why [00:03] <phyre> I'm not an actual misspelled chemical reaction. [00:03] <torako> yes you are [00:03] <MrAsperger> mrs.oxygen would love that one [00:03] <dfy> since when is it appropriate to quiz people about the origin of nicks [00:03] <phyre> Oh crap, my secret is out! [00:03] <torako> dfy: since your face [00:03] <phyre> Since when is half of what you say appropriate either, dude? [00:03] * Gareethafk is an adult with autism who lives in BC, Canada with her dog, cat and assorted fish and her lovely computer. [00:03] <T`Ver> good night everyone [00:03] <phyre> Good night. [00:03] <MrAsperger> good night [00:03] * Gareethafk faints from the on topic comment by dfy [00:04] <phyre> Heh. [00:04] <torako> haha [00:04] <-- T`Ver has left this server. [00:05] <CharlesR> torako, not tora tora tora? [00:05] <torako> CharlesR: no... [00:05] <MrAsperger> tora tora bora bora? [00:05] <phyre> I think that movie is older than her. [00:05] <torako> i like tigers, what's why that was my nickname [00:05] <phyre> Plus it's annoying to say. [00:06] <CharlesR> i mean the origin oif the movies name [00:06] <phyre> Annnd I have no idea what that is. [00:06] <torako> and it's better than the username i was using for stuff before [00:06] --> Gerrit has joined this channel ([email protected]). [00:06] *** CStar gives channel operator privileges to Gerrit. [00:06] <phyre> Your Neopets nick? [00:06] <torako> yeah [00:06] <phyre> Yeah, that's pretty lame. [00:06] <torako> it's really derpy XD [00:06] <torako> i was a little kid okay?? [00:06] <CharlesR> the report from the first japanese pilot who bombed pearl harbor [00:07] <Gerrit> Good morning. [00:07] <CharlesR> it was code for "full surpiise achieved" [00:07] <torako> CharlesR: he said "tiger tiger tiger"? i fail to see how that's relevant [00:07] <CharlesR> codes often are not relevant [00:08] <phyre> Which is kind of the point. [00:08] <torako> also wait you're calling me a WWII bomber? wtf? [00:08] <torako> dude fuck you too [00:08] <MrAsperger> 8===================================================D [00:08] <MrAsperger> LOL DONG DONG DONG DONG DONG DONG DONG DONG DONG DONG [00:08] <MrAsperger> COCKS COCKS COCKS COCKS COCKS COCKS COCKS COCKS COCKS [00:08] <CharlesR> you know better than that torako [00:08] <MrAsperger> 8===================================================D [00:08] <torako> hm a troll? [00:08] <phyre> what an original troll [00:08] <CharlesR> MrAsperger?
- Action T4
- Aspies for Freedom
- Autism macros
- Charles Ziese
- EVE Online
- Elevator Filming
- Fedora - What Asspies tend to wear
- Fedora - Lunix for Asspies.
- Love Shy
- The R Word
- Sandy Hook
- Monica Punk
- The Transit Coalition
- TV Tropes
- YouTube Thomas Club
- Autism Abuse.
- Read it and weep: The truth about Asperger's Syndrome
- ZAC Browser: The games aspies' moms make them play
- Asspie dating
- A typical Asspie (Zefri the Angel Boy!!!!11)
- Asspie trollficcer doing it so very wrong. Or are they?!
- lol asspie congregation (exception to the power in numbers rule here)
- Aspies for Freedom
- The official I have Autism button. BUY BUY BUY
- Daily Mail explains why autistic children need to be aborted (screencap here).
- A good article disproving that Bill Gates, Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson had autism
- In his natural habitat
- The biggest aspie you'll ever encounter very lulzy, indeed
|Asperger's Syndrome is part of a series on Aspies.|
| Asperger's Syndrome is part of a series on Dying Alone
Asperger's Syndrome is part of a series on ED5 Pollfest Top 16.
|Featured article April 11, 2005|
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|Featured article November 16, 2005|
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Anna 4 avril
|Featured article January 14th and 15th, 2012|
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