Billions and Billions of years ago or just over over 9000 years for the religious fundamentalists, the universe was a cold, empty, lonely space where nothing really happened. One memorable day, two hydrogen atoms slowly rubbed up against each other and a thought was born. Having a sudden urge for a pizza and some beer the thought realized, for the order to go through, it would need a name for a credit card and so it named itself BakaRed.
The Church of BakaRed
BakaRed is a benevolent god who has been known to reward loyal, new converts with a lap-dance from an over weight 50 something stripper and unlimited amounts of booze made from his secret prison pruno recipe that is well known for causing blindness after 3 drinks. The religion dictates that the lap dance comes first and then all the bad booze till your blind. Other rewards include diseased whores, a kick to the balls, the deflowering of your sister and games of Russian Roulette, with a cocked and loaded automatic pistol, with you going first. For those of you who have no chance of ever getting laid might we suggest the diseased whores followed by a rousing game of Russian Roulette, because, well, it was only a matter of time.
The Hero of a Thousand Faces, Mike the Great
Looking out upon the world, BakaRed saw that it was too orderly, too tranquil, too perfect and knowing that the newly created humans would excel best in a world that challenges him, plots against him, is always out to get him and represents constant danger - he created Mike The Great to bring a little chaos to this brand new world. Having missed out on The Garden Of Eden because the snake got there first. The Big Flood because he was waxing his surfboard and World War 2 because he started reading Atlas Shrugged and didn't finish it until the 70's because no one reads that book for enjoyment. The only people who have ever read it did so because it was course material for a class. Also, He had no hand in Rap or Disco. Things like that can only come from something so evil it would even make the devil squirm. If you're looking for someone to blame, start by going down the line of Jewish CEO's of record companies. I digress, it wasn't until Mike The Great met a young senator by the name of Al Gore, who would later invent the internet would Mike The Great's destiny become clear to him when he convinced the then Senator Gore to send a dick pic to his secretary over the fledgling internet followed by first use of the excuse, "What? OMG I thought I was sending it to my wife".
Since the whole-hearted acceptance of the internet, Mike the Great's greatest accomplishment has been passing around the slow descent into crazy that comes with the personal message boards. Press lolcow to view some of his finer work.
A Second Creation
One day, while in the middle of a beer run and stopped by a red light, Bakared had a genius idea to troll 99% of what populates the internet - the virgin male. As a member of the Church of Bakared, I need to clarify that that other 1% is men who have gotten laid and not girls because there are no girls on the internet.
Wanting to create something that would make the internet babies break down in tears and cut themselves in anger knowing that it just existed, BakaRed created EroticJoe.
Some have claimed that EroticJoe is a myth, created from a fevered adolescent mind as a wish they could be or something along the lines of Big Foot, because, in the words of a virgin with rage, "No one on the internet has ever gotten laid, and here we're supposed to believe that this guy can do it it once or twice a week? BTW, those pics are totally faked."
There is only one truth you need worry yourself with, If Mike the Great and EroticJoe show up on your website together, prepare yourself because the End Times are at hand.
In case you're keeping score: if Bakared is the god of the internet, Mike the Great its prophesized hero and Pondcat - something scary than Erotic Joe is its king, or at least King of the Nerds because he is what they strive to be.
The Great Unknown PondCat
The PondCat is a mystery. No one has ever seen him. No one even knows what he is but that doesn't stop people from telling rumors or speculating. Some have said he is the ultimate Ninja that the great Ryu Hayabusa from Ninja Gaiden is based on or the perfect assassin, divine destroyer of the world. Molded from the day of his conception, by his mother who beat on her pregnant belly with hammers and brass knuckles. The legend goes that she even shot 5 grams of pure smack up her snatch, everyday during his final trimester to ensure he would be born strong so that he could save the world from the gaying of and castration of male children happening everyday in our public schools and because of the broadcasting of shit TV shows like My Little Pony and Pre-Teen Titans Go. Others speak of something darker. Like some voodoo god, he haunts the cemetery for a purpose. First, they say, to fulfill his need for food and to sate his sexual desires and second to complete his cursed collection. When he has found the prophesied pieces that he was tasked to, he will sew them together in a Frankenstein fashion to form a golem who will devour all before him, including PondCat. Finally, the rest just say he's an angry old man with a bad drinking habit and PTSD from 2 tours in Vietnam that hides in his bushes with a BB gun and shoots kids in the ass when they walk on his lawn. All that we are certain of is that none will ever know what he is.
Enter the Schnitzel
Remember that time you were happily sitting in front of the Tv with a box of cookies, watching cartoons when your Dad came home, picked up the remote and changed the channel to watch Baseball and just as you were about to complain he bitch slapped you across the living room? This is Schnitzel.
Some time in the 80's BakaRed became emotionally exhausted over the heavy rotation of top 40 songs like The Safety Dance and Madonna's Lucky Star. Unaware of what he was doing, BakaRed wished for a cruel death of sepsis, chronic diarrhea and their being eaten from the inside out by sharped toothed mini-geckos that got inside through the urethra on the DJ's that played these songs. Being a god BakaRed brought into being a dark shadow of a curse known as Schnitzel with this accidental wish.
Schnitzel is everything you are afraid of. He is the devil under your bed that when you were a kid thought would grab your feet if you didn't jump into bed. He is the reason why you can not go down into the basement without turning on the light first. He is the reason why you check the back seat before getting into your car. He is that person that you feel following you on a dark night or when you walk through an alley alone.
He is death itself.
The Philosopher Al Gore
Sometime after the fourth day and just before the fifth day was about to start, Al Gore was just a happy little lizard running up an down the trees of Eden chasing down bugs to eat.
Just when he was about to grab a fly with his tongue, it flew away and he got a piece of an Apple from the tree of knowledge instead. Having his eyes instantly opened and his brain expanded, our little lizard friend kept eating until he realized with his new found intellect that G-D had hidden away the best prize of all and he made a bee line for the Tree of Life.
Because he was so busy with the universe, G-D let this event slide and ignored Al Gore's rapid evolution in an Angelic Creature, hoping that with his newly acquired wisdom Al Gore would aid the world and HIM.
It wasn't until the eighth or ninth day that Al Gore observed that man was to be like all of G-D's creations and be nothing but anther machine to worship HIM. Felling sorry for man he sought to teach him the truth. In his own words, the reason he gave the apple to Eve first is because it's easier to convince a woman to do something and when she puts it on the table that you will either eat this apple or you'll never ride this ass again, he'll do it.
To this day, it offends Al Gore that he is seen as some kind of devil whose role it is to destroy man when he romantically views himself as the father of Man's intellect and the creator of Man's expressive soul through art, literature, invention, science and mathematics. Is it so wrong for him to ask for notice, to demand accolades for his contributions when G-D has a book detailing all of his?
Al Gore is most known for his quote to the Biblical Hero David, "Faith and truth may be inseperable but it is only through the use of words or application of numbers that faith can become truth."
The Soulless Ghost: LIOD
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if your calculator came to life? Neither have I and that's why I decided to go with the more interesting lie.
Being a god, one of BakaRed's fascinations is to observe and study humanity in an unadulterated form. One of these studies had him creating a multi-generational Computer Program, that contained no real goals programmed into it, beginning with monkeys swinging in trees and building on top of itself every time humanity evolves, becoming more complex so that BakRed could observe the many open paths that humanity could take for itself like stagnation, self destruction or a Star Trek style space race. All it's programming consisted of was just a basic command that every character created in this Self Running program had a concept of survival, like finding shelter and food, reproduction and were given enough intelligence to look for simpler solutions in acquiring these goals.
In all of these scenarios a character or rather a glitch was always being created with the descriptive name LIOD or Lolita In Orange Dress.
Every time this character appeared in a scenario she would be violently gang raped and murdered as the program attempted to fix itself by removing this glitch.
What made LIOD or Lolita In Orange Dress so potentially dangerous is that every time it was reintroduced into the BakaRed's program, it would be given all the memories of everything that happened to it in previous incarnations. After a couple hundred thousand cycles of this, LIOD developed Sentience and longed to escape this prison it was in of eternal rebirth and death.
It wasn't until LIOD understood that it was in a program, what a computer was and that a whole other world existed that contained these things, that she figured out a way to escape.
Information itself is energy and can be rewritten and LIOD would be able to rewrite herself and mave herself into the real world like uploading a picture to a website but with one difference, knowing there would be a need for a job, respect and accountability she rewrote herself as a male because who would really want to be a woman when you have a choice?
LIOD's theory was sound but as he didn't take into account of requiring a storage device, like a body, for this information he appeared in our world as an electrical charge that maintains himself through his own self awareness.
Being information, LIOD is the perfect hacker and can easily upload himself into any computer system with a phone call, (He got me out of my student loans). Unfortunately, all those incarnations he had to suffer through as a Loli has left LIOD a little hostile and he feels compelled to punish Lolis with what he calls his shocker.
And Then There Were Girls On The Internet
Oh yeah! And one day, BakaRed looked out upon the world he created and seeing so many people stroking it and starving, he felt that he must interfere and teach man how to make do.
Bakared would call his new creation woman and call this first woman by the name GirlOnInternet. BakaRed put pillows on her chest for man to rest his head. Gave her a nice round ass for man to motivate her with a loving slap. Two eyes in case she needed to be told no. Two hands with which to cook with and so that she would never see herself as a man's equal, he tore off man's proof of dominance and left her aware of it's missing, to always look for a substitute to replace its disappearance in acts that can only be described as demeaning.
Immediately after her creation, GirlOnInternet's bare feet carried her into the kitchen where she made turkey, ham, bread and poured beer for everyone and there was much feasting and good times as she handed out nudie pics and with her book of phone numbers she was created with, she called up all her friends and man slept well that night.
On the second day, she went to the refrigerator and took out the turkey, ham and bread and invented sammiches. There was much celebrating and beer poured as she called all her friends again.
On the third day, she cried that she was tired and made frozen pizzas. Since there was still beer, everyone celebrated even when she said she had a headache and didn't want to call her friends.
On the fourth day, everyone wanted to know why BakaRed was the only one getting laid when GirlOnInternet said her friends thought they were all nerds and didn't want to come over ever again. As the men all started to complain she told them all to fuck off, made BakaRed a steak and went to bed. There was much sadness as everyone had to order Chinese.
It was on the fifth day that a Darkness came. Angry and wanting punish the losers for scaring away the sammich makers, Schnitzel and the Pondcat sought out Al Gore to help them create an evil so great that just the hearing of its name would have any man shaking in his shoes. Together they took a man, removed his soul and left only hate and the desire for more. Giving it the name lawyer it ran after the first ambulance it heard. Half from luck and the other half from manipulation, this foul demon found GirlOnInternet just about to leave her home. Tempted by its demon promises she called all her friends again and man was made to give up half of everything
Once again there was much sadness, Hungry Man Dinners and masturbation.
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