Imagine the following scenario: you wake up one morning, waddle your fat ass over to the bathroom, take a good look at you disgustingly fugly excuse for a face, and start your morning routine to try and make yourself less of a blemish to human vision (only possible in this mental experiment of course, irl you are a pig and will forever remain a pig). You wash the cesspit that is your mouth, clean your face of 9001 pimples that have sprouted from the greasy secretions oozing from your skin, and finally decide to tackle that flea den on the top of your head.
You pull and comb that abomination into something presentable when suddenly you realise that a whole lot of your hair is stuck to the comb, and there's a nice big bald spot on that melon of yours, you start to scream as you realize - you are going bald!
What is Baldness
Bald is a state of hairlessness that happens when a person's hair falls or is removed. It can manifest its fun in many different forms. Usually it starts from above your temples and moves backwards, but can also start from that hairy twirling hurricane on the top of your head and move outwards. Sometimes, both occur simultaneously.
Why is it bad
Losing hair and going bald is often correlated with being a loser or worse. Though we as a species have long since stopped resembling hairy troglodytic primates, we still preserved patches of primal keratin on our bodies, and the most prominent one is the one on our scalps.
Hair has almost universally held a great appeal as a sign of health and youth, so losing it must mean that something is very wrong with you.
You could have cancer, rampaging hormones that are a prelude to cancer, or have such a malignant personality that your hairs start committing suicide rather than to stay on your head.
What causes it
Despite being able to send a man to the moon, erect buildings almost a kilometer high and contrive over 500 new genders, our species still grapples with the baldness issue.
There are many theories as to why baldness occurs. Some say that it is simply the result side effect of a person's fail, others that it's due to genetics.
The wide spreadedness of this phenomenon has led some to believe that more sinister forces are at work. Several respected intellectuals have proposed that anything from vaccines filled with lead, to our gay chemical-addled drinking water to Satan is to blame for this.
Whatever the case may be, one thing is clear: you will go bald eventually.
What can I do?
There are many valid options available to tackle this plague of un-hair and your loving ED is more than willing to provide some solutions for you to choose from:
- Kill yourself - A tried and true method to any ill, you can't be bald if you are dead!
- Hide it under a toupe - Though you will be wearing other people's dead hair in place of your own, you will be able to choose any number of stylish replacements for your barren head.
- Bonus points as it is approved by our glorious god-emperor!
- Hair Transplantation - Thanks to the miracle of modern medicine, it is now possible to remove hairs from your ass or dick, and jab them into your scalp - glorious science!
- Hair ¨regenerators¨ - These noxious chemicals can be applied to your head in an effort to at least halt the dying of your sad little follicles. It never works, but is a nice tax for balding and can cause lulzy birth defects if pregnant women are exposed to it.
- Procure a healthy scalp and wear it as your own - Hey, when your hair is on the line (lol) nothing is forbidden, just do as the injuns did and scalp some motherfucker. Just make sure that he is not balding too.
- Drink a lot - Hey, if it can put heir on your chest, maybe it will grow on your head too.
- Become a skinhead, a neo-nazi or a buddhist monk - If you are insecure enough about baldness, maybe you'll make the cut for these pussies as well.
- Accept it - Stop being a cunting pussybitch who thinks that a bunch of keratin on your head means shit to anyone and man the fuck up.
Did you know...
- That 7/10 men will start balding before reaching their fifties?
- That a bald head is a good substitute for an Earth globe (some drawing required)?
- That a bald head makes a great mega-penis with which to satisfy the ladies?
- That being bald makes you eligible for Starfleet command?
- That clapping a baldie on the head brings good luck (make sure to clap every baldie you ever meet and see how lucky you'll get!)?
- The God Emperor
- Jean Luc Picard
- The Pope
- Vladimir Putin
- Vladimir Lenin
- Winston Churchill
- Chan, Chris-
- Penny Arcade
- Smith, Oliver D.
- Spears, Britney
- Stewart, Patrick
- Yiannopulos, Milo