Heavily salted snack treats and no exercise had finally caught
up with Homer Simpson. He was found dead at his workstation with
his face in a box of donuts. To avoid an investigation (and possible
plant inspection) Mr. Burns paid off the newly widowed Marge to keep
things quit. With that and Homer's life insurance settlement the
family was now well off.
Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie arrived home from the funeral along
with Marge's sisters Patty and Selma. The women all wore black
dresses and white gloves, while Bart wore a white shirt with a black
jacket, tie and shorts. Patty and Selma had been giving Bart creepy
looks throughout the funeral. In itself that wasn't unusual, but
Lisa was giving him the same treatment as if the three were sharing
a secret. Bart and Lisa usually shared a bond of common disgust
whenever their aunts were around, but this wasn't one of those
times. Furthermore, Bart kept catching her mother looking away and
muttering whenever he turned her way. Something was on her mind
besides the death of her husband.
Maggie was, as always, Maggie.
Now that they were home, Bart had hoped that things would return
to normal, but it was not to be.
"Bart," Marge said, "there's something important we have to talk
about. Um, now that your father's gone, umm..."
"Yeah, I know," Bart dismissed her with a wave, "man of the
house, yada yada yada."
"Actually," Selma said, "it's more the opposite." Patty and Selma
started to laugh, with Lisa joining in.
"HMMMMMMMM!" Marge muttered them into silence. "Bart, I'm all
alone now, and you know you can be quite a handful at times...
ummm... there's no gentle way to put this..."
"Marge," Patty said, "I think this is one of those times when
actions speak louder than words."
"Hmmmm, I guess you're right. Lisa, it's time for you to bring
Maggie upstairs. Bart, Patty, Selma, come with me to the kitchen."
"Come on, Maggie. We can play dress-up with my Malibu Stacy.
Maybe Bart will want to join us later?" Lisa gave Bart a sly look.
"Pftt! In your dreams, freakazoid." Bart had had just about
enough of Lisa's secretive behavior.
Once in the kitchen Bart started to ask, "So what's this all a...
HNNG!" Without warning Patty and Selma snatched up Bart and sat him
on the table. "Hey, what gives? WHOA!" Selma pulled Bart's shoulders
down to the table and held him while Patty pulled off his shorts and
underwear. Bart was mortified at having his genitals exposed in front
of his aunts. "This is sick! Mom, make'em stop!"
Marge had pulled off her white gloves and was putting on her blue
rubber gloves from the sink. "I'm really sorry it has to be this
way," Marge said. "This won't hurt as much if you just stay still and
let me do my work." Marge picked up a large pincher-like device.
"Wha-wha-WHAT won't hurt? What the hell is THAT thing?!"
This is called a Burdizzo Clamp, Bart. Patty and Selma used to
use it when they spent their summers on the farm, and now they've
taught me how to use it."
"Oh, yeah," Patty said. "We were quite a team."
"Hmm, yeah," Selma added. "You took the left, I took the right.
And what a sweet sound it made." Both sisters smiled at the memory.
"What left? What right? What are you talking about?" Bart was
starting to get desperate.
"Honey," Marge said, "this is a castrator."
"WAAAAAAAAAA!" Bart screamed as Patty and Selma held him on
either side with his legs spread. Marge approached with the tool and
took Bart's left testicle in her glove and pulled it out as she lined
up the clamp.
"OK, OK, you're just trying to scare me. Mission accomplished.
You can let me up now." Marge finished lining up the clamp and was
ready to close the handles, oblivious to Bart's words. "I know you
can't really be doing this," Bart continued. "After all, you know
what happens to people who have been... who have been..." Bart
couldn't bring himself to say the word.
"Now, Bart," Marge admonished, "You should know that anyone who
teases you because you've been castrated isn't your friend." With
that, Marge firmly closed the handles of the Burdizzo. The clamp made
a sound somewhere between a crunch and a squish as it crushed the
cord to Bart's left testicle. Bart screamed in pain while Patty and
Selma moaned with pleasure to the Burdizzo's music. Bart's left
testicle swelled up and glowed red as it throbbed with a drum sound.
Bart stopped screaming and looked at his aching nut and then at
Marge, who was counting to herself. "... seven, eight, nine," Marge
was counting the throbs of Bart's pulsating testicle. "TEN!" Marge
released the clamp, and before everyone's eyes the swollen testicle,
along with the left half of the scrotum, made a sound like a
deflating balloon and shriveled up like a raisin. Bart screamed in
horror while Marge smiled with satisfaction. "Wow, just like you said
it would," Marge told her sisters. "OK, Bart, one more and it's all
over." Patty and Selma chuckled at this and after a moment Marge
realized what she said and chuckled herself.
Marge had Bart's last remaining testicle in her glove and was
pulling it out and lining up the Burdizzo. Bart was truly in dire
straits and made one last plea. "Mom, I promise, I SWEAR that I'll be
good, I'll do everything you say, I'll be the perfect son!"
"THAT'S the spirit, Bart," Marge exclaimed. "There, you see? This
is working already!" With a big smile Marge closed the Burdizzo Clamp
one last time, crushing the right testicle cord and sealing Bart's
fate. Bart's face froze in a mask of horror, the faint squeak
emanating from his mouth drowned out by the steady throbbing of his
dying testicle. After the tenth pulse Marge released the clamp and
the testicle shriveled and expired like its brother. Patty and Selma
let Bart go and each lit up a cigarette, moaning and glowing from the
experience. Bart sat up and looked at his useless, shriveled-up
balls, still in shock at what was just done to him. Just then the tip
of Bart's penis started to vibrate.
"Patty, Selma," Marge called out. "Come see this." As they all
watched, the shaft of Bart's penis started getting shorter and
shorter with the sound of a cork being forced into a bottle, until
finally Bart's penis pulled into his body like a turtle pulling its
head into its shell.
"Hmmph!" Selma said. "You better get used to peeing sitting down."
"Yeah," Patty added. "And it looks like you won't be writing your
name in the snow... EITHER." Patty and Selma both laughed at this.
Finally Bart spoke. "This can't be happening, this..." Bart
suddenly clutched his throat. "My voice, what happened to my voice.
It isn't higher, it's just different. It's, it's..."
"It's a girl's voice!" Marge exclaimed. "It's not harsh anymore,
it's sweet like a girl's!" Marge was beaming with pride. This was
working out better than she ever expected.
"Ohhh, his is all too much," Bart said. "I'm really sore between
the legs, I don't even want to put on my shorts."
"I know," Marge said. "So I took the liberty of burning all of
your pants and shorts along with Homer's old clothes." As if to
illustrate, Marge picked up Bart's black shorts, put a lit match to
them and tossed them in the air. The synthetic material quickly burst
into flames and just as quickly burned out, leaving shorts-shaped ash
hanging in the air which dissipated from the bottom to the top,
leaving the zipper hanging in the air for only a moment before
clattering to the floor.
"I think you'll be more comfortable in this." Marge got a black
garment and slipped it on Bart.
"A SKIRT! You expect me to wear a skirt?!" Bart jumped off the
table and ran to another room to look at himself in a full length
mirror. The straight black skirt fit smooth without a bulge or even a
shadow at his crotch. Bart was stunned to realize that the skirt
turned his boy's outfit into a girl's. In fact, he couldn't think of
anything he could wear with a skirt that would not say GIRL.
"It's that or nothing," Marge said, entering the room with Patty
and Selma. "I'm sure you don't want to walk around naked while we go
"For SKIRTS! I'm going to buy you a whole wardrobe of skirts. In
fact, you're going to wear nothing but skirts from now on."
Selma said "I think he'd look adorable in a little cheerleader
outfit with a two-tone pleated skirt..."
"And shiny white go-go boots right to the knee," Patty added.
"Oooooh!" Marge was intrigued. "Would that be with laces or
"Get both!" Patty said. "We'll spring for them."
"Why don't you come with us!" Marge said. "We'll make a day of
it. We'll go to every store in Springfield and Bart will be our
little fashion model! What do you say to that, Bart?"
"Uuuuuuuung!" Bart fainted and fell to the floor.