Baseball

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This is how you play baseball.
This gets you bonus points in baseball.

Regarded as the cure for insomnia, baseball is a sport at least 100 years old that involves fun things to do with bats and white balls. You can swing a bat. You can hit a ball. You can catch a ball. You can throw a ball. You can watch people catch, throw, and hit balls. It is an incredibly exciting game, lasting for on average three hours of your life that will never come back. The game would actually go faster if the players didn't provide extra talent at no cost, such as scratching themselves, juicing up, and spitting a load of shit on the field. And the teams do this over 150 times each year, just in case the first ten games were wayyy too exciting for the common viewer.

There's baseball all around the world, but it's most popular in Japan and the U.S.A...U.S.A., with other major constituents in the Caribbean. This article will focus mainly on American baseball since waps do very few things well and their sport is just too boring (not enough McGwire's and Barroids, amirite?).

Early Years

Baseballs origins go way back to ancient Egypt, but who cares about what they did. Officially, it was invented by Abner Doubleday, and the first professional ball club formed twenty years later in 1869, called the Cincinnati Reds. For a while, there was nothing. Some teams would come and go, players would hit balls and kill other players, fans would sit in coliseums and watch the players as they battled lions, tigers, cubs, pirates, Indians, slews of birds, beaneaters, and various trolls dressed in different colored socks. All of this was for the president, who would sit in the stands and determine which players fight which. When a player was subdued, the loser "struck out" after a baseball bat to the noggin. Much disorder was witnessed, and many brave ballplayers sacrificed their very beings battling epically in these death matches that would make a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode look more pathetic than what it actually is.

The chaos ended in 1901, when the American League formed alongside the National League. Some teams were destroyed, some where kept, others were created. One such created team was in Pittsburgh, where they literally stole a few key players from other teams and named themselves the Pirates (srsly, look it up). They happened to win baseball's first championship. They were also in the first World Series played two years later when Bahhhstin beat them 5-3 (and without relying on a senator too!).

For a while, all was good in the world. All the teams were pretty even money wise and had opportunities each year to be good or bad. Only one player died on the field, Ray Chapman, being the last player to die due to a pitch to the head in 1920 (instead of a bat, so he didn't truly strike out). But I digress. There was the Blacksox (cheating in Chicago? New to me!) of 1919, in which players bet against themselves to get more money. Then there was the 1927 Yankees and star pitcher turned batter Babe Ruth, who hit the most home runs ever before Hank Aaron would take over that spot in 1973, having never hit more than 45 home runs in a single season. In the 1930's and 1940's, there wasn't a lot going on. Lou Gehrig got a fag disease named after him, and a lot of players participated in WWII, making baseball less fun and more victory gardens.


Later Years

Doc Ellis and LSD ftw.

The 1950's saw another Ruthian-like player in Mickey Mantle. Though he never officially took roids, look at a picture of him and say with a straight face the workout equipment during those times would've given him arm muscles the size of cows. Of cows. In this decade, the Yanks, NY Giants, and Dodgers (then in Brooklyn) were good. Everyone else sucked.

Nobody really cares what happened in the 60's and 70's, so we'll skip that.

The 1980's saw a resurgence in baseball. Baby-boomers followed low-tool players like Cal Ripken, who everyone is apparently homosexual for, Jose Canseco, and Mark McGwire. Oh, also a young, scrappy, 185 lb outfielder named Barry Bonds, who hit about 20 home runs per season. Enter the roid era, the greedy players era, the sexy Expos era, the God that stadium is ugly like Brian Peppers era, and the everyone's uniforms look like a blind person tried to paint a Manet era. However, it was this decade which saved baseball from a quick and sudden death because, as stated earlier, no one cares what happened in the 60's and 70's. Though one pitcher did pitch a perfect game on weed acid (see pic).

The 1990's saw then-crappy teams turn good. Indians, Braves, Blue Jays started to win. And all was well with the world. But, dark clouds were looming overhead. Cue dramatic music plz.

2009 showed the world the return of the Yankees back to relevance after 10 years of losing which only goes to show $208,097,414 can buy you a Gold Trophy.

2004: MLB Kills Expos

The Montreal Expos was perhaps the greatest baseball team ever made, which would rival its English-speaking neighbors the Toronto Blue Jays. It had stars such as Tim Wallach, Tim Rains, Tim Burke, Tim Foli, Larry Walker (not a Tim ironically), and Pedro Martinez. In all seriousness, they averaged about two million fans per year in the 1980's, ranking them in the top five overall. But 1994 saw a player's strike where all of them became butthurt over the fact that they were being paid a few million bucks and not a few more million bucks each fucking year. So, baseball cut the season short, then decided it didn't like Canadians and killed the Expos' cash flow. They were forced to get rid of a lot of their players for crap. Crowds started to dwindle, owners were hired who would rather masturbate to a mountee fucking a duck than run a team, and baseball continuously blamed the Spos for all their problems. So, in 2003, baseball (illegally) bought the team from the then-illegal owner Jeff Loria, made them play in Puerto Rico and refused them to make any call-ups that year, despite the team being in first place as late as August. Baseball then moved the Expos to Washington and branded them with the gayest name in professional sports: the Nationals. It's the third time Washington's had a team, and still no one cares.

Roid Era

The late 1990's saw bovine men like Sammy "Stick-me" Sosa, Jason "tree stump legs" Giambi, Mark "Juicy" McGwire, and Barry "Barroid" Bonds hit an unusual amount of home runs each season. Prior to the 1990's, the home run record for a season was set by Roger Maris in 1962. That record would be broken almost ten times between 1998 and 2005. Many question as to how these players got their power "suddenly". McGwire and Bonds at that time averaged about 35 home runs a season. Sosa a little less. Giambi always sucked, but he was caught early on. Below should clear up any arguments as to any of these players using roids. Clearly, they did not.

Gallery of Roids About missing Pics
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No caption needed.

Nope, no roids there. As a matter of fact, baseball did an "investigation" lead by congress, specifically a US Senator named George Mitchell, who also owned the Red Sox. A few years passed, and allegations flew back and forth. Towards the end of the 2007 season, when his beloved Red Sox were on the verge of losing a game seven to the Cleveland Indians, Mitchell in his ever-classy way released that the Indians' Starter Paul Byrd had been "illegally" taking HGH. About twenty-four hours later, when the Red Sox won, it was proven Byrd did in fact have permission by MLB to take the drugs. Mitchell then went on to say Matt Holiday, star Left Fielder of the World Series team Colorado Rockies also took HGH, but this was dropped because Mitchell didn't want to look too much like an ass.

The roid investigation was released in December 2007 as the Mitchell Report (cause Mitchell did everything in it, MMKAY?). The report, which was basically one huge TL;DR, named stars everyone knows about such as FP Santangelo, Randy Velarde, and Marvin Bernard. And the Red Sox were basically the only team *not* to have a current player listed in the report. It seems as though players like David Ortiz just woke up one day and had muscles...must be something in the water. Roger Clemens was also named in the report, as was Jason Giambi, but in Clemen's report, so the papers read, he took roids when he pitched in Toronto, went off them when he moved back to Boston, then went on them again when he signed to New York. But so far, there's been no retribution for this faggotry.

Gallery of Baseball

Don't go to the ballgame About missing Pics
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See Also

Slurp!

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