Batman

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The Goddamn Batman is the bat-themed superhero created by DC comics in the late 30s and early 40s. Batman wasn't exactly original or ground breaking, and certainly wasn't the first comic book character of his kind. You can tell because by the time Batman's creator got into the business, all the other good furry-themed superhero animals were obviously taken. However, Batman is said to be among the first complex comic book characters, as he is constantly dealing with his own personal demons, such as the loss of his parents, and his closet homosexuality.


Contents

Supporting characters

The Joker

Joker's also a fan of Bel-Air's, apparently
Harley doing what she loves.
The dastardly Penguin has Batman helpless and in his clutches...

A clown-themed super-villain. Joker is the hallmark IRL Troll of the Batman franchise because, honestly, he's unpredictable and does everything just for shits and giggles. He has been played by people such as Jack Nicholson, Luke Skywalker, and even a gay cowboy.

Many yaoi fangirls are attracted to the character of the Joker due to their misplaced belief that his character is all about putting on clownish make-up and attention-seeking. To them, this is perfectly normal behavior, and they judge it as 'Bishie'.

Other Villains

The Batman has a complete set of villains not played by Heath Ledger. Batman villains all have strong themes, such as a sexual attraction to Alice in Wonderland, and they are all batshit insane, not to mention completely faggy and ridiculous. Batman villains include:

  • Anarky - V from V for Vendetta, but without the mask and with a big Ⓐ on his shirt. There are literally no other differences.
  • Baby Doll - Criminally insane permaloli who has secks with Killer Croc.
  • Bane - Mexican drug addict and wrestler. Nobody cared who he was until he put on the mask.
  • Black Mask - Prefers to be called African-American Mask nowadays.
  • Calendar Man - No, really.
  • Catwoman - Fursuiter. Unfortunately totally a furry. Actually blew up a government installation to save some cats. Gets pissed if you don't like pussies.
  • Clayface - A huge walking turd.
  • Clock King - A jerk who hates clocks.
  • Hugo Strange - Evil neckbeard and one of the only villains to know Batman's real identity.
  • Killer Croc - Also available in Spiderman, not a furry.
  • Harley Quinn - The Joker's whore. She was originally introduced in Batman the Animated Series but later made it into comics and video games. She is beloved by fangirls, because domestic violence is so kawaii.
  • Mad Hatter - A pedo in a stupid hat.
  • Man-Bat - A furry.
  • Mister Freeze - He's cool. His real name is "Victor Fries".
  • Onomatopoeia - Kevin Smith's Mary Sue villain, an assassin whose schtick is providing his own sound effects. While a guy saying sound effects can sometimes appear cool in a comic book, in a movie or TV show having a guy say "Bang!" after firing a gun would look fucking ghey, so he has zero chance of ever appearing outside of a comic book.
  • The Motherfuckin' Penguin
  • Poison Ivy - Likes plants so much she became one, best friends with Harley Quinn. Played by Uma in the movies.
  • Professor Pyg - Sick fuck in a pig mask.
  • Prometheus - Ridiculous Mary Sue villain, invented by Grant Morrison while high. Once took out the entire Justice League, but then got blindsided by Green Arrow.
  • Ra's al Ghul - The only Arab villain Batman fights, which is highly unrealistic, because as we all know Arabs are always up to no good. His name is pronounced 'racial ghoul'.
  • Riddler - Faggot who can't stop using stupid riddles.
  • The Scarecrow - A skinny white man who induces fear in people with hallucinogenic drugs, giving the comic book artists a chance to draw cool, trippy shit. Even though he ponces about wearing an outfit made of straw and other highly flammable materials, Batman never just sets him on fire. Despite being a scrawny little freak with a big nose, has loads of fangirls, probably because in the movies he was played by that watery-eyed wax-faced Irish boy from 28 Days Later.
  • The Sewer King - Nobody gives a fuck about Sewer King.
  • Solomon Grundy - A character concept rejected from Resident Evil. Lives in the sewer and recites poetry.
  • Two Face - Indecisive cunt with really bad sunburn down one side of his body, because the Joker replaced his sun tan lotion with toxic clown jizz.
  • The Ventriloquist - Started as creepy guy talking to a puppet. Recently became a hot chick.
  • Mr. Zsasz - Serial killer and cutter.

The Good Guys

  • Commissioner Gordon: Head of the Gotham City police Department. Considered one of Batman's most trusted allies, despite the fact that the cops never even show up until after Batman subdues the villains.
  • Barbara Gordon: Commissioner Gordon's ginger daughter. She was at one point shot in the spine but fully recovered and became Batwoman.
  • The Question: Like Batman, the Question has no real superpowers besides being intelligent. He often wears a suit and a green mask that removes all facial features.
  • Robin:


   
 
At some point, I realized I needed a sidekick. Who better than a tight, well-toned circus runaway with no family and an overwhelming desire to please me in return for candy?
 

 
 

—Batman, telling it how it is.

Batman's shota sidekick, and "adopted son". He specializes in hand jobs, and getting captured by the Joker. He is deeply in love with Batman and is often found trying to seduce him by wearing faggy short tights. When not trying to get into Batman's pants or getting his ass kicked, he can be found being replaced by another kid for getting too old. Said replacements include:

    • Dick Grayson: Circus freak and the oh so serious leader of the Teen Titans. Temporarily becomes Batman.
    • Jason Todd: Pwned by the Joker. Comes back to life.
    • Tim Drake: Nobody cares.
    • Stephanie Brown: Girl Robin introduced because they wanted to draw more hot chicks in leather. Only lasted three issues before getting killed.
    • Damian Wayne: Son of Bruce and Talia al Ghul (Ra's al Ghul's daughter). Talia raped Bruce so don't you think for a second that he's straight. Recently got pwned.


Batmobile

Either the most badass or gayest car ever, depending on which series you are watching/reading. The best thing about the Batmobile is that if you happen to run anyone over while driving it, then there's pretty much no doubt as to who did it, so you could probably get away with anything. The only thing Batman hates more than chocolate ice cream is people making fun of his car.

Anger issues, Batboy?

Alignment

Batman's alignment is subject to constant debate, and seems to defy the conventions of the system. Given the sheer amount of time that Bat-Fans have on their hands, you think they would figure out this shit eventually. Here are the fruits of their lack of labor:

Batman Alignment.jpg

The Dark Knight

Nuvola
Moar info: The Dark Knight IMDb Board.
At least now we know why the Joker needed to steal all that money.

The Dark Knight is considered by top critics to be the greatest thing to ever happen to them since their last excursion in totally legitimate reproductive intercourse. It hit the number one spot on IMDB's best movies of all time list within an hour of its release and then garnered more money than the first Star Wars film, solidifying it as "one of the most awesome movies of all time". Despite this, when the movie came to Japan the inhabitants of Godzilla-land showed zero interest in the film. The Mummy 3, What Happens in Vegas, and Sex in the City all had higher box office intake than The Dark Knight. Why so unpopular? It has to do with Japan's utter hatred for manly men who have to shave and have a baritone voice, big penises, and muscles. Japan likes heroes that look like androgynous pop idols who whine about how sad they are. The sheer manliness of Christian Bale's cock probably made the entire country tremble in fear.

Fanboys lined up for hours to watch this masterpiece. Too bad it was about as entertaining as British porn, but at least you get to see Batman's dong, thanks to the new batsuit. Oh, and Heath Ledger's not going to be in the sequel.

Galleries

About missing Pics

Rule 34 About missing Pics

Copypasta

Once upon a time there was a young man named Batman.

Then his parents got dead.
And then Batman got pissed off, so then he fucked-off to Princeton.
And then he fucked-off to China to be a ninja because his parents were dead.
Batman went back home to Earth and said “I will become Batman.”
And he became BAT-MAN.
Then Batman dicked around for a bit…
Then Batman said “I need a Bat-buttmobile.”
But Morgan Freeman said “NO! You get a tank because you suck dick!” and germs killed the martians…
So Batman fucked around for a while and then there was a guy with a potato-sack for a head and he said “Fuck You!”
And Batman said “No…Fuck you.”
Then Batman made him get dumb.
Then there was a ninja on a train that said “Everyone in this city is a dick-butt!”
So Batman said “Enjoy your choo-choo to dick-fuck town.”

And everybody died especially Heath Ledger.

Videos

We think Batman is capable of dealing with everything, but this shows just how a puny little drug addict can easily overcome the Dark Knight with a taser to the crotch. Followed up with heroin, surprise sex, and more heroin, and then some BAWWWWING about his own prison experiences, and then a little suicide. At the end, this causes Batman to become an an hero.

An average evening with Mr. Wayne

Previous Video  |  Next Video

External links

See Also

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Batman is part of a series on:
Comic Books

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Media

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