The Battle.net Forums is an internet message board created in 1993 by the gifted minds at Pine Ridge Elementary in Livingston, Texas. Blizzard Entertainment realized its potential as a babysitter for pre-tweens and and licensed it for use in 1996. Its intended use is for the discussion of Blizzard games such as StarCraft, although historians debate whether this is merely an urban legend.
Many print sources have called the Battle.net Forums one of the greatest forums on the internets. It possesses a very high learning curve, and stupid posters will be shunned for their shitty Warcraft III record. It is similar to /b/ in that by trolling there, you are pissing in their ocean of piss.
List of Forums
- StarCraft II General Discussion
Battle.net's most popular board. Usually found there are TL;DR debates between fanboys about StarCraft vs. Warcraft III, Obama and Religion. There's also a bunch of stupid or joke questions about StarCraft II, shitty unit suggestions, or people whining about something retarded (e.g. the trilogy). The simplest way to deal with these threads is to derail them with SpongeBob porn, which causes the OP to run away in fear to the SC2 Gameplay Discussion. Sometimes old threads from the back of the forums are bumped to troll idiots into thinking that the topic is relevant. An example would be someone bumping all the threads whining about the trilogy to the front of the forum, and dozens of people getting trolled and starting even more threads whining about the trilogy.
- Warcraft III General Discussion
Battle.net's Warcraft III board. Whatever on topic discussions that exist are raging over Orc being imba, or whatever race all the Koreans picked to win the latest big tournament. A quarter of discussions are political threads. At least 15% of threads start with "So I". Whenever someone goes there and whines how they got they cd-key disabled from battle.net, the common WGDF is "HACKER DOWN", because in reality, they are filthy hacking nerdgins.
- Diablo III General Discussion
One of the only Forums actually has serious on-topic discussion. Meaning there's nothing interesting about it.
- StarCraft General Discussion
- Fan Fiction
A popular forum with
the least no moderation. You'll find some people write shitty fanfiction that rivals Twilight in quality, however it's usually just spammed with stupid shit. You can spam it or post CP and it will stay up for 1-2 months, even with the new forums. On the old ones, they would never get deleted.
Essentially the same thing as the Warcraft III General Discussion, only less active. A lot of the only good threads from the S2GDF and WGDF are thrown in here by the faggot mods.
Where dumbfucks try to tell Blizzard how to do their job. Of course when it comes to web development, they really need that. Not that they'll read it anyway, so it's ultimately a useless forum.
- Technical Support
A Place for idiots to complain that they can't host due to their lack of understanding of what a router is. Seriously. There's at least a new topic a week about the same damn issue, Even though there's a sticky on the front page about the issue. It's even worse on real battle.net though, as half the questions there are HALP I CAN'T HOST WTF DO I DO?!?!?!?!11
- Diablo II Forums
The Diablo II Forums are divided into USEast, USWest and Europe Trading, Skill, Gameplay and General Discussion. The same shit exists in IM form on the Diablo II channels on real Battle.net, making these forums pointless.
- Clan Hall
- Warcraft III Map Development
A Warcraft III forum for retards who aspire to top dota in popularity with their map idea that they don't know how to do.
- Battle.net Status
Nothing has ever been posted in this forum. EVAR.
New & Old Forums
At least 100 years ago, When the Internets were still new, Blizzard invented the Battle.net Forums. It comprised solely of Diablo Forums and a StarCraft Suggestion forum. The StarCraft Suggestions forum was S2GDF of the time, and the Diablo Forums were like the Diablo II forums of the time. Shit nobody cares about happened, and then 7 years later Blizzard released the "Next-Gen" Battle.net Forums, which seemed awwwwright until it's epic fail began to show.
—1997 Battle.net Forums
Later, On October 7th 2008, Blizzard Implemented the so-called "New" Forums, that were in fact not new, but actually the WoW Forums with the Battle.net Logo instead of the WoW logo. This added a bunch of features that the WoW Forums had that ended up making the forum even worse then it was before. Spam was still possible until they "fixed" it, which instantly made the S2GDF suck more. What better way was there to divert Jews to the StarCraft II Gameplay Discussion than having the first 500 pages saying "HEIL HITLER BURN ALL THE JEWS!!!"? There wasn't any.
Spamming the Battle.net forums was done frequently for most of 2008. It was done because the forums were shitty. And they still are.
Hitler Spam has some interesting side effects.
Notable Fads & Memes
- Art Questions now are we plus too.
An short-lived fad that started when Karune, the StarCraft II Community Manager replied to someone asking when Q&A Batch 47 would be out. As usual it was very uninformative but it did say 6 words strung together that made absolutely no sense.
When forum spam was automated and frequent, it was common practice to include a bunch of Ws at the end of your topic title. For example,
When the new forums were first spammed, it mostly comprised of Ws.
- Zealots seem Ballerinas(Aka Need to PIERCE TARGET not DANCE!)
a meme started as a typical shit post on the old S2GDF of some idiot whining about something. In this case, he was whining about how "Zealots seem ballerinas", and how "ZEALOT need to PIERCE TARGET not DANCE!", implying that the Protoss zealot was Dancing like a Ballerina when he should be piercing his target with his Lazor sword.
- Flaw with the Mothership
a fad started when a troll who made what was probably his first on topic post in the S2GDF said that If a mothership reached very low health, and you can only have one at a time, and they are very expensive flying protoss units that other players would see as a very high priority unit to destroy, for it to remain worth using a mothership, you'd have to kill off your own mothership and train a new one, severely draining your minerals and Vespene gas. Another user then made a topic just like it where a word that rhymed with Flaw was put in its place. Then the entire S2GDF caught on and collectively spammed the forums with variants of __aw with the mothership (for example Tim Mcgraw with the Mothership) because they had nothing better to do during the christmas holidays, leaving a big mess for Karune to clean up. Some users have tried to make new strains of the fad with things like "Flaw with X". but they are unfunny and doing it wrong.
- Terrible, TERRIBLE damage
a meme that started when Cavez, the lead designer for StarCraft II was doing commentary on a few StarCraft II videos, and every few minutes mentioned that whatever unit he was talking about(Most commonly a Stalker) was doing TERRIBLE TERRIBLE DAMAGE!!! to something. It's commonly associated with him describing Focus Fire as an Advanced tactic. Which it is, if you're 9.
Bans & Logging in
To Log in to Blizzard's shithole of a forum, you need to enter a CD-key From a blizzard game. No worries though, because the list of banned keys on the Battle.net forums is different from the list on the actual Battle.net gaming service, meaning you can never be banned because Google is your friend, and so is a Key Generator. It also helps that Blizzard doesn't ban IP Addresses, but instead bans CD-keys.
How To change your key once it has been banned:
- Get the Cookie Editor add-on for Firefox.
- delete a forums.battle.net cookie that contains the key you used, which is usually listed as an abbreviation of whatever game that key belongs to.
- Enter another key.
Karune's assistant. Soon before the New forums came in, he got his account hacked via XSS. The epic troll who got into his account Banned fucking everyone, five times. He also announced that StarCraft II was canceled, causing lots of drama and lulz.
Cavez, aka Dustin Browder is the StarCraft II Lead Designer, who is made fun of on a constant basis on the Battle.net forums. He sometimes responds to people who do this.
moar Cavez copypasta
The Diablo III Community manager. He is slightly more funny than Karune, and even posted in Off Topic once.
The Tech Support mod. He is also the only not gay mod on the Battle.net forums.
The Faces Of SC2GDF.
On January 3rd 2009, An actual girl with the account name Marandabeastly came to the Battle.net Forums and Made a topic called "The Faces of SC2GDF". where the basement-dwellers posted pictures of themselves. This caused much drama and it quickly became the most popular thread ever on the battle.net forums:
—Bashiok unsuccessfully trying to get tits.
—A battle.nerd's reaction.
7 pages into the thread, the Battle.nerds realized they still had no idea if Maranda was actually the girl in the pics yet. So they devised a plan that would result in an Epic thread.
Some retards still didn't believe she was legit, which sparked a flame war. because of all the drama, Maranda got scared and went to move in with her Auntie and Uncle in Bel-air. Some of the S2GDF users tried to calm down all the nerds raging that she hadn't posted tits yet:
—Maranda, realizing what she'd done to a video game forum that was peacefully arguing over religion and Obama before she came along.
This went on for about 10 pages while some other pathetic nerds tried desperately to get her posting again:
—Mindlesscraft, trying to score internet pussy
—Rancidturnip laughing at the fail
—Phase_tn speaking the truth
Another 10 pages passed where nothing of value was discussed. This caused the thread to get dull, and so Blazur decided to /thread
And it stayed down until a new camwhore named Sexykitten.nl decided to post her pics, which brought it back from a /thread:
Unfortunately though, since the thread was beaten do death with the last 15 pages that reeked of fail, before the s2gdfers could go through what they did with Maranda, the thread post limit capped at 500. Nevar 4get.
-  - Website of one of the more prolific Bnet trolls.
-  - The Battle.net Forums Drinking Game
-  - Battle.net Forum Index
-  - 1997 StarCraft Suggestion forums. As you can see, not much has changed from this to the S2GDF.
-  - Unrealbnet forums created and maintained by Teelo. This site was created in response to the inevitable closure and migration of the current battle.net forums.
fat bloody nigger spit
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