Battlefield Heroes

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Battlefield (An) Heroes (also known as Team Battlefield Fortress 2) is a subpar free-to-play third person shooting game for your computer. The game is well known for having developers enraging the community, being infested with hackers, having items you actually have to pay for, and having cartoon style graphics. As with all Battlefield games, the developers fail at balancing the game, while they are hired by EA so you know what they will do next. What makes this unique compared to the other titles however, is that drama in general happens more often because how fucking easy it is to post on the forums, as well as being able to dress up a black person like a Nazi. Like all other games, it uses Punkbuster.

Heroes has also been in Open Beta for more than a year and a half, and has a 'PTE', so you can have a beta in your beta so you can play while you play.


The Game Itself

To pretty much summarize Battlefield Heroes, combine Battlefield 2's basic mechanics with Team Fortress 2 graphics. You get simplistic vehicles to use on bigger maps, and are unable to change class after making your character which you can't delete or change faction, which leads to more drama concerning that. The game uses a leveling system which means it takes forever to hit a new level after some time, and a ingame currency that buys you guns and shitty clothes that last for a week or a month, unless if you buy some special currency with IRL money. Seriously. If you want fancy looking clothes and weaponry, you have to pay for them.

The game's theme is just a fail pisstake of World War 2, with the Royals being Britfags who sound like asspies and the Nationals being Nazi's, with the former having a BAWWW about how the latter cheated in a bike race as an excuse for a war. Community wise, Royals are mostly noobs, while National players are pretty much into retarded one-sided bias in general.

Oh, and did I mention friendly fire on is not an option, as well as vote kicking and punishing removed? And you can't spawn at whatever flag you like, so you are pretty much going to get spawn killed by a tank over and over.

Classes & Abilities

There are only three classes in Battlefield Heroes, that being a result of EA's uncreative fatties, however, most of the community still has time to make up more retarded ones on the forums with hope that somebody will give a shit. Basically, every class is the same, boring thing, only that each one has different abilities, which at least give some sense of fun to the game.

Soldier Gunner Commando
  • Soldier - Probably the only class done right, this guy is a teamplayer by making their mates see shit through walls and being their heal bitch. The only thing worth noting is that this class can throw vehicles around, which can result to teamkilling with empty jeeps and tanks. Sadly, the soldier can't do shit anymore, now that the "Burning Bullets" ability was nerfed by some buyable fireproof underpants and nobody really gives a crap about healing your teammates.
  • Sixth Sense - An actual wallhack, so the players wouldn't have to download hacks themselves, which is ironic considering real script kiddies flock North American servers.
  • Blasting Strike - Either extremely worthless or useful, as it could push them gently or roll over motherfucking tanks and even instantly kill people.
  • Burning Bullets - Kill a person even after you die. Pyro style.
  • Combat Medicine - The default soldier ability, only pumped by poor suckers who can't buy bandages.
  • Grenade Spam - Yes, it's totally what the name says. Ironically enough, this ability is pretty much stronger when you pump less points into it since the spread gets so fucking big if you do so.
  • Gunner - A class that everyone used to bitch about being underpowered, until everyone at EA thought it would be funny that they make it overpowered, which people now bitch about. Pretty much most of the Gunners rely on an ability that heals themselves when shooting people since it was buffed, despite the fact that it has everything, from running to eating explosives to shooting down tanks with an RPG to mowing down people. It would be the alpha and the omega if it wouldn't be dependency of IRL-buyable weapons.
  • Explosive Keg - A barrel filled with AIDS and purple shit. Always followed by an RPG rocket.
  • Frenzy Fire - The only useful and the most overpowered ability ever.
  • Hero's Shield - As if the gunner wouldn't have too much HP already, he gets more with this retarded skill.
  • I Eat Grenades - The best ability - makes the player a lard beast that devours tank missiles and mines.
  • Leg It - Steroids and kenyans.
  • Commando - Chosen by n00bs since they suck at Soldier or Gunner. A Commando pretty much has unlimited invisibility (until he shoots and then he can wait it out to do it again) and an ability to kill people within two hits using a Sniper Rifle or Knife. I am not making this up. Since people were moving on to this class to make the game less fun, which was the whole point of the game, EA just fucked it over twice and while not the same sort of topic, people still cry about them.
  • Elixir - Steroids, kenyans and ecstasy.
  • Poisoned Blade - A shit ability that can be spotted miles away hence the green shit and shit sound.
  • Mark Target - Annoy invisible commandoes and sow panic into the average player.
  • Stealth - Unlimited invisibility - gg
  • Troop Trap - A mine that only a retard wouldn't notice and that deals 1 damage. Though you can do high jumps with it.
  • Piercing Shot - Remember when you could 2-hit-kill somebody with a sniper? Well, now you can do it with one hit.

Maps

Unlike BF2, Battlefield Heroes has only got seven maps, because the developers are too lazy at making new ones since Coastal Clash was made, which only come every few months and actually do rely on the community to name them.

  • Seaside Skirmish - A boring, long map where if you aren't in a vehicle, you can't get anywhere and will probably just get sniped from anywhere. You might aswell leave the game if you're not a commando.
  • Victory Village - Probably the only decent map other than Riverside Rush, although still boring despite it being an infantry only map, but it has jeeps!11!11oneoneone
  • Buccaneer Bay - A hybrid map where if your team is full of retards, you will lose since they will capture the shipwreck and get killed by people on the high ground and those in tanks since your team is caved in. A favourite pick by the community, because it's so fucking fun to fly that god damn plane.
  • Coastal Clash - Same as Buccaneer Bay minus the tanks and planes. Retards capping the low ground will pretty much cave their team in. Being spawn-killed every two seconds is also a plus.
  • Riverside Rush - No vehicles but actually interesting if both teams make a head on collision, but gets watered down so fucking fast. Also amply known as the ragequit map.
  • Sunset Showdown - Despite being waited oh-so long for, it turned out to be complete shit. There's a plane collision every five seconds, which finally pleased the retarded community. Nevertheless, it soon became bad, because there's always a sniper up in that church. Due to the unoriginal asses of EA this is the second map to be abbreviated as SS - this being an actually discussed issue on the game forums.
  • Midnight Mayhem - since EA finally understood the six earlier maps are boring as shit, they decided to introduce an entirely new game mode, called "V2 Vengeance". Holy shit, indeed. But Battlefield Heroes being Battlefield Heroes, this new King of the Hill gametype soon became boring and the horrible map made it even worse (e.g. fucking sniper bullets everywhere).
  • Alpine Assault - Formerly known as Fucking Foggy to the butthurt people who run Heroes on lower settings in the past, it's basically an endless field like Seaside Skirmish, but in Switzerland. Caused a tornado of drama regarding it's name, since some fact faggots got mad that the map isn't exactly "alpine" and since everybody wanted it to be "Forest Frenzy" so much. Yet again, this map is another Commando fest.

Monthly Collectibles

Like the Gaia Online faggotry, Battlefield Heroes has monthly exclusive items where you have to pay at least $10 for a bundle of them. These pretty much allow you to dress up as a ninja, a knight, a furry, and much more.

EA stopped doing monthly clothing sets in the middle of 2010, so they can release one every two months or so with a bunch of ridiculous widgets (such as fuel bombs and a watered down Blasting Strike) that scare the entire playerbase when they are released in the game's public testing version, but end up being underused and shit considering both VP and BF prices end up being too fucking high for so little.

Community

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Both on the forum and ingame, the community of this game is dysfunctional. Despite the fact that anyone can come from anywhere OTI, here we will list typical players.

  • The n00b - A whining faggot who will mainly accuse of everyone of hacking because they can beat him 1v1, as well as complain against certain weapons and abilities being unfair.
  • The elitist - These are everywhere. They really care about their Kill/Death ratio and don't actually play for fun.
  • The oldfag - Comes to the forums after a year of not playing the game and whines how everything is so goddamn expensive.
  • The newfag - The person who just saw /b/ for the first time and usually posts unfunny pictures on the forums such as Advice Dog variants & lolcats, and is also always doing it wrong.
  • The TF2 Fanboy - Either loves or hates Battlefield Heroes, and always compares it to Team Fortress 2 on the forums and always against the Engineer ideas on the suggestion board (even if they remotely aren't related).
  • The hacker - Kills cloaked Commandos out of range and is usually an idiot despite the fact that EA hardly ever bans hackers (which EA themselves deny).
  • The Battlefunds slut - There's two types of them. One obviously got a shitload of BF and has Super/Uber everything (even if some of them won't make much of a difference), and is dressed with literally every clothing slot used up on one character. The other just changes around clothes on a daily basis and is a faggot at Lv20-30.
  • The rage guy - Every video game has one, anyway. Examples in Heroes include quotes such as "HNNNNNNGGGGG NERF ******* GUNNER".

And not to mention, literally everyone teabags other players, and will rage when the YouTube of the week isn't a shitty machima or montage.

Kodystokes

The most cemented-inside meme of the Battlefield Heroes community was made by making fun of a user called Kodystokes. This skiddie posted why his hacks weren't working and much lulz was had by the community including the moderators. But it didn't stop there as he didn't see his own fail and then denied hacking, which made him fail so much more, he went back to win.

Today the term 'you pulled a Kodystokes' reffers to someone who pretty much unintentionally reported themselves if they were haxing or doing an exploit. Bonus points if they deny it, despite proof being there. However, nothing will be as good as the original Kodystokes.

Forums

The forums at Battlefield Heroes are usually made up out of whining about script kiddies and the latest update in the PTE. There are only really about three people who actually post, the rest are spammers. There are plenty of boards, but let's mention the only worthy ones.

  • General Chat - An extremely generic board where everyone cries about all the bad parts of the game.
  • Media Section - Nothing interesting over here. The people in the video board are also very hard to entertain, much to the dismay of butthurt Jewtubers.
  • Off-Topic - Spam.
  • Rental Servers - People just advertise their servers here, only to get flamed at for having shitty admins.
  • Suggestions - Self-explanatory Incredibly useless, since they are infested with VP to BF suggestions and other retarded shit that obviously won't happen. Contrary to popular belief, many ideas from this board have actually been implemented into the game, but nobody gives a shit and just whine instead.
  • Class Related Boards - Half of the threads here involve whining about Gunners and feature class guides.
  • German Forums - A handful of boards for the average Nazi living in Doucheland.

Drama

Battlefield Heroes since October has had plenty of lulz and drama popping up on the forums, mainly bitching about 'exclusive' items. Despite the delicious tears, this is pretty much shit nobody cares about since it's just complaining at other things.

Punkbuster

For a while the game wasn't even playable when they put on Punkbuster before making the game open to anyone for testing, as everyone gets kicked off servers when activated. While it is disabled on every non-rented server, it's not like it's going to kick hackers anyway.

The Skeleton Pirate Bundle

At the end of October, EA held a competition that allowed players to enter in pictures of clothing bundles they want to see for players to buy, as long as it held in relation of the Royal Zombie and National Skeleton outfits of the month. The winning bundle for Royals was a gay Zombie Farmer who was just as good looking as the clothes you can buy without actually paying money, while the Nationals actually had a decent Skeleton Pirate.

This caused closed beta players to shit bricks, even if it was expensive.


However, all of the oldfags of BFH had a BAWWW over it, since the new players could get items that were only in the Closed Beta which were really expensive, but the real offender was that the fact that the pirate's parrot came with it, and those who are still against it are probably still crying about it, most namely elitists, despite the fact that the bundle was more expensive than the Royal one.

From then on, people are hardly buying into the term of 'exclusive'. About time, too.

'Exclusive' Re-Releases

People also had a cry over this as well!

More proof of EA's failure to understand what exclusive really means, another drama llama summoning was when they decided that bringing up monthly sets from the past few months and selling them for cheaper is a good idea during late November, applying to the knight, ninja, karate, and pirate outfits. Again, more bitching arises since people just spent their Battlefunds on shitty SWAT gear that is now confirmed that it's here to stay as well as again like the pirate - they got ripped off.

The VP Price Rise Crisis

EA thought it would be a good idea to raise the prices for people who use the ingame currency to buy weapons and the like, but lower the prices so most Battlefund costing items are dirt cheap in attempt to grab more money off people. While buying weapons with the ingame currency used to be 50 VP each for a week, buying a weapon for just three days costs 450 VP nowadays. And they removed every widget but the Supreme versions, which cost more for less and can only really be massed up by paying more BF. Buying one of the newer weapons, which are just upgraded versions of older weapons with new models, costs 1350 VP for three days. I shit you not. Over the course of the first few days, many newfags and oldfags alike united to protest in Xfire chatrooms and on the forum. However, most of the oldfags were banned while the newfags survived.

Despite the fact that only the Super/Uber knife is the only upgraded weapon that makes an actual difference, everyone cries how the people who pay for them with IRL monies have HUEG advantages, in the way of BARELY MORE CRITICAL HITS. Yes, people cry about that.

On the forum, there is at least 100 different topics a day concerning this on about any board. Most people of the entire playerbase (which is nearly the size of New Zealand's population, by the way, which seems like bullshit considering people can make more than one account) are pretty much rage quitting the game, flaming the community moderators despite the fact they have nothing to do with the development, or are boycotting Battlefield Heroes until it is changed back, which it probably won't since EA is predicatable. It is unknown if the developers are really that retarded, or if they are just doing it for the lulz.

Also found was some new widgets. A potion that instantly heals players by 50 HP, and fire proof underwear that cancels out Burning Bullets. Players who use Soldiers as their mains are bitching since this will make their only decent aspects useless, although they fail to realize that they can also use them and have pretty much two instant heals. A year later and people still bitch about these.

Valve fanboys has seen this crisis and have just flocked to the BFH forums just to fill them up with faggotry, just to try and convert people over to Team Fortress 2.

Response

What happens when you mess with EA's monies.

Some oldfags have attempted to fix EA's bullshit by kicking players that use paid advantages. EA responded with irrelevant TOS bans.

Scoped Weapons

Last Thursday, EA released scoped weapons in the PTE. Everyone is - you guessed it, whining. Not because a Short Ranged weapon got a scope on it nor that the Sniper Rifle has nothing new about it than a recolor, only because one of the most overpowered weapons in the game, an essentially 30-Round Automatic Sniper Rifle, got a scope. The funny thing is that the PTE can never emulate the experience of the proper game due to over 9000 different factors, and that when scoped your guy moves slower, thus actually making it an easier kill for Commandos with a brain.

Trolling Battlefield Heroes

BFH is ripe for trolling, just like past Battlefield games, despite the lack of friendly fire and punishing!

  • Spend BF on the game and use emotes with teabagging to make non-paying players rage. This will be harder on the people who try the trolling tactic below.
  • Don't spend BF on the game and use the wave emote with teabagging to make paying players you can beat rage. Bonus points if you also successfully troll them verbally (IE - Did your hat save you now?).
  • When a hacker is in the game, say 'I use Fraps'. Sometimes they leave, but sometimes they'll just hack for the lulz.
  • As a Soldier, use Blasting Strike to knock empty vehicles at teammates, especially if they are going for jeeps and you are on the other side. 1/5 to 3/5 is good for killing with jeeps, 3/5 or higher is ideal for killing with tanks.
  • Same as above, but blast empty tanks on top of friendly planes just taking off to destroy them. If the plane is still intact, you're doing it wrong.
  • Bail out of a jeep before it hits a friendly, GURANTEED it will kill him.
  • Get a group of Soldiers on the same team and blast a certain enemy at the same time to make him go flying, keep doing this in the same round on the same person for lulz.
  • Be a shit pilot by colliding into stuff, or fly over the water with your passengers still on board. Hitting the wings on the power poles in Seaside Skirmish is ideal since you instantly die on those.
  • If on an unranked server that has jeep racing going on, set up blockades of vehicles at tight areas. Or just use a tank on the track path, hide around a wall, and fucking ram everyone, which leads to the people on your side fucking up and the other getting killed instantly when they collide with your tank.
  • Shout "I need a medic" everywhere, at all times. Not only will a few noob soldiers heal you (which is actually very rare), the repeating "AUUUUUGH AUGHAUGHA AUOOOOOOOOGH" is guaranteed to piss everyone off.
  • Say you got the last kill, even if you didn't. Of course this method is not as fun as it used to be, because now the game itself announces the last kill, but it's still worth a shot.
  • Shoot the troop traps of your teammate commandos', which will destroy them and most likely the planters will be forced to wait the long-ass refreshing time to plant another one. Alternatively, you may refuse to shoot your enemies' troop traps, since you are expected to do this and when you don't an unwilling teammate will most likely step on it and explode like a bitch.

You can basically use your imagination to grief in the game.

See Also

  • Battlefield 2 - A game where it is nothing but jetwhoring and throwing grenades, while your main weapons can't hit for shit, even when prone.
  • Battlefield 2142 - A game where you can actually hit shit with guns, and is playable compared to BF2.
  • Team Fortress 2 - Another overated, stale game where the style of art was taken from.
  • Halo - Where the mass teabagging comes from.
  • EA - The game's Jewish publisher.

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