Bible slash

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Bible slash. Rule 34 really does come through. Bible-slash is not only a community on Livejournal, but FanFiction.Net. While the stories are good for a chuckle and even raising of some conservative eyebrows, the reviews are even more entertaining!

Why Slash?

HAWT

Slash is what fuels teenagers all around the world. One day, when women come to power, slash will be what brings world peace and begin the dawn of a Golden Age.

From Harry Potter, animu, and life as we know it, slash was quickly spreading faster than herpes. That was when someone in the back of a dark and crowded room said, “Hey, what about the Bible?” After a brawl broke out between Christian slash fans and the liberal slashers, the bible slash community was born.

And... just like any other fandom, there was a VERY prominent pairing that caught the eyes of faingirls faster than a shimmering penis. Just like Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, Jesus and Judas were quickly written butt-sexing each other. It’s so obvious too... Judas really kissed Jesus because he had the hots for him. And also, the Crucifixion what with the whipping and being spread apart in public without clothes is obviously the ancestor of modern BDSM. Read in between the lines people!

Fanfiction

“To betray with a ki–mmff!”


   
 
And then Joshua was kissing him, kissing him as he’d thought he would never do. His lips were warm and dry, and they curved into a smile as his pressed against them. Hesitant, Judas pulled away, awaiting the sound of the soldiers... but there was nothing. Perhaps they too had fallen asleep, claimed by their god Morpheus; perhaps they were simply not paying attention; Judas did not know. There was a moment where the nighttime noises were uninterrupted until he was shocked to hear Joshua whisper “Now, that was hardly a proper kiss, was it?”
 

 
 

—Culumacilinte’s The One That I Kiss on Live Journal

A small sample of Bible Slash. Jesus is the slash king, and his Twelve Apostles are always slashed together, sometimes, if you find a cracked out fic, a giant orgy with pounds of hash beside the sex pile.

Horrible, horrible crack fic. Prepare for your eyes to burn. The reviews are WAY funnier than the story.

God/Lucifer, Lucifer/Gabriel, Jesus/Judas, Jesus/Anyone, Twelve Apostles/Anything with two legs and genitalia. This is what happens when slash is awkwardly introduced to the Bible at a bar. The two proceed to get drunk and then one thing leads to another and the Bible is pregnant. Slash tells the Bible to abort the baby, but the Bible is religious so it can’t. Nine months later, Bible-Slash was born.


   
 
“This would be a sin if one of us were mortal, little angel,” I murmur wickedly as I pull my mouth away from his at last and nuzzle at his neck, “but for two sons of Heaven like ourselves, there is nothing sinful in what we’re doing. And is it really violation if you want it?” He gasps, almost sobbing as I stroke the smooth, unblemished whiteness of his chest, brushing lightly over the delicate skin of his small pink nipples, sliding my other hand ever lower, to rest at last between his slender thighs and bring him slowly to arousal. His platinum hair falls back from his hauntingly lovely face as he crimsons with shame, and yet he arches himself toward my skilful touch.
 

 
 

—Angelica Albina’s His Wings As Drifted Snow

A work of art for the Lucifer/Gabriel fans.

biblesextories.com

Someone had spare time and server space, so they decided to troll Christianity. They succeeded.

Some examples:


   
 
Ruth 1:3:11- And Naomi said, Turn again, my daughters: why will ye go with me? are there yet any more sons in my womb, that they may be your husbands?
 

 
 

becomes

   
 
Naomi, don't say that. You're still a very...attractive woman." Ruth raised her eyes, following the supple lines of her mother-in-law's thigh beneath her robe, up to her ample breasts and her luxuriant hair falling atop her shoulders. Though well into her forties, Naomi was still a looker. Ruth fought to keep the lustful gleam out of her eye. She and Orpah had married this woman's sons, but in fact Ruth had always secretly fantasized about the seductive older woman.-
 

 
 

it gets better

The story of Lot and his daughters only gets a lovely picture

Lot+Two horny daughters








   
 
Samuel 1:18:3-4- Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.
 

 
 

becomes

   
 
"When you strike," Jonathan said, "Show no mercy." David rammed himself deeply into the ass of Jonathan, who inhaled sharply. "Well, maybe just a little mercy," he added. David pulled out a ways and spit on his cock a few times before thrusting again.

"Now," cried Jonathan, "All the way, in to the hilt." David pounded away at Jon's ass until he let go with a holler.

"Holy cow, where'd you learn to fuck like that?"

"Gotta do something to pass the time with the sheep."

Later, the two men lay in each other's arms, and Jonathan ran his fingers through David's curls. "You're a worthy opponent," he said "But I'm glad we're on the same side."
 


 
 


Reactions/Reviews

Soon, Christians took notice, and the lulz wasn't far after.

Outrageous.jpg

From biblesexstories.com


   
 
I don't belive in a God currently, But I still find this VERY terrible. What if your wrong and he's real? Take down this fucking site before you regret it you asshole!
 

 
 

—god will reward your faith


   
 
i am Dam sure who built this site is a mother fucker.when he was to be born he fucked her and then he came out of her
 

 
 

—how christian


   
 
Behold, the end is near... Take head, my children, for one will be taken away and the other will be left behind...
 

 
 

— surely you mean catnarok

others


   
 
This is sick. I am christian and you have just insulted my religion. Please take this story down and delete it, eradicate it from the internet, rip it into little pieces etc... Oh- and remember to smash up your computer so you can never write again. Ever.
 

 
 

Aqua Blue, forgetting that a pen is fine too


   
 
You crossed a line with this filth. By your actions, you have proven that you are not a Jew, (or if you are, you just don't care) nor are you a Christian, and you do not have enough respect for those who believe in and hold the Bible sacred. Homosexuality is forbidden. You have made a mockery of Holy writ. I hold the Bible to be the word of God. I take everything that is said within its pages literally unless indicated by the surrounding text. Those who sow evil, reep evil, those who sow good, reep good. This was true in Biblical times, as recorded in the Holy Bible, and is still true now. All true Christians who read this filth will be offended, as I am. All of the chosen people of God, (the Jewish people) those ones that take the laws of God seriously, at any rate, will be offended as well. By this action, you have sown evil. You will reep evil from this seed that you have sown. For as all seeds do when planted in good soil, it will yield a harvest, a harvest that you will have to reep. I do not mean to sound threatening. I am simply applying Biblical principles to this situation. As for David and Jonathon, they were not homosexual. The Bible would have recorded it if they were. Yes, David sined. He had sexual relations with another man's wife and had him killed so that he could have her, but he paid for his sins. God took the lives of his two sons as punishment for his sin. David did reep what he sowed. He sowed evil and reeped a full harvest of evil in time, even though the Bible called him at one point, a man after God's own heart. Yes, he fell, but he always got back up again. He always turned back to God. I'm giving an invitation now. Please. Asked Christ into your heart. Turn from your evil ways, and live for him. Simply pray this prayer. Lord Jesus Christ. I know that I am a sinner before God. I know that you came to this earth to die for my sins. You took my punishment. You rose on the third day. You conquered sin, death, and hell, as well as the grave. You said that you are the way, the truth, and the life, and that no man could come to the Father but by you. Lord I'm asking you now, wash me clean. Remove all of the sin in my life, come into my heart oh Lord. I surrender all of my life as well as all things, to you. Help me to live according to your will, not my own. I believe that you died, so that I might live. You took my punishment, so that I wouldn't have to. Yet, I know that if I do not accept this offer of grace, that I will have to take my own punishment, for I know that I am a sinner and can not save myself. I ask this in your precious name, amen. That prayer is a little elabirate, but you get the idea. Accept Jesus as your savior, Believe on him, and confess that you are a sinner. That's all there is to it. Simply ask and it will be given.
 

 
 

LOLWUT

This person can not spell anything. *reap, *elaborate, *sinned."


   
 
HOW DARE YOU WRITE SUCH AN ABOMINATION! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ANGRY GOD IS AT YOU RIGHT NOW! REPENT AND REMOVE THIS 'STORY' BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE AND YOU END UP IN HELL!
 

 
 

Anonymous

OH NOES We is fucked nao.


   
 
Dammit! I can do fag tricks better than anyone, and nobody's written one slashfic about me giving my best goatse for the Great Jesus H. Christ! I am so butthurt I could kill all of you with my crowbar, provided I can find where I hid it up inside my big fat piggie ass!
 

 
 

Sceptre

tl;dr: Successful troll is successful.

What can You Do?

Be creative. As they say, The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways. You can either troll the Christians and spamming their email with porn of Biblical people, or just Viagra adds. They need it anyways. Be sure to forward any and all bible slashfics you find to [email protected]

Or... leave many reviews to stories. “Reviews” could consist of memes, so keep some favorites in mind. Go and leave your mark in Bible Slash History!

Gallery

See Also

External Links

The LJ community

Bible section of FanFiction.Net

Bible section of AdultFanFiction.Net

biblesexstories.com

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[...and then there was a gay orgy.It was a dark and stormy night...]

Bible slash is part of a series on FanFiction

Fanfictemplateslash.png Enablers

deviantARTFanFiction.NetFimFictionFigmentTumblrFan HistoryFandom SecretsGoneGothicLiveJournalQuizillaSheezyArtStar Wars Fanon WikiTV TropesVanity PressUndesirable Number OneSethisto

Variety

BadficBible slashCrossoverFan ArtFanimeHetMary SueMpregShipSlashficSongficSteve JobsThom Yorke and Cheesecake

Stories

5-in-1 ExampleChristian Humber ReloadedCupcakesBeefcake.txtFlippy X Flaky X SplendidHow I Became YoursMidnight In The MorgueMy ImmortalMystere's Ban-Worthy FanficPower Rangers/Agony In PinkRobert Wayne StilesShades of AmbivalenceThe LiliadTWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W A VAMPIR

Authors

AniutqaDAJeni AnnAnnatar ScottAnthony 'A-Log' LoGattoAstrimaAzure-NeonDaniel BenfieldBleedmanChristian Weston ChandlerChikichakigirlPeter ChimaeraCircaRigelCyndilovespiccoloDaveykinsDeathyDisneyFan01DolphyDraco OokamiEdenHeroineGirlEddward4evaEdward ElricEsachasaGardenstatementGoddessMilleniaRaymond GarciaKevin HavensItachikunloverRay JonesJennifer Diane ReitzKamekoKawaii KitsuneKigichiKovu 01Kraken's ghostLittleCloudMemories-long-goneNicholas MorencyNebrisRyoukittenSaetoSailorMercury90SephirothslaveSharisasweetieSilver SerenSlash FirestormSnapesnoggerSonmanicSony-MaeSquirrelkingTodd666Urd-chanWaluigis-girlWhitedog1Yaminoeyes

Enemies

CanonConcentricusConstructive CriticsEmma DramaFandom_wankFanFic CriticFbr trashThe Great LiveJournal Strikethrough of 2007God Awful Fan FictionGrammar NazisHate artIFavTrashMsscribeMSTersNot-BobsOrg InfinityPokéclipseAnne RiceSpellcheckSuethors

See also But What Are Your Thoughts On Yaoi?

FandomFanfic lesbiansFantardNo lifeOriginal characterOriginal fictionPlagiarismSherlockPlot bunnySelf-insertWapaneseMy Little Pony