old; way old enough to know better than to be a faggot, which he totally is. His ongoing faggotry is well-documented, and includes serial journal and You Tube deletions, threats of litigaytion, meth use, alternative grammar, being a bear, and posting self porn that noone wants to see. KCFireplug puts the "awful" in ROFL.is
Quick message to KCFireplug: You can change your screen name as often as you like. KCFireplug, Bigboxbear, AlfredAnthony... it doesn't matter. It's effortless to change this article's title and add redirects. You might as well go back to being going back to the actual bong any day now:, since you'll be
You have no one to stop you. So quit changing names. Relax. We love you just the way you are.
- 1 The Beginning
- 2 The Bearbong Years
- 3 HOLY SHIT GUIDO DIED 3 Oct. 2007
- 4 Oops
- 5 KCFireplug: Jizz Mop
- 6 Between The Earth And The Moon
- 7 Astrology
- 8 Life in the Crazyverse
- 9 Delicious and Flavorful Quotes For You
- 10 Reaction To This Article
- 11 What's The Point?
- 12 In Conclusion
- 13 Aliases and Sock Puppets
- 14 LOLFats Gallery
There is no beginning. We know that he claims to have been present when the newborn intarweb was pulled squalling like a pickaninny out of a teenage black person (which explains his staggering number of journal abortions,) and that he is the alpha and omega of online douchenozzledom. He is infinite: whichever direction you look, all you see is a chain of sadness wrapped in a shimmering nimbus of lame.
He first came to our attention by doing porn. "Ah, but porn for whom?" you may ask, since noone likes hairy fatties with moobs. You're right to wonder, since everyone knows that the corpulent are scientifically unlovable. But it turned out that bears, having little discernment and zero dignity, were all over him like stink on shit. He, being a four-alarm faggot and therefore unable to say no to the cock, protected himself from the onslaught of bear attention the best way he knew how, by transforming himself into a barking, spitting, nutbag sociopath. With moobs.
The Bearbong Years
His first incarnation on LiveJournal was as Bearbong, a perfectly reasonable online handle sure to garner him the respect of worthwhile people. It was through this account that we discovered the truth behind his long-term, fucked up, asexual, symbiotic relationship with , who KCFireplug lovingly referred to as "the man I live with", or "Guido", or, nauseatingly, "Gweet".
KCFireplug and Guido met in the late eighties. They were drawn together by their mutual love of music, literature, alcohol, drugs, and fucking other fat guys. By the mid-nineties, they were a couple, with big, sloppy emphasis on the drugs and alcohol. When Guido's mother died, he suddenly found himself with a house and inheritance. KCFireplug, at the same time, suddenly found himself a meal-ticket, and quit working.
Things went quickly downhill. Guido quit working too. People who were close to them at the time mention that they stopped taking care of themselves, drank constantly, smoked heroic amounts of weed, and neglected the house. "Their house had 2 inches of mouse shit in all the corners," one ex-friend states. "Carpets reeked of dog piss. They had an industrial size trash can with no lid, right out in the kitchen." For five years, KCFireplug and Guido traveled all over the country, attending all the major, and several smaller bear runs, smoking, drinking, and fucking the entire time. The alcohol aged Guido prematurely, and started causing him health problems. Both men became diabetic.
Finally, the inheritance ran out. Collections agents starting calling. With no money left, they lost the house. Both of them had to scramble. Guido first found work at Waldenbooks, then spent time shrink-wrapping porn in an adult book shop (!!!), and finally landed a job stocking shelves at WalMart (which is better than one of the authors of this article, who is still unemployed and blowing sailors during Fleet Week for spare change and candy bars). KCFireplug found that he was well-nigh unemployable, and ran through a series of menial jobs, never lasting longer than a week at each. They moved into a cheap, nasty apartment. Both continued their drinking and dope fiendery.
Their families tried to help. They bought KCFireplug and Guido cars, which they also neglected and finally junked. KCFireplug, increasingly unstable, drove both families away with his erratic behavior. Ultimately, in 2005 or 2006, KCFireplug would, against his family's wishes, reveal to his sixteen year old cousin that his father was in fact his stepfather. His family would finally break off all contact with him for a year, only relenting when KCFireplug needed a ride to the Emergency Room, when he thought the local swimming pool had given him cellulitis.
Things unraveled. They broke up, but KCFireplug stayed in the apartment, as a roommate. Strangely, Guido felt responsible for him, sort of like a pet, and continued to pay his expenses. KCFireplug, returning the generosity of spirit, started looking for another sugar daddy. It wasn't a secret; Guido often knew what was going on, but friends say that he felt stuck. Inertia kept him from dumping KCFireplug completely, and finding a healthier relationship.
What KCFireplug tried to keep a secret was the way that he treated people. We knew that he misled people, lying about his relationship status, trying to find someone as monied as he had grown accustomed to, but we had no idea the number of men involved, and the depth of his deception. After we first posted this article, we received several emails. They all follow the same narrative:
After a couple of health scares, they tried to quit drinking and smoking. KCFireplug actually insisted on it since he knew that, until he replaced him, Guido was still his meal-ticket. To his credit, Guido was able to find sobriety. He was not, however, able to realize what a shit situation he was in and do something about it. KCFireplug continued sucking down the bonghits.
And that was the arrangement, for the remainder of the decade they lived together. KCFireplug never relented in his search for a replacement for Guido, but his brain damage and drug-induced paranoia wouldn't allow anyone to get too close. For his part, Guido felt responsible somehow, and was devoted to KCFireplug.
As cake as the arrangement was for KCFireplug, he still managed to fuck it up for himself occasionally. In 2006, unbeknownst to Guido, KCFireplug and two other guys planned to move to Chicago and rent a place together. When KCFireplug couldn't get his shit together, the other two moved without him. Several months passed, and after an argument one evening, KCFireplug announced in his journal that he was flouncing out of Guido's LJ community, apartment, and life 4EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!1!11! But when KCFireplug contacted the two guys in Chicago, asking when he could move in with them, he received an IRL banhammer in the form of a cordial invitation to fuck the hell off. Of course, Tony remembers things differently. Here, he rewrites history, trying to present himself in the best light he can:
Hey douchebag, the "something" in your mind that told you to wait? That was the friend that you fucked over, telling you never to call him again. And when you say that you never turned your back on Guido, does that include all the times you lied to people and changed your personal ad, saying that you were single?
Then KCFireplug killed Gweet with food like he did to his old something something something, which is to say Guido died.
HOLY SHIT GUIDO DIED 3 Oct. 2007
Our sympathy went out to you, KCFireplug. For three weeks. Now that you've gotten the fuck over it, we can continue.
When Guido died, KCFireplug went into high gear. The moment he returned home from the hospital, he changed his personal ad to reflect that he was single again. Then he locked down several of his LiveJournal posts, because that's the first thing you do when your life partner dies, and started writing a series of journal entries to rehab his image. The day after Guido died, KCFireplug, displaying his priorities, posted this:
Under that, he posted a video of himself badgering Guido into saying that he loved him. Guido is trying to watch the television off-camera, and is clearly annoyed. The video is...fucking creepy, actually.
Watch it here BALEETED.
Then things got seriously weird. He posted bizarre statements about Guido being God, that Guido was a Buddha, and finally, in a particularly lunatic screed, that Guido had become The Rocket Man. KCFireplug also started lying to his friends about the costs of Guido's obituary and cremation, massively inflating the figures, and setting up a PayPal account to beg for money.
Locals discovered that the truth was a little different: "Obituaries are handled through Classified Advertising and are accepted from and verified through funeral homes. Basic information is printed at no charge, including name, age, date of death, place of residence, place and cause of death, services, calling hours, suggestions for memorial contributions and whom to call about arrangements. Additional information will be published for a nominal charge. Telephone: 816-234-4470, Fax: 816-234-4467 Voice mail messages: 816-234-4478, Email: [email protected]"
At the same time, KCFireplug was picking internet fights with people he hadn't spoken to in months and years. One of them confronted him with his bullshit cost inflation, and KCFireplug responded:
Within ten minutes of this response, KCFireplug changed the LiveJournal post, stating that he had met the cremation and obit expenses, thank you very much, but he was still going to have trouble making rent and utilities, so could you please send more money? Eventually, pressure got him to remove the PayPal link entirely.
The next order of business was to get rid of Guido's fucking dog. KCFireplug wasn't very successful at hiding his hatred for Spud, Guido's dachshund, who, in his old age, was nearly blind, had health problems, and crapped in the apartment. KCFireplug stated once that he wished he could put diapers on Spud. In any case, the moment Guido died, Spud was out of there. He scraped the dog off onto its previous owner from twelve years before, posted a saccharine journal entry with a photo of himself looking even more Corky than usual, and started hunting for a "No Pets" apartment.
Spud is 17 years old. Dogs that old often don't survive losing their "pack" like this. Way to go.
KCFireplug is still stridently proclaiming his love for Guido, trying to re-write history, and he's just as sincere, every time. No really. It was love. As long as Gweet kept kicking down with the rent check every month, and KCFireplug got to sit around playing Wii in his muu-muu all day, it continued to be love. Of course, now that Guido is dead, KCFireplug really has to crank up the reality distortion field, rehabbing his image, since he's suddenly very dependent on the generosity of Guido's friends.
UPDATE: It keeps happening. If you can't read it, it's because his ad is locked down, which is something only sociopaths do, since it's a fucking personal ad and all, but ever since this article first ran, KCFireplug has changed his ad dozens of times. Check back periodically to watch it change. Sometimes it mentions Gweet. Sometimes it doesn't. Often it reads like the UnaCakester Manifesto and, like everything KCFireplug does, is tl;dr. Compare and contrast the following two examples:
...and then ONLY SIX DAYS LATER:
ProTip: If anyone invokes The Indian In The Cupboard to explain how much they love you, set them on fire.
KCFireplug reproduced. The less said about it, the better, but sometime before the gayness completely overtook him, he managed to lock the wheels on some manatee cripplechick's chair, and before she could drag herself away with her nearly useless flippers, KCFireplug mounted up and got hisself some sweet, sweet, paraplegic vagine. Only the best for our hero.
In his defense, KCFireplug probably thought she wanted it, like all rape victims do. "She was asking for it," he said afterward. "I'm pretty sure she was crying YES tears, and not NO tears. Anguished, horrified sobbing is normal during sex, right?" he added.
Eleven months later (the obese gestate longer) she shat out the inevitable result of KCFireplug's crime against biology. Let us be clear on the subject: the child was not a "surprise", or an "accident", or any other charitable euphemism. This child was a mistake. It's just a matter of time before it dons its first fursuit, and right now the greatest kindness anyone could perform would be to dispatch it with a blow to the head, like the sick, mewling calf it is. It's okay, though; fatties don't feel pain like regular people.
Of course, since he is unemployable, KCFireplug is just one more deadbeat dad that nobody can count on for financial support, so his offspring and its mother must live in near-Calcutta squalor. Awesome.
UPDATE: Even more awesome, reliable sources revealed that after Gweet died, KCFireplug planned to move in with this woman and unfortunate child, to save rent. Request: DENIED. Find your own hovel, leech.
KCFireplug: Jizz Mop
We refer to KCFireplug's unemployability, but it turns out that he is good for something: wiping up other men's semen.
KCFireplug was such a frequent patron of Erotic City, Kansas City's favorite adult arcade and dildo emporium, that they offered him a job working "security", which as we all know is shorthand for "jizz mop". Every night, KCFireplug "The Scud" Scudiero found himself with a mop and a bucket, swabbing out the gooey insides of the store's many arcade booths, tastefully arranging their collection of high-end artisan butt plugs, taking out the garbage, and many other duties befitting the talents of someone who "graduated at the top of [his] class in the nation's fifth-ranking music school." Occasionally, during his diligent rounds, KCFireplug would stumble across an errant rock of crystal meth, but he always, ALWAYS disposed of it. Because he has NEVER TRIED METH. And certainly none of this had anything to do with his being shitcanned for failing a drug test. At all.
After he lost his enviable job as town cum rag, KCFireplug found himself unemployable again, so Guido had to stretch his Walmart salary to cover all of their rent, which equals they lived in a shitty apartment complex with Mexicans. Rumor has it that KCFireplug whores himself out to local spics on the down-low, for whatever wadded up, sweaty bills they may have on them, which is never much. Honestly, what are they going to pay him with? The field cabbage they picked that morning? We do not think so. They need that to make the fecal-smelling food that Mexicans reek up all section 8 housing with.
UPDATE: Tony got another job. Apparently he works at some restaurant (not his family's, since they don't speak to him,) where he claims to walk 25 miles a day. "Miles", like "vegan", is another word he doesn't seem to understand. Let's hope they whip basic hygiene into him, before a customer gets crabs that they didn't order.
Between The Earth And The Moon
KCFireplug also fancies himself a new-age music composer. Go ahead. Watch his fucking dog video. We dare you. His recordings are so John fucking Tesh awful that they defy mockery. To listen to them is to lose one's will to live; you can actually feel yourself dying as he performs them. His mindless "Variations on an Arpeggio", or the soul-destroying "Ineptitude in D minor", will have you praying for the sweet release that only death can bring. We'd rather listen to Harlequin_Ichthyosis_Fetus squish excrement between its vestigial fingers.
Lastly, KCFireplug is an astrology adherent. We didn't even need to tell you that, did we. You knew he was going to be into astrology, and healing crystals, and chakras, and every other stripe of new age bullshit and chowderheaded mysticism out there, just going by the shit you've already read. It just fucking figures, you know?
Life in the Crazyverse
There is tons of KCFireplug drama out there, somewhere, cached, we're sure. He is walking dramarrhea. But KCFireplug is such a pussy crybaby that he deletes everything as soon as he posts it, depriving us of our deserved and well-earned lulz by banishing the drama to the Crazyverse, where KCFireplug currently resides.
- In the Crazyverse, it is right to submit a post to a mailing list of recipe swappers, screaming that "WHEAT IS POISON", like the most obnoxiously fervent 13-year old Pro-Ana cheerleader. It is also good to act butthurt and shocked when people react negatively. Flouncing from the mailing list is excellent form.
- In the Crazyverse, when ALL_CAPS SHOUTING at random online strangers in random communities that DIABEETUS KILLS, please be sure to have at least two unironic gainer/feeder YouTube videos of yourself chowing down on Hostess Donettes and lo mein. It is polite.
- In the Crazyverse, while experiencing depression, there is no irony in shitting on the depressed!
- In the Crazyverse, while you weigh 350+ lbs, there is no irony in shitting on other fat people! In fact, asking someone if he is going to kill his new boyfriend with food, like he did to his old boyfriend, is downright neighborly. (UPDATE: This actually turned out to be true. A reliable source has provided videotaped evidence of Boyfriend A stabbing Boyfriend B to death with a baked potato.)
- In the Crazyverse, after contributing almost daily to a "Hot Or Not" type personals community for the porky furball set, it is customary to suddenly turn on everyone for doing the same thing you had been doing for months. Bonus points for doing it bipolar frenzy style.
- In the Crazyverse, please lie to diabetic communities about being able to control your disease with diet and exercise. It adds a desirable patina of sanctimony to everything you say, which is always the goal. When someone confronts you about your crappy, sugar-loaded diet, however, tell them to fuck off, because your meds take care of it.
- In the Crazyverse, if someone disagrees with you, threaten them. Even better: post a video of yourself playing the theme to Halloween on your Casio while petulantly glaring at the cam. Your strident message of "Emotionally, I'm Twelve" will be heard loud and clear.
- In the Crazyverse, the soul of wit is tl;dr.
- In the Crazyverse, if something doesn't taste right, for God's sake, keep eating it.
- You are not alone in the Crazyverse.
- Please, while visiting the Crazyverse, keep reminding people that you are no longer listening to them. Keep repeating until you win. (Especially effective against trolling.)
- Enjoy your stay in the Crazyverse, but remember: nothing is ever your fault. When you treat people like shit, explain that the other you did it. Or the old you. Or the evil Captain Kirk. But not you, because you've already moved on! You are, after all, a Gemini. Doesn't that make perfect sense now?
- In the Crazyverse, if no one will forgive you anymore... forgive yourself! That was easy!
Delicious and Flavorful Quotes For You
—KCFireplug, on compassion after the death of a loved one.
—KCFireplug, waxing TMI about Guido's death.
—KCFireplug, becoming progressively more delusional.
—KCFireplug, who later claimed "I've never touched anything harder than marijuana."
—KCFireplug, on diplomacy.
—KCFireplug, on holy shit.
—KCFireplug, making even less sense in context.
—KCFireplug, actually milking himself for lulz.
—KCFireplug, perhaps experiencing Unrealistic_Expectations.
—KCFireplug, on his diabeetus (after eating an entire box of Oreo Cakesters).
—KCFireplug. on his three month stint as a jizz-mop.
—KCFireplug, on the internet belonging to him.
—KCFireplug, on who the fuck knows what.
—KCFireplug on teaching us how to be a better person.
Reaction To This Article
Reactions have been mixed. Of course, KCFireplug crapped his muu-muu, and Gweet invoked Godwin's Law within eight seconds of hearing about the article. Then, the night after this article's first (and what was supposed to be last) update, Gweet up and freakin' died.
In the meantime, many rich and soul-nourishing lulz were had, and for that we are thankful. Don't ever change KCFireplug! Seriously!
- wasn't impressed with the article. This perhaps reflects poorly on our writing, but probably has more to do with his congenital humorlessness. His turn-ons include 80's glasses, Koppel hair, not getting the joke, liars, deadbeat dad apologists, and getting the living fuck trolled out of him. , one of KCFireplug's most ardent panty-huffers,
After Guido's death, we caught this interesting exchange betweenand :
At first this confused us.replaced Guido? The very next day? You two barely know each other! You've never met!
Then we realized that "You're my best friend" is the sweet opening refrain of KCFireplug's "Can I move in with you?" mating ritual song. If you ever hear its dulcet tones, you must run. Run as far as your little legs can carry you.
- Dyke and perma-victim was not amused with this article. This surprised exactly no one. also
(DELETED), a sad footnote in even his own life, continued here with his long tradition of weighing in on topics he doesn't understand. Some people just gotta say something, but really, it's best not to underscore your broad-spectrum irrelevance by prefacing an opinion with, "I don't know the subject of this shitstorm... ". Can you see how that might undermine whatever point you may think you have? He also says, "Yeah, I'll be honest - it's probably hard for me to be objective about this, because I have been on the other side of something EXACTLY like this."
Really? You stuffed your lover's inheritance into a bong and sucked it down for a couple of years until he lost his house, and then spent the next decade manipulating him until you could replace him with another sugar daddy by lying to men about your relationship status and joblessness, hoping they'd take you in and continue to cover your expenses? And then after your meal-ticket died, you flushed his dog down the toilet, went on a berserk rampage through your apartment trying to find his hidden credit cards, and lied to the few remaining friends you had about his obit and cremation costs, gouging them for cash? And people got so fed up with your shit, that you finally earned a write-up in Encyclopedia Dramatica?
Oh, wait, no. You got made fun of in high school. We can see why you've held onto that anguish all these years; high school teasing is an extreme rarity. You were teased for being gay? Yeah, that never happened to any of us. You're such a special fucking snowflake.
In any case, as usual, no comments allowed. Blow it out OUR ass, tough guy? Seems you've been blowing it out yours. Keep typing, bro.
- Benign irritant and peroxide casualty here, flouncing afterward here, and working "with fucking kids" here,) disappointed us all by refriending KCFireplug, and offering to be his internet hugbox. In his offer, he mentions KCFireplug's "online battles and bloodshed." LOL INTERNETS BLOOD (who, as , can be seen failing at internet
Along with an aggressively boring YouTube account and top secret AIDS, Excalibore has a non-stop fapfest podcast, just like his heroes & Company, who thoughtfully provide us with our Recommended Daily Allowance of lame dick puns and giggling. It is always the case, that those with the least to say, are the ones with a goddamn podcast. b-Talk! Now 75% Forced Laughter At Our Own Limp Jokes!
Anyway, we were so horrified by Excalibore's involvement that we had to post this link to his XTube fap video.
Go ahead. Indulge. LOL DELETED. Apparently Excalibutthurt, who "works with fucking kids" at Build-A-Bear Workshop in Northpark Center mall in Dallas, didn't want his wank video to get out, going so far as to vandalize this article on multiple occasions, and threatening Girlvinyl with a lolsuit, which can only mean that he didn't read the directions. Since he wants to help out so bad, here's a screencap:
Speaking of Dallas: It's pretty tough to stand out in a town that dumptrucks assloads of idiot into its water supply every morning, butmanages the trick pretty well. We also love how the pussies who do the most tough-guy "Don't like what I have to say? Then FUCK OFF!" posturing in the LJ playground are the fastest to delete their shit. Still want to play, Excalibitch?
- KCFireplug lost many LJ friends over this too, but gained even more, which is quite illuminating. Bears are suckers for this shit. Representative of the friends he gained is 29 year old AIDS-farm , who is clearly provoking us with unironic journal entries like:
Look, you do your job, and let us do ours. We don't need underhand lobs like that.
What's The Point?
We keep hearing this. "What's the point in continuing the drama? Why can't you just let it go? Why do you have to sink to his level? Why can't you wah wah wah wah LET PEACE BEGIN WITH ME, AND SAVE THE DRAMA FOR YOUR LLAMA'S MAMA because every fucking thought passing through my microcephalic head was read to me from a bumper sticker."
We have heard your plaintive, annoying cries, and we respond. The point is, we're tired. We want to move on. We would like to focus our attention on worthier things. We would like, just once, for a single season to pass without one of you fat, ungroomed idiots bleating in your journals about how bad KCFireplug fucked you over. Just once, we'd like a few months to go by without getting pulled into his loathsome brand of crazy, by you pinheads squalling "Can you believe what KCFireplug said/did this time?????!!!!"
Yes. We can believe it. It's KCFireplug. It's what he does. It's not a secret. He gets you to trust him, and then he fucks you over. He's mean. What's more, you were warned. But you... you were shiny and special and exempt, weren't you. KCFireplug would never do something like that to you. Sound familiar? And then several months later, you're bawling in your Live Journal about how the hot, stinging tears are burning your face, your asshole hurts so goddamned bad.
We're sick of you. THIS IS YOUR WARNING: When KCFireplug fucks you over, you officially have to shut the fuck up about it. You get no pity. You get referred back to this article, with triumphant glee. Soup Time Is Over.
This article could have been nothing but screencaps of vile shit that KCFireplug has said in just the past year, and still some of you would read it, thinking, "I don't know KCFireplug and I don't want to know him. But whoever wrote that article is FULL OF RAGE, and HATE, and is UGLY ON THE INSIDE, and I don't want anything to do with him either."
So. You won't have anything to do with KCFireplug, which is the entire point, and as an added bonus, you won't be talking to us either? We'd say that was pretty much mission fucking accomplished, wouldn't you?
KCFireplug is looking more and more like a drunk hobo with every passing day. It seems Gweet really was his conscience, as vestigial as it was. KCFireplug will eventually dissolve his liver, or he will continue providing us with the lulz forever. Either fate comforts us.
Aliases and Sock Puppets
- http://bearbong.livejournal.com/ (hijacked)
http://HuskyInKS.livejournal.com/BALEETED! http://Bigboxbear.livejournal.com/BALEETED! http://bigbox360.livejournal.com/BALEETED!
- http://alfredanthony.livejournal.com/ (homosexual)
- http://ranger235.livejournal.com/ (pointless)
- http://www.xtube.com/amateur_channels/amateur.php?u=TonyBearUSA (my eyes!!!)
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|Featured article October 18, 2007|