Bill Hicks

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Info non-talk.png Not to be confused with a very similar-looking fat conspiracy-obsessive called Alexander Emerick Jones, even though they are, in fact, the same person


Well, yeah, he is. Of CANC0RZ!
He did smoking jokes and died of cancer. Now THAT'S funny.

Bill Hicks was a chubby, unfunny, autistic comedian/douchebag from around 100 years ago who is notable for dying of aids before he could hit the big time and sell out like a bitch. Of course Hollywood didn't care, since in his short time on Earth, Hicks spawned a wave of underage fanboys. Hicks was noted for his love of corporate America, and often took money from Right Wing groups to fund his tours. He Hated drug users and correctly thought of psychedelic culture as being backwards thinking hippy bullshit, which is funny since a lot of fried out hippys who are fans of the crappy whine-rock band tool profess to love Bill Hicks.

Hicks's gimmick, before dying of herpes, was that he talked about how dumb rednecks were, complaining about how Iraq War I was nothing more than George Bush Senior showing to the world how big his penis was, his hatred for Republicans (being one of the first comedians to introduce the concept of Lemonparty to the masses, via a bit involving Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Dan Quayle and Rush Limbaugh having shit/piss themed sex parties), and celebrity bashing (envisioning Jay Leno committing suicide by sticking an Uzi in his mouth live on TV, calling George Michaels gay, Debbie Gibson and Tiffany 69ing each other), and whining about how celebrities who do commercials deserve to be shot in the back of the skull. But his most famous bit was his mocking of non-smokers, not knowing that fate was gearing up to kick him in the ass by giving him pancreatic cancer (though lung cancer would have been funnier and much more ironic).


   
 
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly colored and it's very loud and it's fun -- for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question. "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we... we kill those people.
 

 
 

—Bill Hicks

Cancerboy Himself

Bill Hicks has been performing gigs at this spot since 1994 and most people think it's an improvement on his older material

After dying of Cancer, his gimmick became him having his asshole eaten by maggots as his brains liquified and poured out of his decaying skull. Critics often hail this as far superior lulz than the material he used on stage. While he was alive, nobody gave a fuck about him, as people instead jacked off to Andrew Dice Clay instead. Clay used the same dirty language as Hicks but talked mainly about fucking women instead; ironically Clay never caught AIDS from his talk about sex, proving that smoking is more dangerous than bareback fucking 1000 whores. As such, as soon as Hicks died(of cancer), his five or six fans proclaimed that he came into the world too soon and started tarring and feathering the career of Denis Leary, the only Hicks copycat who went on to have anything remotely resembling a career. Leary, who does not have Cancer like Bill Hicks did (yet), knows that he is a huge fraud of epic proportions, and try's to make up for his lack of creativity by engaging in a vast amount of charity work, while shitting on Hicks' grave to bait the Hicks fanboys by being a douche towards their idol, who died of Cancer.

Because Hicks (who died of cancer) was too drunk to complete an average 15 minute set, he was forced to slum in England, where drunkenly slurring and yelling at the audience for booing is considered the height of comedy. Only David Letterman, who seems to be Cancer -free, would give him airtime, as if further evidence of Letterman's faggotry were needed. Hicks was also one of the first known cancer rats

Although the Cancer ridden Hicks was too drunk/stoned/tripping balls to get work while he was not dead because of cancer, quite the opposite has occurred since he's been put in the ground. Spurned by an ex-producer anxious to earn a living pimping his Cancer eaten corpse, Billy the dead Cancer boy, has now gained quite a cult following and is idolized by millions of junior college fags on the internet who have a disturbing necrophiliac lust for Hicks' decaying, Cancer filled, cock. This legion of gullible shitheads will take every opportunity to misquote Hicks and get into pointless arguments proclaiming Hicks as the ZOMG BEST COMMEDIEN EVAR!!!!1!!1ONE. They seem to think that their fanboyism for Hicks somehow makes them edgy, smart, and discerning individuals, but in reality, they're still just unfunny nerds spewing bullshit on the internet and would get bitchslapped by Hicks had he not died of cancer. Of course, if Bill Hicks was alive today, he would have inevitably would have sold out to the man and have his own sitcom on CBS, where he would be playing Neil Patrick Harris's womanizing, cigar-smoking, a-hole father on "How I Met Your Mother" for big bucks.

Goat Boy

One of Hicks' alter egos was a furfag goat by the name of Goat Boy who would go around looking for sex with loli. No, seriously, guys, look.

Goat Boy

Unfortunately, this schtick was copied by pothead comedian Jim Breuer on SNL more than a decade ago:

The Bill Hicks-Alex Jones Connection

There are some pretty stark similarities between Hicks and conspiracy theorist lulz-generator Alex Jones. Want know moar? Just watch the damn vidya:


Denis Leary, aka Nutra-Hicks

Denis Leary: Bill Hicks minus the funny, and minus the Cancer.
Louie CK's message to Leary

Cancerfree, Irish sodomite, Denis Leary, stole a lot of Bill's jokes. It is currently unknown why Dennis Leary never stole Bill Hicks funniest joke: Dying of Cancer Later, on his 9-11 masturbation-centric show "Rescue Me", did a storyline where his character, after systematically stalking his estranged wife and terrorizing her because she dared try and divorce him, raped her and made her fall back in love with him by way of fucking her against her will.

Leary, who failed to be as good as Hicks at getting Cancer and dying, has even gone so far as to try to troll IRL Bill Hicks's tumor ridden corpse with a routine called "No Cure for Cancer". However, the act fell flat because Leary did not finish the routine by blowing his head off with a shotgun at the end, something that critics to this day believe would have made the routine actually entertaining.


   
 
I have a scoop for you. I stole his [Leary's] act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did
 

 
 

—Bill Hicks

A real "asshole"

Last Thursday on the Opie and Anthony radio show, it was revealed that the song "I'm An Asshole", which defined Leary's career, wasn't even his own; the idea was originally thought up by Louis CK. Leary decided to take a page out of the Dane Cook playbook, stealing one of Louie's bits and passing it off as his own.

Louie calls out Leary

Two months later, after being exposed as a hack, he went on the same show and tried to discredit Louie's story with a much weaker one, making Leary into a massive fucktard once again.

Leary admitting he's a thief

His Best Work


A female fan telling him the truth.

FREEBIRD!

Faggoty Musicians and How They Swing From Hicks's Dead Scrotum

Devotees of Hicks have copypasta'd his life into their shitty music. Soundbytes of Cancerboys' drug induced rantings, has found its way into many shitty art pieces. His influence on Tool is well known to fags, furries, and intellectuals. After seeing how much money Tool made by sucking on the tumor ridden ass of Bill Hicks, The Britfag group Radiohead dedicated their second and third album to Hicks, who died of cancer. Other shitty musicians have dedicated albums to him and written songs about him. But no one has ever brought themselves to care about those fags, so why waste your time putting their shitty sounding names on here.


Death


P.S.: Diagnostic tests suggest that Cancer might have been a factor in Leary's untimely demise.

See also

Links

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