BLACK METAL IST KRAP
Despite the name, black metal is not heavy metal music made by niggers much as how 80's fags,try to pigeon hole the group Living Colour into this genre despite them, at best, being Glam. Black metal is instead an offshoot of heavy metal, coming deep from the bowels of Norway (where every church has 3rd degree burns) and developed by Satanists, virgin faggoths who decided that death metal wasn't retarded enough. Proving just what lemmings they are, this music has recently become immensely popular among 13-year-old boys on the internets. Despite this, Black metal was never popular even during the genre's heyday, due to the emphasis on "kvlt", which the artists define as "doing it for the music and not the money", but what everyone else defines as "not going to make any money anyway".
How to become tr00 kvlt
To be tr00 kvlt you must look the part, act the part, have virginity firmly intact, a band, a side-project, a solo-project, and around thirty or so other groups that you occasionally do work for as a session musician. This helpful guide will give you some insights how.
Learn to black metal
Black metal is empowering. Black metal does not mean Nigger metal, NO NIGGERS ALLOWED IN BLACK METAL FUCK NIGGERS THEY DIE (Also no Jews plz) To be tr00 kvlt you don't actually have to listen to black metal. If you can screech in a high-pitched rasp into your computer's microphone you've already won half the battle. No need to deal with boring shit like talent, tonality, or actually being able to play a musical instrument. Just simulate guitar and drums by recording static and clicking the top of a pen near the mic respectively. Remember, there is artistic merit to noise and atonality, but for additional kvlt points you must never, under any circumstances, be familiar with any of the reasons why this is true and understand absolutely none of the theory behind it. 90% of the black metal musician's (read: misnomer) job during an interview is to be able to pull pseudo-philosophical bullshit out of your ass. The remaining 10% will either be used for causing drama with other bands or talking shit about how Christian black metal and newfags are ruining the movement.
However, there are a few things you really need to keep in mind to be a moar tr00 kvlt vo'killist. When recording your vocals you should remember that death metal is the genre of men sounding like the cookie monster choking on semen; whereas black metal is diverse and varied enough that your vocals may either sound like The Wicked Witch of the West or Rita Repulsa choking on semen. If you must cut your balls off and become a woman to do this, so be it.
Remember, black metal is only partially about the music and acting like an elitist musical bastard. To be truly tr00 kvlt you must also dress the part! The typical trailer-trash clothes of regular metal were thrown out in favor of bondage gear, faggoth face paint, and lots of spikes...hard, juicy, comforting
phallic symbols spikes. Well over 9000 articles of black metal clothing can be found at Hot Topic, although black metal musicians will never admit it. Bonus points abound if you make this shit yourself using a regular black arm warmer and rusted nails that your dad said you could use.
Moar black metal fashun tips!
- Watch The Crow.
- Masturbate over how many girls this will get you.
- Now that you're satisfied begin the next phase. Grow your hair long, never fucking wash it or else you're a Christian.
- This is a long process; you may want to either purchase a wig, wear a hat, or comb it over your fucking face like the emo pussy you are.
Buy steel toed boots and spikes at Hot TopicMake gauntlets yourself out of construction paper and thumbtacks, pussy! Also, boots are too heavy and will tear the atrophied muscles buried under the pounds of cankle fat that most fucktards who listen to black metal will have built up -- wear black tennis shoes or crocs instead.
- Along with the boots and spikes, wear shitty black jeans and a random band shirt. Bonus points if the t-shirt isn't actually from a metal band.
After you have completed this you may go find moar interracial porn to aid in fapping, you are now at last tr00 kvlt!
Additional band help
- Find friends who have long hair. If you can't find any friends (likely), then form a one man band like hardcore Black Metaller Varg Vikernes.
- Buy a drum machine or use the midi you found in the tab program you downloaded to help write your shitty music down.
- Purchase the cheapest amp and the second cheapest guitar from a nigger.
- Find a bassist, then kill him or drive him to self-pwn. Bass is for faggots anyway, turn that fucking treble up moar!
- Write several songs about Vikings, winter, nature, paganism, Satan, Hitler, or Satanic-Pagan Nazi Vikings in wintery nature.
- Kill yourself. You'll go down in Black Metal history as a kvlt god and they will wish you well in Valhalla.
- Form a band. Be sure to include an anti-Christian reference or uber grimm nordic speak in your name. If you can't think of a name, use this Band Name Generator. Protip: Euronymous will rise from the dead and rape your asshole if you decide to include non-evil words.
Practice the three guitar chords you learnedLOL!!!11 DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS! Practice requires you to get up off your ass and do something. And three chords is three chords moar than you actually need to play black metal. Just start fantasizing about how your band will lead to you getting back at all the jocks that beat you up; success with all the girls you never had the courage to even talk to; and your dad letting you stay out past 10.
- Take pictures of a dead bandmate and use it for cover art. If you're too lazy to do that, take pictures of a goat; the number 666, or a picture of that girl you like only photoshopped so it looks like she's covered in blood.
- Remove teeth of said bandmate and turn each one into a necklace for friends.
- Record your music in a cave or your mom's garage.
- One album is enough. But 100 demos are bare minimum. After the album, only release demos on cassette tapes, preferably limited to 666 copies on badly xeroxed covers with pixelated artwork.
- Re-release the album at least ten years later. Like the above, limit them to 666 copies and smear/number them in your own blood. This guarantees transmission of moar AIDS and it's already been done by another band so you know it's grim 'n' nekro 'n' stuff.
- For lulz! Amass a huge following (roughly eight-ten people) and become an industrial band after ten years. Suddenly tens of thousands of people who weren't fans before will start proclaiming their heart-break over you changing genres on them. This will result in a great boost in popularity amongst goths towards your newer work and in the sale of your old black metal albums amongst everyone who is butthurt over this page.
Black metal is exemplified almost entirely by its visual aspect, and thus every black metal musician dresses like a 15 year old goth kid who stole his dad's credit card.
Black metal fans are obsessed with being "true" (or "tr00"), and are viciously territorial and elitist. Newly created black metal bands can be seen with slogans such as "True *Insert location* Black Metal". The biggest lulz example of this is from a Melbourne Black Metal band with the slogan "True Northcote Black Metal". Northcote being a scummy suburb in northern Melbourne, where rapists and pedophiles have the highest winz record.
Most fans have faux-evil screen names like "christkiller", "Goatlust666" or "HotTopicShopper", despite this enticing behavior, most won't lose their virginity until the age 25, when they finally get up the nerve to pick up a prostitute.
Trolling a black metal fan is rather easy. Bash Darkthrone, Mayhem, or Immortal. Talk about how great Cradle of Filth is.
Give them a steal their coupon to Hot Topic. These trolling techniques, and many more, will provoke almost all black metallers into a fit of rage. Be warned that some especially tr00 black metal fans aren't kidding about that whole evil priest burning stuff. Don't be surprised if in retaliation for your trolling, you get a really nasty PM in your inbox. They may even tell their mom on you.
The battle-cry of the black metal fanboy is "SELLOUT!", similar to the furfags "FURSECUTION!" Once a black metal artist becomes better known, the kvltfags will flock to the artist's Last.fm page and proceed to bitch about the band selling out in a wank of nerd rage. Black metal fans often get into heated arguments about which band is more kvlt or whether a band is too mainstream, mainstream being defined as having sold more than two copies of their album.
This cycle of elitism continues until the black metal fan will only listen to the kvltest band from Kyrgyzstan. One of the fan's favorite phrases is "then black metal is not for you." This is said as a response if you claim to enjoy the music for what it is, instead of reading into it a lot of bullshit philosophy about being better than everyone else because you shop at Hot Topic.
Black metal fans can be found just about anywhere, although Facebook and LiveJournal are generally not "kvlt" enough for them (alhough oddly enough, the food court at mall is). Your best bet for finding them are special-interest boards, Hot Topic, or in the back seat of mom's minivan. Video games, science fiction and especially fantasy events are full of black metal fans. Any Yu-Gi-Oh-related forums are guaranteed to be swarming with them, so bring your mace.
TRVE KVLT Black Metal Videos
Trolling A Black Metal Fan
Note1: All of the below will cause instant lulz and drama. If you see black metal fans with axes and pitchforks outside your window, GTFO!
Note2: You will not see black metal fans with axes and pitchforks, because they don't sell those at Hot Topic.
- Tell them Slipknot is best black metal band ever.
- Say that Living Colour is the best Black metal Band ever.
- Tell them at one point, their mother gave a wet, sloppy blowjob to their father. This has nothing to do with death metal, it's just a general way to fuck with someone.
- Tell them that since Satan belongs to the Christian pantheon, that makes them actual Christians.
- Ask them "If they're black metal, then why are they white?"
- Ask them why they copy Black Veil Brides and Blood on the Dance Floor.
- Tell them the only true black metal band is Mystifier.
- Say Dimmu Borgir and Cradle of Filth are real black metal.
- Tell them their pretend evilness looks really stupid on anyone over the age of 15.
- Comment on how strikingly similar their facepaint looks to Insane Clown Posse.
- Say Justin Bieber, Black Veil Brides, or One Direction are better than black metal, and they have the record sales to prove it.
- Tell them Primus has the best bass ever, and that Black Metal could learn a thing or two from them.
- Remark that Xasthur or Leviathan is emo.
- Tell them Immortal is serious business.
- Argue that all black metal is emo, especially Depressive Suicidal Black Metal.
- Tell them that Black Metal and Death Metal are sub-genres of Screamo.
- Tell them that Happy Days, Deep-Pression and related are among your favorite DSBM bands.
- Tell them that Varg got what was coming to him.
- Tell them that Euronymous got what was coming to him.
- Use words like kvlt, gr1m, frostbitten, tr00, and vnholy in Metal-Archives forums or any metal forums.
- Remind them about how Gaahl came out of the closet.
- If the above doesn't work, tell them King and Gaahl are Gorgoroth.
- Ask them how they reconcile the everlasting darkness of their soul with the fact they work 10 hours a week at Cinnabon.
- Tell them that the upside-down cross is a Christian symbol.
- Tell them new Satyricon is better than old.
- Say Frost is a bad drummer.
- Say Blast beats take no talent.
- Tell them that Venom is black metal.
- Say that Agalloch and Woods of Ypres are Hipster Black Metal.
- Comment on how Black Metal vocals sound an awful lot like a 60 year old man taking a shit.
- Ask if they're going to a Kiss concert if they're in make up.
- Ask them if they know King Diamond. If they do, call them faggots. If they don't, call them posers.
- Tell them that Fuse is a mere copycat of MTV.
- Also mention that Fuse is now shitting out more pop and rap music than metal music.
- Tell them you consider gingers to be the most racially pure whites and not blond/e bimbos most of the metal-fuck-heads were before they dyed their hair black 
- Black Metal girl sucks a black cock
- Livejournal - A parody community; ironically enough, this is the most active Black Metal-related community on
- discussion community - A general BM
- Black metal fans talk politics. May cause severe brain hemorrhaging, view at your own risk.
- Metal Archives, which started out as a catalog of heavy metal releases, but is now a breeding ground for black metal trolls.
- Website of a typical black metal band.
- 12 reasons why you should think a man is awesome for cutting himself up, kissing other men and being an all round douchebag.
- Black metal morons creating drama and lulz.
- moar lulz!!
- Facebook drama.
- I AM EMERNA
- Shagrath from Dimmu Borgir also knows how to
- Hipster Black Metal
- True black metal band/song name generator
- Their verison of Hot or Not
- The Wall Street Journal trolls black metal. Perhaps the second best BM related troll.
- Torrent with the swedish parody band Sportlov: "Snöbollskrieg" and "Offerblod i Vallabod".
Black Metal is part of a series on
Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage.
|Black Metal is part of a series on
[Embrace your inner darkness]
|Featured article June 5, 2011|
|Black Metal||Succeeded by|