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The blogosphere is perhaps the quintessential example of a castle in the air. Everyone wanted to read blogs and everyone wanted to write blogs in the years 2006-2010. The media told us they would replace newspapers and magazines. But no one seemed to get anything out of the blogs. Most people can say that a book, a Wiki or a forumpost pushed their life in a new direction, but the same thing can not be said about blogs they visited. Blogs were prophesized to replace newspapers and magazines. What went wrong? To answer this question we must first ask ourselves: What is a blog? It is a website maintained by an individual, clique or organization for the purpose of posting (amateurish) articles about a(n) (un)specific subject. Hang on there, a website maintained by an individual! Blogging is just a toolkit for creating amateur websites – a concept we rejected in the early 2000s in favour of Wikis and web communities. All they did was generate a vertical pane, add funky colors, and change the name from "Guestbook" to "Comments". And what was the medias stake in all this? If you don't report news that are not really news, then you can compensate by saying things exist that don't (i.e lie).
Here are the necessary ingredients for a a successful blog.
- Nothing Make your blog as barren as possible. Then quit while you are ahead.
- Everything and nothing Write about a broad topic such as Apple and never narrow it down. This will make sure you don't know what the fuck you are talking about, so everything becomes fan wank. When writing a personal blog mention everything you like, because the whole of mankind has exactly the same taste as you.
- Uninspired information Don't become a sellout by telling a story or in another regard try to please the reader. Instead, each time you think "Hey look at this random thing I for a total arbitrary reason find interesting", add it to the blog.
- Unupdated information Make sure you never update regularly.
- Uncopyedited information Don't think about what makes literature good – Instead just scribble all you have to say down and call it a day.
- Microblog (brief text or low-fi picture + weblog) Exactly what the name suggests. Almost everyone microblogs with the help of Twitter or Instagram. These are internally linked microblogging services which are made to make it easier to stalk and cyber bully celebrities.
- Vlog - (video + weblog) a weblog consisting of videos of a fat idiot responding to some faggot (see YouTube).
- Photoblog - (photograph + weblog) a weblog primarily consisting of photographs (see Jameth and camwhore).
- Imageblog - (image + weblog) a weblog showing images, especially ones the author found somewhere on the internet (see Spaceghetto).
- Moblog - (mobile + weblog) a weblog updated from a mobile device. This is now an obsolete term because everyone uses Twitter or Instagram. It also a gay term because no one ever used it.
"Blogs," as weblogs are more commonly known, come in variety of flavors.
- Literature and The Arts
- Philosophy and Theology
- Journal i.e. Blather Log
- Author Profile: Likes mirrors, masturbates so often is becoming bored with it
- Typical Talking Point: Blah blah blabbittyblahblah blah blah ME!
- Representative Public Reply: OMG! I know what you mean!!! Once I blahblah blahbittyblah blah blah ME!
- Note that journalists like LJ users sometimes react violently when others accuse them of keeping a diary. Blogs clearly are nowhere near as interesting as someone's diary, consisting of 50 memes and pictures of the author costumed in full furry regalia.
The Proper Way To Vlog
- Don't. But if you must:
- Remember to never rehearse for your cam whore vlog. After all, this is the real you that they want to see, not some rehearsed, well-delivered speech.
- So never edit even a single second out of your video. Your every "ummm" and "so... what else?" and "what was I talking about?", and long gaps of dead air are all crucial to the real message that is insight into the real you! Don't mess with perfection, babe.
- Don't make direct eye contact with the camera for more than one second unless you are very angry. This gives the impression that you are "staring down" the audience and that makes them nervous.
- Don't sit still. Show them your excitement by nervously fidgeting throughout the entire video.
- Let's face it, no sane human being would look for random vlogs willingly, so be sure to load up the video description with as many keywords as possible. Example: "vlog, sad, depressed, school girl]] |Naruto incest blink-182 green
gday Harry buttsecks Draco..." etc. etc.
- When you are talking, end every sentence with an upward inflection in your tone, as if everything is a question?
- If someone makes fun of you on YouTube, respond with a raging tantrum expressing all of your heartfelt disgust, anger, and resentment at this person. Just completely let loose, scream and use profanity, threaten to kill them, anything.
- When people start laughing at that angry vlog, immediately take it down and replace it with a new version where you are calm and you pretend not to be bothered by the people who make fun of you.
- Remember to gear your material toward the crowd that would be most attracted to you. If you are a somewhat attractive female, try doing sexy things on camera and you will attract desperate, horny guys, most of them registered sex offenders. If you are a fat chick, pretend you are a lesbian and you will soon have the entire community at your side. If you are a socially inept 16 year old girl with small breasts and pale skin, go for the furry or NeoPets community.
- Lie, lie, lie! Let's get real here, you're fucking boring. You have to fabricate stories of terrible things happening to you and how you will "be strong" and "never give up". Tell them you have cancer, pretend to be crippled, tell them you have a gay, retarded, Jewish stepbrother named Mickey who has been disowned by his father and you're the only one who is there for him. Be creative.
- If the people that made fun of you just become too much for you to handle, move to LiveVideo, but not after making your last vlog that tells everyone you are leaving because of LiveVideo's features and whatnot.
- If all of the above fail to make an entertaining vlog, take a loaded shotgun, put it in your mouth, and become An Hero on your vlog. That always kills. In fact, just do this one first.
If All Else Fails, Make a good video about something interesting k bai thnx:
Blogs with articles
- How to Dissuade Yourself from Becoming a Blogger
- Example of a Blog Designed for Normal People
- Essay Writing Services about Blogs
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