Borderlands

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Gearbox
This whole game summed up in one picture.
...and the fanboys...

Borderlands (moar like Boredomlands, AMIRITE?) is a ground-breaking game concept - take Fallout 3, make the combat more like Halo, add a randomizing technology à la Diablo II, steal characters from Killzone, throw in the meatheads from Gears of War, then give it a Mad Max skin,place the game on planet Pandora (100% original name) , use cell shading to cover up poor graphics, and finally, suck out any innovation. Clearly, this is the most original game evar. The only reason anyone bought this game is because they thought it was an expansion to the original game, Fallout 3. What they got was LOTSA FUCKIN' PURDY GUNZ!!!

Contents

Plot

Looks familiar.


   
 
On the hostile, bandit-ridden planet of Pandora, there is one thing that draws off-world attention: The Vault.
 

 
 

—Borderlands, Don't forget your Pip Boy

Fallo... excuse me, Borderla... ah, who the fuck are we kidding? Let's face it, it's just Oblivion with guns, minus Oblivion. Anyway, the game places you in the role of a mercenary you will never care about with a background story close to nonexistent, on the anarchic and godforsaken planet of Pandora, after it was somehow successfully turned into a desert and stripped clean of any gigantic fury-blue Native American fucks. Driven by the unselfish purpose of getting rich, you're set on a quest to find a legendary shitload of powerful alien technology in a manhole known as The Vault. You play as one of the 'Vault hunters', looking for a hidden cache of treasure. Since its release, the game has sold 4.5 million units worldwide, proving once and for all that running around with a machine gun shooting random pedestrians on a street is healthy to the environment.

Playing Borderlands is like taking a ten-hour-long shit after eating a tray full of nails and razorblades; the only thing you'll like about the whole experience is when it finally ends. The more sadomasochistic people out there will probably try to finish it, but the whole process can be summarized by shoving a glass jar up your ass and waiting for it to break. Everything looks like a bombed-out desert with tent-cities. Every time you get killed because your shield ran out too fast, you respawn at a "New-U" Station, which makes you go broke after about four times and mocks your newly added third nipple and shrunken penis. Of course, it goes without saying that the whole game just leads up to opening a vault and resisting being raped by a dumbass alien tentacle blob monster that got itself trapped in there years ago. No treasure, no weapons, just a big dumb, disproportionate purple rapist to shoot at with all your lame-ass guns.BTW SPOILERS After stealing everything from Fallout 3, you'd think Gearbox Software would at least steal the most useful part of that game, which is the fast traveling system...nope. They rather decided to create these random fast travel terminals placed in spots they believed to be useful, but which are always somewhere useless and retarded.

DLCs

As with any cash-cow, this game was bound to release a few hundred things for outrageous prices for next to no redeemable gameplay value. tl;dr - OOOOOH SHINY NEW GUNS LOLOL!

One of the first DLCs for the game, Zombie Island of Dr. Ned, was based off horror movie cliches. What ended up happening was a cross between Left 4 Dead zombies and a few Resident Evil crows for good measure. There were also Frankensteins and "Were-Skags," which are exactly like they sound - werewolves made out of bug-dogs and people. Anyway, the actual plotline involved helping Dr Ze...er, Ned with the outbreak of zombies, which he created over some fight about people stealing his popcorn all the damn time. At first it's annoying, and completely the same as playing the main game. Then the Crimson Lance zombies come, you set up the computer, and you're forced into a five-minute firefight with an endless horde of vomiting zombies with guns, swords, and grenades until the Jakobs company finally sends you a missile-shaped escape pod with a lot of fuck-you banter in the process. Oh, and then some shit happens in the Lumberyard, and you "meet" Shaggy and Scooby, fight a giant zombified Dr. Ned, and other things that really don't do anything but give you more experience and a few cool weapons (namely insta-gib regen shotguns that just rain from the bodies of big things).

The second DLC, Mad Moxxi's Underdome Riot, is, not surprisingly, a rip-off of Mad Max as well as other games--namely, Gears of War and Doom. You need to have a shitload of active friends online to play it to the full benefit. Mad Moxxi made it out of the canyons you were stranded in after Fyrestone or something, and decided she wanted to be a boss of her own gang. But, she didn't want just any gang; she wanted some of the biggest, baddest, ballsiest bastards to join her running crew. So, in the snowy hellpits and crater-loaded death-hills of this already butt-ugly planet, you and friends must fight psychopaths and bandits to gain control of the GRAETEST ARENA EVAR. You get decent armor this time around, but you'll probably sell that for rock and keep playing games of "Find the Siren".

The Third DLC, The Secret Whorehouse of General Fagg, basically gives you moar vehicles,moar shitty guns, and moar wide open landscape with absolutely nothing in them except for Half-Life rip-offs. The story is that there is some bitch called Athena who decides she doesn't want to suck Crimson Lance dicks anymore, so she runs away from General Knoxx, her pimp. Knoxx goes and sends his other bitches to get her back, but then she gets caught by Skank somehow (she had a fucking teleporter, dumb bitch). You kill Skank and help her get away for some reason. Sometime afterwards you go to Knoxx, who went emo and is about to become an hero. Anyways, you kill him. Then you only have 3 minutes to enjoy his whorehouse. That's pretty much it. You find out that Moxxi is Scooter's mom, Skank is her second husband and Marcus is her third. Also you get to fight a Giant Enemy Crab(seriously) at the end. BTW SPOILERS

The fourth DLC, Craptrap's Failed Robot Revolution, gives you even more shitty guns, and you face Hyperion's version of the Crimson Lance. Broken on release and for about a month before being patched. You couldn't level up, you couldn't get any of the achievements [or trophies for you PS3 fag], and it showed you every quest that the morons you played online with hadn't finished, making it impossible to find your mission amongst the spam of shitty low level missions. A ninja Claptrap (which is even more fail than the regular ones) comes to Pandora and unites the Claptraps in a revolt, and they take over every bad guy you've killed many times before, and turn their corpses into robots. Because of this, Hyperion (the guys who sent the ninja Claptrap to kill you in the first place) tasks you with stopping the Robolution. The only upside is that this gives you an excuse to kill Claptraps for great justice, and you can blow away those little fuckers all you want, since there's no shortage of them. Also Tannis tells you to collect the parts from dead Claptraps so she can make a giant dildo out of them. That's about it. Now that you've finished the story, your OCD will kick in and force you to get the 4 other collectable lots, 3 Pink Panties, 5 Goldfish, 15 Pizzas, 5 3D Glasses, 15 Bobble-Heads and 25 Cans of Oil that only drop every at least 100 kills, forcing you to kill Craptraps for roughly three weeks straight.

Borderlands 2: Electric Boogaloo

Announced as soon as Gearbox realized their first game made a lot of jew gold, the game was released September 2012 and features such innovations as new characters and re-skinning the old guns. It has four new and totally not the same as the last game characters because they have different names. These are a siren, some Mexican berserker who dual wields guns instead of punching, an assassin who is a sniper a weeaboo sperglord with four fingers who speaks in haiku (you know, weeaboo literature shit), and a soldier who is different because his turret is a different brand. There are also DLC characters: an 18 year old girl who has sex with robots, and a mental retard who loves to blow himself up. Their purpose is to jew you out of your ten dollars because we all know you're not going to play with all four of the characters in the first place, but are gullible enough to pay IRL e-points for any crappy DLC they shove down your throat. GG, jackass!

Gameplay

If you don't have four copies, you are gay.

Borderlands is a mix between Diablo, Halo, Fallout 3, Gears of War, Looney Tunes, Mad Max, Resident Evil, Doom, Left 4 Dead, and Avatar, all mashed-up together in a steamy pile of cow dung some tool on Wikipedia described as "first-person role-playing shooter". You can choose between four character classes (more on that below), each with its own unique ability such as throwing a bird at your enemies or turning invisible and falling off a cliff. The abilities are completely recycled, just like everything else in the game, including: monsters, guns, player models, vehicles, containers and one epileptic robot that Gearbox Software considers to be a mark of comedic genius and a future video game icon. The game has between 100,000-3,000,000 guns a lot of guns (every gun is worse than the previous one you have), about two dozen types of Halo-esque shields, and far too many grenade mods. However, none of this matters because the game is a button-mashing grind-fest. All you do is complete boring, repetitive missions that revolve around whoring yourself for random non-player characters, doing their bidding for rewards, and shooting the same enemies over and over again - BUT WITH DIFFERENT GUNZ!!! While doing these missions, on foot or by car, you will spend 99% of the game just traveling to your destination and getting stuck in cactuses while getting gang banged by wildlife.


The game is not broken at all.


   
 
Borderlands is all about the journey, not the destination, and like most trips, this one is much better when you have some friends along for the ride.
 

 
 

—Borderlands, because there's only ten hours worth of gameplay here.

Missions

The best way to describe the missions in Borderlands? WoW with only four people per server. Every single mission is either "I want/lost X - find it and give it to me for loot," or "This guy is a faggot, go kill him and I will give you something nice". In short, you pretty much just do the same thing over and over again.

Weapons

ZOMGGuns!

There are 9 types of weapons (10 if you include melee, 11 if you include Brick's fists). Each weapon has a brand which give different bonuses, and the guns may have elemental damage.

Or you could just do what everybody else does online: Ignore all the above and get a modded weapon. If you don't have a modded weapon, you are a total fag.

Manufacturers

Budd Dwyer approves Jakobs, because it really only requires one shot.

Like the real world, there's a big jewnopoly for guns. But all they make are shitty repeater pistol that no one needs. These companies are:

  • Jakobs: If it took more than one shot, then you weren't using Jakobs.
  • Maliwan: Their guns shoot explosions, fire, electricity, or vomit.
  • Tediore: Make shitty repeaters. Their product sucks so much that their guns are more effective when thrown than fired.
  • Torgue : Guns with high damage that can't hit shit. Buy their shotguns.
  • Vladof: Rifles that fire like AK-47s and you don't even know if you're actually hitting the target. People who buy their products are Communists.
  • Atlas: A dick to every other company because all their guns are much better.
  • Hyperion: Super expensive shit that no one buys.
  • Dahl: all their weapons have high recoil but who cares.
  • S&S munitions: Don't even bother.

Manufacturers: Electric Boogaloo version

Having learn that the weapons in the first game are suck dry boring than the weapons from nodicks game, the developer decided to add even more specialty to each manufactures in the 2nd game.

  • Jakobs: Now requires you to spam RT/R2/left click to finish a clip of their assault rifle.
  • Maliwan: Same shit but with the new element: purple pukes that weakened enemies so you can finish them off with a buttsecks.
  • Tediore: Exploding garbage. Don't even borther to fire their weapon or even using it. All thier gun looks like Mcdonald toys.
  • TORGUE : NOBODY USE THEIR GODDAMN CRAP FOR S**T BECAUSE THEIR BULLET IS SLOWER THAN MY GRANDMOM'S F**KING BITCH!!THE ONLY GOOD GUN IS CALLED Unkempt Harold WHICH IS USED BY 90% MOTHERF**ING PLAYER, WHO IS STILL PLAYING THIS GODAMN S**T!!ALSO......EXPLOSION?!?!?!?!?
  • Vladof: automatic firing on everything.
  • Atlas Hyperion: Their gun increase accuracy when firing so guarantee 100% shot to the womb.
  • Bandits: All their guns except rocket launcher are shit.
  • E-Tech: The new useless alien weapon type that are meant to eat your ammo.
  • Dahl: Other than the burst fire when zooming shit, they are still worthless compare to Vladof.

Classes

From left to right: Roland, Lilith, Mordecai, Brick. In other words: "Hook me up!", tits or GTFO, "Oh, look... there's an opossum right there. Go get it.", lay off the steroids.
  • Roland: A nigger who joined the military so that he could steal their guns. His special ability lets him become an deploy an automatic turret. Comes to the planet to steal some Crimson Knight-themed bikes. The only black character in the game, added to mask racism, but killed in the second game and replaced with a white douchenozzle, thus rendering the whole point devoid of its fucking meaning. Rumoured to fanatically fuck his turrets after every successful assassination.
  • Brick: The brainless steroid infested bloated fuck from Gears of War. Suffers from roid-rage and an acute case of micro-penis mixed with daddy issues and bipolar disorder, much like the player. Coincidentally, he uses this 'roiding as a special ability, hulkin' out and fist-raping enemies while being sexually confused.
  • Mordecai: The game's bitch luchadore, who's looking for some kind of repayment for the crap he's dealt with (apparently the sweet beard isn't enough). His special ability turns Borderlands into Angry Birds (like they didn't take enough from other games).
  • Autistic guy: The guy who balanced his life by removing his face with a spatula while repeatedly shooting people in the head from a distance. Rumored to suffer from dementia, witnessed numerous times talking to himself in a sexual manner, probably an alter ego. A boner can be visible at all times while the subject is in action.
  • Mechromancer: An 18-year old girl who leaves her dad to die and ran away with her robotic blow doll of death. She is also the most skill requiring class to play(hint: put your point in "close enough" and you can play with only one button). Also, don't forget to pay your 60 dollars if you want to fap her to death, you virgin sick fuck.

Enemies

Environmentalists jack off to this level of recycling.
  • Psycho: Batshit insane people who go around looting stuff in order to survive. They are everywhere and all they do is run directly towards you or stand in one place and shoot at you.
  • Rakks: A bunch of cliff racers bird-dragon dragon-bat-eagle things that fly around and annoy the player, causing them to waste ammo. Not to worry, though, as ammo apparently grows on trees and is left just about everywhere. They drop health upon death, apparently carrying it in their dicks.
  • Rakk Hive: Huge monsters that Rakks live on. They can rape you in a minute flat if you're not prepared. Best to kill by aiming for the eyes and spamming grenades.
  • Outriders: Bandits who drive around in cars flipping you off and mooning you through the windshield. Launch a guided missile into their cars and run over their flaming corpses.
  • Scythid: Giant bug-things. Attack much like Skags do, except for the fact some blow up when you kill them up-close.
  • Skags: Zerg like dog creatures without assholes. They eat stuff and regurgitate anything they can't digest, from ammo and guns to dollar bills, because the point of logic is to ignore it completely.
  • Spiderant: The result ant/spider bestiality. Some types attempt to immobilize you with webbing.

ClapTrap

Claptrap... get it? Clap infested Trap... but in this case, just a midget in a metal box.

The ClapTraps (pronounced 'forced meme') are the unicycled robots inhabiting the world of Borderlands, which you'll come across several times on your journey and are more or less designed to be the "comedic" sidekick of the game, giving you a brain tumour in the process. Unfortunately, Gearbox missed the mark by several miles attemping to create a popular "Companion cube"-like mascot character that's enduring and popular.

The only reason to talk to these fucking things is to receive more space in your backpack for helping them. Other than that, stay the fuck away from them, or run the risk of ramming your fist through your television (console fag) monitor to end their rage-inducing unfunny bullshit.
   
 
LOOK AT ME IM DANCING, IM DANCING!!
 

 
 

gay

   
 
DO DO DO DO DO BEE BOP BO BEEP BO!!!
 

 
 

gay

   
 
OH YEAH, GET DOWN! UH HUH, CHECK ME OUT YEAH!
 

 
 

gay

   
 
OH GOD! AM I LEAKING? AM I OH GOD IM LEAKING!
 

 
 

gay

   
 
THERE'S OIL! THERE'S OIL EVERYWHERE! WHAAAAAAAA!!!
 

 
 

gay

   
 
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT DEAD! STILL LOOKING FOR THE VAULT?
 

 
 

gay

   
 
UNCE UNCE UNCE UNCE I THINK IM OFF BEAT UNCE UNCE UNCE
 

 
 

gay

   
 
THERE'S NEW MISSIONS AVAILABLE AT THE BOUNTY BOARD IN FYRESTONE!
 

 
 

OH GOD WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?

   
 
HAALP! HAAAALP!! COME ON!! I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. AAAAAANYTHING. THINK ABOUT IT...
 

 
 

JESUS RAPEDICKS GET THE FUCKING FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU HEMORRHOID-O-TRON

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Duke Nukem Demo

When you bought Borderlands Game of the Year edition, besides getting all the DLC that you had already wasted forty bucks on, you also got access to an exclusive Duke Nukem demo on all systems. Though if you got the game through Steam and used the best console, you could just download the demo anyway.

Rave Reviews

   
 
Quite repetitive and somewhat boring.
 

 
 

—Gamers.at

   
 
Clichéd post-apocalyptic dystopian world; "Extreme" attitude; Fairly mundane shooting action; Split-screen as a concept.. so very 1999.
 

 
 

Crispy Gamer

   
 
It's like Fallout, Gears, and D2 butt-fucked, and Gearbox collected the smegma.
 

 
 

—Some Nobody

   
 
GUNS GUNS GUNS OOH A SHIELD! GUNS GUNS
 

 
 

—Typical online teamspeak

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Images

Gallery About missing Pics
Rule 34 About missing Pics

Videos


Trailer - save yourself time and money, this is the whole game.

THAT FUCKING SONG

Just like real life.

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Trolling

Fanbois

  • Ask where the REAL melee weapons are.
  • Ask for modded stuff.
  • Mention the words "fall" and "out" in the same sentence on a Borderlands forum.
  • Telling them an assault rifle with 97% accuracy and 215 damage isn't nearly as satisfying as having a life.
  • Tell them the following based on which character they play
    • If they play as Lilith, it is because they desperately want a girlfriend and will never get laid.
    • If they play as Roland, it is because they are a wigger, or possibly a chav.
    • If they play as Brick, it is because they are a fat fuck who wishes he had chunk-power.
    • If they play as Mordecai, it is because they want to be a badass but are afraid to leave the basement.
  • Tell them that WoW is an MMO that has more than just four players per server.
  • Tell them Wolfenstein had better graphics.
  • Tell them that an original art style doesn't mean jack shit if the only colors used are gray and brown.
  • Ask them if the game ends once you get to Vault 13.
  • Tell them you have the troll repeater pistol and want to trade it for a hex for your diablo character.
  • Tell them the game is overrated.

Online Tips (add more as you come by them)

  • Equip your character with the "Transfusion" grenade modifier and start a duel with your partner(s). Works best as Brick in a tight, confined space (Lost Cave, some Arenas, etc.) with about 5-6 grenades, and bonus points if you scream "ALLAHU AKBAR!" while doing do.
  • As Roland or Brick, take off aimlessly into a dangerous area full of "Badass" bandits, skags, etc., then run back to your teammate(s) and either keep running and turn around to see if they survive, or quit and see if you'll even play together again.
  • As Lilith, four words: Phasewalk the entire duel.
  • As Brick, scream the entire time you beat up Roland bare-handed, "PUNCH SOLDIERS RECEIVE GUNS!"
  • As Mordecai, or possibly Roland, run off from your group and hide out in a house or somewhere unseen around a bandit spawn-point, and "blend in" as your partners get raped. When they're near death, run over to them, heal them, THEN challenge them to a duel.
  • As Roland, constantly ask where the white wimminz at, even if Lilith's in the group. ESPECIALLY if Lilith's in the group.
  • Get yourself a modded gun and shield, so that you can kill anything and be unkillable. Then go into a game with noobs and continuously demand duels with them. Bonus points if you're in the middle of a fight. Win and claim that you have skillz or rub it in their face. Demand another duel. Win and rub. Repeat.
  • Join low-level games, kill bosses, and steal all the loot.
  • "Help" new players with boss battles by escorting them there, and then wandering off to do something more important. When they ask what you're doing, respond with "Did you not get the message? There are more jobs available at the New Haven bounty board. You kill him, and I'll go get the mission".
  • As the driver, crash the car.
  • Make up a class mod. Say a boss dropped it, and refuse to trade it for anything.
  • Constantly ask to "borrow" money.

Fun Facts


See Also

External Links

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