|Branca is an Epic Lolcow|
* giggle *
The humble, sexy and wholesome queen of Gorillaz! Don't you ever forget her beauty mark, her gorgeous body and her shapely legs!
Branca is the prime example of the generic Mary Sue, but she is unique in her mediocrity and ridiculous popularity. Somehow horribly raping the Gorillaz with childish fandom and comics about herself and her love life with a fictitious lead singer has earned her more than 300,000 pageviews and about 700 watchers on the bastion of high brow sophisticates with discerning artistic taste that is DeviantART.
- 1 History
- 2 The Comics
- 3 The Fanbase
- 4 Acts of Asshattery
- 5 Galleries
- 6 Fucktard of all trades
- 7 How do I get praised?
- 8 Quotes from Branca
- 9 Drops of sweetness (DeviantART online)
- 10 BRANCA AND 2D GET A DIVORCE
- 11 See Also
- 12 Links
Branca was born many years ago, when the internet was still young, and seemed to have arrived on there like a bombshell, dropping dozens of drawings depicting her alter ego, Branca, as the somehow both pretentiously 'loving' and cute and somewhat lascivious and vulgar wife of the Gorillaz's cartoon lead singer 2D. Despite 2D's character being written by the creators as quite the 'playa', he immediately falls for the puppy-punching charms of Branca and knocks her up in the context of sweet, schlong-shackling monogamy. From this moment on, the genetics theory went to pot (or Tusspot. Whatever) as the two produce a blue-haired, no-eyed abomination against God. The fact that she can't come up with anything besides a generic, childish notion of domestic bliss to express her manic "love" for a fictional famous frontman is also pretty telling.
Countless zany, mostly annoyingly clean-cut (apart from the nudity), badly drawn comic adventures followed to convey their daily life as a happy family and, most importantly, highlight Branca's apparent existence in the life of the Gorillaz. Oddly, this includes the character Murdoc, despite the fact that he would probably take a bite out of the baby if given the chance. Murdoc is always referred to by Branca as her 'buddy', even though she says he's ugly, dirty, horny and gay. It doesn't matter anyway, because, like the rest of Gorillaz, he doesn't fucking exist. But Branca is so amazing she can tame even the BIGGEST ASSHAT BAND MEMBER. Man, she is as infectious as AIDS! Stupid Gorillaz fangirls naturally praise Branca and wish to be like her, even knowing they're only playing the role of the nice and friendly pals in the vain hope that Branca will draw them with 2D and thus somehow canonize their retarded fantasies.
Branca not only makes shitloads of beautiful drawings featuring the Gorillaz and her gorgeous self, but she's also drawn over 9000 comics just to be sure the world knows that she is the sole focus of the imaginary band's life (in other words, Branca is the protagonist and the Gorillaz members get the supporting role). The comics are usually divided into two or more parts and very crudely drawn. This comes as little surprise because, in fact, Branca never puts time and love into her art. She's just doing it for the internet fame. Also of note is her complete mastery of the Engrish language. The stories always end in one place: in bed. Why? Because 2D is her husband, and physical attraction is all their relationship is built on!
Branca will make a fuss if you mess with the characters she invented (see gallery). If you draw her fanart so something is "wrong" (i. e. the color of the hair is too light, the anatomy is sound and the characters don't look as if they're made of rubber, etc.), she will bitch endlessly about it, pointing out she made a precious Q & A for her characters. But when it's her turn to draw guest characters, she messes up all of their personalities, portrays all of the Gorillaz completely out of character, and does the same to the characters of other pathetic internets artists as well.
She also transformed the character Paula Cracker (2D's ex-girlfriend who cheated on him with Murdoc in the actual, lame, unnecessary Gorillaz storyline) into an evil bitch who plots every minute to steal 2D from sweet and wholesome Branca. This is particularly retarded, seeing as Paula is part of a backstory and was out of the Gorillaz scene before the then all-male band somehow acquired Noodle. What's the point of exhumating a character just to make a couple of cheap soap-opera drama comics? Oh, we guess that is the point. As we all know, if there's one thing fangirls love, it's trite, generic, cliché melodrama.
Branca also hates slash pairings because they nullify her fake marriage as seen here in a conversation over a user posting that Murdoc and 2D was the OTP:
Branca tries her hardest to convince people that she's not at DevianTART because she wants to be famous and loved and ass-patted. She's a serious arteest, and she proves this by drawing her ugly Sue in the nude or in tiny lingerie, preferably in the bedroom together with her "husband". But Branca definitely isn't just a face in the crowd of conceited attention whores, all she humbly requests is that you tell her she is kind, sweet, sexy and wonderful in every single communication. This is the part where the fans enter the picture. After all, what would Branca be without a fuckton of mindless followers who praise and huggle her like she does her own stupid self?
Let it be known that if you actually try to criticize Branca, her legions of rabid fucktard fans, who are apparently at her every beck and call, will pounce on you like Auschwitz guard dogs on a Jew. Whenever a person gives Branca a "bad comment" (Suethor-speak for "critique"), or asks her WHY ON EARTH she hates gays enough to constantly make rude remarks about them, this person will immediately be classified as an 'immoral and stupid 16-year-old bitch', who is obviously VERY jealous of Branca's great artistic talent. Why else would anyone be so mean to their favorite artist? It's obviously jealousy!
Her fanbase consists mostly of other fangirls (and occasionally a pathetic sexually repressed fanboy or two) and horrifically enough these cattle-like masses had created a club, Fanines of Branca, where other fantards could post comics and drawings about Branca and 2D's "romantical romance" and support the pairing even though most of them would prefer to be in her place.
The artwork was either worse or better than her own work (occasionally they make self-insertions too), but still falling below the bar of utter shit as with most of the art on DeviantART.
Quotes from the Fanbase
Note: VooDooPoo is a Branca supporter that attacks trolls while supporting them. She has contributed to Branca's article on ED. Nowadays she keeps oscillating between licking and mocking Branca, among other people, as seen here and here. Why doesn't she make up her mind? OMG she should keep mocking Branca!!!!oneone
VooDooPoo also ocasionally tries to erase this part of the article, but, just like Branca, she never heard about "revert".
Acts of Asshattery
Search for a Star
Branca also entered the Gorillaz's "Search for a Star" contest, where thousands of artists (some exceptionally talented, some...not so much) contributed their artwork in hopes of receiving prizes and perhaps even a job as the new official Gorillaz artist. Branca submitted a masterpiece and yet, strangely enough, the powers that be were not as impressed by her talent as she herself was and deeply offended Branca by ignoring it along with thousands of other equally shitty entries.
Devastated and brokenhearted, Branca aimlessly wandered the red-light districts of London (where she thinks Essex is located), looking for something to brighten up her mood. When first discovering she had encountered a problem sex could not solve, she panicked. After a few days of screaming and whining and rubbing her honkers on innocents for some quick ego-boosting, she let the malicious part of her brain take over. The result was an insulting parody of a piece of artwork by the winner of the contest (a professional artist named Irina Bolshakova.) Mental masturbation aside, this was a great opportunity to have her poor, mangled ego pumped up once again by her admirers who would tell her the judges were blind and that Branca should have won. Bolshakova may have seamlessly adapted Jamie Hewlett's style, but BRANCA IS 2D'S FUCKING MISTRESS AND DESERVES SPECIAL FUCKING TREATMENT. DON'T THE ACTUAL CREATORS OF THE GORILLAZ CHARACTERS REALIZE THIS!?
The true reason behind the making of the Art of Butthurt, claims Branca, is that people should have 'their own style' of drawing (like she does, but apparently Bolshakova doesn't). But, in the grand scheme of things, Branca's artwork is pretty much a shitty, crude version of the same Gorillaz style which seems to be drawn by every talentless fangirl. Not that Branca is a fangirl — 2D is Branca's man bitch, which, strictly speaking, makes him the fangirl and only goes further to show that Branca is really batshit insane.
Gallery of Butthurt
Branca's mature reaction to rejection.
Branca and her minions tried to erase this article from ED. As a result, it caused much lulz and chuckles o'plenty as they had obviously never heard of reverts. Then a bunch of Branca haters showed up and had some edit wars with her and her fantards, resulting in the whole article collapsing in on itself in a long horrible mess overladen with images and full of pointless warning templates. It took months for trained Dramaticians to repair the damage. And it's constantly checked because even trained Dramaticians can spell poorly or make typos sometimes.
Stolen Artwork on Brazilian TV
Last Thursday, Branca found a shit excuse to submit more garbage to DevianTART because of a lame TV show from Brazil. Her childish self began to stalk the guys from CQC and kept asking them to show her artwork. Probably in a mentally impaired fog after her shitstorm, the guys at CQC actually agreed to show her art. With an ego larger than Texas, Branca kept bragging about how they were going to show her work on TV for nearly two weeks; this included writing a journal in Portuguese (because no English folk give a shit) in ALL CAPS. When CQC flashed her abomination to the people of Brazil, they gave credit not to Branca but to another person, a girl nicknamed Bruh Morini, which was probably a mere mix-up since it was Branca who actually sent it to the studio. Branca kept depicting Bruh as "that bitch" and calling her a "thief of credit", which is a "very serious sin", even though she should consider herself lucky that they've actually shown her art on TV. In a journal sporting the emoticon of OUTRAGE, Branca tried convincing her fans that she was innocent, and acted as if Bruh Morini killed her parents. Branca also made a gif sequence of CQC showing her work, expecting that her fans would comfort her. This event raises the puzzling question: Why would someone EVER want to steal Branca's art and claim it as their own? Really, come on now. Since the whole case was ridiculous and Branca didn't want to look like the crazy evil bitch she really is, she baleeted all the journals showing the stupid screaming message she sent to Bruh Morini. Talk about netiquette. Now she's sending crappy animations to the CQC guys and hoping they can send her some praising emails. She also sent them a new drawing. Let's face it, when it comes to stalking CQC, Branca can be worse than Bruh Morini.
Although Branca would have her fans believe that she is a very sweet, humble, fair and wholesome person, she can be unreasonably whiny, bitchy and vulgar. She could learn some class from Fernet, but that's a thing for intelligent and mostly broadminded people.
Gallery of Lulz
A picture tells a thousand words... In Branca's case, most of them being *giggle*.
Some generous people have decided to express their undying love for Yours Truly through arts.
Branca's way of drawing is fucking deep, because, unlike you, she has speshul animu talents. Despite this being a complete waste of time, we will try to teach you, the artistically inferior readers, how to make a picture properly. Because Branca's way of doing things is the proper way.
WARNING: This tutorial is infected with homosexuality. Upon reading it, the disease might be transmitted to your sorry rectum.
Of course, it would be impossible to compare this shitty tutorial to the flawless pictures made by Branca... Oh, one can only wish to reach her level sometime in the far future.
Fucktard of all trades
Branca is known among ex-fans as a fucktard. Probably because she cares too much about herself and doesn't give a crap at all to people who praise her like a bunch of zombies. She will always try to gather all the attention, deal with it.
Note: The contributions have been sent with the pixelated halves, in order to protect the "victims", apparently.
Here's Branca, showing her happiness for having people who take precious time out of their lives to play with her by photoshopping the shit out of her half and making it look better.
How do I get praised?
- Bonk a cartoon rockstar and castrate him;
- Upload some proof (including photos of your genetically defective spawn) on DeviantART;
It is very important to add a generous portion of "giggles" during step 1 through step 3, or step 4 will be fail due to lack of cuteness and sweetness.
Quotes from Branca
—Branca - asking you to look at her two inch nipples.
Drops of sweetness (DeviantART online)
- Best way of getting attention from a good and humble artist.
- When nothing else works, be the victim.
- Her "original character" can't be an emo.
- Somebody is jealous.
- The picture is great, but she finds something to complain about.
- Don't "offend" her, even when you don't give a shit to what she says.
- She claims to be such a religious girl, but gets pwned by a serious Jehovah's Witness.
- The same Jehovah's Witness gets confused by Branca's questions about... beards?
- What happens when someone draws her 2D-like character making love with another man?
- It seems Jassy (Numberofthebeatz, in ED) isn't too devoted to sensei nowadays...
- "Critique not desired".
- The Fanine behind the ban, all in the name of his queen.
- Fave whore was also jealous of her friend. Translate for the lulz.
- Branca offers religious services.
- You can't make fun of her religion (although she can make fun of gay people)!
- Branca harshly claims for copyrights.
- A discussion about the originality in her "Gorillaz Alteregos".
- One of the most scariest roleplay games ever.
- And this shows how mature she can be. LOL WUT?
- See how Branca reacts at a moment of epiphany from an ex-Brancafan.
- She just loved popularity, not Gorillaz.
- Branca at her finest, in a journal that was against her whining.
- Too late, she's already forgotten her friends and "maters".
- She doesn't like chatrooms, but loves a roleplay.
- There's nothing like slapping some sense into her gorgeous, well-shaped brain.
- Holy Raptor Jesus, even in the animu account she whines!
- "Thanks for comforting me, but I need money."
- Branca's opinion about the cartoon character who ogles her ass and legs in her comics.
BRANCA AND 2D GET A DIVORCE
As it turns out, Branca married another man IRL and divorced 2D. The fact that she got laid IRL made her realize the advantages it had to have a real dick over mental masturbation. Branca has finally grown up. D'AWW. However, this means no more lulz. But that doesn't mean this article won't grow. Keep sending contributions!
There was an all-new remake of Branca's existence in Gorillaz's lives, excluding the nipples, the depiction of Paula as a raging bitch, Murdoc and Russel fapping at her thrombosis-affected legs and also the days she almost killed 2D. But like many lolcows, she ended up removing the vid. Maybe because she thought a real "Branca and 2D story" should indeed have all the juicy items above.
Her last video was getting quite a feedback on Youtube:
So, she changed the description:
- Branca's DevianTart page:
She will always "thank you for the praise" and flirt with male deviants who watch her, but she will also have you suspended or banhammered if you dare to disagree.Deactivated due to the lack of asslickers lately.
- Fanines of Branca: A Branca fan club that was founded only because Fernet entered the scene.
Join it and spend a lifetime drawing fanart for Branca. Currently taken by trolls, as it seems to have been abandoned by those who care.Finally baleeted, just like her LinaCS account.
- Branca's Sheezyart page: The place in which she used to complain about not having the same amount of pageviews that she has in DevianTart. Maybe that's why she abandoned the account.
- Stop the Branca: A blog by Fernet. All you wanted to know about Branca, but were too outrageously embarrassed to ask.
- Clonines of Fernet: A blog that's inspired in Fernet's awesome parodies.
- AlterEgoFanz: A fanclub made by DGJassy for Branca's original characters, the Gorillaz Alteregos.
Her "totally different" non-Gorillaz DevianTart account. It may not have Gorillaz, but it has a lot of Branca: same garbage in new package. Incidentally the fat fuck's new story involves her winning an eating contest and being rewarded with free burgers. Pure literature.Empty because Branca wanted to hide evidence that she's not only a homophobe, but also racist. Or maybe just because the account wasn't receiving the same feedback she gets when she draws 2D and her.
- Branca's YouTube: don't bother.
- Branca's website "Mess in The House": ditto.
- Branca's ED userpage: an account she made when she apparently believed she could erase lulzy ED pages.
- The Gorillaz Family (MSN group): Branca (nicknamed 'Noodle') before she became popular. 2DxPaula, anyone? She also baleeted most pictures she posted as an attempt to hide the truth, but we've got proof of her Mary Sueism. See Branca's jobs for more info.
- Her whiny DevianTART journals: They have gotten baleeted, but Branca never heard of cache.
- Anti Branca Club: a community that's not too active, maybe because they just wanted to add the link on the ED article instead of doing something for the lulz.
- Branca on Newgrounds: her only submission is an animation bashing Paula because "she deserves it".
- Branca on Twitter: her own twatter.
- Branca's animu DevianTart page:
Same art, same Engrish. Shouldn't "Eikiti" be a male name?Disabled.
- Branca's Facebook page: Who cares?
- Branca's blog: Her new project. Now 2D is free again.
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|Featured article February 25, 2010|