Bright Neon Nike Shirt
After a long week of belting out "that's what she said" in your remedial English class, leaving inflammatory comments on Justin Bieber videos, and pondering why none of the girls at school acknowledge your existence, all you want to do is kick back with a cold bottle of Mountain Dew Game Fuel and inform everyone in your Call of Duty Xbox Live party about how they're just a bunch of camping nigger faggots. However, the proper attire is vital to enjoying the highlight of your week. At this point there is only one item of clothing fit for a gentleman of your caliber: a Bright Neon Shirt.
There are three main components of the Bright Neon Nike Shirt, each providing its own spin on the classic t-shirt model. The first of these, perhaps the most significant, is the requirement that the shirt must be manufactured and distributed by the Nike corporation. Brand loyalty is crucial for a multitude of reasons, the most elementary of these however being the fact that patronizing the Nike brand proves to the onlooking public that your family can afford to buy you shirts that cost more than the monthly salary of those who produce them, unlike those Mexican kids who have to settle for the knock-off brands you see being sold at those stands in the mall that also sell meme shirts. The next important element is that the Bright Neon Nike Shirt must be as aesthetically unappealing as possible. Nike designers accomplish this by choosing the most heinous, obnoxiously glaring, clashing colors to be paired together for the Bright Neon Nike Shirt. Finally, the icing on the cake is provided by the non-sequitur printed in BIG BOLD LETTERS across the front of the shirt.
It has been proven that individuals with names such as Dustin, Parker, Hunter, etc have a genetic disposition leaving them more likely to own Bright Neon Nike Shirts.
Most commonly used words/phrases on Bright Neon Nike Shirts
- "Owned", or some variation
- "Your mom"
Additionally, many Bright Neon Nike Shirts are simply printed with the "Just Do It" tagline. It is currently unknown if these are worn out of irony as the majority of Nike supporters will merely reply with a barrage of homophobic slurs in response to any questions regarding their fashion choices.
While the Bright Neon Nike Shirt is the focal point of your outfit, there are many additional embellishments that can be added for maximum effect. These include, but are not limited to:
- Snapback Hats
Preferably one supporting your state's NBA or NFL team. Alternatively, your hat can contain the logo for a former manufacturer of skateboards who now only produce snapback hats (bonus points if you have never actually owned a skateboard).
- A can of Monster Energy Drink
Madden [insert current year here] binges at 2 AM tend to be difficult when operating on four hours of sleep, and since your older brother has been stealing your ADHD medications, your only remaining hope is to indulge in the vat of caffeinated syrup located within every can of Monster Energy Drink. A diet composed primarily of these stimulating concoctions will hopefully keep you together enough to attend the local motocross event taking place in under 10 hours.
- Cracked iPod Touch
The iPod however must be of the previous generation. Works well for listening along to your favorite tracks by Slipknot, AC/DC, and Linkin Park while slugging through the latest Halo game. An iPod is also a great tool for browsing pornographic websites or 9gag without your parents' knowledge.
Women and the Bright Neon Nike Shirt
There has never been, nor will there ever be, an instance of a woman successfully utilizing the Bright Neon Nike Shirt. Other than selectively placed Nike street advertisers, any women making a sincere attempt at a Bright Neon Nike Shirt is going to be the typical GURL GAMER archetype whose longing to confirm with pimply soon-to-be truck drivers is likely only a product of the methamphetamine that ran rampant in her childhood home until social services relocated her.
- 9gag - Where the kind of people who wear these hang out
- Silk Screen Goku Shirt - The enemy of the Bright Neon Nike Shirt
- Three Wolf Moon - Possible companion
- Trying too hard
Bright Neon Nike Shirt
is part of a series on
[Go Live One]
|Featured article January 25th & 26th, 2014|
|Bright Neon Nike Shirt||Succeeded by|