Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare

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Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare, also known as Star Trek: The First Person Shooter, Call of Duty: NV4Fare and Call of Duty: Infinite Dislikes is a free game that comes bundled with the remastered version of Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. It's made by the failures known as Infinity Ward who last brought you the absolute dogshit Call of Duty: Ghosts. The game goes even further into the future; you're now in fucking space. It's more or less Ghosts space missions but expanded into the entire campaign.

The Game

Standard Edition

  • Just the box, disc, and a bunch of useless fucking papers as usual. No surprises here.

Legacy Edition

The box and disc with...

  • HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S COD4 ON NEXT-GEN!!!!!111!! OHHHH MY GOD1!!!ONE!!111!! MOM GET THE CAMERA, XBOX RECORD THAT111!!!!!111 50,000 PEOPLE USED TO LIVE HERE AND NOW IT'S A GHOST TOWN SO MEMORABLE FUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK!!!11!1!1 KNIFE THE WATERMELON YOUR FRUIT KILLING SKILLS ARE REMARKABLE!!!!!!11!!!

Campaign

A bunch of pissed off plebs from Earth's colonies finally get triggered enough to the point that they organize under Jon Snow and build a big ass fleet to invade Earth. Earth's UNSA get's BTFO and has only two ships left, Retribution and Tigris. You play as Jack Reyes, some space marine guy who by some fucking chance gets promoted to Captain of he Retribution because the old one got shit on by Jon Snow and his army of robots. You are joined by some bitch Salter, a robot named Ethan and you and your crew boldly go and fuck the SDF up across the solar system. The SDF blows up the Tigris(fucking shocking), Riah becomes an hero to activate the beacon to to bring more SDF to Earth and they fuck up Admiral Raines shit. Reyes somehow gets on the SDF flagship; Olympus Mons, kills Jon Snow and takes the ship to blow up the SDF orbital shipyard at Mars. The SDF kicks the shit out of the Mons and the Retribution and they crash on Mars somehow everyone of fucking importance survives. In a last ditch effort, the Retribution faggots attack the station while Salter steals an SDF ship but can't use it to blow the station up because it's stuck to the fucking dock. Ethan becomes an hero to undock the ship and Reyes in heroic fucking sacrifice tells Salter to blow shit up even though he's still on the station. Everyone gets BTFO and Salter goes on a feels trip.

Multiplayer

Infinite Warfare is literally just a fucking re-skin of Black Ops III. It's not like the typical CoD argument of things being too similar either, Infinite Warfare is literally exactly the same as Black Ops III gameplay-wise in multiplayer. The same shitty, float through the fucking air movement system is there, along with Specialists(now known as Combat Rigs) and their overpowered as fuck weapons to boot. It's like Infinity Ward spent almost the entire of the 3 year development cycle with their foot up their own ass and then they realized November was around the corner and copy pasted Treyarch's edgy immature shitfest to make up for wasted time. Infinite Warfare's only plus is that it appears to have cut out most of the shitty 12 year old geared content that Black Ops III was entirely comprised of; letting that shit fester in the Zombies mode. Basically it's Black Ops III 2.0.

Factions

  • United Nations Space Alliance: The world becomes united and forms a Super-NASA or some shit and boldly fucks off to where no faggot has gone before.
  • Settlement Defense Front: Basically the big bad faction that decides to fuck UNSA up. They are led by Jon Snow from fucking Game of Thrones.

Combat Rigs

Exactly the same shit as Black Ops III's Specialists but with the edgy, childish nonsense cut from them. They still sport super overpowered weapons and shit and now you can switch between them in game. Whatever.

  • Warfighter: Used by the majority of players because of it's generally low-nonsense play style. Armed with the Claw, a full auto scatter gun that can clear an entire room in one sweep. The other Rigs are better but you'll feel like less of an asshole with this one.
  • Merc: Big asshole used by candy asses unable to defend themselves. Armed with a big ass homing laser called the Steel Dragon that goes through multiple targets. Alternatively, can basically run Juggernaut for a sort period of time. Fuck this guy.
  • Synaptic: Used purely by sweaty tryhards because of the bullshit mobility advantage this class has. It doesn't even matter what special abilities this fucking robot has because any faggot who uses it will just constantly boost around the map multi-killing people with a silenced LMG.
  • FTL: Basically nobody uses this guy because he simply sucks. His abilities aren't really all that great and his weapon is a stupid pistol he holds sideways like a "gangsta" and kills in one shot. There's enough effort involved in aiming the thing that it's just pointless to use.
  • Stryker: The Gravity Vortex Gun kinda blows, and most people end up killing themselves with it. The only reason people run Stryker is to use the Micro Turret, which is like a shitty sentry gun with no armor or the Trophy Drone to avoid getting constantly annihilated by the Venom-X.
  • Phantom: Stupid because he can literally see fucking everything, and then just render himself invisible like a faggot. Armed with the Ballista EM3, which is basically a homing sniper rifle, however the fuck that works. It's not bad, but it's not good either.

Scorestreaks

What you get rewarded with for playing like an asshole, so you can be a bigger asshole. Now with variants so your Scarab can be even more annoying than it already is.

  • UAV: Same as it always has been. Periodically shows where enemies are on the map for people who can't find them themselves, so they can in turn steal all your fucking kills.
  • Scarab: Copy paste of the HC-XD from Black Ops III. Fuck this shit.
  • Drone Package: Care package; sometimes you get shit and then there's the one time you get something good, then you get sniped by the camping fuckface from across the map and your teammate takes your shit.
  • Counter-UAV: Jams the shit out of the enemies radar. Spam the shit out of it for lulz.
  • Vulture: AI controlled flying attack drone that follows you around and lights anyone who comes by you the fuck up.
  • Trinity Rocket: Same shit as it was in Ghosts; cluster missile that pretty much fucks up everything.
  • Scorchers: Call in a bunch of jets to go and strafe the shit out of the map with lasers.
  • Bombardment: Call in a a satellite to go and orbital bombard the shit out of a designated area.
  • Shock Sentry: Sentry gun that deals shock damage to surrounding targets because fuck you.
  • Warden: Escort dropship that fuck shit up near your location.
  • Advanced UAV: Continuously shows everyone's location on the radar, but unlike the Blackbird it can be shot down, so fuck all.
  • THOR: Basically the fucking Lodestar from Black Ops II. Overpowered as shit.
  • R-C8: Similar to the Goliath from Advanced Warfare but even fucking bigger and with more arms.
  • AP-3X: Remote controlled assault drone with a shit ton of weapons to fuck things up.

Weapons

Unlike Black Ops III where there wasn't a single real gun in the game, most of Infinite Warfare's weapons are bastardized futuristic versions of modern weapons paired with Deus Ex looking shit. Also, Advanced Warfare's overpowered as fuck weapon variants are back which also means Supply Drops are too. Fuck this shit.

Assault Rifles

Fuck shit up in all situations.

  • NV-4: Basically the M4A1 to cater all the Americunts that want an unreliable Democracy piss shooter in the game. Has literally no kick and is overpowered as fuck at all distances. Everybody uses this shit.
  • R3K: 3 round burst energy rifle, drops fuckers dead at long range but is practically fucking useless in CQC because of how slow it cycles.
  • KBAR-32: All around balanced bullet hose with light mobility. Fucking overpowered. Basically the ACR of this game and used just as much too.
  • Type 2: Energy rifle that's the fastest rate of fire assault rifle in the game but takes like a million shots to kill. For some fucking reason it can be split into dual machine pistols.
  • Volk: Literally looks like the AK-47 from Elysium except it fires plasma. "Teh badd guyz" weapon, and used to literally fucking insta-kill until it got nerfed to oblivion.
  • R-VN: Another fucking combination energy weapon that can change from a 2-round burst rifle into a pair of fucking super-tasers that insta-kill. Nobody uses it because it kind of sucks in actual use.
  • X-Eon: A gun that has literally perfect hipfire, no spread at all. Aiming down the sights boosts the rate of fire while reducing accuracy. I don't get it either.
  • G-Rail: Semi auto assault rifle with a tiny ass mag that you can charge up to one shot kill enemies. You can get full auto variants in supply drops that basically render every other gun obsolete. Bullshit.
Submachine Guns

High rate of fire peashooters.

  • ERAD: High rate of fire plasma SMG with a fuck ton of recoil and uber damage. Used by scrubs.
  • FHR40: Shoots fucking fast as hell and somehow excels in all situations. Enemies die literally in a instant at the slightest pull of the trigger. Fuck this gun.
  • Karma-45: A Vector from Modern Warfare 2 but with dual magazines for increased reload speeds because fuck all. Rapes shit at close to medium range.
  • RPR Evo: The new version of the overpowered Ripper from Ghosts(which you can also get too). Can switch between Assault Rifle and SMG mode, because we can never not have enough fucking combo weapons.
  • HVR: A bastardized UMP-45 and naturally it has the highest damage in this class. Makes no sense since the real UMP-45 from Modern Warfare 2 is in the game.
  • VPR: What is essentially an MP5K with double barrels and a stupid high rate of fire. Used to be brutally overpowered as hell but now has half the ammo it used to and shoulder snapping recoil making it completely useless.
  • Trencher: A German MP28 sub-machine gun that got included for fuck all reason. Utterly stable, and can basically overpower most guns in virtually every situation. Typical CoD fashion to make the Nazi weapon the most overpowered.
  • Raijin-EMX: A copy paste of the Chicom CQB from Black Ops II but with an under-barrel EMP noob tube for extra douchebaggery.
Shotguns

Blow someones fucking guts out.

  • Banshee: A rehash of the TAC-19 sound shotgun from Advanced Warfare. Fires dubstep that can't even go two feet for a one shot kill but cycles fast enough that you can clear entire rooms with it.
  • DCM-8: Every fucking thing in this game is named with 1337 speak. Full auto energy shotgun. Like every full auto shotgun before it, it's damage is shit and is only effective for spamming.
  • Reaver: Quick, spam tastic semi auto shotgun with uber damage and fast cycling. This thing is serious bullshit and can clear the entire map by just spraying all over the fucking place. You can get a version with a one hit kill bayonet in a supply drop just to piss people off even more.
  • Rack-9: A SPAS-12 which again makes no fucking sense since the real SPAS-12 from Modern Warfare 2 is in the game too. Sits people on their ass in one shot. Also has a supply drop variant with dragons breath, because fuck you.
  • M2187: Oh no, the fucking overpowered across the map slaying lever action from Modern Warfare 2 is back. Basically used by faggots who somehow find the other shotguns too difficult to use. Just run akimbo and watch the bad memories from 2009 start coming back.
Light Machine Guns

Time to camp.

  • RAW: Literally so run of the mill I can't think of anything interesting to say about it. Commonly seen with a silencer in the hands of tryhard Synaptic users, along with the Titan.
  • Mauler: A rehash of the ChainSAW from Ghosts. Actually doesn't completely suck anymore but still manages to suck. Has a variant that basically turns it into the Gorgon from Black Ops III and makes it stupid overpowered/
  • Titan: High rate of fire spammer gun that pwns at all distances. Find a corner and bust open a bag of chips because nobody will be able to touch you.
  • Auger: A minigun, like no joke. It's no Death Machine but this thing fucking shreds in all situations.
  • Atlas: Overpowered LMG with piddly ammo capacity and the ability to fire smoke drones. What the fuck?
Sniper Rifles

Professional quickscoping apparatuses.

  • KBS Longbow: Bolt action rifle that kills in one hit from the waist up. Guess what this shit is going to be used for?
  • EBR-800: Semi auto energy sniper... that of course turns into another fucking assault rifle. Somehow serves as a Barrett .50 Cal stand in.
  • Widowmaker: Probably named by some Overwatch faggot, this is a fucked up version of the Intervention that fires a two shot burst and can get fucking collaterals with ease. Also the real Intervention is in the game so this thing exists for fuck all reasons.
  • DMR-1: An M1 Garand which... you guessed it, is already in the fucking game too! It's like Infinity Ward decided to rehash all the classic weapons because they're so shit at fictional weapons. Just as useless as the M21 EBR of old.
  • Trek-50: Single fire .50 cal with no aim assist but having the benefit of being able to kill a guy by hitting them in his big toe.
  • Proteus: Overpowered shotgun/sniper hybrid that takes even less skill than the Widowmaker to use. Honestly, why.
Sidearms

When you run out ammo. You will.

  • EMC: Energy pistol that literally does fuck all except serve as placeholder for literally anything else.
  • Oni: Full auto energy pistol. Basically used by people who can't spam the EMC or Kendall 44.
  • Kendall 44: Looks pretty much like a Glock 19 and is probably the most balanced, no bullshit pistol in the game. Use with Akimbo and Auto Sear for overpowered shit.
  • Hailstorm: A 3-round burst revolver... no wait... A 3-ROUND BURST REVOLVER????
  • UDM: Machine pistol with a slow-ish rate of fire for when the Oni and the G18 are too fucking quick for you. Has a variant that basically turns it into a sniper rifle. Retarded.
  • Stallion .44: The .44 Magnum returns, except not the good one from Modern Warfare 2 but the shitty slow one from Ghosts. Who cares.
Launchers

Blow shit up.

  • Spartan SA3: Dumb-fire or lock on launcher that will most certainly destroy all your fucking aircraft. Sucks ass against enemy soldiers.
  • P-LAW: Plasma launcher that nobody uses. You shouldn't either.
  • Howitzer: Pump action noob tube that literally does fuck all since this is post MW2.
  • Venom-X: The Extinction wonder weapon from Ghosts. Basically a spam tastic noob tube that can clear entire objectives. Consider any Domination game lost if there's an asshole on the enemy team using this god-forsaken cheap ass piece of shit.
Classic

Infinite Warfare's players will be too young to remember any of these. Also, why the fuck do they have fictional names?

  • OSA: The ARX-160 from Ghosts. Come with a built in noob-tube because fuck you. Has a ton of fucking recoil and can't hit jack shit past 5 feet.
  • MacTav-45: The UMP-45 from Modern Warfare 2. Guaranteed rape at all ranges. Use a silencer to be a real 2009 douchebag.
  • TF-141: The unholy Intervention from Modern Warfare 2. Watch as quickscopers jizz themselves over the return of the rifle that ruined sniping for everyone.
  • S-Ravage: The SPAS-12 from Modern Warfare 2. Excessive range and high damage will sit people on their ass halfway across the map.
  • M1: The M1 Garand, because for some reason every fucking CoD game nowadays has to have a version of this thing.
  • Hornet: The Glock 18 from Modern Warfare 2. Fires fast as fucking shit.
Melee

Bring a knife to a gun fight.

  • Knife: Infinity Ward adopted the same anti-panic knife system Treyarch did with Black Ops III. Enjoy your shitty two hit melees again.
  • Fists: Because the knife is gone again, you get stuck with your stupid fists if you have an empty weapon slot.
  • Axe: What the fuck.
  • Katana: WHAT THE FUCK.
  • Nunchucks: W H A T T H E F U C K
Payload Weapons

Wonder weapons for the masses.

  • Claw: Used by Warfighter. Basically a full auto scattergun that sends rounds ricocheting off every fucking surface on the map. Can clear entire rooms in seconds.
  • Steel Dragon: Used by Merc. Fires a beam of energy that automatically splits to take out nearby targets. Crowd control at it's fucking finest.
  • Equalizer: Used by Synaptic. Dual silenced machine guns pop out of your arms and you proceed to mow down crowds of faggots... or at least try to since these things run out of ammo in fucking seconds.
  • Eraser: Used by FTL and aimed like a real OG. This fucking pistol completely vaporizes targets in one shot provided your aim isn't shit.
  • Gravity Vortex Gun: Used by Stryker. Basically a big ass bazooka that fires a moving black hole that sucks shit in and rapes the fuck out of enemies. Basically it's a BFG-9000, except you'll probably miss and die.
  • Ballista EM3: Used by Phantom. Sniper rifle with built in aimbot that one shot kills everything. Lulz worthy because it causes insanely glitchy ragdolling.

Official LOLcow Status

As of May 7, 2016, Infinite Warfare has earned the holy status of being the most disliked trailer for a CoD game, ever. Let's analyse the trailer really quick, actually no because there is so much shit going on that it makes it physically impossible for a normal, healthy human to understand the trailer. The CoD community, fed up with Exo Suits, Bombing Runs, System Hacks, and One Shot One Kill Won't Even Hear It Coming essentially dislike bombed the trailer leaving it with nearly 3,000,000 and climbing compared to a little over 350,000 likes which is probably the only lulzy thing the cancer that is the CoD community will probably ever do. Infinity Ward responded basically by saying Infinite Warfare was the future for CoD and that the Modern Warfare Remaster is for people who want to go run around and kill terrorists and slavs again, which just so happens to be the entire CoD community. The could have just canned Infinite Warfare and sold Modern Warfare by itself and turned an even bigger profit because that's how glued to nostalgia these faggots are, but they might actually be truly right about CoD4, the fuckfest we all love to hate being better than the graphics from 2010 space opera with some gay ass cover of Space Oddity in the background. Things got funnier when Battlefield 1's trailer dropped on May 6, 2016 which is by the way, a World War I shooter with fucking water cooled machine guns, big ass blimps, and bi-planes. No jumping two stories in the air, no Scythe to kill your entire team, just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no Exo suit, no (insert bullshit word here) Warfare, no killstreaks, no guns that shoot lightning from across the map, no one liner cracking faggots that everyone is forced to play as, no brokeback, dime-back, Nickelback, simple, ordinary, unembellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom bomb, one compound word: it's motherfucking, goddamned, sons-of-bitchin', fuck-fuck-fucking WARFARE! Since then, a large sum of CoD's fanbase have either joined forces with EA's equally cancerous Battlefield community or have put all their faith into CoD4's remaster.

Do the world a favor and please dislike this video at least ten times.

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