Callum Stockley

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It is believed that Callum Stockley was an eleven year old boy whose life has tragically ended on June 4, 2010, with a lolful vidya gaem related death which has improved both the British and 360-playing gene pool. Young Callum's purported death -by accidentally hanging himself with the Xbox cable- gives him access to a very exclusive club of gaming Gods alongside Jake Roberts, who killed himself when he was denied to play with his wonderful Wii, and Brandon Crisp, who fell out of a fucking tree when he ran away after his precious XBawks was taken away.

However, the thing that sets this tragic game-related death apart from the others is that practically every sentence of every article regarding this event have the phrases “it is believed”, “it was heard that” or “according to”. At this point, if you think that the likelihood of someone hanging them-self "accidentally" with an XBox cable is pure bullshit, join the rest of the club, buddy; even the old media thinks this one smells fishy.

Folks, we have a little controversy here. Warwickshire Police are treating the death as "unexplained". A post mortem is expected to take place this week and an inquest will be opened and adjourned next week.

The (Frankly Dubious) Chain Of Events

According to the news, Callum was a role model and a popular student in St Giles Junior School at the age of eleven.

One fateful day, June 4th 2010, Callum was busy playing video games on his Xbox 360 sitting on the top of his bunk bed; now him being eleven, he was probably playing some shitty Sonic game. His mother then called him down for dinner. After he failed to show up downstairs for dinner she went upstairs to check up on him to see what he was up to. Shockingly, she finds her poor son hanging from the top bunk with the power cable around his neck (actual body position unknown).

 
 
"Apparently, somehow he got the cable wrapped around his neck," said a neighbour. "It looks like he accidentally hanged himself."
 

 

 
 
"The word is that it was a tragic accident" added another, who also declined to be named in the papers.
 

 

She, along with a couple neighbors and friends, has concluded that it was merely an accident. Right…

What has made this story more heartbreaking is that Callum had the ultimate army LARPer's dream. That dream would be to fight for his loving country by being garroted by razor wire by a Talib& towelhead terrorist in Afghanistan. Oh what a loss for the Coalition of the Willing. :'(

We Touched Our Son Up, He Hanged Himself And We Are Now Frantically Trying To Dig Our Way Out

   
 
I'm absolutly DISGUSTED that this page has been made in memory of a class mate and you get the foreign numptys thinkin they can join the group to make foul accusations... nothin has been confirmed about the way Callum died. u people need to leave this group and have a bit of RESPECT. a poor family and friends are heartbroken and to be reading your sick comments is not needed!! god forbid u never lose anyone in such a tragic way and especially at such a young age and for you to have foul mouthed jokes about the death!!! DISGUSTING!!!
 

 
 

—Leanne May, memorial page admin.

   
 
Gorgeous Baby Boy. Didn't know Callum, but I'm Harrison Joyce's Cousin, our gorgeous angel of 3 years old passed away a few months ago to a similar incedent. We know your pain, and our thoughts are with you always.
 

 
 

—Facebook memorial page tourist on the sudden uptick of mystery XBox deaths sweeping the UK.

   
 
You will always be in our heart, you won't EVER be forgotten. You are our army buddie. I have known you since nursery and I remember your birthday parties, your smile, your dream to be in the army. I'll remember your laugh, you were such a nice friend to everyone and you made everyone laugh.
 

 
 

—Callum's online obituary, as reported by the Daily Mail

   
 
callum u will be missed u reali liked the army and u reali wanted to join and so u didnt get to fullfill ur dream if i had the gust and the mind like u i would take ur place and join the army 4 u but i aint got the guts r.i.p
 

 
 

—The same, as it actually appears on the Facebook page

   
 
If he'd had a xbox 360 with wireless controller this tragic accident would of been avoided.
 

 
 

—Davey Boy

   
 
may all u people be sent 2 hevan 4 all of ur respect and support tht u have been giving 4 my m8
 

 
 

—Facebook

   
 
He's not going to heaven if they can't even SPELL IT PROPERLY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE
 

 
 

—Scatteredsong, #ED

   
 
Both the original Xbox and the Xbox 360 have breakaways on their corded controllers near the plug end.
 

 
 

—Marcus (uh-oh spaghetti-os!)

   
 
WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP ABOUT WIRELESS CONTROLLERS???
 

 
 

—Glen, UK (trolled)

"It It Believed" That Absolutely NOBODY Is Believing A Word Of This

Of course there were no witnesses around to see how exactly Callum has died, thus stories based on this rely on what was believed to have happened. Could Callum have really died by accidentally hanging himself? Now, you must consider the following, the story is that Callum, an eleven year old boy, was hanged by a wire. That would mean that his body would be entirely supported by a single Microsoft power lead which would pop out of the socket if accidentally yanked. This wire was anchored to a game console. Said game console wasn’t even pulled down off the bunk by his weight when he was said to have hung himself.

The police are treating Callum's death as "Unexplained." An inquest takes place toward the end of June.

   
 
Accidentally hanged himself, it was belived.
 

 
 

—The Sun

   
 
Is feared to have got the cable caught around his neck.
 

 
 

—The Sun

   
 
It is believed the accident happened when Callum leapt from the bunk.
 

 
 

—The Sun

   
 
I heard a police officer say he got the wire snagged around his neck.
 

 
 

—A neighbour

   
 
According to reports, the tragic accident...
 

 
 

—Greenwich Diva

   
 
It is believed...
 

 
 

—Greenwich Diva really like that phrase, it's in every paragraph of their coverage

   
 
It is thought he got the wires wrapped around his neck.
 

 
 

—Metro

   
 
His family were said to be shattered.
 

 
 

—Metro

   
 
Believed to have accidentally hanged himself.
 

 
 

—Topix

   
 
Described as "A tragic accident."
 

 
 

—Coventry Telegraph

   
 
Accidentally hung himself, according to police.
 

 
 

—The Mirror

   
 
Allegedly found suspended.
 

 
 

—Daily Mail

   
 
not killed by Xbox
 

 
 

—C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER! Microsoft stops the presses


It is believed that once Edgeworth and Gumshoe get access to the bedroom and have a chance to attempt to reconstruct the event as it is believed to have occurred, it is believed that those involved will have a world of uncomfortable questions to answer.

After all, as Chuck Palahniuk wrote:

 
 
Looking back, kid-psych experts, school counselors now say that most of the last peak in teen suicide was kids trying to choke while they beat off. Their folks would find them, a towel twisted around their kid's neck, the towel tied to the rod in their bedroom closet, the kid dead. Dead sperm everywhere. Of course the folks cleaned up. They put some pants on their kid. They made it look ... better.
 

 

—Though I'm not sure if these guys succeeded.

See Also

External Links

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