At its most basic, capitalism or Profit: The Game is the insane theory that people are inherently selfish and greedy assholes, and the only way anybody could work and maintain the economy is if they should be allowed to earn and own private property. As an applied economic system it permits the exchange of service for paper with no physical worth, with relatively little interference from a centralized government. The ultimate goal of any person under this system is to make as much money as possible while making everyone else as poor as dirt. It was invented by Ayn Rand in the November 1959 edition of The Objectivist. Since Ayn Rand was a woman, she argued that money is the root of all good (since money is the only motivation for women to do good).
Capitalists explain that with hard work, the Invisible Hand of the Market will inevitably lead to luxury and wealth like themselves, but this never happens. Capitalism is often the basis for much drama in LiveJournal political communities. Jews (except Jesus, Karl Marx and Noam Chomsky), Darwinists (who believe that evolutionary progress is fuelled by intelligent people obliterating the weak and dumb) and conservative types argue that capitalism is the best way for the United States, and thus the world. Liberal Communists (azad_slide and pirat_ponton, for example) think that it does nothing but fuck the poor. Due to increased production, capitalism produces legions of unemployed people, and jobs become an endangered species (in addition to every other species). Capitalism was and is the driving force behind the colonization and murder of non-Whitey, but it has been said they are now better off for it. Capitalism has spawned such places as United States and Good Korea.
And, no, idiot. Capitalism doesn't have anything to do with typing in ALL CAPS.
At least 100 years ago a man named Adam Smith was living in a shack in Scotland making a living trolling Presbyterians. He observed that the Jews, despite being not allowed to earn real estate by the laws of feudalism, made lots of Jew Gold and seduced the nobility through making their own private enterprises such as moneylending. He suddenly had the idea that if people owned private businesses instead of working for feudal lords just like what the aforementioned Jews did throughout the Middle Ages, a force called the "Invisible Hand" would guide people in the market to make decisions that would eventually lead to everybody's benefit, faggotry and butthurt. He concluded that without a centralized government interfering in a perfect market and with good conditions between buyers and sellers, people would be unable to exploit each other and would be motivated to provide good products and services in spite of exploiting each other. He ran off into the city and found a life-partner named David Ricardo who added to his theory later.
To have a "free market" there must be (1) "perfect competition" (no buyer or seller can unilaterally influence the market); (2) "perfect knowledge" (all buyers and sellers have and provide the same information); and (3) "perfect mobility" (all buyers and sellers can move to where they have the greatest competitive advantage). Since this does not exist in the US or any other country, no country truly has a capitalist society or ever will. Instead we have Corporations that want to buy and sell your life like a cheap piece of crap from Walmart.
Although people claim that there is no alternative to capitalism today, that's total bullshit since, as we've already pointed out, Capitalism is a fairytale, and, unlike the theory, in reality most capitalist countries are full of shitty service-sector jobs and low wages. But that's okay... because most people would just squander their money on hookers and blow anyway...
Capitalism was popular among intellectual circles but nobles and kings hated it. Eventually people got sick of feudalism and overthrew it with the French Revolution and the war between generally educated middle class craftsmen against the vested interest of the ruling landlords and nobility. Then everyone was happy and celebrated in the streets as businessmen hatched out of eagle eggs to swoop in and piss down wealth on the proletariat. Everybody lived in paradise (except for the poor) buying Microsoft computers and selling Abercrombie. Charles Darwin, the muhammad of Atheists, will soon become noted as the most relevant justification of Capitalism due to his explanation that nature and the world progresses through the survival of the fittest and the smartest, with retards naturally relegated to slavery, further ingraining the virtues of Capitalism in Western scientific culture. But a Heretic Jew named Karl Marx was BAWWWing on the oppression that the weak and dumb were enslaved by their capitalist overlords, and therefore created its most dark nemesis: Socialism.
The two ideologies fought each other across parallel dimensions for at least 100 years, eventually (after the epic battle of Mecha-Hitler and Robo-Stalin at Mount Olympus,) earning the epithet, the Cold War. This was cause for a lot of drama and lulz throughout much of the 20th century and still to this day as, even with the end of the war, the two philosophies continue to fling shit at each other. Especially in online journals on teh Internets.
Neither ideology is dead yet, (since neither ideology has actually been implemented yet,) but every now and then one will claim the other is dead and buried as a cheap way to claim victory. Some people think socialism died with the fall of "Communism" last Thursday (it didn't,) but these days capitalism is looking increasingly screwed as more poors protest against it every year. The heathens. Indeed, there are an unfortunate number of pesky proletarians who still don't know what's good for them. If only the Indian sweatshop worker could get off his/her lazy socialist ass and read a book by Jeffrey Sachs, he/she would know eventually capitalism will create a utopia, as has been prophesied.
The advent of robotics has greatly aided the cause of of capitalism. Advanced collection droids called the IRS(Invasive Rape Service)now patrol capitalist cities and outlying areas. These robotic rapists peer inside a civilian's house during the late hours of the night, to detect a an income of less than $100,000 a year. If such is detected, the IRS agent breaks in and then ransacks the place. Once all of the victim's possessions have been stolen, eaten, and digested into money, the robot begins raping the home owner, killing their soul with every robotic thrust. This metallic phallus is actually a "soul vacuum", which is used to suck up the rapee's soul for sale to Satan. Once their task has been completed, the IRS agent returns to it's masters (the Government and Capitalists) and cums a bounty of wet, green capital in a disgusting bukkake of horror, delighting in the reality that no one cares about you in any system, except Communism, and that life is really just a descent into a fresh hell every day.
Gallery (Admission: $10)
How To Get Ahead In Capitalism
How to Troll Capitalist Pigs
- Ask them how it feels to be corporate slaves.
- Force them to watch (or say anything good about) any of the following movies: The Corporation, Fight Club, any of the Zeitgeist movies, They Live, Inside Job, and We're Not Broke.
- Tell them that socialism/communism isn't the only alternative to capitalism.
- Insist that corporations are more of a problem then government.
- Claim capitalism killed at least 500 million people with the tobacco and fast food industry.
- Join an anti-capitalist movement and/or protest.
- Tell them that OWS will never accept them and "Occupy the Fed" will never happen.
- Show them this article.
How to Troll Anti-Capitalists
- Insist that the Fed is the reason why capitalism isn't working in the US.
- Tell them that the problem is not with capitalism itself, but rather a collusion between private enterprise and government.
- Tell them that taxation, not property, is theft.
- Tell them that this article is not meant to be taken seriously.
Other Terms For Capitalism
- Gates, Bill
- Chen, Steve
- Cohen, Lyor ✡
- Conquest, John
- Jobs, Steve
- Madoff, Bernie ✡
- God ✡ - Yes, God. God wants your money.
- Hurley, Chad
- Laudicina, Mario
- Man (the) - He's the one that's keepin' you down, brutha
- Murdoch, Rupert ✡
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