Carly Ryan

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Police.gif <3 Garry Francis Newman xxx

I will go into court as a decorated SAS officer, while you will go in as a child-abusing bitch who shoves drugs down her daughter's throat like others give them lollies.


— "Shane", the convicted murderer, in an email to Carly's mother

Somebody lied to the internets.

Most of the time when we think of Adelaide the asshole of the world comes to mind. In some strange twist of events fifteen-year old wannabe porn star Carly Ryan got her ass pwned deep in the polyp of it and ended up another soul in Heaven with Kenny, helping best Satan's army with the Holy PSP. All hail the Holy PSP.

The key to tying internet relevance to this young hotflash of jailbait dead broad was her 'hidden life' on MySpace which consisted of drugs, kink, sex, fishnets, needles, f—ked up nurses, Red N Black Frilly Underwear and watching people hook up. You know, all the things kids are doing these days.

Emo Girls Die Young

if the person who wrote this has the guts to say it to my face i want you to email me at [email protected], my name is dylan and i would love you to say this to her friends, because they will all bash the shit out of you.


Dylan Sulhan, butthurt over this article and calling Anonymous a pussy

Goodnight, sweet princess.

Sometime in February of 2007, this lady was looking for some dope down at the beach in a place called Horseshoe Bay, which can only be identified from space as a giant pimple on the ass of Earth. After tripping over a log, she started to freak the fuck out after realizing that it wasn't a piece of wood she bumbled across but a living, breathing body of a woman that was floating in the water since Mother Teresa douched herself in Heaven and let the flow drip down through our ecology.

Taking a minute to search the body for anything useful, the woman then yelled for help and some other idiot stopped his car, hoping to get some ass. When it came to light that he wasn't getting any play from Aussiejunkie he saw the body and was like hmm... not disappoint. They both dragged it out and raped it before calling the police to report this discovery. An ambulance pulled up and the paramedics raped her too. After finishing this orgy of awesomeness everyone peed on her body and decided lol she's dead.

As police scoured the area looking for clues, they found jewellery and signs of a disturbance at a nearby area called Freeman's Knob (RLY, no joke; that's what it's called). They have not yet elaborated on what those signs were. Nothing was found at the scene to help to identify the girl, and so she has been labelled a Jane Doe.

Police arrived and beat the shit out of everyone involved, including the dead body. After extracting what semen they could for posterity, the cops started an orgy with her and all the people around decided, hey, let's join in. So this big orgy is going on and someone ends up lubing up someone else's ass and the next thing you know somebody is screaming for a paramedic because a necklace got shoved up their ass by accident. Since there were paramedics on the scene from the start this made for an easy fix and evidence was recovered. At that time there was nothing at the scene or on her body to identify her other than the tattoo on her belly with an arrow pointing down to her cunt that said "STICK DICK HERE" police were unable to put a name to the face and started calling her Jane Doe #54.


Horseshoe Bay, South Australia; where emo kids are killed and emo MySpace accounts are massive in number and faggotry.

Two people getting it on earlier that day were able to give a description of the men who were last seen with Carly and also donated some of their semen to the police. Only identified as Benjamin and Anna, they told some reporter from this faggy rag called The Advertiser that when they went to Horseshoe Bay sometime in the evening to get naked on the beach, Carly was sitting on a rock dildoing herself with a Harry Potter broomstick. Ironically enough, her body was found right near that rock which goes to show that rock is never the answer, kids.

Cops remained mom on how long it was taking them to remove the dildo lodged in Carly's jaw, but this silence was shattered when our Anonymous tards ratted out themselves as narcs to the higher powers of police protection. They told them everything they saw and this resulted in a crucial lead for Salvatore Rivieri, whom recently transferred to the area.

They told the police that two emo guys spoke to Carly when she joined them on Ladies Beach. The necklace that was anally extracted from the orgy participant was not the only piece of evidence found, a ring was picked up as well. The witnesses also said Carly was acting as if she knew these guys.

She was sitting up there by herself when we got here and when the men came down, she came down and sat with them. She came down and talked to them.


—Benjamin, tarding it up with the local news

Benjamin and Anna were too busy snorting blow off each other's anus that they could not hear the conversation Carly was having with these two men who were obviously emofags, and they also noted that the two men were sitting and laying around. Srs, they were just getting ready for the JB sex coming!!!

Goddamnit, Too Many "I Am's"

Possible younger suspect, identified by
A face only an emo could love.

A 48 year old ex-Australian Army Commando which (fucking faggots) identified as "Brandon" (not fact, sauce is in quotes below) was arrested for the crime, along with his gay 17 or 18 year old son. No one on the internets is talking about what their dox are and Australia's faggot laws won't allow them to identify publicly who these two future an heroes are. However an enterprising interneter was able to screenshot kuruptkoala's MySpace, and some interesting yet equally disturbing facts can be garnered from it. These are direct quotes taken from the page and srsly you can't make this shit up (grammar unchanged!)

  • I may not be a kid anymore, but i tend to act much younger than i am, and NEVER EVER call this a mid-life crisis. To me there is no such thing.
  • All throughout our lives we are going through changes, even people in their late teens and early 20's do. It's called evolution.
  • I am very forthright and self opinionated, and this annoys some people,but they can either live with it or hate it. Either way they are not going to change me.
  • I have my left ear pierced twice,and also my nipple and tongue pierced. Ialso have some tat's. There will be more piercings over the next few months.
  • I am more a baggy jeans and t-shirt person, and am more comfortable at a live band venue than a nightclub/disco. I was in the military for a number of years and left there as a commando.
  • I have worked in a number of jobs which have included sales,marketing,hotel bouncing,and have recently had a go at web design. But the effort required for what people expect to pay for a website has meant i have put a hold on that for the time being.
  • I am about to get my security licence back, and work at that for a year while i get my life back in order after some financial disasters and several years travelling the world.
  • I am divorced, and have custody of a beautiful and loving 18 year old son. He has been my life for many years after i was awarded custody of him, and he always will be my life. Noone will ever change that!
  • I could say i have already met the one person i consider the one true love of my life, she is gone, some time ago, but that is another story.
  • I need to sort my life out a bit first, but when i do meet someone, she has to keep fit, like to party a bit,enjoy travel and the outdoors, and i do go for women somewhat younger than me usually.
  • I like piercings, someone sexually adventurous, and a great sense of humor is a MUST!

For those of you who are suffering from TL;DR syndrome, we'll sum this up right now. This faggot was having a huge mid-life crisis and thought that making a MySpace page to attract emo bitches in his area would be a great idea. Eventually he met Carly and she fell for his line of bullshit, seeing how she's into the same sick fuckery that he is, like a Buffalo Bill in training. As it's putting the lotion on it's skin, it attempts to identify with the teenage populace on the site, since it's common knowledge that young emo girls are dying for the cock due to their inherent sluttery. Dude involved his son, thinking he could teach the kid how to get his dick wet but everything went IM PRESSIN CHARGES and Carly ended up dead.

One Emo E-Slut Seeking Sugardaddy

The official police press release regarding Carly's death.
Murdered...or asking for it??

For some strange reason unknown to mankind, Carly was e-introduced to this sick fuck and two became one. Here are some lulzy quotes left on his comments page from the synthetic slut herself.

ahhaha YEs you did get carried away lmao there awesome though WHY THE FUK IS ASH UR TOP FRIEND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OVER ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :o:o:o YOU REATRD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -KILLS!!!!!- MOTHER FUKER!


—Butthurt over some 15 year old stupid shit.

argghhhhhhhhhhhh i am annoyed lol .. my tummy hurts :( *hits it * love you



—Trying for an abortion and failing.

HAHAHA ... you my stalker ???? :) ok :D



HaHa omg! i love it man !!! grr you know me to well lmfao :D:D shes wiked!!! love you ... oh btw when there is an alian running around your back yard you sneak up on it and hit it with a bread boared :) x.


—Impress us with that grammar, not your pussy pls.

well there gos you meeting me coz of brandon fuked up reasons... cyax


—Potential proof the son's name (or someone else's) is Brandon

Little do we all know that they ended up meeting, on a beach, on some rock. And when she ended up dead it became clear that there was a link between MySpace and this real-life situation. Some argue that Carly wasn't able to handle the sexual desires of someone much older and more experienced in raping and things like that than she was, and simply succumbed to his cock (moar like sucked cum FROM his cock, AMIRITE). But since the police never released any details about whether or not there was a potential sexual assault committed, we'll never know or give a shit.

Hi, I'm Dead. Why?

Carly's pill popping mama - Sonya Ryan

Questions remained unanswered that need attendanced, such as:

We may not find out the answers, but at least the world has a way to remember our little slut of the syntury.

In the courts (finally!)

After two years of "investigating", the case finally hit the judicial system and the true story has slowly been revealed. As it turns out, Brandon Kane was nothing more than a online alter-ego created by a Victorian 50-year-old man and his 19-year-old son. Carly and "Brandon" became online friends via MySpace and quickly became romantic. The father and son had another perspective of romance however, and were actually baiting Carly for some good ol' family fun; a father and son threesome.

Carly Ryan spoke constantly to people, particularly her mother and cousin, about Brandon. She professed to love Brandon and she believed that he loved her. But Brandon was fictitious; an internet construct, the cyberspace alter-ego of the father, the son or both of them.


— Tim Preston,

What the future holds

Due to the nature of the crime, it is expected that Brandon Kane (read: pedo-dad and disappointed son) will be in for a decade of wonderful shared romantic evenings at the hands of their prison chums. It is highly likely that father and son will soon experience the sheer delight of having a threesome...with six other large men.

Identities Revealed

The main man himself. He looks much better without all the blurry shit covering his face, amirite?

"Christine" claims one night he sexually abused her with a bottle when she was 15 minutes late from work.


— Daddy had a bottle fetish [1]

IT WAS GARY FRANCIS ALL ALONG!!!11. It seems that the court suppression order has been lifted and this loli-lover can now be publicly named and shamed. Not only is Mr. Francis a child killer and compulsive liar, but he also subjected his ex-wife to horrible beatings during a 10 year period, doing little to raise the reputation such as other noteworthy Australian residents. Quite understandably his ex-wife was overjoyed with his conviction, not even knowing that he had been charged for slaying poor little Carlz, and remarked that she "hopes he gets everything that he deserves in jail".

Gary says he's appealing [2], but it is doubtful anyone's ever found this to be true. More likely he means Brandon is appealing. And he is. He's a dreamboat.


See Also

should probably read "forever an emo dipshit"...

External Links

Carly Ryan
is part of a series on
Just another British fucking colony...


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