Cascada

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srsbusiness
I bet someone out there is fapping to this, amirite?

CASCADA, or better known as Cascada, because its few fans disregard its love for caps lock, is a shittastical German Eurodance group. Because they have no ounce of fucking creativity, its resorts to gaying up other singles from different music groups noone's ever heard of until now so they can receive some smidgen all the attention and accolades from various critics, when there are other acts better than what they are. Songs they are responsible for butchering include, "Everytime We Touch", "Truly, Madly, Deeply", "Miracle", and "What Hurts The Most". The group (if you can call it one) is composed of vocals Natalie Horler (moar liek Natalie Whore, amirite?), and producers DJ Manian and Yanou, the same fag who created the annoying single "Heaven" with the equally fucktarded DJ Sammy. That too, was a remix, so take note, everyone.

The trio is a favorite of many animu lovers, 16-year-old girls unable to get laid, and hardcore dance fans. To date, Cascada has two albums, Everytime We Touch and Perfect Day To Become An Hero.

Natalie's Beginnings

Though being of British descent, leader singer Natalie was born in Bonn, Germany at least 100 years ago; there are rumors on the internets the entire family was accused of Nazi behavior because England was still butthurt from WWII, thus their exodus to Germany, but this has not been confirmed. Not surprisingly, little Natalie grew up in a family where music and her English style were important parts of their lives. It was because of this Natalie decided to pursue a career as a singer.

Manian and Yanou's Beginnings

Are irrelevant. They still suck.

Back to Natalie, Becoming a Singer

Much to contrary belief, Natalie was not an overnight success but rather, had her humble beginnings in bars and casinos. Though sexually harassed on a constant basis and almost raped by the drunks in said bars and casinos, Natalie refused to give up hope that someone would recognize her talent and make her the Sparkly Sugarpoo Dance Princess she had always wanted to be.

How She Managed To Seal the Deal With DJ Manian and Yanou

They spotted her singing for a gig one night, liked what she had and they all lived happily evar after.

SOMEONE IS NOT HAPPY. >:C

Cascada's "Music"

Is made of great fail, srsly. Unless, of course, you actually like that shit; in which case, you should reconsider your taste in music and try liking something preferably made of less fucking fail.

Everytime We Touch

All of the songs on Cascada's first album go as so:

  • start with fairly quiet beginning
  • build up tempo
  • AWSUM LEERICKZ OF LUV!!1!!
  • ZOMFG AWSUM BEETZ NO WORDZ 4 5 MINUTEZ!1!1!
  • moar words
  • MOAR BEETZ!!1!!!
  • song ends

Just like how "Everytime We Touch" goes. Coincidence? Nope, just a way to scam fans of their money. Yet their hardcore fans are too stupid to realize this and pay them for making "AWSUM MUISC ILU NATALIE!!11 <333333333" But such idiots are not without their lulz, for every time they log into iTunes and see someone mentioning just how much she lacks, they go batshit crazy and post something akin to this:

Not even shitting you, guys.


   
 
WHY ARE YOU ALL SAYING STUFF LIKE THAT ABOUT MY COUSIN HUH! WELL WHATEVER SHE ROCKS AND ALL YOU PEOPLE KEP UP CAUSE SHE IS THE NEXT BIG THING AND DANCE MUSIC AND TECHNO IS GUNNA BE THE NEXT BIG THING TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

 
 

—Alyssa Gaseor, a.k.a. a typical Cascada fan and clearly not Natalie's cousin. Also known as Retardius Fangirlius; there is only one known solution to be rid of this ailment.

Oh, yes, next big thing. Everyone will have to keep up with them, I'm sure.

Perfect Day

Released in 2008, many hopefuls that hadn't been completely turned off by Cascada's sheer fail eagerly anticipated their sophomore effort. Perfect Day fucking stole redid STOLE Rascal Flatts' hit, "What Hurts The Most", and whaddaya know?! ANOTHER HIT SINGLE, EVERYONE!11!!1oneone!1!!

Moar lulz ensued on the internets battlefield upon the album's release, with its warriors dishing out their most scathing rebuttals yet for those who dared to tarnish Cascada's good name:


   
 
u dirty mosha fuckin wrist slitin sad twats of a muda trucka need to get a life the only reason u dont like cascada's music is coz uv all gon a blown ya ear drums listening to all that fuckin guitar hero shit!
 

 
 

—Yeah, you tell 'em, grrl!!1!!!

As to be expected, a lot of Rascal Flatts fans are out to do the Nazis in for completely slaughtering the song with happy-go-lucky beats and vocals that shatters the eardrums of those who were fortunate to have them until the point of listening to the song. Here's to hoping something does happen to them.

Will Cascada Get the Initiative to Create Good Music?

Forecasters are saying no. But feel free to waste your monies on a Nazi group anyway.

Where Natalie will be in 5 or so months.

Remixes of Remixes? LOLWUT?

And as if the two craptastical albums they've puked out weren't enough to make the average Joe's psyche disintegrate into nothing, Cascada's also released several albums making remixes... of remixes. As to be expected with a very promising group with a fresh and original sound, the remixes have been moderately successful. Yea, and just when you thought you could get away from the insanely ridiculously amount of air time and AMVs to "Everytime We Touch", her fucking company had to release the remixes, which probably suck moar than the actual albums. Some argue Cascada is secretly undeniably Jewish because no one is that money hungry and not Jewish but the matter is disputed though it's pretty much the fucking truth, kthnx.

EASY STEPS TO CREATE MONIES, CASCADA STYLE:

1. Steal obscure song.
2. Make it into a faggoty dance hit that brainwashes the world.
3. Make said faggoty dance hit into a remix.
4. ????
5. PROFIT!!!

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