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Holy fuck! Alucard is Dracula spelt backwards!

Castlevania is a video game series which began life as a Super Mario Bros. dominating action-adventure for Nintendo's NES andSNES systems. Over the passing years newer installments would slowy succumb to the tsunami-wave of anorexic thirteen-year old anime fanboys and emo-furfags who'd never even played an emulated version of the original series, lamentably resulting in the situation that releases such as Castlevania: Judgement appeal more to the Sonichu fanbase.

The Story

All titles in the Castlevania series conform to one of these two structures:

Castlevania games before 1997 were made in the traditional arcade style. They usually opened with a Vampire Hunter standing in front of Dracula's castle and then presented a whole bunch of levels where the you got knocked off platforms repeatedly by fucking Medusa heads and balrog testicles. The player would proceed to kill bats, mummies, Frankenstein-monsters, Rudy Eugene and Death before then finally fighting Dracula.

After 1997 all the games became all non-linear and got a ton of RPG elements added. The vampire hunting industry is taken over by transexuals clad in name-brand fashion acessories, shit is so cash. You alternate back and forth through a castle collecting kick-ass weapons and all the other important shit you need to kill Dracula.

Castlevania Evolution.jpg

TL;DR: It's pretty much just crossover fanfiction of the Bram Stoker novel and every B-Movie in existence.

A note about non-linearity in Castlevania - The post SoTN games really are linear as all they really are is a series of fetch quests to get items and beat bosses then fornicate with other men so that whichever Belmondo you are controlling can have the story pushed forward. If they really were non-linear then surely you could just go kill Dracula and then go outside to find women to have sex with. Then again, you are reading ED; so you might as well just play Julius mode and avoid the embarrassment.

The Games

NES Castlevania. That's right, in the 80s zombies were pink.
Symphony of the Night
  • Castlevania

The first offering of the shitstorm yet to come. It consists of getting you getting knocked off ledges and dying. After struggling to beat the game you unleash Hard-Mode where your are CONSTANTLY zerg rushed by as many fucking bats as the game-engine can produce. The ability to change direction in the middle of a jump does not exist, causing most players to uncontrollably RAGE. The next 3 million games are like this, each with slowly improving graphics.

You play as Simon Belmont, a Vampire Slayer, who uses a leather whip amongst other kinky Catholic sex-toys to rape 8-Bit skeletons. The bosses of the game are Dracula (obviously) and a couple of B-Movie monsters including Mummies and Frankenstein.

  • Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest

The game existed solely to sell copies of Nintendo Power so people could find out just what to do with the Red Crystal. In an attempt to revolutionize all gaming Konami tried their best to integrate RPG elements into the Medusa-head-dodging simulator's sequel. Of course, they fucked it all up and it had all the usual problems of JRPGs; poor translation, a useless levelling system to pad out gameplay, random uses for random items and in an attempt to be unique THE MORNING SUN HAS VANQUISHED THE HORRIBLE NIGHT.

  • Castlevania (MSX)

This was a port of the NES and FDS game to the MSX, but apart from the title had almost fuck-all to do with the game. It had Simon Belmont and Dracula, but that's where the similarities ended. It had solid controls and some posit, felt much more atmospheric than the other version. It was not without problems however, the game was often described as "frustrating" and did possess the appearence of having been designed by a person who having opened up a level editor randomly clicked away with their eyes sown shut. It also included the easiest Final-Boss fight in the series, quite possibly in any game of it's time. If you don't believe us, just look at this shit.

Finally comprehending the abomination they had produced, Konami went back and shuffled around the sprites from the first Castlevania. They then added some new characters; most notably Alucard. Other than that, it's the same game as the first one, commencing a long-standing tradition that the series would only reset with Symphony of the Night.

  • Super Castlevania IV

In order to appease twelve-year olds who wanted to see Castlevania in glorious 16-bit color, Konami proceeded to produce the shittiest side-scrolling Castlevania to date. Seen by some fans to be a remake of the original it really is nothing more than Konami trolling its fanbase because, let's face it... every side-scrolling Castlevania is a remake of the original. Most fans considered it God's gift to man because OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU CAN WHIP IN 8 DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.

  • Bloodlines

After fucking-up everything that could have been fucked with Super Castlevania IV, Konami lept forth to put right what once went wrong with the first and only Castlevania for the Sega Genesis. In it you play as two distinguished gentlemen in the forms of John Morris, your typical whip-wielding protagonist, and Eric Lecarde, a guy with the best fucking spear in any video game. These guys apparently were in the Bram Stoker novel as this game takes place right after its events, making it the only Castlevania in canon with the original Dracula story... and therefore the only one that matters. Konami finally realized that it was fucking stupid collecting hearts to power your weapons so instead you collect gems, this makes so much more sense. You can also perform an "ITEM-CRASH" with your weapons like you could do in Dracula X. Also carried over from Dracula X is the ability to jump on-and-off those fucking stairs finally, making the controls the best in the entire series. Despite all these improvements, Bloodlines manages to be the hardest Castlevania game to date making it another textbook example of how it sucks ass no matter what console.

  • Symphony of the Night

The sprites are cooler and the game system has been RPG-ified. The storyline is the epitome of failure but the gameplay is so great you won't give a fuck. There are shitloads of weapons/items/collectables to run around discovering and this serves to make the game a lot less boring. You play as a vampire named |Alucard and plow through the castle to find the owner is a Belmont. You receive magic Beer-Goggles and discover that he's controlled by the evil lawyer, Shaft. This creates a loophole in his contract allowing Dracula to be revived yet again.

[[Collapse Me][More shit games]]

  • Castlevania and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness

Amazed at the continued success of the least innovative series to date, Konami decided it was time to troll their fans and see if there was something they wouldn't buy. It took them two tries on the N64, but they succeeded.

  • Castlevania Chronicles

First released for some Japanese computing machine in 1993, it was later released on the PS1 in 2001, scaring long-time fans that the series was reverting to its prior suck. It's essentially a remake-of-a-remake, or maybe just a remake of the first game directly... actually, yes it is that game again.

  • Lament of Innocence

After fucking up Castlevania 64 they decided to give another go at a 3D Castlevania in the series. The end product wasn't half bad. It wasn't half good, either.

Basically you play as Leon Belmont, a knight who fought in the Crusades who has to save his wench from some ginger vampire named Walter. To make his whip strong enough to fuck Walter he has to murder his wife with it. He does so and it creates teh whip "Vampire Killer". You go back after Walter and kill him, then there is a crazy twist revealing how Dracula came to be.

Probably the worst Castlevania ever made. You play as Jonathan Morris and Charlotte Aulin (Aulin meaning All-in in reference to her huge fucking vagina, the prick-teasing bitch). The castle is now full of paintings which serve as portals leading to Egypt, England or wherever the hell they please, the Final Boss is none other than the mysterious bald-headed man who paints them. Yeah, it's Dracula, like we didn't see that coming. To kill the Final Boss you must embark upon training under the tutelage of a ghost. After you beat the game you can play as "Richiter" Belmont. The remainder of the game has its share of typos.

  • Curse of Darkness

A really weird game where you play as a character named Hector who chooses to place his trust in a weird monk instead of a spiffy time-traveler. There's also some dumb witch who's the sister of the psychotic ginger you're trying to kill the whole fucking time, I mean seriously wouldn't you stop a guy from killing your brother? But noooo, she says he's CUUURSED. Anyway, you go through the game, getting furries and fighting really weird and easy enemies, kinda like every other single Castlevania game without the gathering of furries and shit. Weapons include a Lightsaber, a Power-Glove and even Death's scythe, but you often have to sacrifice already collected weapons in order to receive the newer ones, once you've upgraded you've cast your lot. Your rival is Isaac, a medieval Joker but really fucking gay with red hair. He owns Trevor Belmont then kisses him right before finishing him off. The furry monsters comprise of a fairy, a gay dog-giant, a golem who can turn into a weeaboo, a blob that resembeles Chaos from Sonic Adventure and THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH. Then there's a black Mage that's pretty badass but one of its final forms is some princess who spams stars at shit. Then you get a bird which is just.. a bird. One of it's forms is a mass of meat on a pair of wings. Then you get the devil type... innocent devil. Real creative, huh? Then, after you go through all the boring shit you fight the last boss, DRACULA. (OMG!) After Hector pusses out on killing Isaac, that weird monk faggot reveals that he's Death and that he'ss gonna rape your ass, right after he puts Isaac into a coffin to turn into Dracula, however that works. You then fight Death and he turns out to be the slowest most miserable fuck you could ever possibly hope to fight in a game. After you beat him you can go into Boss Rush mode for a material which you couldn't before to get the Power-Glove which is really just t3h l33t [email protected] Utilised correctly you can create your very own volcano.

tl;dr: Just another Castlevania, except you summon monsters and there's a time-traveller that has nothing to do with the story.

  • Order Of Ecclesia

The final Castlevania game for the Nintendo DS, it had "realistic art for character portraits and was really fucking hard, which is important to Castlevaniatards since many of them were pissed Dawn Of Sorrow and Portrait Of Ruin were more easy than an auditorium full of nymphomaniacs. It also let the fans play as a half naked emo with magic tattoos who gets her brain fucked by an oldfag, is forced to kill off some guy screams every goddamned shot he fires likes a retard who had feelings for or some shit, and spends half her time not getting her surprisingly fuckable ass killed being hit on by ronery lesbians (both humans and monsters). Eventually, she kills the oldfag, Dracula drools into his wineglass until she cockblocks him, then he tries to kill her by prancing back and forth like a faggot. She pwns his ass using his own powers and finishes off the screaming guy's soul in the process. She cracks a smile, then later becomes an even more emo nun after the ending.

  • Castlevania: Judgement

One day Konami was on LSD and they thought that "hey, why we don't make a fighting game while all those fans are making indie fighting games that nobody cares about?" and they decided to make this horrid abomination of a fighting game. And because it's a fighting game the character designs had to be more cooler, so they decided to release the artist who drewn Death Note and set him free of his rampage against the series without any restriant on how he designs. As a result, Simon Belmont turns into a light yagami ripoff in a hard gay outfit, Maria turns into a sailor moon ripoff who attacks with magical animals, while Eric Lecarde is a Shota Trap. It also turns out that Trevor Belmont had ran into a love triangle with Grant and Sypha And Maria Cannot get enough of boobs. This has officially ruined the franchise with a massive pile of faggotry and fail that slowly spun the franchise to it's own grave.


Whenever someone mentions that this is the real Alucard, an army of whiny fanboys will make pained rebuttals, and claim that Ayami Kojima's is the real one.
Left: Sypha before his sex change. Right: After sex change.

Vampire Hunters

  • Simon: The Belmont everyone knows and loves, and starred in the original, which is always the best. Konami loves him so much that they recycled his game several times. Truly all that is man, Simon can do fucking anything with the whip. The only thing that sucks about Simon is that he can't do shit on the stairs (except in Super Castlevania IV). ED hopes he kills Stephanie Meyer in the next Castlevania.

  • Trevor: An ancestor of Simon. He needed friends to kill Dracula. What a pussy. He also married a transsexual witch. He pops up again in one of the newer 3D games, where he does nothing but troll the player. He gets his comeuppance, however, when he's taken down and molested by the game's villain.

  • Richter: Fought alongside Maria Renard and Alucard. He was controlled by Dracula, but only after getting his shit packed in by Alucard did he come to his senses. He originally looked like Ryu, but was updated for Symphony of The Night and the Dracula X Chronicles to look like every other Belmont, with the added bonus of greasy, unkempt hair. May be related to Richiter Belmont, who you can play as in Portrait of Ruin.

  • Julius: A modern Belmont, Julius is the most powerful Belmont to date and the only one to have facial hair, which may or may not be related to his powers.

  • Alucard: The son of Dracula, and his pseudonym is Dracula spelt backwards. His real name is "Adrian Farenheit Tepes". He hates his dad, probably because he was not given enough hugs as a child. In the future he pretends to be Japanese, calling himself Vagina Alucardo. He is the most fapped-to person in the series by fanboys and fangirls alike, due to his cool powers and hawt looks. Suggestions have been made of just going ahead and making a game where you play as Alucard to rescue Alucard from Alucard in a castle that's made of nothing but high-resolution images of Alucard.

You'd hit that.

Dracula and his Bitches

  • Dracula: The constant villain of the series. In every game, he gets brought back from the dead, and a Belmont has to kill him again. His usual tactics include breaking a large number of wine glasses and transforming into his true form, which is never the same thing in any game, possibly the only variety in the series. Supposedly destroyed once and for all by Julius Belmont in 1999. HE'S BACK!!!

  • Death: Before death, a nigga. no, really. thats all you need to know.

The Music

It's overrated.

The Fandom

There's little information available about the Castlevania fandom currently, as it rarely escapes it's parent's basement.

There is multiple fandom for Castlevania such as the knockoff JKA Mod being developed by omegasigma from FileFucks. There are now multiple ways to troll the fandom.

  • In a poll about who's the best character, point out that Alucard is a shitty hero and Simon Belmont is moar manly.
  • If you want an easy way to troll a Castlevania forum, find a thread about fans that really likes "realistic" looking character art in the games (like what was found in Aria Of Sorrow and Order Of Ecclesia), and tell them you like animu style art instead. That'll piss them off or really irritate them at the least. Specify that you liked the art in Portrait of Ruin the best to further piss them off. For the finishing touch, call everyone who doesn't agree with you a faggot or something similar.
    • Alternatively, praise the art style of Castlevania Judgment unironically and be an insulting dick to everyone who disagrees with you.


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See also

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