Chicago Cubs

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Even the first result for "Cubs player" on google images is a man emotionally destroyed

Whenever I see someone wearing a blue Cubs jersey I always say, Hey nice shirt... Where's the matching red rubber ball nose and floppy shoes that go with it?


The Chicago Cubs are an incredibly bad Major League Baseball team. This, on its own, would not warrant an Encyclopedia Dramatica article, but when you couple the fact that the Cubs suck so bad with the fact that the team trolls their own fans, the whole subject gains new light. Not only do the Cubs rip the beating hearts out of their fan’s chests every year, they are also the subject of various blogs, forums, and websites where all you can hear are the wailings and moanings of their emotionally destroyed devotees.

Whole television shows, businesses, and even curses have been created to explain this phenomena, but the plain fact of the matter is that the Chicago Cubs will never win a World Series ever again…because God hates them.

Things That Have Happened Since The Cubs Have Won A World Series

Lou Piniella, coach of the Chicago Cubs.
  • Radio was invented; Cub fans got to hear their team lose.
  • TV was invented; Cub fans got to see their team lose.
  • Baseball added 14 teams; Cub fans got to see AND hear their team lose to more teams.
  • George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
  • Haley's Comet passed Earth... twice.
  • Harry Caray was born... and died. Incredible, but true.
  • The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
  • The Chicago White Sox became the only "second" team for a city to outdo its primary team.
  • Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
  • Sixteen US presidents were elected.
  • There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
  • Prohibition was created, and repealed.
  • The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion picture.
  • Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
  • A combination of 40 summer & winter Olympics have been held.
  • Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
  • Bell bottoms came in style, went out of style, and came back in style.
  • The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks, and Florida Marlins have ALL won the World Series.
  • The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games and have lost the majority of them.
  • Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were added to the Union.

The Curse of the Billy Goat

Cubs fans, tired of lifting their arms to the heavens and asking God “WHY?” have formulated several curses to explain their team’s lack of winning. All of these curses, much like any other form of voodoo, are pure garbage. The real reason why the Cubs repeatedly suck is because their owners, front office, management, and players are all dumbshits. Seriously, spend some of that money you are bilking out of your fans and buy yourself a few good players. You may just win something.

Ways to Rip the Beating Heart From the Chest of a Cubs Fan

Bartman screwing his team out of a World Series.
The famous black cat at Shea Stadium.

How to Troll a Cubs Fan

Shame on you, haven't they suffered enough?


Mark Prior and Frank Thomas both die. God shows Mark Prior around heaven. They finally get to Mark Prior's new house. Its a smaller one bedroom with faded cubs banners and a few hats. God looks at him and says, "Be happy, most people don't even get a house". Prior then looks over on a hill and sees a huge mansion with White Sox flags, banners, jerseys etc.... And Prior says "Why does Frank Thomas get such a nice house and mine is so bad!" God says, "That's not Frank Thomas' house. Its mine".


Q: What did Jesus say to the Cubs last time he was on Earth?
A: "Don't do anything til I get back."

Q: Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?
A: Two sips and then you choke.

Q: What's the difference between Denny Neagle and a Cubs season ticket holder?
A: Both walk away drunk and in handcuffs, but at least Denny didn't overpay.

Q: How can you tell it's summer in Chicago?
A: The Cubs are in 4th place.

Q: What happens the second day of the baseball season?
A: The Cubs are mathematically eliminated from winning the World Series.

Milton Bradley

When one googles for images of "Milton Bradley Cubs", they come across a story board. It almost seems unlikely that this wasn't intentional, whether it be by Google or some really nerdy baseball fans.


There's nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn't help.


—Bill Buckner

Noise pollution can't be that much of a problem. There's nothing to cheer about.


—State rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at Wrigley Field

You get tired of looking at garbage in your own backyard.


—Cubs manager Lee Elia in 1983 about why the Cubs got rid of so many players. Elia was fired later that same season.

The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter.


—Radio deejay

The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets.


—Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman

One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth.


—Joe Garagiola

The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street--a lot of singles, but no action.


—Garagiola again

The latest diet is better than the Pritikin Diet. You eat only when the Cubs win.


—pianist George Shearing

They look so cute in their little pajama uniforms.



Cubs Video

Eddie Vedder trolls Cubs fans.

Please stop...believin.

Lou Piniella getting tossed out of a game.

Steve Bartman getting tossed out of Wrigley Field

A family of Cardinals fans trolling the Cubs.

I'm a Cubs Fan - It's who we are, it's what we do.

Obligatory Hitler video.

Obligatory Hitler video number 2.

See Also

External Links

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Chicago Cubs is part of a series on


Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.

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