Christopher J Kluwe, aka Loate or , is a former handegg punter who, when he got fired for being too old and too shitty, first blamed it on the team not liking his obsession with faggots (his dad is, of course, a fucking millionaire... Spoiled rich kid is a racist and SJW? What are the odds?), and then tried to get revenge on them by exposing the fact some of them sleep with little girls. This soon backfired when people began asking why he helped cover up a statutory rape and bringing up the fact he calls people faggots and laughs at anal child rape while pretending to care about the rights of said faggots.
Today Chris can be found obsessively playing WoW like a lifeless loser, writing awful books, writing awful Gawker articles, making awful music, beating his kids and slowly transforming into a balding neckbeard while forcefully trying to insert himself into GamerGate in a pathetic attempt to both protect his video game journalist friends that he writes for/with and play in his band, as well as to cling to what spec of fading relevance he still has left.
- 1 Career end
- 2 WoW addiction
- 3 GamerGate, racism and misogyny
- 4 Other Shit
- 5 Chris loves ED
- 6 To sum up
- 7 See Also
- 8 External links
Kluwe was an old, overpaid, washed-up has-been with a knee injury. He used to play for the Vikings until they kicked his ass out for wanting more money in exchange for an ever shittier performance every year. After being shit-canned, Kluwe threw a tantrum, claiming he is being fired for being a faggot-loving SJW, despite the fact everyone knows hand egg players all fuck each other in the shower room while real men play rugby.
“The record fails does not support the claim that the Vikings released Kluwe because of his activism on behalf of same-sex marriage, but instead because of his declining punting performance in 2012 and potentially because of the distraction caused by Kluwe's activism as opposed to the substance of such…The objective evidence, in addition to the subjective evaluation of coaches, special teams staff members and external evaluators, simply contradict Kluwe's view of his performance in 2012. No interviewed witness agreed that Kluwe had a good year in 2012… There is also the issue of Kluwe's age (31) and salary ($1.3 million) in 2012 and slated salary of $1.4 million in 2013. Several coaching staff members noted that Kluwe's age, previous knee injury and leg strength showed a punter in decline. Also, the Vikings were able to sign drafted punter (Jeff) Locke for $405,000, less than one third of Kluwe's scheduled 2013 salary…In grading Kluwe, (Angelo and Hentrich) considered criteria, including but not limited to: (1) get-off time; (2) gross punting average; (3) net punting average; (4) hang time; (5) directional punting; and (6) pooch punting…Angelo said that if he held the title of General Manager for the Minnesota Vikings for the 2012 season, he would have “in all likelihood” released Chris Kluwe as the Vikings punter.”
Since his unceremonious termination, Chris has receded into the usual mental state of over-the-hill athletes that realizes their best years are already behind them at the age of 28, and went into a deep state of denial and perpetual internet meltdown that lets everyone watch his rapid physical and mental deterioration as a result of prolonged steroid abuse and multiple, sports-related head injuries.
Tries to get revenge by admitting he covered up a rape
Be it due to roid rage or regular tard rage, Kluwe joined Arthur Chu in the ranks of SJWs who defend women by covering up rapes, and then decided to tell everyone about it via a Twitter rant, in a sad attempt to get revenge on his team for firing him. Chris explained how two of his viking friends were caught fucking an underage girl. However, this quickly backfired on Kluwe when everyone asked why he didn't report it to the police.
Kluwe claimed that he would tell all when his lawsuit against the Minnesota Vikings came to trial, stating that it would be "more fun that way".One month later, Kluwe and the Vikings settled their dispute, so the name of the rapists will be forever hidden somewhere in the damaged brain of Chris Kluwe, leaving fans to wonder if he made it all up in the first place or if those two guys are still out there raping people and Chris just doesn't care.
Penn State Victim joke
But this wasn't the only incident where Chris got to show everyone how "progressive" he is. There was also the time he was caught making homophobic jokes about child rape. Yes, despite constantly bragging about his support of faggots getting married, your champion liked to cut a hole in his pants and walk around the team's locker room making fun of Penn State rape victims, reportedly in front of large groups of visiting businessmen. When confronted with this, Kluwe responded by saying his entire team was making child molestation jokes for over a month so that makes it okay.
Ultimately this proves that, be they a handegg team or invading barbarians, all vikings love rape.
In what must be one of history's saddest falls from grace, Chris turned from a professional athlete into a pathetic, WoW obsessed nerd.
In a sad attempt to recapture his fading youth, Chris put the word "Warcraft" in his Twitter handle and now plays non-stop World of Warcraft while insisting that E-sports are real sports!!! To make sure his appearance match his new life status, Chris has been gradually devolving into a skinny, sunken-faced, unwashed basement dweller with a thinning head of hair.
As far as his actual playing skills go, Kluwe likes to brag about how good he is, but everyone who's seen him play says he's shit... Which must make the transition from his hand egg days much smoother.
GamerGate, racism and misogyny
Believing he's a "gamer" now (seriously, what a sad thing to aspire to), Chris made an ill-advised attempt to make himself relevant again by dipping his toe in the GamerGate cesspool. After months of making an ass of himself on twitter and letting everyone see how far he's fallen, Kluwe saw that David Pakman invited an MRA neo-nazi who supports GG (don't they all?) to his show and made fun of him. So, in a desperate attempt to convince himself that someone is an ally to his cause, Kluwe invited himself to the show as well, thinking he would find a sympathetic ear. All of this probably has something to do with the fact he wrote a book and is part of a band with Game Informer's "journalist" Andrew Reiner, or his long-standing involvement with Gawker Media.
The interview actually went pretty well, so Kluwe could have been satisfied with it and left it at that. But he didn't. Instead, in a brain damage induced stupor, Kluwe mistook himself for some sort of intellectual superman and got Pakman to agree to let him take part in a debate. Properly assessing Kluwe's level of intellect, Pakman pit him against Mercedes Carrera, a professional
prostitute porn star. However, Mercedes has a degree in engineering, and even if she didn't, sucking cocks for a living still makes you a more apt candidate to take part in a debate than spending several years being dropped on your head.
The debate went as expected, as Kluwe showed up to it wearing a dirty shirt and with unwashed hair. No one is sure what was said in this debate, since everyone was so distracted by Kluwe's newly forming bald-spot, but at the end of it many of GamerGate's opposition (that Kluwe sought to represent) announced that they are switching sides because Kluwe is a misogynist for daring to disagree with a woman.
And then, he did this...
Not satisfied with his glorious results, Chris went back to twitter and called Mercedes a "Nacho shield" (because she's a fat spic), before blocking Mercedes so she couldn't respond. And with that, Kluwe added "racist" to his ever growing list of achievements as a "progressive".
At some point, Chris took one too many tackles to the face and the brain damage made him think he can write, when in reality it only reduced his 3rd grade writing level to that of a brain-dead vegetable.
His first "Book" is this abomination. He wrote it after his LiveJournal (lol he seriously still uses LiveJournal) got a few likes, or whatever it is whoever still uses LiveJournal gets, and began to fancy himself a writer. This rag consists of nothing but incoherent, two page long rants about random topics that Kluwe is angry about but doesn't understand, all of which have been discussed a million times by other, smarter people. This makes even the use of the word "Unique" in the title painfully ironic. Also, much of the book is written in ALL CAPS (I'm not joking).
"PRIME: A Genesis series Event Part 1"
A book co-written by Andrew Reiner, known for being executive editor of "Game Informer" and being in Chris' shitty band. I wonder why Chris would be so adamant in attacking GamerGate, just because he is BFF with one of those having to adhere to common journalistic guidelines...
Anyway, the book itself is trash (big surprise). A derivative turd that reads like a Frankenstein's monster, composed from the rotting corpses of better Sci-fi novels. It's one part Cowboy Bebop, one part X-Files and zero parts talent. It tries to be science fiction, but ends up being horror by virtue of its title implying that this atrocity will have a part 2.
TrippingIcarus is Chris' band that he's in with his writing and journalism buddy Andrew Reiner (seriously, are these two fucking or something?). We think it's supposed to be a Nickelback cover band, but they somehow screwed up and became even worse. All of their music can be described as "Ear rape" and their only "achievement" is being listed as "Number 11 most famous rock in Minneapolis on Reverbnation", despite Kluwe's celebrity status (or maybe it couldn't influence their popularity because no one cares about Kluwe).
Chris loves ED
Chris really loves our site...
That's how much he likes us! <3 Well, congratulations Chris! You don't have to write an article about yourself anymore because you've finally become irrelevant enough for an internet website about memes to write about you! Aren't you proud?
Oh, and if you're reading this, please don't write anything for us. I know you think you would be entertaining, but we've seen your tweets and we've seen your book and we beg to differ.
To sum up
- Hand egg
- Brain damage
- World of Warcraft
- Arrow to the knee
- Joshua Idehen
- complete name of all family members.
- His house.
- This is a 30 year old man.. With a supposed wife and child.
- LOL the only review of his shitty music got him a C-.
- Number 11 most famous rock in Minneapolis on Reverbnation, what an achievement.
- A collection of articles about the correlation between football and permanent brain damage.
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