Chris Kluwe

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Jump to: navigation, search
Kluwe1.png
Kluwe - Standing up for gay rights
Totally straight

Christopher J Kluwe, aka Loate or Twitter-favicon.png ChrisWarcraft, is a former handegg punter who, when he got fired for being too old and too shitty, first blamed it on the team not liking his obsession with faggots (his dad is, of course, a fucking millionaire... Spoiled rich kid is a racist and SJW? What are the odds?), and then tried to get revenge on them by exposing the fact some of them sleep with little girls. This soon backfired when people began asking why he helped cover up a statutory rape and bringing up the fact he calls people faggots and laughs at anal child rape while pretending to care about the rights of said faggots.

Today Chris can be found obsessively playing WoW like a lifeless loser, writing awful books, writing awful Gawker articles, making awful music, beating his kids and slowly transforming into a balding neckbeard while forcefully trying to insert himself into GamerGate in a pathetic attempt to both protect his video game journalist friends that he writes for/with and play in his band, as well as to cling to what spec of fading relevance he still has left.

Contents

Career end

Kluwe was an old, overpaid, washed-up has-been with a knee injury. He used to play for the Vikings until they kicked his ass out for wanting more money in exchange for an ever shittier performance every year. After being shit-canned, Kluwe threw a tantrum, claiming he is being fired for being a faggot-loving SJW, despite the fact everyone knows hand egg players all fuck each other in the shower room while real men play rugby.


“The record fails does not support the claim that the Vikings released Kluwe because of his activism on behalf of same-sex marriage, but instead because of his declining punting performance in 2012 and potentially because of the distraction caused by Kluwe's activism as opposed to the substance of such…The objective evidence, in addition to the subjective evaluation of coaches, special teams staff members and external evaluators, simply contradict Kluwe's view of his performance in 2012. No interviewed witness agreed that Kluwe had a good year in 2012… There is also the issue of Kluwe's age (31) and salary ($1.3 million) in 2012 and slated salary of $1.4 million in 2013. Several coaching staff members noted that Kluwe's age, previous knee injury and leg strength showed a punter in decline. Also, the Vikings were able to sign drafted punter (Jeff) Locke for $405,000, less than one third of Kluwe's scheduled 2013 salary…In grading Kluwe, (Angelo and Hentrich) considered criteria, including but not limited to: (1) get-off time; (2) gross punting average; (3) net punting average; (4) hang time; (5) directional punting; and (6) pooch punting…Angelo said that if he held the title of General Manager for the Minnesota Vikings for the 2012 season, he would have “in all likelihood” released Chris Kluwe as the Vikings punter.”


Since his unceremonious termination, Chris has receded into the usual mental state of over-the-hill athletes that realizes their best years are already behind them at the age of 28, and went into a deep state of denial and perpetual internet meltdown that lets everyone watch his rapid physical and mental deterioration as a result of prolonged steroid abuse and multiple, sports-related head injuries.


Tries to get revenge by admitting he covered up a rape

Chris is the most uninteresting man in the world


Be it due to roid rage or regular tard rage, Kluwe joined Arthur Chu in the ranks of SJWs who defend women by covering up rapes, and then decided to tell everyone about it via a Twitter rant, in a sad attempt to get revenge on his team for firing him. Chris explained how two of his viking friends were caught fucking an underage girl. However, this quickly backfired on Kluwe when everyone asked why he didn't report it to the police.

The reason Chris didn't call the cops is because he was obviously one of the two guys.

Chris Kluwe Rape Cover Up 1.jpg Chris Kluwe Rape Cover Up 2.jpg
Chris still hasn't told the police about this... we wonder why.

Kluwe claimed that he would tell all when his lawsuit against the Minnesota Vikings came to trial, stating that it would be "more fun that way".One month later, Kluwe and the Vikings settled their dispute, so the name of the rapists will be forever hidden somewhere in the damaged brain of Chris Kluwe, leaving fans to wonder if he made it all up in the first place or if those two guys are still out there raping people and Chris just doesn't care.

Penn State Victim joke

But this wasn't the only incident where Chris got to show everyone how "progressive" he is. There was also the time he was caught making homophobic jokes about child rape. Yes, despite constantly bragging about his support of faggots getting married, your champion liked to cut a hole in his pants and walk around the team's locker room making fun of Penn State rape victims, reportedly in front of large groups of visiting businessmen. When confronted with this, Kluwe responded by saying his entire team was making child molestation jokes for over a month so that makes it okay.

Ultimately this proves that, be they a handegg team or invading barbarians, all vikings love rape.

WoW addiction

Chris beats his kids

In what must be one of history's saddest falls from grace, Chris turned from a professional athlete into a pathetic, WoW obsessed nerd.
In a sad attempt to recapture his fading youth, Chris put the word "Warcraft" in his Twitter handle and now plays non-stop World of Warcraft while insisting that E-sports are real sports!!! To make sure his appearance match his new life status, Chris has been gradually devolving into a skinny, sunken-faced, unwashed basement dweller with a thinning head of hair.

As far as his actual playing skills go, Kluwe likes to brag about how good he is, but everyone who's seen him play says he's shit... Which must make the transition from his hand egg days much smoother.


   
 
scrub fgt gets carried every time
 

 
 

—Someone describing Chris playing.

   
 
Kluwe is the scrub who plays a useless class and gets in the way during raids and talks over the mic the whole time, annoying everyone, gets kicked out of the group, and then can't get into any other groups, and thinks its just because everyone's jealous
 

 
 

What people think on GameFAQs.

   
 
to be fair, I watched the matches, and any casual xcom player would destroy them both, but we can't punt worth shit, so meh.
 

 
 

What people think on IGN.

   
 
DeAngelis wiped the floor with Kluwe
 

 
 

—and on GameInformer.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

GamerGate, racism and misogyny

Believing he's a "gamer" now (seriously, what a sad thing to aspire to), Chris made an ill-advised attempt to make himself relevant again by dipping his toe in the GamerGate cesspool. After months of making an ass of himself on twitter and letting everyone see how far he's fallen, Kluwe saw that David Pakman invited an MRA neo-nazi who supports GG (don't they all?) to his show and made fun of him. So, in a desperate attempt to convince himself that someone is an ally to his cause, Kluwe invited himself to the show as well, thinking he would find a sympathetic ear. All of this probably has something to do with the fact he wrote a book and is part of a band with Game Informer's "journalist" Andrew Reiner, or his long-standing involvement with Gawker Media.


Use scrollbar to see the full image

Chris Kluwe Gawker affiliation.png


Chris Kluwe Charlie Brown.gif
Mercedes Carrera

The interview actually went pretty well, so Kluwe could have been satisfied with it and left it at that. But he didn't. Instead, in a brain damage induced stupor, Kluwe mistook himself for some sort of intellectual superman and got Pakman to agree to let him take part in a debate. Properly assessing Kluwe's level of intellect, Pakman pit him against Mercedes Carrera, a professional prostitute porn star. However, Mercedes has a degree in engineering, and even if she didn't, sucking cocks for a living still makes you a more apt candidate to take part in a debate than spending several years being dropped on your head.

The debate went as expected, as Kluwe showed up to it wearing a dirty shirt and with unwashed hair. No one is sure what was said in this debate, since everyone was so distracted by Kluwe's newly forming bald-spot, but at the end of it many of GamerGate's opposition (that Kluwe sought to represent) announced that they are switching sides because Kluwe is a misogynist for daring to disagree with a woman.

And then, he did this...


Kluwe1.jpg


Not satisfied with his glorious results, Chris went back to twitter and called Mercedes a "Nacho shield" (because she's a fat spic), before blocking Mercedes so she couldn't respond. And with that, Kluwe added "racist" to his ever growing list of achievements as a "progressive".

Other Shit

GET READY TO BE RAPED

Books

At some point, Chris took one too many tackles to the face and the brain damage made him think he can write, when in reality it only reduced his 3rd grade writing level to that of a brain-dead vegetable.


"Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies"

His first "Book" is this abomination. He wrote it after his LiveJournal (lol he seriously still uses LiveJournal) got a few likes, or whatever it is whoever still uses LiveJournal gets, and began to fancy himself a writer. This rag consists of nothing but incoherent, two page long rants about random topics that Kluwe is angry about but doesn't understand, all of which have been discussed a million times by other, smarter people. This makes even the use of the word "Unique" in the title painfully ironic. Also, much of the book is written in ALL CAPS (I'm not joking).


   
 
Mr. Kluwe seems to easily amused by Mr. Kluwe.
 

 
 

—Amazon reader review #1

   
 
I got this as a gift. I was very disappointed. I was told that Kluwe was some sort of thinker and had things worth saying. But it sure didn't turn out that way.

...

The most useful thing people can probably get out of the book is a case study in how being "famous" rots the brain. How people who get political visibility and get the media listening to them tend to go off the rails fast. As went Julian Assange, so goes Chris Kluwe. The minute anyone starts listening to the media and politicians about how important they are, doom will follow.
 


 
 

—Review #2

   
 
Sometimes the people telling you to write a book should keep their mouths shut. Sometimes I should be more careful before buying for the Kindle. I was angry at how silly and boring this book is.
 

 
 

—Review #3

   
 
The book offers little food for thought.
 

 
 

—Review #4

   
 
Did he have an editor? Did they tell him that a few rambling diatribes about... something were fine, but that maybe people who bought a book by an ex-professional football player would expect, I don't know, some mention of playing football in the NFL? Overall, he's not quite as smart or as deep as he would like to be, but good call on including pictures.
 

 
 

—Review #5

   
 
there's nothing positive in this. Everything is bad, bad, wrong, wrong.
 

 
 

—Review #6

   
 
Name your platitude of the day.

That's the trouble. These sermons really aren't "Beautifully Unique." Mr. Kluwe needs some way to differentiate his message from everything else we hear in church. Thus, this sparklepony SHOUTS (capital letters, cheap vulgarities, and other devices intended to SHOCK his audience) as if he is a high school senior arguing for motherhood and apple pie, if not Chevy. Albeit, a high school senior with a very impressive vocabulary, that he enjoys using, (no harm there.) But it is tiring to be on the receiving end of so much shouting. After a few pages the writing loses effectiveness. It isn't really writing. It is punching keys on a laptop with emotion. There's a reason excellent writers don't punt. They are too consumed with spending years honing their craft, attending and teaching at graduate schools, enrolling in endless writing workshops, struggling for years. Good writing pulls a reader in. It does not push one away. Not sure why this book ended up in my pile, but it's off to the library book sale now.
 


 
 

—Review #7

   
 
I didn't realize I was going to be reading a bunch of poorly written short essays on the first thoughts that pop into Kluwe's head.

...

Occasionally he would use a vocabulary word that seemed out of place so perhaps the reader would feel that he was hit by a stroke of genius and would interpret his writing as gold. His rants seemed the same, no matter what topic he was discussing, and I honestly couldn't stomach the book after 40 pages.

Bottom line: This book is terrible. This is one of the very, very few books I have not finished.
 


 
 

—Review #8

   
 
He is also arrogant and self-righteous, which is (obviously) not admirable. Calling people who disagree with you morons doesn't win anyone to your side.
 

 
 

—Review #9

   
 
Kluweless
 

 
 

—Review #10

Previous Quote | Next Quote


"PRIME: A Genesis series Event Part 1"

A book co-written by Andrew Reiner, known for being executive editor of "Game Informer" and being in Chris' shitty band. I wonder why Chris would be so adamant in attacking GamerGate, just because he is BFF with one of those having to adhere to common journalistic guidelines...

Anyway, the book itself is trash (big surprise). A derivative turd that reads like a Frankenstein's monster, composed from the rotting corpses of better Sci-fi novels. It's one part Cowboy Bebop, one part X-Files and zero parts talent. It tries to be science fiction, but ends up being horror by virtue of its title implying that this atrocity will have a part 2.


   
 
Oh God: "DNA shadows dance across my face".
 

 
 

—Amazon reader review #1

   
 
How do I review a debut novel that plagiarizes so many sci-fi stories? I suppose there must be an allowance given to the two "authors"; One a Game Magazine Editor and the other an ex-Punter. Much in the same way we have to give allowance of "artistic expression" to a 4 year old that wants her drawings hung on a refrigerator door.

The easiest scenario I can set up for this review can be taken from the writer's own words;

ANDREW REINER: The original discussion we had was really stupid, but exciting. I believe we settled on a story about a shark with a human brain that was a detective who solved murders but also gave into his killer instincts and killed a bunch of people. It was kind of like a shark version of Dexter, I believe.

CHRIS KLUWE: Andrew and I were talking one day, and we started spit-balling ideas for a cheesy scifi movie like Sharknado. We stumbled on one that we really liked, started fleshing out the universe, and realized we had a legit cool sci-fi story on our hands. That was when we knew we had to write this book.

Apparently the earliest inspiration was 'Sharknado', 'Deep Blue Sea' & the Showtime series 'Dexter'. But the book I read had none of this.

PRIME begins with wealthy people going to a resort to hunt genetically modified creatures ... "but in space". The main characters are Xander, a mad scientist and Rob, a salesman that convinces wealthy people that hunting Frankenstein Monsters is a good idea. Very quickly the monsters break free and ... uhg ... it saves me a lot of unnecessary typing by just admitting this is Jurassic Park ... "but in space"

The dialogue has the same disjointed unrealistic conversations found in 1980's comic books & video games. Character development is nowhere to be found as the story jumps around from action scene to action scene. The closest we get to reading dialogue is Rob's inner thoughts, "I aim to find out. I aim to find out, indeed." - There's one perspective to another perspective without bridging them together at a relative pace.It's like the screenplay for a SYFY Original with describing blood spraying everywhere and how "cool" it is.

Now mind you this does occur in outer space, yet there's so little mention of stars, planets & aliens that you have to remind yourself that this is happening in space and not the video game DOOM. There is no historic background, governing rules or a social structure of any kind. It's an isolated expedition. The readers only intel of current history is that Earth is dead & people live in space now. Prime is filled with mindless-actions and very little dialogue. This is lazy writing at it's laziest.

"Why have it in space to begin with." I ask myself ... the answer would be "legality" because this is bluntly rewriting a Michael Crichton story with hopes that it gets picked up by SYFY or a game developer.

I simply can't continue critiquing this nonsense. It's garbage. After reading this book I threw it in the garbage. It's that bad.

BUT the worst thing ... the very worst thing about this book, is that these two hacks have deemed it good enough for a series of books. Their next story well underway. That's the horrifying twist ending for this empty tale ... "We're Not Done Yet".
 


 
 

—Reader review #2

   
 
Weak start, plot holes and numerous inaccuracies and continuity issues within the story line
 

 
 

—Review #3

   
 
Not really compelling, weak characters, plot is predictable and seen before
 

 
 

—Review #4

   
 
There is also similarity between the whole story idea and previously published work.
 

 
 

—Review #5

   
 
Shut up, Kluwe.
 

 
 

—Review #6

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Band

TrippingIcarus is Chris' band that he's in with his writing and journalism buddy Andrew Reiner (seriously, are these two fucking or something?). We think it's supposed to be a Nickelback cover band, but they somehow screwed up and became even worse. All of their music can be described as "Ear rape" and their only "achievement" is being listed as "Number 11 most famous rock in Minneapolis on Reverbnation", despite Kluwe's celebrity status (or maybe it couldn't influence their popularity because no one cares about Kluwe).


TI #1
Nobody listened to this, hence no reviews
TI #2
This one also... no reviews
TI #3
Absolutely nobody listened to this one either, so no reviews
TI #4
Nobody even cares
TI #5
Not even on Google Play

Previous Image  |  Next Image

Chris loves ED

Chris really loves our site...


Kluwed1.png


Here you can even see Chris deliberating the old age custom of desperate attention whores that no one cares about we like to call "Writing Yourself Into An Article".


Kluwed2.png


That's how much he likes us! <3 Well, congratulations Chris! You don't have to write an article about yourself anymore because you've finally become irrelevant enough for an internet website about memes to write about you! Aren't you proud?

Oh, and if you're reading this, please don't write anything for us. I know you think you would be entertaining, but we've seen your tweets and we've seen your book and we beg to differ.

To sum up


See Also

Totally not a fag

External links


ED olympics.JPG

Chris Kluwe
is part of a series on
the ED Special Olympics
Sports

BaseballBasketballButtrapeCricketProfessional WrestlingSoccerHandeggHockeyGhost RidingTennisVuvuzelaMMA

Not Sports

BulletballPaulPolandballSex • /sp/ • StarcraftSuper Smash BrosVideo GamesGolfHema

Competitions

OlympicsSpecial OlympicsLondon 2012Olympic FlameLOLympics2010 World Cup

Topics

SportTeam UruguayNew York YankeesRed Sox NationChicago Cubs/sp/

Athletes

Air BudAllison StokkeBarry BondsBilly MartinBrandon PhillipsBrett FavreBruce JennerCindy CrosbyDiego MaradonaGary LinekerGeorge SteinbrennerJim BunningJohn TerryKlitschko brothersLawrence TaylorMichael PhelpsMike TysonNodar KumaritashviliRax GrissmanRobert GreenRon MexicoShawn JohnsonThurman ThomasTy CobbZinedine Zidane

SJW series.png

Chris Kluwe is part of a series on

Social Justice

Visit the Social Justice Portal for complete coverage.


Featured article June 6 and 7, 2015
Preceded by
Asphyxiaphilia
Chris Kluwe Succeeded by
Cards Against Humanity
Personal tools
Spam ED Everywhere

Anonymous VPN


Find us on Google+
VPN Service