Christopher Reeve

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Back when that bulge meant more than just a greater surface area for a gurning black nursing assistant to sponge bath 3 times a week...
Thanks Maddox!


Christopher Reeve (the opposite of Christopher Walken) was the actor who played Superman, made quadriplegic after a horse riding accident. He made interesting appearances in select usericons on LJ. Also a prime (albeit dead) player in the "Christopher Reeve is a Dead Cripple" drama initiated by LJ user jimmybobob79.

In his defense the horse was made entirely out of kryptonite.


   
 
If I thought it would kill 2 niggers, I'd slit your throat in a second.
 

 
 

—Drunken comment to his wife shortly after the release of Superman II


So what happened?

On May 27, 1995, Reeve's horse had a desire for some lulz, faked shitbrix, and Reeve fell off, causing a cervical spinal injury that superspasticated Reeve from the neck-down. Witnesses said that the horse gave a cheerful cry, jumped over the third fence, and then suddenly stopped. In mid-air. Someone said that a ninja spooked the horse, and another person claimed that it might have been a stray speck of dust.

Reeve an heroically held on and the bridle, the bit, two megabytes, and the reins were pulled off the horse and tied his hands together. He landed headfirst (lol) on the other side of the fence. His homemade aluminum foil cap prevented any brain damage, O RLY?, but the impact of his soon to be useless body hitting the ground shattered his first and second vertebrae.

After a vet was called to bring the horse down from mid-air, it was decided that Reeve, or the body tree protruding legs upward from the ground, should be attended to. Reeve had not been breathing for over an hour before paramedics stopped attaching tree decorations to him for the lulz, and dug him up.

Many many people (at least 69) point to the epic, all powerful abilities of his most famous film character, Superman, and the remarkable contrast from this to the exact opposite-ness he achieved after his accident. Some argue that Reeve secretly wanted to achieve the fabled level of Super Irony, and staged FUCKING EVERYTHING.

He was apparently obsessed with all things super, and was said to have sucked many a Jew cock in order to get the Superman role. This of course blows away the Super Irony GET theory, as EVERYONE knows that bad things eventually happen to people who mix with Jews. To sum up - Jews did it. Jews killed Superman.

Moar Irony

During his recovery Reeve was in the hospital, chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool while his horse waited in the building opposite, biding its time and getting ready to finish the job. The horse's deep manic staring eyes distracted Reeve from his episodes of Seinfeld, and slowly turned him bat shit insane.

Photograph taken from Reeve's hospital window.


   
 
We kept his deposit and had no problem filling his usual time slot. I tried to send flowers but apparently sent them to someone called Christopher Keeve."
 

 
 

—Quote from the owner of the stables where Christopher had his accident.

It was at this point that Reeve decided he needed to do something to get out of his situation, and that was when he got the brilliant braingasm to inject as much money as possible into curing his horrible disfigurement. This part of Reeve's self-centered campaign to cure paralysis under the facade of actually "helping people" is pretty much covered in the article at the bottom of the page, as to why Christopher Reeve is an asshole by Maddox. It was then that Reeve decided to meddle in stem cell research, aka eating fetuses for breakfast lunch and dinner, this is one of the only subjects that the cockfostering arselickers at South Park actually got right. And it was after eating roughly over 9000 fetuses that Reeve began to develop superpowers, much like that dickless boy-scout character he portrayed in those shitty films.


   
 
I couldn't stop laughing.
 

 
 

—First paramedic to arrive at the scene of the accident.

Un mot sur sa mort et de sa causes.

Christopher Reeve eventually expired when he was given an antibiotic to treat a pressure ulcer (caused by his fat fuck wife not turning him for a whole week as she recovered from a head cold) -blah blah blah- coma causes heart attack... Is it possible to 'die too young' if you can't do or feel anything bellow your neck?

Gunther Von Hagens mocks Christopher Reeve's wife

Christopher Reeve was buried on 11 October 2004 less than 24 hours after his death, in accordance with Sharia law.


   
 
Wanna hear me queef the National anthem?
 

 
 

—Final words to his son

He was survived by an obese wife, 2 retarded sons, a nymphomaniac daughter and Stephen Hawkins.


LULZY Things You Could Have Asked/Said To Him If You Chanced Upon Him When He Was Still Living

Actin' tough.png

Nice hair dick
  • Could you possibly sign my copy of your book, sir?
  • When was the last time you were washed? You smell like a horse!
  • Catch!
  • When was the last time you were in a conga line?
  • Has snapping your neck made you reconsider your sexuality? Are you bisexual now?
  • Can I feed you?
  • When was the last time you held your son?
  • I know you couldn't feel them, but do you still get hard-ons?
  • Can you still fly?
  • Pull my finger.
  • Wanna borrow my pocket pussy?
  • Did you clap at your kid's piano recital?
  • Heads up!
  • Have you ever changed your own colostomy bag?
  • Stop drumming your fingers, it's rude.
  • Can I fuck your armpit?
  • You'll still have hormones swirling round in your head, I'd bet you get horny as fuck.
  • What's the weather like down there?
  • Stop farting.
  • What does pussy taste like?
  • Look out!
  • Hand me my gun.

...

Throwing a custard pie in his face would also be pretty cool!!

Soup through a straw.


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