Church of the SubGenius

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"Bob": Not a long-haired hippy like that Jesus guy.

The Church of the SubGenius is a murderously unfunny cult at the center of a plot in which fat polyamorous geeks may gangrape the innocent in a world-shattering orgy known as X-Day.

They will fuck you if you cannot take a joke. Fnord.

Ninety minute recruitment video.
Actually a very funny parody of Scientology.


Tenets of SubGenius Propaganda

   
 
Have Intercourse with a Beautiful Live Girl
 

 
 

—Ivan Stang, Pamphlet #1

Welcome to X-Day. Finally.

The messianic figure of the Church of the SubGenius is one J.R. "Bob" Dobbs (not to be confused with the fake canadian assclown who calls himself Bob Dobbs to scam money from the very stupid). J.R. "Bob" Dobbs was once a humble door-to-door salesman. Always broke, he was encouraged by his close friend, L. Ron Hubbard, to start a religion. As L. Ron always said, "Dobbs, they may be pink but their money is green." Founded by "Bob" in 1953, the Church grew like a weed and today holds tens of millions of whining, talentless art-fags under its sway. The Church has even been known to disseminate fake anti-SubGenius propaganda to arouse public interest.

Every year on July 5, in a smelly hippie commune in Southern Ohio, SubGenii gather together to hold ritualistic orgies and mass-consumption of "Frop" in hopes that aliens, the Xists will invade Earth. X-day, as it is called, signals the Death of the Pinks and the beginning of the SubGenius migration to Planet-X aboard the Pleasure Saucers (referred to as "The Rupture"). Only Ordained Ministers, with Minister Cards in hand, can board. X-day was supposed to be on July 5, 1998. Alas there was no invasion. The Holy Scribe of the Church was immediately tarred and feathered and thrown into a cesspool. Subsequently, the heirarchites of the Church revealed several theories as to why X-day didn't occur, including the reading of the date (which was scrawled by "Bob" on a cocktail napkin) was upside down (the "8991" theory) and another involving the secret switching of Earth and Mars during the 1950's. The remaining theories are so literally fucktarded that they cannot be mentioned.

SubGenii live in constant fear of being smote by a malevolent God from outer space known as JHVH 1, or Yahweh. In order to rescue their souls from Jehovah 1's Stark Fist of Removal, members of the Church must mail $30 to a P.O. Box in Ohio to become Ordained Ministers of the Church of the SubGenius. Salvation is reportedly guaranteed or triple their money back.

All SubGenii are required to listen to Devo and to wear silly hats.

Fundamental to the operation and well-being of a SubGenius body is an intangible substance known as "Slack". Slack exists on a continuum with Pink at the opposite end.

What is slack?

It's better than working towards your latest piece of shit FYAD account, and you don't have to do anything. All you need to do is sit in front of your computer (at this point in time).

The Cancer that is killing the Church of the Subgenius

ConnieDobbs.png

Sometimes, like Orwell's "Memory Hole", the memes mean exactly what you first thought they meant. One such meme is the subgenius "pinks" vs "yeti", the yeti chromosome being the source and fount of all that is good, progressive, strong, worthwhile, and creative in the world; and the pinks everything that is time-wasting, energy sucking bullshit. Yes, my friends - it's the XXers and their pedestalizers that have wrecked the church. They pound on the door of the clubhouse, whining about being excluded, and when the fools let 'em in they fuck the place up permanently. Bob is about a number of things - the con, the Xists, the pinks, the stark fist. Connie is all about sex, and nothing much else. When your art movement has turned into nothing but dumbstruck awe in the presence of bewbies and gash, it's time to GTFO.

Where to find a SubGenius

Tubgirlfinalform.jpg

A large number of SubGenii are known to hang out at the official IRC channel #subgenius, where they dream of the chance that they can strip naked and masturbate on webcam with a real live girl (or damned near anything else!) watching.

There is reportedly a constant barrage of BullDada on alt.slack and alt.binaries.slack, but no one has yet returned sane after witnessing it.

If you do not value your ears, you might try The Hour of Slack radio program.

To find them IRL, try their parents' basement.

See also

In summary

This is the original form of lulz before it was actually funny. The end.

[Close them downOpen the records]
Church of the SubGenius is part of a series on Cults
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Stupid Cults: ScientologyAtheismBreatharianMichelle Belanger/House KheperuSonic PassionHighgate Vampire, the
Troll Cults: AnonymousCult of the Dead CowRaptor JesusJohn SolomonChurch of the SubGeniusDiscordianism
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