Cloverfield

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tl;dr: Cloverfield sucks.

A date which will live in infamy.
Brutal honesty.
HOLY SHIT! IF YOU ZOOM IN AT THE END OF THE MOVIE YOU CAN SEE THE MONSTER BEHIND THEM! (This, again, is a real one)
The Cloverfield monster firin' its lazer.
Bitches don't know about my Slusho.
Cloverfield opens in China with a giant headless Lady Liberty. Everyone laughs at stupid democlatic Amelicans, ching chong chow.
Look! It's Teddie! He's really in the movie for three seconds! WHO FUCKING CARES?


So..uh...I herd some things...
The sequel, Gloverfield: Electric Boogaloo, coming out in 2012.

Cloverfailed (Cloverfield) is a nice, short and uncomplicated little horror movie.

Right? Wrong.

An oh-so-mysterious teaser trailer came up during showings of Transformers. Most viewers jizzed their pants in awe and wonderment. The trailer was followed by the finding of numerous fake websites and MySpace accounts representing the institutions and characters from the movie. Fanboys soon gleefully shoved their left hands down their pants and 'researched' and created 'theories' with their right ones. Many thought it would become the big hit movie of the year. Others thought it could become America's Godzilla. Some claimed it could cure cancer, uphold the Rapture, and beat Chuck Norris in an arm wrestling match.

And then the movie came out.

Pure and utter shit. Cloverfield had a plotline that would make Voyager's writing staff facepalm so hard that they embedded their head in the wall behind them, along with a shitpile of teaser blogs and bad flash sites that make Doctor Who's "Vote Saxon" campaign look restrained, and crowbarring it all into sixty minutes of running and crying. Audiences booed and RAEGed over what they assumed would be a decent movie. They promptly did the smart thing and forgot it existed. Unfortunately, it has not yet been put in its grave as fantards continue to masturbate over every little detail that is completely insignificant to real life. While everyone has moved on to next big 'OMG First Person Perspective DUR HURR HURR' movie, Cloverfags are still shitting their pants and are trying to pause-frame the extra footage in the special edition Amazon-only Blu-ray release in a fail attempt to understand what everything is about.

If you manage to be annoyed by all the Cloverfaggotry, look at the bright side: it does have some awesome special effects, and maybe you could bring someone you hate along so they can vomit to its 'authentic' shaky cam effects!

The "Plot"

tl;dr: They die.

Memorable Quotes

Cloverfield is one of those movies people will quote for years, like Pulp Fiction, Fight Club or Star Wars. Here are a few quotes, worthy of the Bard himself:

  • "OH MAH GAWD, OH MAH GAWD, OH MAH GAWD!!!"
  • "Dude, Rob, bro, what was--Dude!"
  • "Oh shit, dude run, dude!"
  • "MOVE MOVE MOVE!" (Also, at various times, "GO GO GO!" is fine too)
  • "What is it!? WHAT IS IT!?"
  • "It's a terrible thing."
  • "ALL YOU PEOPLE WANT IS MOAR MOAR MOAR-"

An actual person reviewing the movie's 'quality' and in quotes:

"If you watched it on the big screen you would have gotten a headache and motion sickness. That's one of the reasons I'm so prejudiced against it. It made me want to throw up. But I agree, if they took a different angle, the whole "monster attacking New York" thing could have been modernized very nicely. Unfortunately, like you said, it had no ending. And I don't think they ever explained why the monster was attacking or where it came from in the first place, did it? (I was trying too hard not to be sick, maybe it did and I didn't notice.) But I just assumed it must have attacked for the lulz. The characters sucked and the character motivation sucked. I mean, seriously, the guy just figures out how to work a fucking camera and he's going to film the whole damn thing? C'mon, like that would happen in real life. Any person who wasn't retarded or particularly suicidal would put down the damn camera and haul ass out of there. Speaking of hauling ass out of there, why would they follow that guy to get that girl in the first place? Especially that one chick (Marlaina, I think?). She even said exclusively that she didn't really know anyone at that party so what skin is it off her nose if they want to go find some other girl? I don't know about you but I would not run around trying to save someone I don't know, who's probably already dead if a giant monster was attacking the city. I would have been long gone in one of the helicopters. But I did laugh when the camera guy got eaten. But then it ended so suddenly after that my mind was a mixture between, "Finally, now I just have to get out of this theater without vomiting" and "Seriously? That's IT? What the hell kind of stupid ass ending is THAT? That was even dumber than the Blair Witch Project!" And it basically was the Blair Witch Project meets Godzilla meets the Anti-lulz."

Working Titles

  • The Dump
  • Chocolate Rain. (Some stay dry and others feel the pain.)
  • Slusho!
  • Epic Movie
  • Amazing Marketing Campaign With Failed Shitty Movie: Works Every Time

The Japanese Ruin Everything

Japan has an exclusive four part manga called Kishin that gives Tagruato some backplot and more porn for Clovertards to masturbate to.

  1. Japanese fisherman has flashbacks of being beaten up in school.
  2. Snap back to the present day.
  3. Loli, tits, bondage, guys with long flowing hair and huge robes and shoulder pads.
  4. Monster attacks Japan. (If that's the case, then wouldn't they have been more prepared for when it attacks New York, you now, just in case?

Trolling Cloverfags

Cloverfags like to hang out on blogs where they engage in their favorite activities:

  1. Roleplaying
  2. Setting each other cryptic puzzles to prove what magnificent e-detectives they all are.
  3. Crying "HALP I NO SPEEK JAPANEEZ"...or screaming about how the manga is not canon OMG.
  4. Arguing over increasingly convoluted plot analysis.

This is serious business, and all of them have poured much of their unfortunate lives into taking every little detail/easter egg and blowing it severely out of proportion. For this reason, they're rather easy to troll.

  • Give them some sort of cipher or password related puzzle to solve that has no solution. They'll play forever.
  • Point out that the director has said in an interview that the monster dies. This will enrage them, because they ALL sat through a twelve minute long end credit roll just to hear a random sound sample at the end which is alleged to say "IT'S STILL ALIVE" When you play it backwards. We're not making this up.
  • Tell them you haven't seen it because it's obviously just a rip off of Blair Witch Project from the way the camera is filmed.
  • Point out that it's only a movie.
  • Insist that it's an alien, or not an alien or Cthulu - SOMEONE will get pissed off that you doubt their pet theory.

External Links


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