The Cold War

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Reagan and Gorbachev trying to rekindle their old friendship from World War II.

The Cold War is the longest-running war drama to ever air on TV. A direct sequel to the movie World War II and it's videogame, it follows the adventures of US and USSR, as they go through a long feud and dick around with other countries for teh lulz. It starts at the end of World War II, after Hitler rage quit and Berlin was bombed to fucking smithereens. The US and USSR couldn't just let the other side take the city since they had sunk over 100,000,000,000 bitcoins worth of Lulz into making Hitler become an hero, so they chopped Berlin in half with some retarded walls and guard towers, much to the dismay of the pwnd Nazis. The Cold War never became a war as such, and was devoid of any direct conflict between the two friends. Instead, the two countries argued over ideology, ran propaganda campaigns, became involved in espionage, and made other small nations fight for their own amusement. Eventually, the Soviet Union bankrupted itself due to unreasonable expensive arms campaigns, and the Americans won. This proved that the most efficient way to win any ideological argument is to send tens of thousands of young 20 somethings to die in a foreign country.

Origins

Following the fall of Berlin and the end of WW2, the Allied Powers found themselves disagreeing on how to run Hitler-less Germany. More specifically, the U.S wanted to paint the country a lovely shade of butthurt blue, but the Soviets were adamant about the ten thousand gallons of rape red that Stalin ordered to be made for arbitrary reasons. After painting the whole of Germany, the US and USSR proceeded to paint the rest of the world either red or blue. A 44 year standoff with thousands of nuclear weapons at the ready THOUSANDS OF THERMONUCLEAR DICKS ensued.

Gouzenko trolling as Anonymous.

Soviet Russia, being a diplomatic new nation and friend to everyone, decided that they needed embassies. Igor Gouzenko ran the Canadian embassy because he was hella cool. Igor, one day in 1945, got a letter from his government saying he had to go home. Igor, who enjoyed his life in Canada, did not want to give up his subscription to Beaver Magazine or his maple syrup. After all, he couldn't have his wife feed him and his unborn child on those shitty food rations and live in a small house without a newfangled furnace. Who wants to burn wood for heat amirite? Thus, the Gouzenko had a thought, a terrible thought. You see, Igor was a cipher clerk in the embassy, and filed things that had ciphers. You could say he had a collection of files about what Russia thought of Canada, the US and Britain. The files also had information about sleeper agents and nukes. So he stole fucking everything and visited the media. Igor with the humongous file collection ran into the offices and screamed "It's war! It's Russia!" Naturally, they laughed their asses off and sent the crazy fuck out on his arse. Instead he went to the RCMP, who, being the nice gentlemen and ladies they are, hooked him up with the CSIS (it's like the CIA but more Canadian). After realizing his shit was legit Canada told Britain, and then America was told too. Thus began the shitstorm of a lifetime.

Igor was then given witless protection, and appeared to the media and court as Anonymous (he wore a bag over his head, see photo). Igor's documents busted 39 spies in Canada alone. But half of it was bullshit and only 18 of them were really spies. Gouzenko then wrote two books which were fucking awful, and sailed the promotional waves still dressing like Anonymous. The only people who ever saw his face after his defection were his family and co-workers. After whipping up a media frenzy and getting a movie called Iron Curtain made about him he got fat and spent his money on anything that had a price tag, just like MC Hammer and Will Smith, only he had less money, and no lulzworthy song. When he asked the Canadian government to be paid $7000 a year, they politely told him to GTFO. He then got diabeetus and went blind before dying of a fatal heart attack in 1982. Anyway to sum it up, Igor is the asshole who started the Cold War.

The Iron Curtain

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Superpower tactics summed up

Severely butthurt over the fact that none of the other Allied Powers were down with his whole a-million-deaths-is-a-statistic idea, Soviet leader Joseph Stalin took the most mature route and promptly established a metaphorical "Iron Curtain" across Europe, dividing the continent into the Eastern Block, which included Russia, its satellite states and a slice of Germany, and the Western Block, which included pretty much everyone else. The Iron Curtain was centered in Berlin, where a massive wall was erected through the middle of the city just to show how serious Stalin was about his breakup with the West. Spearheaded by the Americans, the remaining Allied Powers formed the NATO, an organization who members vowed to defend one another if they were invaded, apparently completely forgetting about the disaster that occurred the last time Europe tried mutual protection pacts. In response the Soviet Union drafted up the Warsaw Pact, a similar treaty of friendship between the USSR and the states it was oppressing.

International Trolling

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First animal cast into space

The Cold War is notable for the displays of epic trolling done by both the US and USSR. Some of the more memorable incidents include:

  • The Berlin Blockade: Stalin thought it would be funny if he cut off all of the supply routes into West Berlin thus forcing the US and Britain to suck his dick in order to get the food and fuel that they needed. The West responded with the Berlin Airlift, a series of massive airdrops that kept their half of the country well nourished and fueled, and totally made the USSR look stupid. After the success of the airdrops Stalin had a bout of troll's remorse and lifted the blockade.
  • Cuban Missile Crisis: The Cuban Missile Crisis happened because Castro wanted some dick to suck after taking over Cuba, so he went to the USSR and demanded to see the big dick in charge, when he saw the soviet leader he took his cloths off immediately got to his knees and sucked the shit out of the soviet leader, after the leader blew his load through every hole of Castro's body, Castro asked if he could get nukes for Cuba so he could IRL troll the fuck out of the Americunts. After the Americunts found out what Castro did it was all over the news with the headline in the press saying "Fidel Castro sucks Soviet leader's cock". After Castro heard about this madness he began to troll the Americunts saying "If you don't retract these libelous claims I'm gonna throw a hissy-fit and nuke you!". As soon as Castro had made this laughably feeble threat (because obviously Khrushchev wouldn't have given that filthy dago launch codes) the Americunts almost injured themselves laughing, right up until 1991 when he came out of the closet. It was an epic win for Americunts and a good day for Walt Disney.
  • Vietnam War: Notable for being one of the most epic fails in US history, the Vietnam War was the result of trolls not knowing when to pull out. It all started when USSR-backed North Vietnam attacked US-backed South Vietnam, being super secret, the US began to B-52 the shit out of the NVA. Calling hax, the NVA brought in their buddies in the USSR and hid in places like tunnels and schools. After about a good 10-15 years of a so-called "Secret War", the US went into overkill mode and thought that it was Korea all over again. It ended up being like the ending of Platoon, but over, and over, and over, and over.
  • Afghan Invasion: The USSR wasn't cool with only the US pulling an epic fail, so they decided to reenact Vietnam in Afghanistan. The US and Super-Troll Charlie Wilson (Or more likely Charlie Sheen) gave the local Mujahideen Resistance (Ironicly, this was a group also funded my Shmosama bin Laden.) every gun ever, and a few Stinger missles, to fight the Soviets with. In the resulting carnage, the whole Soviet army got defeated by a few guys toting RPGs and AK-47s hiding in mountains. That sounds familar! But wait, THERES MORE! There was also this one cool dude who got access to the US funded buttload of guns, his name was Osama bin Laden. Not even shitting you.

The Space Race

Just one of NASA's many failures.

The Cold War also played host to the Space Race, in which the US and Soviet Union raced to see who could fatally launch someone into orbit first has the best special FX skills. Sputnik 1 made America butthurt as the Soviets sent the first man made object into space (that we know of). Russia added salt to the wound with Yuri Gagarin, the first man in space, hoping that the rest of the world would forget about the horrid failure rate of their missions. NASA went on to fake the moon landing and blow up space shuttles, still oblivious that the Nazi's were already actually on the moon.

The Strategic Defense Initiative

The finest 1980's high-tech weaponry that money could buy.

On March 23, 1983, Ronald Regan unleashed his greatest troll on mankind. The Strategic Defense Initiative (SDI) was Regan's plan to build a massive system of nuclear powered X-ray lasers launched into space to shoot down Soviet missiles before they could detonate. That is the truth, some shit just can't be made up. The Soviets collectively shit their pants and started work on an even better deathstar with blackjack and hookers. This failed causing Russia to go bankrupt. Bankrupt Soviets tried to say [sry], but noone cared. In a massive case of irony THE WORKERS OF COMMUNIST RUSSIA REVOLTED and the soviets fell. This was then reported on IRC.

Collapse of the USSR

After being pwnt by the Arab during their failed invasion of Afghanistan, the Soviets returned to Russia, where a failing economy awaited them. As Gorbachev realized that the USSR was dying, which was tipped off by the fact that the Soviet military refused to take orders from the Kremlin, he tried what he called glasnost. The glasnost (or "Openness") took down the "Iron Curtain" and led directly to the fall of the Communist Party. Oh, and some shitty concrete wall. Also the USSR lost all of its jewgold in trying to bulk up its penis size in comparison to the US. This failed.

The Colder War

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Some believe that the Cold War had ended in 1991. However, everyone with a 2 digit or more IQ score, can notice that the Cold War is not over, but rather mutated into an even more secretive conflict, known as The Colder War. Sure, on the surface it might seem that the U.S. and Russia are BFFs - Russia is supplying the U.S. with cheap whores and mail order brides, the U.S. is infecting Russia with it's McDonald's and reality TV - but behind the scenes the war machine keeps going. The Americans have placed nukes and missile interceptors in Poland, Russia's annoying neighbor, just to show those dirty Commies who's in charge (to which the Russians responded by wiping out the entire Polish goverment). Meanwhile, the Russians are selling weapons to every country or organization that hates America, to afford their vodka addiction, and are keeping a good steady relationship with America's haters such as Iran, North Korea and China. tl;dr, just like the in the Cold War itself, the Americans and Russians are fighting each other without "really" fighting. BUT EVERYTHING IS OK, MOVE ALONG FOLKS, NOTHING TO SEE HERE. But what about China? In relic of the previous time, many internets smart peoples are fighting over the shit technology that has been produced. Example: Guy Say "LOL F-22 BEST PLANE". Then other guy go "NO IDIOT GERMAN MAKE GOOD PLANE BECASE GERMAN INVENT FAT AMERICA TECHNOLORGY.". Then other guy go "NO ISREAL BEST BECAUSE WE HONORELEE BLOWJOB OURSELVES UP AND KILL UR FAT AND NAZI TROOPS IN IRAQ". Then next guy say "NO RUSSIA IS BEST BECAUSE WE MAKE GOOD VODKA AND WE HAVE OLD TECHNOLOGY THAT WE CNA NEVER REPLACE BECAUSE WE HAVE NO MONEY". And then next guy goes "NO BRITISH BEST BECAUUSE I SAID SO". This is likely to continue forever.

TL;DR

The US and USSR had a near-5 decade long intercontinental thermonuclear dick waving contest, and the whole of the Third World had to swallow.

See also

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The Cold War

is part of a series on

The History of The Lulz

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