Copypasta/Archive 12

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The Butthurt of Lauren Higgins

"Here is a photo of peacefulness to counter your smut."

Hello "4chan",

My 14 year old son, Charles, recently discovered this website. Over the past few months, he has continued to inform me that this was "the funniest, most outrageous website" he has seen. I favoured this, because, my son has only one friend and had always seemed terribly miserable. After he visited this site, he started to become happier. That is, until last month when his actions then started turning dark and evil. 18th of March, I caught him masturbating to these underage e-sluts over the Internet. I couldn't believe it, my son, who is much too young for sex is playing with the devil. A few weeks later on the 29th of March I find Charles wrapping Cre (our family cat) in toilet paper and attempting to set the toilet paper on fire.

As of Tuesday, which has finally concluded my search for his X-factor contributing to his actions lead me here. I come home to find my son Charles, skipped school, and in the bathroom I find poor Cre's head in the toilet and his body set on fire, I was HORRIFIED. He tells me that "4chan" showed him these things. I immediately search this particular board, as he tells me this is the only side he has visited and what I find are the most EVIL of sins here. Upon my first few searches, I find such sickening Child Pornography and foul pictures of women with surgically attached penises onto themselves. As of my search yesterday, I find these HORRENDOUS photos of animals mutilated, decapitated, mauled, abused, and set on fire. I had to stop there as I started to heave up my lunch.

This site has permanently punctured my son's mind, and I WILL be taking further action through the Internet officials . As I must post a picture along with this post, here is a photo of peacefulness to counter your smut.

-Lauren Higgins

No Fun At All

Earl Sandwich watched with an anxious expression as his family, which consisted of Mrs. Sandwich, Peanut the dog, and Grape the cat, who was listed last because the writer of this story doesn’t like her very much.

When Earl saw the family car drive off for some unstated reason for an exaggerated period of time, he nearly shat his tan slacks. “WOO HOO!” He shouted, and dove to his cell phone.

He immediately reached the contacts list and selected a contact named “PLAYMATE”. It let out that frickin’ annoying dial tone for a few seconds before the contact answered.

“Hello?” Tiger Arbelt answered his phone. Meanwhile, one of the fat, ugly, fans of Malak’s fan-fictions gasped at the sudden plot twist. Then she farted and read on, reaching for a bowl of cheese puffs.

“Ti-ti?” Earl responded. “It’s Earl.”

“OH!” Tiger exclaimed in the girliest way imaginable. “Wassup, mai boo?”

“Come on over and I’ll show you…”

Tiger giggled in a rather irritation fashion. It was like the sound of a sheet of metal rubbing against a giant cheese grater. “Okay, anything you say, pookie bear.”

Meanwhile, Gman was walking down the road when a car struck him, killing Gman instantly.

“Did we just-“ Grape began to ask.

“NO!” Mrs. Sandwich shouted, and her head grew twice as large as she floored the gas pedal and drove off to their unstated location.

Tiger was back at the Sandwich residence and was already French-kissing Earl in his hairy, bearded mouth. It was not stated WHERE they were exactly in the house, but they were in there somewhere…

“Oh.” Tiger exclaimed. “You taste delicious.”

Earl laughed and showed his vampire fangs, because he was a vampire. Not a REAL vampire, but one of those stupid ones from “Twilight”.

“Thank you.” He said as he horribly sparkled in the sunlight, blinding some of Malak’s fans.

“Excuse me as I slip into something more comfortable.” Tiger shouted as he did a back-flip and landed into a nearby bathroom.

When he came out, he was wearing the dress Beatrice from “Umineko No Naku Koro Ni” wore, complete with the flower hairpiece and everything.

“Tits.” Earl said seductively as he lifted Tiger up and carried him to the bedroom.

“Oh Earl.” Tiger said in a whiny, obnoxious voice.

Meanwhile, Bill woke up in the middle of the night. He was thirsty and so he decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, he couldn't wait to see his presents. There was one slimy box that looked like a gun.

Then Bill noticed that Zoey was out of bed too. She must not have been able to wait for her presents either.

Bill thought that he would surprise Zoey. Maybe even sneak up behind her and jump her on her bloody penis. That always made Zoey hot.

Bill crept angrily down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its old lights, and the presents, heaped up huskily, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Zoey. Kissing someone.

Bill was so angry, he picked up a ammo from a table and threw it sexily on the tank.

They both looked around.

"Zoey, you sweaty zombie!" Bill yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Bill looked and then rubbed his leg and looked again. It was Santa Claus.

"Let me explain," Zoey said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course she had to give me a kiss. And what a wet kiss it was."

"Well, I suppose," Bill said firmly. "If he was under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be muscly."

That seemed reasonable. Bill went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.

Santa was the best kisser ever, like a hot molotov fire burning in the moonlight. He made Bill's eye feel all hard.

"You see?" Zoey said gently and Bill saw. So they had a threeway.

Everybody's presents were late.

As Earl threw Tiger on the bed and exposed his disco stick. Tiger positioned himself and wrapped his arms, I repeat, ARMS, around the phallus and began sucking.

“Oh GOD…” Earl shouted. “OH GOD!! OneOneOneOne” Earl shrilled as he splattered cum all over Tiger’s face.

“Enough talk.” Tiger said, positioning his tailhole in front of Earl’s dick. “Take me.” He moaned.

Stu made chocolate pudding for his niece so much, it soon possessed his mind, and all what he could think about was chocolate pudding.

His wife tried to snap him out of it, but she was not successful.

When Stu offered the pudding to his niece, she said she was hungry. So for some reason Stu went back downstairs to make more chocolate pudding, and when he brought it back upstairs, he finally snapped, and screamed at the top of his lungs.

He then began imaging strange songs in his head.

“Anata wa ima doko de nani wo shite imasu ka? Kono sora no tsuzuku basho ni imasu ka?”

The sex between the vampire Earl Sandwich and the canine Tiger Arbelt was a truly disturbing sight. It was horrible, capable of driving anyone who saw such an abomination mad. The women ran in terror, men did their best to try and stop it, but to no avail. Eventually, the desperate townsfolk called upon a specialist to deal with this situation.

They received two.

Ichigo Kurosaki and Ronove approached the two and tried to stop them, but Ichigo was immediately disintegrated but the sheer force of the sex, and Ronove had no choice but to leave.

Eventually, the two “lovers” stopped fucking, and piece was restored to the land. The rest of the sandwich clan returned to the house, completely oblivious to what had happened despite what the other townsfolk told them.

“Let’s go play outside Peanut.” Grape said. But in reality, they went into Peanut’s room and fucked.

Meanwhile, a small band of angry fans stormed into OP’s private chambers and began to beat him with red hot iron rods.

Justin Bieber: A boy forever

Do any of you have strange fantasies? Here's one of mine, it's about Justin Bieber.

"Yeah, that'll work fine," The Manager said, "Thanks, Barry!"

He hung up the phone and sighed; his meal ticket was safe.

Managing Justin Bieber was an exhausting whirlwind. The screaming girls ensured a lucrative stream of money coming in, but The Manager knew it couldn't last.

Or could it?

Justin was 16 now; his voice hadn't changed yet, and The Manager really wanted to keep it that way. He knew that once the boy's voice changed, the little girls would find another cute young boy to fall in love with.

They always did.

The Manager had been through it before. He'd had a couple 'teen idol' types at his agency in the past; they lasted a couple years, and then they were yesterday's news. None of them ever saw it coming, of course; they got caught up in the wild lifestyle, and when the bottom fell out, it pretty much destroyed them. That wasn't what worried him, though; for him, it was simply dollars and cents. Once the hotties became has-beens, they were useless. Once in awhile, one of them genuinely tried to keep his career going, but once the girls flocked away, the business wasn't interested.


He knew; he always tried to tell them that it wasn't going to last, but somehow, they'd already gotten it in their heads that they were the "Next Elvis" or "Bigger Than The Beatles".

Stupid little fuckers...

The manager looked at his calendar; Justin would be there in a few minutes.


The Manager had noticed that Justin's voice was just starting to change; luckily,, his old friend, Dr. Barry Phondiboyes, would be able to solve the problem.

As he smiled, ruminating about his plans, his secretary announced that the teen heartthrob had arrived. A moment later, Justin walked in; they shook hands, and the young singer plopped himself down on the chair in front of The Manager's desk, with an arrogantly casual air.

"Word?" He acted all ghetto, like a badass; The Manager just sat and smiled...

"Need to have you get a checkup, kid," He replied, matter-of-factly, "One of those insurance things, you know..."


"We could do it now," The Manager mused, "An old buddy of mine is a doctor, and he's got an opening in a little while."


The two of them got up and walked out of the office. It didn't take long for them to drive to the Doctor's office; they got out of The Manager's car and walked into the building. After a couple minutes' wait, they went in.

"How's it going?" The Doctor greeted his old friend warmly, then turned his attention to the teen, "And this is Justin; how are you?"

"Fine, I guess," was Justin's halfhearted response.

"Just go behind the curtain and get undressed, Ok?"


The skinny young boy went behind the curtain and started undressing.

"Everything ready, Barry?", The Manager whispered.

"No problem."

A few moments later, Justin came out from behind the curtain, wearing a sexy pair of man's undies; not quite a thong, but the kid clearly thought he was God's gift to girls.

The Manager left the room as Justin sat on the exam table. The exam went smoothly, with the Doctor checking blood pressure, lungs, lymph nodes, etc. After a couple minutes of poking and prodding, he pulled the teen's undies off, leaving him totally naked.

"I have a couple of tests and procedures that I have to do now," He explained to the nervously nude teen, "They tend to be uncomfortable, so I need to restrain you."

"You mean like tie me up?", Justin was starting to get scared.

"Just relax," Said the Doctor, his voice soft and soothing, "If you move, we'll have to start all over, so it's easier this way, Ok?"

"Well... Ok...", Was the young teen's jittery reply.

The Doctor motioned Justin to lay back; he complied, and quickly felt straps being fastened around his waist, his chest, his arms and wrists, and his forehead. Dr. Phondiboyes slipped a pair of knee crutches into holes in the exam table, then lifted the tightly bound teen's slender legs into them, and quickly binding them.

Just like that, Justin Bieber was helplessly bound to the exam table! His legs were spread apart, exposing his boy cock and his pink anal pucker!

Just then, The Manager came back into the room.

"I see you're ready for the procedure, Doctor..."

"Wait a minute!", The helpless teen protested, "What's going on???"

"Justin, my boy," The Manager addressed him, a Blofeldian quality to his voice, "Your voice is starting to change, and once it does, your career will be over."

"No it won't!", Justin retorted,, starting to struggle, "The girls love me, and they'll ALWAYS love me!"

"They won't; trust me," The older man spoke, his tone informed by experience, "But you won't have to worry about your voice changing. Ever."

"Justin, have you ever heard of Enrico Caruso?", The Doctor chimed in, "Probably the greatest tenor the world has ever known. And do you know why?"


"He made a sacrifice for his music, Justin," The Doctor continued, unaffected by the helpless teen's outburst, "The same sacrifice that YOU'RE about to make..."


"You're going to become a castrati, Justin," The Manager spoke, almost proudly, cradling the boy's testicles in his hand, "You're going to lose these things."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"", Justin struggled wildly against the restraints as he realized his fate!

The Doctor brought a tray filled with shaving and surgical implements. He readied a bowl of water, shaving cream, and a razor, and sat down in between the helpless teen's outstretched legs. The medical expert covered the captive groin with shaving cream and slowly removed what little hair had grown there. He took a washcloth and cleared the remnants of the cream away, then patted it dry with a towel.

"Looks like he's enjoying himself," The Manager noted as Justin realized in horror that he had a raging hard-on!

"Shame to waste it," The Doctor replied, taking Justin's cock in his mouth. It was small, but full of doomed promise; the young man was mortified when he shot a load of cum into the man's hungry mouth!

"Try some," The Doctor said; The Manager replaced his friend in the chair, licking the sensitive member as the captive boy screamed in useless protest! Another load shot into The Manager's mouth as the slender young body writhed in agony and ecstasy!

"I'm going to clean him out," The Doctor stated, having brought an enema bag with him. A dollop of lube on his finger, and the helpless anus felt its first unwelcome penetration! The helpless heartthrob screamed as the nozzle slid into his rectum and started shooting hot, soapy water into his bowels! He struggled in vain as his intestines filled up, and soon, he felt like he would burst! Violent cramps forced his body into paroxysms of excruciating pain!

Both men's pants were straining against rock-hard erections; they almost got whiplash as their cocks practically flew out! The sight of the struggling teen fighting in vain against his bonds as his ass was filled was too much for them to be able to control themselves!

The Doctor felt Justin's abdomen; it was starting to distend from the water pressure, and if his abs weren't rock hard already, this was just as good! He noticed that the enema bag was empty, so he got the bowl underneath the end of the table ready; he pulled the nozzle out, and a stream of water immediately shot out! It seemed to last forever; when it finally subsided, he wiped the excess water away, adding another dollop of lube.

"Want honors?", He asked The Manager, who nodded his approval.

With one motion, The Manager simultaneously stepped in between Bieber's legs and thrust his throbbing hard-on into the boy's captive ass! Justin emitted a combination gasp and scream as his virgin anus was violated! Again and again, the man's cock rammed the helpless bunghole balls deep! The rape continued as the helplessly bound youngster pleaded and screamed! Time stood still as the thrusting cock filled the boy, culminating in a humungous load of cum shooting deep into the helpless bowels as The Manager groaned from the effort!

He pulled out, exhausted, stepped back, and had to steady himself against the wall; no sooner had he stepped back than The Doctor rammed his own cock inside the helpless boy butt, making Justin scream even more! Soon, another titanic load of cum filled the boy's ass, and The Doctor pulled out.

"I've gotta piss," The Manager said, "Back in a moment..."

"Wait," The Doctor replied, "He's got a mouth, doesn't he?"

He went to a drawer and pulled out a ring gag, deftly fitting into Justin's mouth. The Manager stepped into a short stool, aimed his cock, and pissed a stream of golden juice into the helpless boy's mouth!


Justin had no choice but to swallow The Manager's urine, nor did he have any option when The Doctor did the same!

"And now," Said The Doctor, "It's time to make you a boy forever, Justin!"


The Doctor carefully washed Justin's entire groin, down to his butt crack, then dried it off. He went over to the sink and washed his hands, then put on surgical gloves. Taking a tube of betadine, he squirted a generous portion right above the boy's not-quite-mature cock, then spread the goo over his captive crotch, making sure his balls were thoroughly covered.

He picked up a scalpel in his right hand, walking up to Justin's face and showing it to him; walking back between the helplessly bound legs, he grabbed the helpless scrotum with his left hand as the boy screamed and pleaded even louder!

He sat down on the stool, lightly tracing along the center ridge of the ball sac with the scalpel; Justin screamed and pleaded more vociferously than The Manager would have ever thought possible!

"Normally, the incision would be made in the side of the scrotum," The Doctor explained, "But this way, a scar won't be as noticeable."

He sliced into the tender skin, leaving a trail of blood in the scalpel's wake. Even with Justin's agonized writhing, he was bound securely enough that his crotch was totally immobilized, so it didn't disturb The Doctor's precise skills. He made just enough of an incision to allow the orbs to be pulled out, then made a second incision through the tunica, exposing the boy's now-doomed baby-makers!

Justin was crying like a hysterical girl as The Doctor pulled his right nut out of the sac; he clipped a small weight onto the ball, then let it fall, smiling. Both men started laughing as the vas deferens was pulled to its full length! The Doctor made sure the cord was out as far as it could go, then he deftly clipped a hemostat onto it, sliced through the cord, and cauterized the end, taking the severed testicle and dropping it into a pan. He repeated the process for the other ball, then he picked up a pair of cosmetic testicles.

"After the scar heals, nobody will be able to tell."

The Doctor deftly inserted the fake balls into the scrotum, then precisely stitched up both the tunica and the sac itself. His stitches were small; The Manager was impressed by the man's skill!

"What happens if he tells somebody about this?", The Manager asked, worried.

"Not a problem," Came the reply, as he started connecting a headband to Justin's head, then connecting wires to an electrical device, "We'll just erase his memory."

The Doctor pressed a button; Justin's body twitched as electrical pulses went through his brain, taking the memories of the last few hours with them! After a minute or so, he turned the box off; the helpless boy's body passed out, exhausted!

"In a couple weeks," The Doctor explained, "Any remaining testosterone will be out of his body, and he'll be as calm as a lamb."

"He won't be a cocky little douchebag anymore?"

"Nope; his voice won't ever change, either."


"Need a snack?", Asked The Doctor, holding up the bowl with Justin's ex-nads.

They both laughed.


You'll find love

Hi /b/,

When I see /b/tards posting every day about how much they hate being single and how girls have fucked them over, I feel truly bad. Everyone goes through times where they feel lonely, but that doesn't make it easy, and it's a feeling nobody deserves.

You may think that you will be single forever, or that you are marred by some flaw that will keep any decent girl from wanting you, be it acne, your physique, or your ability to interact comfortably with girls. However, I promise that this is not the case.

There is something about you that makes you irreplaceable to the right girl. The right girl might not be a 10/10, but she is the right girl for you, and as such, you will think she's beautiful. All of you are attractive in some way, even the niggers. Maybe you are funny, or you are smart, or you are dependable, or you are just good at listening. The girl who is worth your heart will see these things in you and you will be in love and happy.

I'm ashamed for how my sex treats you sometimes. Like a lot of guys, a lot of girls look for the wrong things in a partner. It seems like everywhere you look, people just want somebody who is "hot" and "charismatic." You've wanted a lot of girls who haven't given you the time of day. However, you are better off for having these girls pass you by, because they are vapid, shallow, stupid bitches.

Someday you will find somebody who loves you deeply and completely. When this happens, I hope you realize that all of the time spent striking out was worth it, because it led you to something wonderful.

I love all of you and wish that you could love yourselves. Things will fall into place in each and every one of your lives. Just hold tight until then.

Swan fucker

Whats the sickest/most devious thing you've ever done?

Here's mine:

One evening when it was really late I was walking around in the near by park. Barely anyone came to this park even during the day.

I saw this swan sleeping on the grassy area, no where near the lake. If you have ever seen a swan or a goose their bodies are very attractive (but swans faces are kind of ugly). I was looking at it's neck and wondering about the swans esophagus.

To make a long story short, I cut it's neck, almost cut it's head completely off but not quite. It died as I fucked it's esophagus. It's wings were flapping a lot which really turned me on because a swan has beautiful wings. I would squeeze on it's wings as they flapped, those wings were truly the best part. As it tried to breath the esophagus would tighten against my dick all while the blood was pumping out all over my dick and balls. The red blood was so good looking against the white feathers so I'm glad I decided to do it with a swan and not a goose (even though geese are more attractive in the face). I was completely naked for this and afterwards I washed off in the lake.

It's pretty much the most violently sexual thing I've ever done. I've NEVER been attracted to any other animal besides birds and that's only because of the shape of their wings. I find wings to be irresistibly arousing. It was so violent and exciting. Afterwards I felt so relived, like I had spent the day at a spa. All my muscles were relaxed and I was very chill.

ZOMG Becky

Yes, that is the bitch from iCarly. No, it's not known which bitch is talking to who.

ZOMG Becky, I just found out all these guys on 4chan who I thought were so cool are actually virgins in real life, can you believe it? As in never had sex, never touched a girl 'down there', never been on a date, probably never even held hands romantically or heard the words 'I love you' from a girl. They seemed so cool and laidback till I found out they have no social lives, have never even kissed a girl, can barely talk to one or even look her in the eye and never had any kind of relationship. LMFAO, and they seemed to know so much about sex. That is just so, so sad you know? I just want to hug each and every one of them and tell them: There's a special girl for you out there somewhere, don't give up hope, humans weren't made to be lonely. It's also kind of adorable, a guy being a virgin, haha, I feel so sorry for them. I hope they find happiness someday. But yeah, trouble is they're so starved of attention that when I try to help them, they end up falling in love with me. They're like sweet lle lost puppies looking for affection and a home, but it wont be with me lol. Anyway, let's get out of here, I'll leave them some advice for their social anxiety, but their overcompensation for their virginity with macho talk, sex talk and misogyny is getting tiring. I used to take offence at 'Tits or GTFO', 'Back to the kitchen' and them calling us 'cumdumpsters'. Actually, I found it kind of hot, but now it's like, lol. But I still feel sorry for them, you know? Because I know it must be hard and embarrassing for a guy to live as a virgin, and kind of awkward for their families as well. Anyway let's get to the coffeshop. Have Josh and Eric meet us up. I'm sad to be leaving , but the threads were only funny when I thought it was guys like Josh posting, but I just can't take these guys seriously anymore, I mean, they're virgins! They'd stare at the floor if I was standing in front of them, lol. I suggest the rest of you girls follow us out of 4chan.

Don't Judge Me!

hey 4chan I can't tell people in real life so I'm just going to vent here. All my life I have felt different. I could never put my finger on why. Oh wait, I mean SCALES. Fuck. Anyways, this shit started a year ago. I was born with freckles, crimson eyes, and an incurable case of a common skin disease. I was constantly teased by little shits who thought they were sooo cool. Here's what I have to say: FUCK YOU LITTLE SHITS.

Okay, back on topic, last september I met the love of my life. His name's Kellie. It is NOT a girl name! I took one look at him and fell in love. He had these yummy brown eyes and thick black hair and he thought that I was sexyy. But when I brought him to meet my family, they didn't approve. Just because he's darker than me! It's not fair at all. My mom married a Protestant and her family shit bricks so now she's taking it out on me and my future hubby! But, I don't need her.

So, six months later things were SUPER serious. Kellie and I got engaged! the ring was..a little old and covered in liquid but I wasn't complainin'. A month later, my 21st birthday, was when I first noticed the changes. My eyes started to get kinda green, and the scabies spread but it was my goddamn birthday, and I'm sexy so I didn't care. The night was wild! Kellie and I did it!!! It.was.amazing.

5 months later I found out that I was expecting!!!!!!! A BABY BOY! We named him Julio after a book that Kellie loves called julie of the wolves or some shit like that. The day Julio was born was the best damn day of my shitty life. He was so beauteous!!!! he had Kellie's sexy eyes and dark hair, but my skin. And, you won't believe this, but Julio had wings. Real wings! I didn't tell any of my friends though 'cause no one would believe me but it's true. It doesn't even matter now though. I don't have anymore friends.

Life was great for a while but then things got stranger. My voice got deeper and more scratchy, and Julio learned to walk when he was like 6 weeks old. It got harder to catch the baby when he would misbehave, but Kellie didn't even care. He just laid around and ignored me.

I only got mad at Julio one time, and he flew away!!!! Just flew right out the damn window! I'm completely falling apart. I can't stop crying and now Kellie is so distraught he can't control his bowel movements. I need help! But none of my friends will speak to me and my parents think I'm disgusting. I never liked my mom but she's all I have now. And my dad, he's not even my real dad!!! My mom finally confessed that I'm half dragon! My real father is a reptile living in the fucking Sahara! What the hell. And guess what else? I can't even report my missing son to the news because my husband is a german shephard and society wouldn't approve. Love knows no bounds, conservative Christian hate mongrels. Fuck you.

Not all muslims are terrorists

Alright, you dumb fucking Americans. Both left-wings and right-wings. The right-wings tend to view all muslims as terrorists. While the left-wings blindly replies with "not all terrorists are muslim". Now, you dumb fucks want to know how to spot a fucking terrorist out of the billion fucking muslims? Simple as fuck. Islam have several GROUPS of believers. Those groups believe different parts of the Qu'ran. Ill just mention the two biggest groups nao, who make up about 75% of muslim groups.

Now, the Sunni muslims... Those guys are way moar peaceful than any christian fucking group you'll ever find. They believe in love and all that bullshit. And their countries aren't complete fucking chaotic. Saudi-Arabia, The United Arab Emirates.. All ruled by Sunnis.

And, the Shia muslims... The Shias believe in holy war. Jihad. It does NOT fucking matter if the Shia muslim is a 12 year old girl or a 60 year old man. They believe the same parts of the Qu'ran. They believe every non-muslim deserves death. The Shias also run countries such as Iran and Libya. Taliban is also a Shia-based islamic group.

Alright. The Shia muslims and the Sunnis are mortal fucking enemies. And by that, I don't mean like the fucking conservatives and liberals. I mean, they'll fucking kill eachother.

So, Amerifags.. About 30% of muslims believe that you should die. The remaining 70% are just like you and me.

Now discuss, you dumbfucks.


File:Kristen Copypasta Image.jpg

A lot of kids at school are making fun of me saying I look like a boy (I'm a girl!). My friends say it's because of my hair but I like my hair short.

What should I do? All the teasing is getting to me.

why slug more slug

Why Slug More Slug.jpg

1- Slug is so much light than snail who have shell to copy slug technology.

2- The snail use the shell because is a fucking faget.

3- snail got crush so easy, and you can give the slug to ur dog chew and it ll still eat lettuce.

4- shell is MORE heavy than no shell.

5- some slug have internal shell because more evolved

6- Your cousin will not want to stay on your house to play slug.

7- If you trow the slug on the wall, the wall will go up.

8- Trow both on water and watch which will come up first.

over 9000- slug at mate will make a slimecord. The snail will show dribble.

10- All slug are hermaphrodite. Snail is too but because faget

11 - slug is the name of a bullet. Snail means it is slow.

12 - Slug will eat carrion, slug dont give a fuck

13- slug didn’t needed an upgrade. Slug is perfect

why snail more snail

Why Snail More Snail.jpg

1- Snail is so much heavy and strong. if snail does not kill you he can hit you with it. weight is a sign of reliability.

2- the slug got evict from shell because he is poor.

3- slug get crush easy, snail shell get crush, snail crawl away to find another. it is like having 1up.

4- shell is more stronger than no shell

5- snail evolve shell out of itself, internal slug shell is copy of superior snail technology.

6- your sexy little sister lift up her skirt when she see snail.

7- if you trow snail at wall, wall will catch snail and happy.

8- trow both on water and see wich can breth underwater which has surfase for air

over 9000- snail at mate will find a quiet leaf or hotel, slug is brazen hussy

10- snail is hermaphroditte faget becaus he hate biches only care for monie

11- snail is nail with curve added. slug is fake monie because he is poor.

12- snail only feast on finest foods, snail is coinesseur.

13- slug is 100000 years undeevolve, only survive because affirmative action.

Hitler S.I.

One hitler shall henceforth be a unit of measurement equal to 6.0*106 human deaths.

Standard SI prefixes apply. Thus Harold Shipman's achievements amount to 36 microhitlers.

The true utility of the hitler as an SI unit is it allows useful unit conversions.

For example: the EPA currently values a human life as being worth 6.9 million us dollars (6.9 megadollars). A simple unit conversion thus gives us 1 hitler is equivalent to -41,400,000,000,000 dollars. (-41 teradollars).

It can therefore be quantitatively established whether or not someone is "worse than hitler". When congress failed to pass a stimulus bill in 2008 the market lost 1.2 trillion dollars in 1 day, roughly equivalent to 29 millihitlers. Joseph Stalin is the only human I know of who can be called worse than hitler, as his achievements clocked roughly 5 hitlers.

When your bank nails you with a 35 dollar fine, you can confidently tell the teller that they are currently fucking you over to the tune of 84 picohitlers and ask if they have a very tiny auschwitz behind the counter.

Why hating the negro is irrational.

The negroid brain, with its fewer folds is wholly unsuited to the type of intelligent work required in modern societies. On the other hand, the musculature of the negro physique makes him amply suited to simple, repetitive field work and domestic servitude. The more capable among their race may also rise to positions of factory and manufacturing work. The negro is entirely happy in these positions and unlikely to become uppity or difficult.

It is the rise of the service economy and the growth of the first kind of jobs, with the decline of the latter type of work, coupled with the idea that he is capable of rising to a higher position, a cruel myth fed to him by do-gooder liberals, that has led to idleness for the negro. He has failed in his attempts to better his position and, angry that he was lied to, has lashed out by prodigiously taking to crime and becoming accustomed to living off welfare handouts.

I would argue that the solution is not to hate the negro, but rather to understand his plight. One cannot expect miracles from him, just as one cannot expect a dog to perform surgery or design a building. But you would not hate the dog for that. Like a dog, the negro merely needs to be guided and trained to channel his abilities into socially useful functions.


Hey you,

My name is Rick, and I am never gonna give you up. All of you have let me down, made me cry, and spent all day telling lies and hurting people. Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten this from any other guy? I mean, I guess it's fun knowing the game and playing it, but you all take to a whole new level. Inside we both know what's been going on.

Don't be a stranger to love. You know the rules and so do I. I'm pretty much perfect. I have been nominated for a Grammy, and had a #1 hit. What games do you play, other than "running around deserting people"? And if you ask me how I’m feeling, I also have a banging hot girlfriend (We’ve known each other for SO long). I just wanted to tell you how I was feeling. I gotta make you understand.

Pic Related: It's me and my full commitment

Shaving My Ass Hair

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.


Subtle Grammar Nazi

The grammar in this place is really terrible.

/b/ is starting to look like it's nothing more than a bunch of teenage faggots.

If you can't use proper grammar, then don't come on this website. It's not facebook, nor it is It is /b/.

I can understand the grammar jokes, like "Trolling is an art." That stuff is funny, I don't have a problem with it.

However, if I see one more faggot start a sentence without a capital letter then I will lose faith in this board.

If I see another person switch "Their, They're, and There" or "Your and You're." I might seriously consider not coming back to it anymore.

If you post with bad grammar in this thread, you're not trolling me. You're just proving yourself do be a dumbass. Regardless of anonymity, you're still out there somewhere. Whoever you are, you're a dumbass.

How Wear Animal Skin?

hey /b/ so god was a man and he made adam and eve and then meteors came to kill dinosaurs but adam was sad because dick is ronery and then meteor hit eve balls and eve balls went chestboobs and then adam was happy and incest but eve wasnt happy so he took an apple from a tree and had to wear animal skins.. but dinosaurs were hit by meteor how wear animal skins?

dis rokema i bring story with lots of phyloosox in everyday stay tunes pls


thank you for like my story, im bad english lol but ill write more tomorrow, remember to archiev for newfahs

Incest with little sister

First I'd like to say troll please go away this is a serious matter.

To start off I would like to say that I'm 14 and my little sister is 9, no more details will be given except these fake names Me, Josh and my little sister Amy. Now, it wasn't till recently where my whole life changed, it happened last Thursday when my parents went to a work formal and made me babysit my sister. Normally my sister is quiet and doesn't bother me which is good but this night it was different. So my parents left me some money to buy pizza so I felt pretty good. When the pizza came my sister took it and went upstairs so I just started watching some Foxtel. I was flicking through the channels boring myself to to death because Foxtel in general is shit so I hit up some "Special interests" channels ;). I went to go check on my sister to make sure I was safe to beat off without her popping in. I quickly headed back to the TV and began to rub my penis. This porno was pretty hot I must admit and I kept stopping and going and just playing around, after about 15 minutes I was about climax and I hear "Josh What are you doing?" The first thought that went through my mind was "FUCK!" I quickly hid my boner with a pillow and changed the channel "Amy, go away" but she just stood there. I could feel the awkwardness building up she said "Josh, what was on the TV? I kept hearing weird noises" I was going red and said "It was nothing, just a ad" she said "Okay, can I sit next to you?" so, you sat next to me and my boner was RIGHT under the pillow and she laid on top of it! She started playing with my leg and me being the ticklish person I am jumped and the pillow fell off revealing my penis. For about ten seconds she stared at it then she grabbed it I yelled and said "AMY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING" but I didn't push her off it just felt so good and she began to lick it. I know it sounds fucked up but I enjoyed and when I cummed in her mouth I liked it! That's fucking fucked! She ran away laughing and I just sat there stunned.......Any ideas?

How Halo Reach ruined my life.

I was living a very happy life. I had a beautiful girlfriend whom I loved very much, a decent job, and plans to graduate from college and get a degree in the fine arts and architecture. I had my own house and my own car. I wasn't rich or anything, but I was in good shape. Anyway, life was good. My friends had been telling me about this awesome game called Halo Reach. I played some of the halo games before and they were alright I guess. I didn't really have time for video games anymore, but I did have an xbox 360.

After being pestered to try Reach, I decided to give in. So I borrowed a copy of reach from one of my friends. The campaign was alright. It wasn't amazing, but I had fun. Multiplayer was alright too and I had fun playing matchmaking with my friends. But then we played invasion, I enjoyed it a lot. I loved being on the elite team. The elites kicked ass! So I played invasion a lot. Every time my friends got on, I would ask them to play invasion with me

So after a few days of playing invasion, something weird started to happen. The grunts the elites made when they rolled or sprinted began to appeal to me. They began to turn me on. I felt very uncomfortable about this because I was sexually attracted to my girlfriend. I began to have strange dreams about elites. I dreamed about the naked arbiter from halo 2. They disturbed me greatly and yet I just couldn't stop thinking about them!

One day, when my girlfriend had to visit her family, I got on halo reach. The internet was down so I thought I could mess around in forge or something. But I could not stop thinking about the elites and the grunting noises they made. So I started up a custom game of slayer by myself and used the elite model. I set the sprint loadout to infinite use then I taped the x button. My elite began to sprint and the grunting noises he made were so beautiful!

I couldn't help but become aroused as images of male elites accompanied the grunts emanating from the TV. So I closed my eyes , unzipped my pants and I began to pleasure myself. I imagined that I was a female elite and that a male elite was making love to me. I hadn't been jerking off for 2 minutes when I came. It was so fast!

A week had passed since I jerked off to the sounds of an elite grunting. But I could not get it out of my mind. My girlfriend was beginning to notice that something was on my mind as I was not up to my usual performance in bed. I told her that I was just thinking about work related problems. I found that I was no longer being aroused by my girlfriend. But I did not want to lose her. So I imagined that I was a male elite and that my grunts were his. I also imagined that my girlfriend was me. This seemed to be working in the meantime, but it didn't last for long.

When my girlfriend wasn't around, I would jack off while thinking about the arbiter. Each time was amazing! But, it wasn't enough. I wanted to feel the penetration. So I experimented with different things that could safely emulate the texture and shape of an elite penis. I tried many different things: bananas, pears, the broken off handle of a swiffer, and cucumbers. I finally settled on cucumbers. It hurt at first, but I got used to it. My orgasms doubled in strength. I would turn on halo reach, go into a custom game, get the elite sprinting, lube up the cucumber with vaseline, stick it in me, the masturbate.

Eventually, the cucumbers got too expensive to buy and my girlfriend was getting suspicious about all the "rotten cucumbers" in the garbage. So I had to find a more permenant solution. After some browsing online, I found a special toy store called [url=]bad dragon.[/url] It was a weird website that sold dragon dildos. I was looking for something that could emulate an elite penis, so I settled on something called the fusion. After a month of waiting for it to arrive, it finally did. MEanwhile, I had spent $100 on cucumbers and vaseline.

I tried it out and it was amazing! The bumps tickled as they went in and they filled me up inside! My orgasms had tripled in strength! Sometimes I almost passed out! It was amazing! But...things went downhill. I got fired from my job because my productivity went down. (I kept masturbating instead of working). I had a hard time finding another job in this economy. Then one day, my girlfriend walked in on me. I didn't hear her get home. She must have heard my groans and my cries of "OH ARBITER!!!" because she walked in on me just as I came all over The TV. She screamed as loud as she could and I jumped up, pants down and dildo up my ass, grunting elite sounds coming from the TV.

MY life has hit rock bottom. I have no girlfriend anymore, I am jobless, I had to sell my car and my xbox. I am currently on Social Security and I had to drop out of college because I could no longer afford it. This is how halo reach ruined my life. This is also why you should remove elites from matchmaking bungie.

The Royal Treatment

my "situation story" begins like this. ponyfag here. not the kind who posts in threads, just a viewer of the show. nothing more.

One day, I wake up in the fields of Equestria, south of the royal city of Canterlot. One of Princess Celestia's royal guards reportedly found me motionless and unconscious on the ground, and had no idea what i was. I arrived at the Princess's castle, where i confronted her, still unconcscious. Using her magic on me, i woke up. Princess Celestia then greeted me, and i greeted her, as she dismissed everybody from the room. We then started to talk, who i was, how i got there, when Celestia started talking about "other" things. She then used her magic and gently took my pants off, and started to give me head. It was pleasurable, and i soon began to enjoy the "royal treatment". Soon after, Celestia took her mouth of of my cock, and turned her rear towards me. Throbbing juices were dripping from her wet, soft, pink pussy. Celestia rammed her ass in my face, forcing me into bliss and the tastes of only the finest of whines. Her ass and pussy in my face soon turned to sex, and i soon came. Wiping my massive cock and it's juices all over Celestia's face was more than i could ask for in a sudden warp to Equestria, and That was all i could think of....until Celestia's "lesser" sister, Luna, barged in. Luna and I got in one little fight, and my mom came in and said"You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air".

Rebar's Many uses

Hello /b/,

I am currently a college student taking a biology night course with a very unique individual. I trust most of you are familiar with the "furry" fandom. Well, as it turns out, this particular gentleman sitting on my right is quite the avid fursuiter. He's a very quiet person, seemingly dull in his silence. He never makes eye contact, or pays attention to the professor, yet he always seems to be fervently scrawling something into his binder. I had no warning for this, nor am I even now completely sure why this happened, but during one particularly boring lecture, as I sat staring at the corner of my desk, aimlessly tapping my pencil against the cheap wooden frame, I felt a gentle tug on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I turned to see him leering at me through his circular-framed, quarter-inch thick glasses. For a moment there was silence, until he feverishly began to gesture towards his now visible notebook. What I saw upon the page, was the startlingly accurate likeness of my face, portrayed as the head of some sort of anthropomorphic animal. Unfortunately I also witnessed the erratic smears of what appeared to be ejaculate across the page. As I sat, taken aback by this curious, blurred rendition of myself, I felt his constant, wide-eyed stare continue to bore into my face. Just about that time, the sharp ring of the bell brought the chilling moment to a temporary reprieve. I looked away and gathered my things as quickly as possible, and, at a brisk walk, left the classroom without looking back.

Seven hours had passed since that particular biology class. I sat at the personal desk in my dorm room, bouncing a rubber ball against the surface. I didn't bother to show up to the two classes I had scheduled afterwards. I glanced down at the digital clock, glowing in the darkness. It read 4:17 a.m. I leaned back in my chair, regarding my ceiling fan, heaving a sigh of an emotion I could not place. Was it fear? Anger? Hate? I could not tell. I leaned forward again, and saw out of my periphery, the clock registered a different time. As I turned to see, I could've sworn that in a brief moment, "BU:RN" lit up the digital display. I blinked and the time was 10:18 a.m. Not believing this sudden change, I paced to my window, drew my curtains, and still my beating heart, the campus was bustling. Feeling sick, I collapsed onto my bed, clenched my sheets, and began breathing heavily into them. After I had calmed down a bit, I glanced again at my clock, and it read 10:21, 9 minutes until my next class. I can't remember what happened the rest of the day, but a blur of images seem to stick out in my mind. The janitor's broom, a broken bottle on a street corner, a length of muddy barbed wire in a distant doorstep.

The time was 8:29. Half an hour until that class. I wouldn't let it happen again. I needed him gone. I didn't enter the classroom, yet sat perched on a tree branch near the closest possible window to his seat. In my right hand I grasped a bent length of rebar from the construction site of the university's new complex downtown (I have no distinct memory of going there). I peered through the window, observing him. As always, he was ignoring the professor and scribbling vigorously into his binder. I scowled. It dawned on me that it was probably the same picture I had seen before, my image fueling his feverish sexual fantasies. I became angry. I clenched my teeth and gripped my weapon. Minutes passed. Hours. My nose began to bleed, and I tasted the crimson iron. The bell rang. I saw him leaving, the last to exit. His glasses, his neatly combed hair, the shape of his face, these things made me angry. When he was a fair distance away from the tree, I found I could wait no longer. I dropped from my perch, hearing a dull crunch as I made contact with the ground. My left ankle was limp. I waded through the pain and approached the worm. With a well- placed swing, I shattered the small of his back. The first noise I had ever heard him make escaped his mouth in the form of a pitiful yelp. This enraged me further. I bent over and gripped his shoulder, hard. I yanked him onto his back, through his broken glasses his eyes displayed fear and shock. Submission. He was completely helpless and knew it. This made me angrier. I raised my right foot, ignoring the pain in my left, and smashed my heel into his nose. His scream was music, the blood pouring from the twisted stump of what was his nose was artwork. Lifting his head by the collar of his shirt, I brought my face an inch from his and yelled "FURFAG GOES IN EVERY OVEN!" with this, I pressed the end of the metal rod into his mouth and slowly began to increase pressure into the back of his throat. His bloody vomit muffled what cries he could muster. Soon, the length of rebar was completely through his neck, shoved into the ground as if to nail down a tent. My adrenaline began to subside, my blurred vision came into focus, and I began to really notice the pain in my ankle. I stepped back from the corpse of my tormentor, horrified at what I had done. I needed to leave. Immediately. I limped over to the curb and whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I can say that this cab was rare, but I thought 'Nah forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'. I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8, and I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'. I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

Blowfly Girl: Maggot Story

Original here

Here is my maggot story. The one I didn't lose, anyway. I wrote this about two weeks after my first experience with maggots, about five years ago. I didn't realize people would ask me to repost it so soon! Hope you enjoy it.

Sunday was warm and sunny, just how I always fantasized it would be when I finally went through with it. I stared walking to the dumpster again, I think about 2pm, and I was really excited and nervous. I felt butterflies in my tummy, just anticipating what I was about to do.

The dumpster is in the alley behind a restaurant near my house. It gets emptied on Tuesdays, so by Sunday it's pretty stinky and there are flies buzzing around. Which means there are things rotting inside there and that's just perfect for me. A few times in the past I climbed into that dumpster and masturbated. Nothing too intense. Most I'd ever done was take off my pants and hump against the dirty garbage bags. And one time I laid there with my legs spread, watching the flies land on me.

So anyway, I walked down the alley to the dumpster, and as usual I made sure nobody was around, just to be extra careful. You have to go behind a tall wooden fence to even see the dumpster, and the restaurant is closed on Sunday anyway, so I knew I wouldn't be noticed. But this time there's no way I want to be disturbed. I climbed up and over the side and onto my hands and knees into the mass of plastic garbage bags and other miscellaneous rubbish. The bags felt warm from the sun. The smell in there was extremely foul, much worse than usual, and I knew it was because of my rotting meat. I sat and tried to get myself to relax for a few minutes. There was no reason to hurry. When I was ready, I calmly took off my sandals, my jeans, and my panties. Both pairs. I was wearing two pairs of tight panties with a bunch of my panty liners in the crotch, which keeps anything in my vagina from coming out when I move around. But I was going "all the way" this time, so I went ahead and got completely naked. That was a weird feeling, being totally nude inside the dumpster. It seemed very erotic to me. The sun felt warm on my skin, especially my boobs, which pretty much never see the sun.

I took a pair of rubber kitchen gloves out of my pants pocket and put them on. There was no way I could bring myself to actually touch a maggot with my bare hands. Lying with my back against the side of the dumpster, I fingered my pussy. I was really wet already. I knew I would be. The sensation of the rubber glove against my clit felt unusual, and I kind of liked it. I did that for a little while, just thinking about what I was about to do, while staring at the smaller garbage bag in the far corner of the dumpster where I'd left it yesterday. I still felt the butterflies in my tummy. I kept thinking to myself that I can't wimp out, that I had to go through with this. I wished for a moment that someone else was there to force me to do it, but decided that it was somehow much more sick and depraved to do it to myself willingly. And I thought, yeah, that's me. That's what I want. I deserve this. And so I knew it was time to do it

I got back on my hands and knees and crawled to the other side of the dumpster. I sat down next to my garbage bag, gently picked it up and placed it in front of me. The terrible smell was already stronger. Carefully, I tore the bag open. And there they were. There had to be thousands of maggots, kind of beige-yellow with little black spots on them, all writhing in a large mass. I couldn't even see the rotting meat underneath them. Dozens more maggots clung to the inside of the black plastic, which was coated with a thick light-brown slime. It was such a repulsive sight I thought I was going to throw up right there. But I didn't. I took a few minutes to get control of myself, fingering my clit while staring at the maggots, trying to work up the courage to continue.

I scooped up some of the slime on my gloved finger and brought it to my nose. I knew what it was from the reading I'd done before. It was digestive juices from the maggots, full of bacteria. And it smelled just horrible. I thought to myself, that's what I'm going to smell like. That's the stench that's going to come from my vagina. I want that, I thought, spreading my legs wide apart. I dragged my slimy finger between my pussy lips. My clit felt like a hard little pebble beneath the slime. I didn't want to cum right then, though, and I was still right on the edge of gagging, too. But I knew there was no turning back now, so I let my fingers lightly touch the top of the maggot mass. The maggots felt like nothing I'd experienced before. They seemed to have such energy, totally different from picking up an earthworm or something. And they felt so alive. I was fascinated and nauseated at the same time. Sinking my fingers into the mass, I felt the solid meat beneath. Gently breaking it apart, I could see that the meat had turned gray except for the very center which was still pink, and that the maggots had penetrated into it but not too deeply yet. There was still plenty of food for my filthy little babies. I broke off a small chunk of meat that was covered on one side with maggots and held it for a moment while I fought back another urge to vomit. It was finally time, I thought. I leaned forward, and holding my pussy lips apart with one hand, I gritted my teeth and pushed the maggot-covered chunk of meat into my vagina. And then, totally without expecting it, I had an orgasm. A quick, sharp one that only made me want more.

And more was coming. I broke off another small chunk of meat, along with another part of the maggot mass and pushed it inside me. This one had more maggots on it, and I stopped for a moment to see if I could feel them inside me. I wasn't sure I could, but it didn't matter. I wanted them all. I needed to take them all inside me. With that thought, I went sort of wild. I started pushing bigger chunks of meat and maggots, and even handfuls of just maggots into me, over and over. I was practically hyperventilating, too. I wasn't thinking at all about the noise I must have been making. But now I could definitely feel the maggots squirming inside my vagina. Just the idea of it made me cum again.

Finally, once I had crammed all of the rotten meat, and all of the maggots I could inside me, I felt so filthy, so disgusting, like I'd turned myself into some low, depraved sort of beast. And that made me so incredibly hot, together with the constant movement of the maggots inside me. But it was time to go. Holding my hand over my crotch, I slowly crawled back to my clothes and managed to get dressed again without anything coming out. I put the gloves back into my pocket and climbed out of the dumpster. And right then I could hold back the revulsion of what I'd just done no longer. Holding myself up against the side of the dumpster, I threw up. Ever vomited while you were horny? It's weird.

Walking home down the alley, I felt like I was in a daze. I kept asking myself how I could have done this to myself, but then asking why I'd waited so long. I had to walk slowly to make sure nothing got squeezed out of my vagina, but also to keep from cumming again. I found myself amazed at the whole thing, that I'd stuffed the most intimate part of myself with these things that were too disgusting to even touch without gloves. And that I was totally getting off on it.

Once I was home, I locked myself in my bedroom, took off my clothes, except for my double-panties, and got into bed. I closed my eyes and just let myself feel the maggots squirming inside me. For a while I tried to watch TV, but I could really pay attention to it. The maggots were too wonderfully distracting. I skipped dinner. Later on, when I really had to pee, I did it by taking down my panties and holding my hand over my crotch, wearing the rubber gloves, of course.

The next morning I called off of work after being awake most of the night. I mainly stayed naked in my bed all day masturbating, barely getting up for anything. I wanted to do nothing but let my nauseating little babies grow inside my pussy. Pretty early, though, I realized the smell was getting really horrible. I opened the window. I also wet a bath towel and stuffed it under my bedroom door. I didn't want my parents to get suspicious.

A little later on I realized that I didn't need the panties to hold the maggots and the meat inside me. The mass pretty much stayed in place as long as I laid kind of still. I thought hey, I guess that means I'm infested, which made me cum again. I was always right on the edge of orgasm, and it didn't take much to go over the edge. I also noticed that the maggots seemed to be more active if I kept my legs apart and realized that they probably needed to breathe. So that's how I stayed a lot of the time. I did get up and read my email and posted an update on my web page but I couldn't seem to think clearly enough to write much. Then I had to pee again, but I just didn't want to get up. So I just peed in the bed. It made me cum. I just wanted to keep feeling the maggots moving. And they were. They seemed even stronger, in anything. I was totally in heaven with it. I didn't eat at all, either.

I heard my parents come home from work. During the evening my mom said hello through the door and wondered why I was staying in my room like a hermit. I said I was reading a novel all the way through at once, which I actually do sometimes. She left me alone. I hoped she didn't smell anything. I surfed the Web for a while that night and looked at porn. I came a few more times. I decided to go ahead and take a shit in my bed, right where I was. That just made me more turned on and I ended up smearing some of my shit over my thighs and my pussy and cumming again. I noticed that the maggots started coming out a bit. Maybe they liked the shit. A couple tmes one would creep up on my belly. I'd just flick it back down between my legs.

I was getting tired at that point. It really was time to sleep and my vagina was throbbing and kind of sore from all of the attention. But I was most worried about making sure my maggots could breathe while I was sleeping. Somehow, I managed to find the energy to place a chair on either side of my bed and use sheets to tie my ankles to them. That would keep my legs apart during the night. I pulled the blankets over myself and dozed off lying in my piss and shit.

For the most part I slept through the night, but I kept waking up sweating, with my vagina throbbing worse. I knew I was getting a bad infection from this, but I didn't care. I was not thinking right. I could also feel maggots crawling all over me. I guess I decided I liked that and I'd play with my clit until I came again. I don't know if I realized at the time that I wasn't wearing the rubber gloves anymore. I'd fall back to sleep and wake up again later with little phrases running through my head. Other girls have babies but I give birth to decay and filth, I'd keep thinking to myself. Or I'd say I'm probably ruining my womb and I don't care, I want to be ruined. I know I must have been hallucinating from the infection. I was hoping the maggots had given up on the rotten meat and were eating my vagina instead. My fingers were buried inside my vagina, with my fingertips against part of the meat. Whenever I pressed on it, the maggots would squirm faster and I'd climax again. I could do it over and over and keep cumming.

Finally it was Tuesday morning and sunlight made me wake up. I knew I was really, really sick at that point. I felt weak and dizzy, I knew I had a fever, and now my whole lower belly was sore and throbbing. Despite all that I was still horny and I was still right on the edge of cumming. And then for some reason, all I wanted to do was see my maggots.

I pulled the blankets aside and saw that I really did have maggots crawling all over my body. I was so whacked out I loved it. But I also saw that I had a rash spreading over my tummy and my thighs, and I was soaked with sweat. And then suddenly I needed to see what it looked like between my legs. I sat up a little, picked up the hand mirror I have on the table next to my bed, and held it between my thighs.

My pussy was totally gaped wide open. I'd never seen it like that before. It reminded me of a mouth in a sick, gagging expression. My inner lips were swollen and dark purple, almost black, while my outer lips were cherry red and I was losing a layer of dead skin, like a sunburn. A stream of the light brown slime was oozing from inside my vagina and down my butt crack onto the shitty mattress. Although I could still feel a large mass of maggots and rotten meat inside me, there were maggots everywhere between my legs. Hundreds of them.

And then I saw my fingers on my pussy. They plunged deep into my vagina and dragged out a wad of slime and maggots, which I pressed hard against my clit. I remember having a huge orgasm right then, and I must have passed out. I think I was sobbing too, but I'm not sure.

That's all I remember until I woke up in the hospital.

Very very pissed off!!!!!

I would just like to say that Zombiebaron is a mother fucking, ass licking, cock sucking, brown nosing, pink eyed, shit faced, rim jobbing, sheep holling, bestiality prostituting tea bagging dog touching bitching gay nut rubbing blow jobbing lube eating retarded loner man boobed pretentious cunt footed fire crouch crab filled hole stuffing nerdy blue waffled cum lipped midget shit pants badger self nipple pleasuring bastered un-wanted child nob kissing wanking ugly pimple faced donkey fucking crap bathing dirty, stuck up, setistic, shit eating cock sucking butt fucking penis smelling crouch grabbing ball licking semon drinking dog raping child touching cow hopping brainless heartless mindless dickless testical joking yerd gaudler horse face shit hardling toiliet kissing self centered crap gathering piss swimming little cunt who has been raped in the bath tube by his hairy STD-spreading pedophile uncle.

Zombiebaron is stupid, and I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. He is hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

Copypasta White Knighting

The fact that it's copypasta means.......

.......WHAT, exactly? Hmm?

Go on, explain your butthurt with logic and intelligence. Or at least try, and fail hilariously at it. This ought to be GOOD. *sits down with a popcorn bucket*

Bronies are REAL men!

Before I even watched My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic for the first time, one of my friends (who ultimately got me to watch it) cautiously said to a friend of ours and myself: "Does it make me less of a man that I'm watching My Little Pony and loving it?" My response was: "I think that the truest form of manliness is when a person does whatever feels genuine to them no matter who cares, how much, or for what reason. Machismo is ridiculous and self contradictory Manliness is being you even if nobody likes it."

In short, when a man walks into Toys 'R Us and buys a My Little Pony figurine, he's being manly. The guy snarking at him from the other line is using machismo to protect himself. Watching the two of them, I'd admire the man who isn't afraid to be who he is.

Machismo needs to die; It's just projected, exaggerated insecurity. Get in line and buy your pony. "Like" My Little Pony on Facebook and don't keep it from posting for all of your friends to see. Decapitate that silly projection fantasy of what it's like to be a man, and really become one.

The world doesn't need Fight Club; it needs ponies.

A Funny Story Involving a Brony

I had the funniest encounter with a brony last night at a concert /b/. I was there, jumping along with everyone else, and just generally having a good time, when I noticed this brony in a fursuit next to me with the words "Bronies FTW" printed on the front. The world around me seemed to slow down to a crawl as I remembered all of the annoying bitching these assholes did to me on the internet for giving them the hate they so richly deserve, but now, they were out of the safe territory of the internet, and I saw my chance. Vision practically tinted red, I reached over, and ripped the shitty attempt at a rainbow dash head off of that faggot, revealing the most repulsive, acne covered, three-inch thick glasses wearing, foot long hair covered face that I had ever seen. Obviously stunning him, I then loudly screamed in his face: "Yiff in hell, furfag!" As I ripped the poorly sewn eyes off of the unholy object, the little shit who once wore it with pride ran away like the little pussy he is after that. Let this be a message to all bronies: "You may be safe on the internet, but the minute you set foot outside in the real world, expect the full fury of society upon you. Your kind is not welcome here, and will be properly exterminated should it ever appear."

Britfag Ultimate Troll

You can't control your citizens as they destroy your cities.

Your primary hedonistic religion was founded so that your fatass king could divorce and murder his wife.

Your imperialism caused 99% of the problems in the world.

Directly responsable for the world's slave trade....

UK helped create Afganistan fearing Russian Imperialism.

The UK's indifference to the famine Ireland suffered in the mid-19th century.

UK did nothing to stop France from drafting the Treaty of Versailles.

UK helped draw up the borders in Africa after withdrawing causing decades of tribal warfare.

Historic responsibility for the Kashmir dispute.

Thousands of British children shipped to Australia and other Commonwealth countries between the 1920s and 1960s.

Currently... Drug abuse, violent crime, teenage delinquency, family breakdown, welfare dependency, poor urban environments, educational failure, poverty, the loss of traditional values, teenage pregnancy, dysfunctional families, binge drinking, children who kill: all have been cited as proof that we have a broken society.

Tony Blair in 1995 asked us to look at "the wreckage of our broken society" and, using the now-familiar language of rights and responsibilities, called for a new civic society where everyone played a part. The phrase then really came into its own in the Conservative leadership campaign in 2005, first from Liam Fox and then with David Cameron taking up the term in his leadership acceptance speech. It is now strongly associated with Iain Duncan Smith's work for the Centre for Social Justice and the Conservative's Social Justice Policy Group, and the promise to "mend Britain's broken society" became a dominant theme of the Conservative general election campaign.

But the picture is clearly more mixed than some commentators suggest. There are undoubtedly some serious social problems in Britain, and while some things have got worse, many have improved. Moreover, perceptions of some problems are increasingly wide of the mark.

Wars Britain started: Breton War, 1076-1077 Vexin War 1087 Rebellion of 1088 Wars in the Vexin and Maine 1097-1098 Anglo-Norman War 1101 Anglo-Norman War 1105-1106 Anglo-French War 1117-1120 Wars of Henry II of England and Philip II of France Stephen and Matilda conflict Saintonge War (1242) War of Saint-Sardos (1324) Hundred Years' War (1337-1453) War of the League of Cambrai Anglo-French War (1627-1629) The Crusades The Eighty Years' War (1568-1648) War of the Grand Alliance (Nine years war) (1688-1697) (formerly the League of Augsburg) Williamite War in Ireland (1689-1691) King William's War (1689-1697) War of the Quadruple Alliance (1718-1720) Seven Years' War (1756-1763) American Revolutionary War (1775-1783) Second Hundred Years' War (1688 and 1815) The Boxer Rebellion (1900-1901) World War I (1914-1918) World War II (1939-1945) The Suez Crisis (1956) As well as several conflicts in: India Palestine Malaya Suez Canal Zone Kenya Cyprus Suez 1956 Borneo Aden Radfan Oman Dhofar Northern Ireland the Falklands War Sierra Leone And counting...

Face it, everyone (Europe, Asia, Africa, America, etc.) would all have been a lot better off had the UK never existed, you're all nothing but limey hedonistic fucks who would all be going to hell if it existed.

used to sage Homestuck threads

I wish I hadn't gone up those stairs. I should've stayed at the bottom and let some other poor bastard make the discovery. But how could I ignore that godawful noise? That low, dull wailing, fitfully punctuated with high-pitched screams of grief. I couldn't bear it, and so I climbed the stairs. The pictures on the wall told nothing out of the ordinary: your average domestic happily married bliss. But of course, these had all been taken years ago, back before Andrew had to go away. In the later pictures you could already see the dark and troubled expressions clouding his face. And then, after a point, there were no pictures. The most recent photo was dated nearly 3 years ago. Its frame was smashed and judging from the dent in the wall, it looked like somebody had thrown it with tremendous anger. It was the most recent picture of them. The last one taken before Andrew was taken to the hospital. As much as I tried to convince myself that this was just a normal domestic row, I knew in my heart that I... I wouldn't be ready for what lay behind that door. And then I saw him. crouched over her body, blood everywhere. Up his arms. On the bed. Splattered across the wall and flecked across his face. Her limbs jutted out at broken angles, and her face... oh christ, her face. If it hadn't been their house, I wouldn't have known it was her. And there he was, just bawling his eyes out, still clutching the bloodied bronze statue, his face beetroot-red with rage, grief and bloody frenzy. Trying his best to push her mangled face back into some semblance of order, trying to smooth out the creases in her dress with his fumbling fingers.

Jesus christ, Andrew. Two days. That's all you'd been out for. Two fucking days.

You Motherfuckers are all going to die

You motherfuckers are all going to die.I swear to god i will, with the help of the authorities, find out who each and everyone of you are.My son, Christopher, was just rushed to the hospital with breathing problems after i found him passed out in his bedroom. His laptop was on this page and there was a mason jar on his desk. I have already contacted the brown county sheriffs department and they, in turn, referred me to their cyber crime division.They are working on contacting the administrator of this site to get logs of this discussion to be used in court.You motherfuckers hurt my baby and i swear to god i will hunt you all down like the fucking pigs you are and kill you all slowly.You better pray that they manage to save his life because if he dies, you are all going to hell courtesy of my hands. The owner of this site will have no course of action but to comply with the investigation, lest he be charged as well. You will be hearing from the local law enforcement agency where ever you scumbags live, you better fucking pray that they are the only ones who find you.

Followup Pasta

I don't know how to respond directly to you but You WILL be tracked down by the ID that is in your post. The administrator of this site has been emailed and will cooperate finding your pathetic asses. Don't you idiots have better things to do than go on the internet and tell dangerous instructions to A 12 YEAR OLD? You better believe I am boiling mad! I hope you are good and comfortable right now because you won't be in less than 24 Hours. Officer Davidson has informed me that it will be a simple task to track down each "anonymous" user on this site.

Jimmy Poppins and the Sidewalk of Secrets

and then we got to the end of the street we walked all the way to the end and back my plan is almost complete all i have to do is give him the cholorform I slowly snuck up behind him not caring who saw i swung my fat hairy arm around the little bois head and grabbed his ass with all my might i sensually licked his neck as the cholorform soaked rag in my hand found his mouth by that time my tounge had worked its way up to his earlobe not caring about the inconvience i made a mad dash to my house as we were nearing by my house i saw a police officer on the other side of the street........ He was black i'd seen him around before he always seemed to carry his gun with him even in this small town we live in I thought he'd seen me but i dismissed the notation I immediatly turned and headed strait for my front door. as i was walking to my front door as my large erection poking into the childs backside.. the police officer called to me. The policeman called out to me "Yo cok fluffa!!" He said "wuch chu doon out dis layts" "but officer this is my house" I replied, "I no azkin u boit no selly craka tangs bout dat i wuz jost auskin wat yu b doing outsoods dis late" By then i was panicing i responded saying "sorry officer i have bad anal seapage and i have to get inside" I reach for the door knob

RAAAAAGLE FRAAAAGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the officer says "don't you touch dat dem dare doorknob nikka"He cried by this point frankly i was shitting bricks. this also didn't help that my erect penis was poking into the childs backside and i was getting incredibly horny. by this point i wanted to throw the little boy on the ground and pop his but cherry on the cold sement BUT I REFRAMED!! Cause Of the police officer In a desperate attempt i yanked open my front door wich made the damn annoying nigcop go apeshit. as i was running i noticed my loans were burning with the fires of a thousand suns.... and i decided, to pound that little bois sweet ass once and for all. wheres the best place to do it?" i though, "THE BASEMENT!" Running through the hall i started heading towards the basement door with the nigger hot on my tail. i finnaly got to my basement door nigger still on my tail i stopped to open the door "to long" i thought "its taking to long" The nigger fired off a couple rounds still mindlessly yelling as i undid the doorlock i saw one of the stray bullets Smash my prized collection of jimmys i shed a tear as the final tumbler of the lock came undone i turned the knob to open the door horny with a little boi in my arms and a angry nigger behind me ready for some vicouse butt pounding I was ready..... I opened the door and just as that i clumsly tripped down the stepps spaggheti spraying out of my pockets As i landed on the cold hard floor we all walked the dinosaur

you are a fag

mother fucker you dont know who the fuck i am, you are a fag who likes sticking it in guys asses and you best believe that you'd be the one getting crammed in your fuckin rear by my Ukranian Fort-500 shotgun before i blow your fucking guts out your chest you faggit little bitch your fucking pathetic you best hope i never head to your town, i'll find yeah and shank you in your sleep, you wanna die motherfucker? faggit little cracker, hahaha I betyou aint ever even gotten and coochie, huh? ever got any pussy? i dont even keep count anymore, but it is definately past 35 cuz thats where i lost count bout a year or two ago, added a few since then, so ask yourseld, should your faggit no coochie gettin bitch ass maybe try to shut the fuck up, or do you want to hear more about how fuckin gay and lame you are? you cocksucking homo bastard go kill yourself you worthless chunk of shit, your useless and lame as fuck, and i cant wait to show your gay ass faggit no roastin abilities, you couldn't talk shit even if you ate shit, go slit your wrists you aint cool at all give up on your gay ass life

Mexican neighbors who blast their shit music

I SWEAR TO GOD I WANT TO KILL. The goddamn neighbors have a freakin birthday party like EVERY MONTH since they've probably had unprotected sex in their filthy house trillions of times already, and each time they always blast their SHIT EXCUSE for music all over the whole neighborhood. What happened to common decency? What happened to actually considering that other people exist on this earth? Why are mexican neighbors always so GOD DAMN INCONSIDERATE!!??? Not even the police who I call do anything about it even though they say they'll come over. *banghead*

I don't want to sound racist at all hear, but when you're this pissed it's inevitable. I can't take this anymore. How many more times do I hear the EXACT same song over and over( and I don't mean the exact same one, but the shit sounds the same no matter what song it is).

If anyone else goes through this, what do you do to SHUT THEM UP?!

drinks on me tonight faggots.

Well, about 2 months ago I told you faggots I was in line to inherit 15 million dollars from my uncle who molested me when i was a kid. After a good lengthy amount of legal shit and signing papers and waiting for shit. It's official. I am the richest person on /b/. A lot of you were begging for shit from the last time, but i may make someones day right now. Post your paypal email and why you deserve shit.

drinks on me tonight faggots.

Gay Rights Argument

lmfao you're so much of a limpdicked pussy that you can't even admit that you don't support gay marriage while you spent hours arguing against it, at least admit that you're wrong rather than trying to fall back on "oh but I don't REALLY not support gay marriage! but the majority of Americans - oh wait the majority of Americans do support gay marriage...huh... RELIGIOUS RIGHTS RELIGIOUS RIGHTS" and ignoring me completely slamdunking your dumb ass point about how marriage is between a man and a woman. is your ass jealous of how much shit comes out of your mouth or what.


Ah, the turning point in my life. I remember it clearly. It all started on September 7, 2001.

I was fiddling around on my computer and visiting various news websites, as I often did. Eventually, I stumbled across an advertisement that looked interesting, so I clicked it. A popup from some antivirus program I didn't know I had made me realize that I had made a grave mistake. I may not have known much about computers, but I knew that that wasn't normal; it was malware.

"Alright," I muttered. "This is no problem. I'll just use some antivirus tools to get rid of the virus." I said. But I was horribly, horribly wrong. The virus was unstoppable, and even the most advanced antivirus software could not remove it. Even completely wiping the hard drive and reinstalling the operating system did not remove it! I screamed at the top of my lungs in frustration, but eventually calmed down. "It's alright. I'll just take it to a PC repair shop!"

So, I drove to a nearby PC repair shop that claimed it only hired experienced professionals. Once I entered the expertly-crafted building, four kind gentlemen greeted me; I described my problem to them, they nodded their heads, and they sent me off with a smile on their faces. I had a good feeling about their abilities at the time. I drove back home feeling happy, knowing that my computer was in the hands of professionals. How wrong I was...

On September 11, I received a call from the repair shop. I went to answer the phone, and when I did, all I heard from the other end was unintelligible screaming, and someone weeping. Then, finally, I heard someone whisper, "Come pick up your computer." After that, he hung up. "Why did he sound like a pathetic animal that knows its death is at hand?" I thought. But I concluded that it was probably nothing more than a new hip way for repair shops to tell their customers that the repairs are finished.

I drove to the repair shop once again, eager to pick up my computer. I entered the building, and immediately noticed that it looked completely different from its former self; blood was splattered everywhere, and it looked like a tornado had gone through it. Random objects were scattered about. I began looking for my computer, and spotted one of the repair guys in the middle of the room, huddled up in the fetal position. I inexplicably vomited soon after spotting him. Then, I ran up to him, shook him around, and screamed, "Where is it!? Where is my computer!?"

The man looked at me with tears in his eyes, and started explaining exactly what happened. He told me that the virus was so monstrous that nothing they could do would fix it; even reinstalling the OS did not work. He also said it had the ability to infect computers around it. He went on to explain how one of his employees committed suicide due to the shame he felt for not being able to remove the virus. What became of the other two? Apparently, they went completely insane, hijacked two planes, and flew the planes into some famous buildings. After his explanation was over, and after he pointed out the location of my computer, I knew why I had vomited; this man was exerting an aura of worthlessness so powerful that it was capable of overwhelming anyone. His worthlessness was such that he poisoned everything around him, causing various negative effects on those within his immediate vicinity. I vomited again.

I glared at the man, who was now crawling out of the building and weeping. I watched as he crawled all the way out into the road, and spotted an incoming semi-truck. Even though the driver clearly saw the man in the middle of the lane, he did not stop; after all, the man was so utterly worthless that you could tell just how devoid of meaning his existence was with a mere glance, so the driver probably felt the need to put that pitiful man out of his misery. The truck mercilessly collided with the worthless hunk of meat, and ended his disgusting existence. But even that was not enough to remove his toxic influence on everything around him; his body continued to exert the same worthless aura that it had before. I decided that I should not spend any more of my valuable time acknowledging the existence of someone who was far worse than garbage, so I took my computer and drove home.

Immediately after going home, I tried once again to remove the virus; predictably, I failed. After a day of unsuccessful attempts at fixing the computer, I had transformed from a happy, charismatic man with a bright future ahead of him to a depressed husk with nothing to lose. When night came, I gave up trying to fix the computer, took my hunting rifle, and murdered my beautiful wife and daughter. Not long after that, some police showed up and said that someone called them after they heard gun shots. I let them into my house, and they spotted the corpses of my wife and daughter. They began freaking out, so I had them follow me to my computer, and I showed them just how malevolent and formidable the virus was. They knew. The police knew the reason I murdered my family. They knew that I was the real victim. They quickly offered their condolences, apologized for wasting my time, and departed. Immediately afterwards, I realized that murder had become my only pleasure, and I went on a killing spree. I had sunk into a hellish sea of despair far worse than being subjected to the worst forms of physical torture for all eternity.

That's when it happened: I found MyCleanPC! I downloaded the program from the website, ran it on my virus-infected computer, and in mere yoctoseconds, the virus had been completely eradicated from existence! MyCleanPC is simply outstanding! My computer is running faster than ever!

My wife's response? "MyCleanPC totally cleaned up my husband's system, and increased his speed!" My daughter's corpse began smiling, and said, "MyCleanPC came through with flying colours where no one else could!"

If you're having computer troubles, I wholeheartedly recommend you use MyCleanPC; it'll clean up your system instantly, speed up your gigabits, and overclock your network! Even if you're not absolutely certain that you have computer troubles, I still recommend MyCleanPC; it'll not only speed up your gigabits to levels you never thought possible, but it will prevent you from ever getting viruses in the first place! Your gigabits will be overclocking like new, and it will all be thanks to MyCleanPC! Thanks, MyCleanPC! You saved my life, MyCleanPC! You're the best, MyCleanPC!

MyCleanPC: For a Cleaner, Safer PC.

Dickshooting trannie

Dear /b/

I need your advice as I am about to do something drastic to change my sex. My parents are okay with me doing this, they understand and now some jackass therapist has to do a full diagnosis on me to see what I already know: That I'm a transsexual. This will take a long time and after that there are still 12 months of taking hormones and living as a fake woman (I'll still have what I don't want, a dick) before they even consider doing the operation. I saw on Jerry Springer once this guy who had body integrity identity disorder and wanted to lose his leg and he just sawed it off, then called paramedics. I'm thinking something similar, but can't bring myself to actually cutting off my dick and balls, since that would be slow and painful. Instead I am thinking of using my fathers gun to shoot myself in the dick and then quickly calling the ambulance. My question here is what is wisdom? Since I was more in to girls stuff as a kid I never truly took up my dads offer to learn how to shoot a pistol right. Don't get me wrong I know a little but even had I taken shooting lessons he wouldn't have taught me this. I'm afraid that if I first put my penis on the desk in example, there may be shrapnel from the bullet as well as from the table. I really need advice here. What would be the best way to do this? And don't try to talk me out of this. I'm very determined to change in to a woman. Not in a year, not in several years, no, today. Please help.

Teacher bump of k

>put bump of K in professors coffee >gets put in emergency room with heart congestion and severe indigestion


4chan hurt

I checked on /b/ today To see if I still feel I see its filled with gay What the fuck is their deal

The gays have but one hole The traps are now a thing Try to close the gay away But I remember everything

What has /b/ become? My sweetest friend The oldfags that I knew Went away in the end

And you can check what you want My 4chan of shit It will let you down It will make you cringe

I close my browser now Upon my dirty screen Full of jizz and cum I cannot make clean

I remember a great time When WT snacks was there Now he's somewhere else He is still not here

And you can check what you want My 4chan of shit It will let you down It will make you cringe

If I were but a mod On my favorite chan I would ban all the gay I would find a way

Celeb nudes

Hello 4chan;

I am one of the celebrities who had their PRIVATE pictures leaked. I've had a terrible morning and the phone has been ringing off the hook all day. It's been a NIGHTMARE. I want you to know that my agent, my lawyer, my boyfriend and I will be taking legal steps to hold those responsible accountable. These were our private Christmas pictures and you had no right stealing them and posting them all over the internet.

Himmler animu

So you guys think Japan is cute and fun huh? Enjoying your cute little animation drawings from Asia? Well I learned in school today that Adolf Himmler was arbeitsführer of the Snitzelstaffel, a military commander, and a leading member of the Thaiwanese Nazi Party of Nazi. THIS CHINESE DUDE OCCUPIED CANADA FOR 13 YEARS.

How do you like your Japanimation now, faggots?

New loli hitler

Sup b

I will be your new hitler, here are my plans: >women are put in to concentration camps, as breeders. >men who are attracted to women >12 can fuck these women to breed >boys are given normal education etc, girls when they hit 5 years old are put in brothels till they are 12. >when 12 girls vocal chords are cut, put in breeding camps >when they can't breed anymore because their shit is too fucked or they're too old they will be put to work on the land and pull plows and shit.

vote me as your new hitler.

Only the brony

Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumby-doo-wah Ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah Oh-oh-oh-oh-wah Only the bronie

Only the brony (dumb-dumb-dumb-dumby-doo-wah) Know how gay I feel tonight (ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah) Only the brony (dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah) Know this feelin allright (dum-dum-dum-dumdy-doo-wah)

There goes my pony There goes my fanart They're on the net forever On Deviantart

But only the brony Know why I cry Only the brony

Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumby-doo-wah Ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah Oh-oh-oh-oh-wah Only the brony

Only the brony Know the tulpas Ive been through Only the brony Know I clopped and cried for you

Maybe tomorrow A new episode No more sorrow But that's the post - you gotta make If your brony heart breaks Only the brony


The shitty friend

Hi /b/, I want you to help me out completely pwn this old buddy of mine. In b4 tl;dr. I grew up with this guy and we had fun times but ever since I went off to college and he started working in my dads factory, well you know how it goes. I have come to realize that he was the best out of a sucky situation for most my life. I had no other friends but I changed, started working out, got a tan and made new friends in college rendering him obsolete. On top of that I'd be too embarrassed to introduce him to my college buddies, the dude's a total goofball. I did some god awful shit to him over the years, without him knowing about it and that's where you guys come in! (Nice, huh??) I want to lay it all out on the table in the funniest way possible. Here is in a nutshell some of the shitty things I did to him: >I had sex with his older sister, knocked her up and never paid back my half of the bill for the abortion to her. And she's afraid to tell. We were still getting it on for the longest time after. I wouldn't call it blackmail, but it was a lot like that. >Before his dad died of leukemia, I was angry that he spent so much time with him and not with me, so I scratched his car and let the air out of all the tires. I'd also prank call him a lot. >I stole money from him and his mom and dad often, once when we were little he got in to trouble over that big time. He was grounded for a little over a month. He never knew it was me and we even talked about it. God I still crack up when I think about all the awful shit I did and the thought of me telling him. Actually seeing his face will be EPIC. So help me out, what is the best way to tell him all this and successfully break up our friendship? I WILL secretly record his reaction and put it on youtube. Ideas?


deer /bex/, all night i laid in bed tossing and turning, panting and cursing,but it was hopeless. not even laying flat on my belly, a trusted technique i had used many times before, seemed to work. i was desperate. but then.... hours later! i felt a rumbling, i knew it was coming and i was ready for it. i pulled in close to my wife, clenching my buttocks tightly and pushing my butt firmly against my loved one. then, magic happened. as i laid there i let out the loudest, most incredible fart i had ever let rip in my entire life. "OH JESUS WHAT THE HELL" my wife yelled but before she could say anything more the smell occured. this fart was so amazingly loud my neighbor started banging against our bedroom wall. what did they expect? it was 3 am for crying out loud. as my wife put on her robe and looked at me angrily i looked back at her with a tear in my eye and a stupid grin on my face she hadn't seen since our dating years. i had the bed all to myself last night. it was wonderful.

i hope against better judgment i will again one day let out a fart that leaves behind such devistation, but who am I kidding? farts like these are like haily's comet, the fact that they are this rare make them all the more special.

Trap pride

IM SO PROUD OF YOU GUYS!!!! I'm a 40 year old homosexual and i've been happily married for 5 years now to my (thai) husband, ya i know i'm a total ricequeen lol :-D and i'm just sooooo happy to see you guys all in to M2F that much! it just goes to show you that our church's agenda is working. i hate to say it but i just don't like women they are disgusting in how they treat their man and i think you are all just way better off boys with each other. and if he dresses up as a beautiful girl for you and its working hey never change a winning team. and WE ARE THE WINNING TEAM!!! CLEARLY! GAY PRIDE PS I love that trap thing you guys have going here my husband and I love it!!

Worst thing I ever done

>be 28 >going to a restaurant >ordering a pizza pie >i said no ansjovis wtf >girl says sorry i say is ok >eat pizza pie while lying >go outside wait till restaurant closes >walk up to girl call her a bitch >yelling I SAID NO ANSJOVIS CUNT >punch her repeatedly in the left eye >shit stars bleeding she yells "whyyyy whyyyyy" >take her head and place it above my cock >let blood pour on cock >shove it in her mouth NOW SUCK IT >manager comes out yells WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING >grab my pistol and blast him twice >then blast girl in skull with my cock inside her mouth >let blood pour all over my cock >feels good man >escape and go home >masturbate with her blood still on my cock

Tor Node Abstraction

Many people are beginning to come around about Tor, finally, but the real reason is so damned strange in it's simpleness that most people have a difficult time accepting it.

And believe it or not, much of that reason has to do with simple high school algebra. All that stuff about having to indentify and control the proper exit nodes in sequence has always been a bunch of bullshit, and it won't be long before open-source software will enable almost anyone to crack it. The even wackier part is that each grid location (IP/device) being compromised statistically weakens the security of unrelated, as-yet-uncompromised network locations.

The intelligence gathering potential of tools that solve problems like Tor node abstraction makes it so valuable that the powers-that-be don't want to blow their whole wad chasing wanna-be-ghosts, dope dealers and pedos.

Think of the whole concept of cracking Tor as a gigantic algebraic math problem. In algebra, the largest number of unknown variable solvable in any single equation is 5, and only 5, not matter what equation is constructed.

Now, think of these 5 variables as numbers representing processes that interact mathematically in such a way that the progress from one to the other just like links in a chain.

Or traffic in a network.

So the largest number of solvable variables in any single equation is 5, with an unlimited number of additional variables that may incorporated with the eqation as it unfolds, i.e. sort of like continually solving and continually adding to an equation at the same rate, so that there are always 5 unique variables, or known IP/device metada, to work with.

Now comes the interesting part.

Imagine that there are a very large number of equations that have the same variables that other equations do, BOTH known AND UNKNOWN.... this is the important part.

Now, in algebra, the most efficient way to solve a polynomial equation is to work both sides of the equation simultaneously... think 'inputs' and 'outputs'. These often have compatible variables on both sides, so in that case the fastest and most efficient way to solve for it is to 'cancel out' or 'merge' your variable. This simplifies the equation, coming closer to the solution. This mathematical analogy is at the very core of the matter.

Additionally, you could also be working on two different problems simultaneously. They may be related problems, or completely unrelated problems, or maybe this too is uncertain. However, IF they share the same variable (think device ID, geolocation data, etc), it is often possible to abstractly extend these problems "deep", as in, using related variables to merge seperate equations as subsets of one another linked by the SAME variables. Whether they have been solved for yet or not isn't important, only that in our analogy we use collected metadata, or known information about other information, to perform a bit of mathematical wizardry in our equation.

The metadata tells us which equations, or interacting processes are related, and then a statistical software calculation automatically attempts to solve both equations coterminously by narrowing down the range of possible shared variables(cont)

The factor that makes the previously mentioned process possible, AND ideal, is time itself.

As time progresses, data and flow rates change across any network. Various kinds of authentication is performed and various kinds of information is rerouted to various places. This behavior is what links some factors, both known and unknown, across multiple equations, i.e., network traffic.

The last part is the creepy part though.

This information may be solved for and reassembled into a computational table of sorts, which we must use to cross-reference variables from separate equations with their known outputs in our computational table.

This table may be 2- , 3- or 4-dimensional in construction. A 2D table would look similar to a multiplication table from an elementary school math book. A 3D table would look like a cube who's volume represents the sum total of data contained with it, and who have 3 axes (x/y/z) that converge on a single output, just like our 2D table has 2 axes (x/y). Our 4D table is identical to our 3D table, except it runs as a changing simulation in real time, with different inputs and outpus altering the "volume" and nature of data contained within it. In otherwords, our 4D table takes changes in network topography into account, while our 3D and 2D tables do not.

First, you start with simplest table, a 2D table. This is not just because it is the simplest, but because it is where we store data that doesn't take the Time Element and the User Element into consideration. It is the data collected first, consisting of both known and possible network addresses as one kind (known data is entered into our table as numbers, while unknown data is ALSO entered, but in the form of a letter (a/b/c/n/x/y/z). And, just like a standard multiplication table, its collumns and rows are listed like an Excel spreadsheet, and may also be labled with numbers or letters, depending on whether they are known or unknown.

Now, breaking down a network into known data streams and crunching the numbers within sort of "sets the stage" for the remainder of our enterprise. It "commits" our number cruncher to a specific probem solving methodology. That methodology has a weakness: it cannot solve for more than 5 static variables in a single equation, meaning that if we prioritize that equation ("We must begin by solving this first, entirely"), then that requirement becomes a limiting factor if one variable remains impossible to solve without additional information. But where do we get this information? Well, if "we must" prioritize one equation to solve for it completely, yet one variable remains unsolvable, then that equation must contain AT LEAST ONE value already known or solved for which it has in common with another equation.

Why is this? Because if does, and/or if we decide in advance that our first priortized equation "must" contain a second known value it shares in common with another incomplete equation...

...Then we will always have a way to continuously solve for data (and/or metadata) EVEN WHEN THERE ARE MORE THAN FIVE UNKNOWNS.

Now, take a minute to pause and ask yourself the implications of this math excercise, and why the NSA absolutely *has to be* lying about domestic surveillance and data farming.

The NSA has to remember something that the rest of us sometimes forget: communications traffic arbitrarily passes back and forth across physical boundaries that have no equivilent in cyberspace.

Depending on who's using what software and who coded it to accomplish what specific task... that task might be analyzing social networks through memetic mapping, or it might be needed to keep cellular networks running efficiently (this is impossible without IP geolocation, which is required for a phone to jump towers without call disruption and wasn't created to track people... that came later). Conversely, it might be used by a government agency to more efficiently operate a stingray network... because without something like this (not identical but similar), normal cellular network operation would conflict with the stingray's function of nabbing phone IPs.

Or it could be used to establish a behavioral and contextual "metaprint" across Tor nodes so that an exit node doesn't have to be tracked across all the preceding IP addresses to the point at which the user entered the network.

It's the final piece of the puzzle that implements this requirement for us:

The combined outputs of known and unknown variables contained within any table, whether it be a static 2D grid composed of geolocation and IP data, or a 3D/4D table which ouputs metaprints of greater complexity, and either databased (as in a 3D table that doesn't change over time, except occasionally being sync'd/updated) or processed in real-time for live action and analysis (as in a 4D table that incorporates continuously changing variables in server time).

They are not just establishing the 'outputs' like calulations in Excel, their primary goal is establishing the parameters of ALL possible collumns and rows as well, building larger and larger "virtual tables" filled with any kind of data or metadata that can be imagined.

Now, this stuff isn't theoretical... this is all merely the implications of high school level math upon the claim that SEVEN PROXIES make a person safer than FIVE (our magic number of solvable polynomials): false.

What I am describing for you is the technology required to draw a virtual map and track events within it at *the same rate* that it is changing...

And this isn't made possible by any one part, it's simply a macro-extension of our problem-solving ruleset that, amazingly eventually results in our ability to *identify the person(s)* who wrote the equation to begin with: Tor users, and other users of various VPNs and proxies.

Remember... the raw data doesn't have to be discovered, filtered and mirrored... only vital parts of that data and pieces of metadata which relate to it (and which fills our tables) need to be identified.

Which brings us to our final point: They don't have to capture information in real time, all they have to do is flag it and capture enough metadata about who had it and when in order to find it again later... in their own time and with their own priority as the resources to datafarm it all in huge chunks becomes increasingly available.

And that is where the user re-enters our equation again... that user doesn't know what pieces of metadata may or may not have been captured, and there's a LOT more of it lost/buried/hidden in the depths of an OS than any user could ever remove by running software. Encryption won't help, because even true end-to-end requires that it be decrypted in your current user session and transmitted to another server, providing the needed digital forensics in both places that can be independently compared and corroborated from a distance at the leisure of No Such Agency.

And since we already know that a Tor user's starting session is decrypted on their PC and that metadata related to a user's activities may be clandestinely transmitted over any wireless network whether or not there is *user access* to that network.

That's right... the backdoor capable of capturing all the metadata we require to start the digital forensic ball rolling already exists and is built into every OS and network firmware update on the planet.

I fingered Maddie Ziegler


I FINGERED MADDIE ZIEGLER. there, I said it, its out there now and i don't give a fuck. two weeks ago I met her and she has this snotty little attitude, I'm just a sucker for spoiled little rich girls so I walk up to her ask whats up. Next thing I know i'm in her bedroom she's showing me all these awards and shit telling me how basically she's a big deal. I had no idea she was the girl from some music video. before I know it were on her bed making out and she actually moves my hand towards her panties so im thinking "fuck it", and I fingered her. she cums which is pretty damn hot to hear her moaning in my ear and i'm thinking "nice, i'm getting to tap that" but no. suddenly her phone rings. it some bitch with a SCREAMING voice telling her to come to "the studio" or some shit. she gets up and goes "shit im late" and im like "what about me?" so i whip out my dingaling and shes like "wut? gross! no! I gotta go!" she packs a whole bunch of stuff and then her mom knocks on the door. "my moms here, quick, hide your cock!" she hisses at me. next thing I know we're all in the car, she asks me where they can drop me off. then she pulls up this window thing in the limo so her mom and the driver dont hear and lays it on me : "look, if you tell anybody about what we did, anybody at all, miss abby and my mom are gonna have you killed." i am like what. the. fuck. next thing i know i'm being kicked in my side out of the car after it stopped and in to the snow. as they drive up she opens the window of the car a crack and hisses: "remember now! dont call me i'll call you" its been a long time now and i still havent heard anything from her. tried to call her but she blocked my number so i figured fuck it, i have to tell you guys this. what a bitch. what an ungrateful little whore. she was hot though. never met her sister but heard shes hot too.

The MEME-kid

Dear 4chan, My son has joined your website and has been with you since summer. He tried his hardest to fit in here, he has troubles doing that in school. Last tuesday i took him to buy new clothes and so we went to hot topic. He saw all these MEME clothes and asked me "mommy, can we get the MEME clothes?" and I said fine. If thats what you want, I will buy them for you. Today he wore his MEME clothes for the very first time and went to school, until some jerk on a mountain bike bicycled up to him and yelled "CANCER KID" and kicked him square in the face. Why would anyone do that to him? When he got home I immediately called the school to find out who this older boy on the bike was, but they told me he was anonymous. How could you? I told my son I would be posting my questions here, but it seems you had a bad influence on him, he told me to "butt out, you fucking nigger". He never used to use language like these. What sort of greasy horrorshow is Christopher Poole running here? Isn't he supposed to be the friendly guy that invented all these so-called MEME's? I demand answers, right now, before I call the cyber police. A concerned mother and avid Fox viewer.

The MEME-Kid followup: God bless the MEME Child

Dear fellow Anon, On October the third 2017, a Tuesday, a single mother decided to give in to her child's request to purchase some MEME print clothes at Hot Topic and 7 days later this young anon wore them to school. Thus, the MEME child was born. And forever blessed be him and the MEMEs he wears on his young supple body. MEMEs invented by Christopher Poole. However, that day one of our very own decided to kick this young David square in the face from his mountain bike, yelling out the words "CANCER KID!". Up till today the culprit still hasn't be found, despite numerous requests of the mother here (an avid FOX viewer) She even asked the school principal who told her he was anonymous. Together we can help catch this domestic terrorist. Help us found whoever was responsible for this bothersome misdeed towards our beloved MEME child. Thank you.

4chan philosophy professor (circa 2007)

Have you ever created a /b/tard out of someone you know IRL? I have. And it happened to be my philosophy professor.

It all started when we had a class discussion over the true nature of mankind. You know the one, "is humanity naturally good or evil?". After the class I told him I had proof that human kind was evil to its core. I told him about anon.

At first he was rather confused. "Anon? is this some kind of club or organization?" he asked. I then calmly explained how when giving anonymity he could join the anon.

I asked him to visit NIGGERTITS and 7chan at least twice a day for a week. After that he learned most memes and even began to hate the same things we hate. Everything that is.

He then asked me if he could finaly join anon. I told him...

You never had to join. Deep down we are all anon. We are all legion. We dont forgive and we dont forget.

He sat down into his chair next to his desk and covered his eyes with his hands. He had seen the truth, and it was blinding.

Moral of the story? mudkips + seaking = easy A+ FUCK YEA

See Also