Copypasta/Archive 4

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Archive 4

Party Van Visits Bel-Air

In west pedophilia born and raised
On the playground was where I spent most of my days
Chilling out, fapping, and posting CP
And all flaming some camwhores for they faggotry
When a couple of mods who were up to no good
Started partyvanning in my neighborhood
I got one little ban and my mom derailed
And said "I'm gonna call Chris Hansen and send your ass to jail."


Use this for instant shitstorms on /b/

Month One: Mommy, I am only 8 inches long, but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. Every time I hear it, I wave my arms and legs. The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two: Mommy, today I learned how to suck my thumb. If you could see me, you could definitely tell that I am a baby. I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though. It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three: You know what Mommy, I'm a girl!! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too, and I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Month Four: Mommy, my hair is starting to grow. It is very short and fine, but I will have a lot of it. I spend a lot of my time exercising. I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes, and stretch my arms and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five: You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied to you. He said that I'm not a baby. I am a baby Mommy, your baby. I think and feel. Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six: I can hear that doctor again. I don't like him. He seems cold and heartless. Something is intruding my home. The doctor called it a needle. Mommy what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can't get away from it! Mommy!! HELP me!! No...

Month Seven: Mommy, I am okay. I am in Jesus' arms. He is holding me. He told me about abortion. Why didn't you want me Mommy? We would have been so happy together.

The starcraft version

Day 1

Overmind, I am only 8 feet long, but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your drones. Every time I hear them, I wave my claws and legs. The sound of the hatchery's heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Day 2

Overmind, today I learned how to slash my claws. If you could see me, you could definitely tell that I am a Zerg. I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though. It is so nice and warm in here.

Day 3

You know what Overmind, I'm a Zergling!! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too, and I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Day 4

Overmind, my scales are starting to grow. they are short and fine, but I will have a lot of them. I spend a lot of my time exercising. I can turn my head and curl my blades, and stretch my claws and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too.

Day 5

You intercepted a transmission from Tarsonis today. Overmind, they lied to you. They said that I'm not a Zergling. I am a Zergling, Overmind, your Zergling. I think and feel. Overmind, what's extermination?

Day 6

I can hear that marine again. I don't like him. He seems cold and heartless. Something is intruding my home. The marine called it a gauss rifle. Overmind what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can't get away from it! Overmind!! HELP me!! No . . .

Day 7

Overmind, I am okay. I still managed to hatch and my brothers and sisters rushed their base. Ke ke ke ke!

Goodbye /b/

So long, peeps.

My monthly check-up-on-/b/-to-see-if-it-stopped-sucking visit is coming to an end, and as before, I shouldn't have bothered. It's even called "Random" now, for sanitary purposes.

If you're here now and you think Random is funny, you might be right. Perhaps it is funny, but it is but walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, compared to the old /b/.

What you are seeing today is just an endless looping rehash of the fun we had. If you think it's funny now, try to imagine the fun we had when it was fresh, and people had the time to shop, improve and alter a birthing meme. It was a time of creativity, good quality trolling and the occasional SCIENCE discussion. Good times.

Feeling like Milton's Satan reminiscing about the splendor of heaven where he once dwelt, comparing everything to that glory now lost and unable to see his surroundings for what they are, but only what they are in comparison, I bid you adieu. See you next month, and keep on trying.

Obviously, I will stick around for the remainder of this thread. If you remember the old ways as well but are stuck in here because the internets are basically pretty empty, bland, and boring outside of /b/, feel free to drop in and describe your pet theory about where and when /b/ went wrong.

Porn Baleeted

b/, I have deleted all of my porn. I have deleted a collection of pictures and videos that I built over the course of months. Holy grails that I scoured the web for, and at one time considered priceless; videos that I never even watched, but rather downloaded as part of a mass porn gathering streak. I deleted files that /r/ delivered, and countless nudes found right here on /b/. I deleted pictures that camwhores uploaded, doing things that I told them to do.

Folders that I took the time to organize were indiscriminately sent to the recycle bin. Untold days worth of searching, downloading and organizing were undone in a matter of minutes, and on the spur of the moment.

It's not something that I contemplated, it was not premeditated or debated in my head. I didn't do it out of fear of discovery, or out of some spark of morality. I'm not actually sure of exactly why I did it. But I must say, after it was all done, I had a brief moment of satisfaction. I'm not going to stop looking at porn; certainly I am not going to stop gratifying myself. But there was something curiously pleasing in destroying my porn collection. I think it's because with all the chaos and uncertainty in my life, this is one thing I had control over. I took control of it, I destroyed my porn collection and I have no regrets.

VTec Outrage

I know most of you likely will not read this because most don't have any interest in these things (you really should), but these are important issues that I feel need to be more out there.

We all by now know about the gruesome Virginia Tech shootings that took place, and I can't even stress enough how horrible it was. So far, Bush has no plans of doing anything about the current gun laws. The student that committed this heinous act against those innocent people was very mentally disturbed. He was in a hospital just two days prior to the shootings. He walked into a gun store, purchased two guns and over 50 rounds of bullets, and no one asked any questions. Does this make sense? Apparently, you can buy gun sas long as you haven't committed a felony. But mental illnesses are okay? There needs to be more serious background checks on people. If something more was done after Columbine, because we all know nothing was, this may have never happened. 32 people just died, and other 20 some others are injured. 32 families are torn and burying their children, relatives, friends. Imagine for a second how that must feel. What is it going to take? By the way, there were TWO GODDAMN HOURS between each killing spree. The police had plenty of time to shoot the killer down or make an arrest. The ones running the country are saying they're deeply saddened by this tragic event. Well, that's what was said the last time this happened, and what did they do? Absolutely nothing.


It was a typical morning in the Gadget household. Brain was outside doing his business, and Penny was sitting at the table pouring herself a glass of orange juice, and Gadget was making pancakes.

“Did you sleep well Penny?” He asked.

“Yes I did, Uncle Gadget.” She replied, her uncle’s T-shirt fluttering as she sat back down. She didn’t need pajamas yet, her uncle’s shirt covered her body well enough.

“Go go gadget hand!” Said Gadget, holding a plate in one hand and the newspaper in the other. He needed to grab a spatula and thought his Gadget hand would be useful. Like always, the gadget he tried to use does not come out. Out popped the hand, but it was the Gadget Mallet. Like always, he had no control over it, so he stepped back so he wouldn’t hit something, then WHAM! Smacked Penny on the back of the head, knocking her out cold.

Gadget gasped in fright, the mallet pulling itself back inside his hat. He went over to her and lifted her from the chair.

“Penny! Penny! Wake up!” But she was barely breathing. That’s when Gadget noticed, through the loose shirt, her tiny bosom, just starting to bud. He stared at them for a full minute, wondering why he hadn’t noticed before.

His face went flush, he didn’t know what he should do. Should he take her to the hospital? But then they’d probably deem him unfit to take care of her, that he was a danger to her. So he did the next to logical thing, laid her in the bed, hoping she’d wake up soon. There was no blood, so he thought she’d be fine.

An hour later, nothing. Brain was laying at the foot of the bed, whimpering. Gadget came in to check on her. He sat on the side of the bed and shook her, but she didn’t move. She was breathing, but she wasn’t responding to anything. He got more and more worried. But he couldn’t help but remember how he felt when saw her chest. So small, but still so…so what? Innocent? Perfect? ….arousing? Yes, he didn’t like it, but he was aroused by the sight of her.

“All right,” he said, “I’ll look one more time, and this time I wont react that way. It just caught me off guard, that’s all.” So he peeked again. Oh god they were just the same as he remembered them. Her nipples a pale pink, barely distinguishable from the rest of her flesh. He felt it…a rise in his pants. It’s been years since becoming a cyborg freak of nature that he felt something so basely human. Much of his body had been replaced, but some of them weren’t, and this one…was working.

He began to rub her chest, just to touch it. It was so soft, yet so hard. He saw her panties, white as snow. Not once did he ever think of her this way, but now it was as if nothing he could do could prevent him from thinking this way.

Brain started to growl, and this startled Gadget. He grabbed Brain by the collar and drug him outside. He didn’t know what would happen, but the last thing Gadget wanted was a witness.

Gadget came back, seeing Penny still unconscious. He sat back down and unbuttoned the shirt covering his niece’s body. He lifted her up and slipped the shirt off. Oh god she was so clean, so innocent. He just looked at her in awe, wondering how he could have gone this long and hadn’t noticed. The human flesh in his pants was hard. He was very aware of this.

He stopped. So far it wasn’t so bad what he was doing, so if he stopped now, he would be just fine. His hands, however, wouldn’t stop. They slowly took the panties off. He lost his breath when he saw her small slit, barely even there.

He lost it. All his inhibitions went out the window. He tore his clothes clean off. His body was white and slim, with the smallest hint of muscle. His throbbing manhood, his cock, was swollen and throbbing. “My god” he thought “This brings back memories.”

He picked his niece up, her head bobbing back and forth, no muscle reflexes at all. He kissed her tiny breasts. He sucks on her nipples. He grinds his dick along the crack of her ass. Oh god, he could have came then, but he knew he didn’t want to.

If she hadn’t woken up yet, he figured she wouldn’t for a long time. He stuck one finger in his niece, feeling her inside. “ smooth” he thought, moving his finger back and forth. He wanted so badly to be in her, he was so scared she’d wake up at any minute.

He began to kiss her breasts, while putting the tip of his dick inside her. “Oh god!” he thought, feeling her crotch seem to grab hold of him. He pushed deeper inside, up to the balls he was. He began to fuck her. He knew he would never look at her the same, but he didn’t care at this point. All he wanted was pleasure, with all the world saving he’s done he deserved it.

Just then, Penny woke up. “Uh, uh! Uncle Gadget!!!” She yelled. Gadget stopped, speechless. What was he supposed to say? But then he noticed something. She didn’t jump off him. She could have, but she didn’t.

“I..I…uh..” He started to say.

“Uncle, if you wanted me, you should have just said so.” She replied, starting to move up and down herself, moaning a little. Gadget was flabbergasted, he never, ever expected his niece to act this way.

“You’re a little whore Penny” he said, getting back into it.

“Yes Uncle, fuck me!” She said. And he did. He pounded her hard. He laid her on the bed and got on top of her. He fucked her in the missionary position. “Fuck me!” She kept yelling, Gadget getting more and more excited every time. “I’m coming Uncle!” she yelled, moaning.

He lost it. He was about to cum, and as he did, his Gadget Mallet came out again, swinging erraticly. Penny had here eyes closed, so she didn’t see it. As he came, the mallet pulled back, and on his first spurt the mallet smashed down on her face, caving it in, with one eye popped out the socket and dangling by the nerve. “Oh no!” Gadget though, but he couldn’t control it. He spurt again, and this time the mallet hit so hard her brain was visible, some of it on the mallet, and some coming out of her ear. The only thing that still looked like Penny was her pigtails, though bloody and filled with brain matter.

He shuddered a few more time, as the last of his cum dribbled out, the mallet not hitting so hard, but frequently and mostly just bushing the bone and brain and flesh mixture on the bed.

“Oh god oh god oh god oh god” he said, “What am I going to do!?!” He knew that they would soon find out and they would take him to prison, or worse yet, kill him. He didn’t want to do that, so he decided to kill himself. He went into the kitchen and drank some Draino from under the sink. With the metal parts in him, he knew it would be delayed, but his vital organs would be eaten away within 30 minutes.

He went in the room where his niece’s body lay there, dripping with blood and brain pieces. He just stared at her, wondering….will there be an afterlife for him? He noticed that the stump of her neck….he could see her esophagus, staring at him, mocking him. So he decided. He was going to fuck the throat with a hand mixer. He was going to go out with a bang, and he couldn’t think of another way.

As he stuck the beaters in and turned it on, the Chief appeared from the trashcan.

“GOOD LORD! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO GADGET!?” Chief yelled. “GO AWAY CHIEF! I NEED TO FINISH THIS WITH THE APPLIANCE!” “No Gadget, you are the appliance” And then Gadget was a toaster.


Hey /b/. I'm really embarrassed about this. I'll just tell it all.

we were doing a paper in our intro psych class together and i was in her dorm room. well when i went to her dorm she just wanted to hang out for a bit, watch some tv on her bed. she laughs at all my stupid jokes and stuff and as we're teasing, hitting each other and wrestling on her bed she whispers in my ear "do you know what's fun?" i fucking froze right there, and she took my hand and placed my finger in her mouth and began sucking, i had no fucking idea what to do i was in a cold sweat and my asshole was clenched up so tight and i was so nervous.

she started rubbing my arm because she could obviously tell that i was a little weirded out. anyway, she came on even stronger, began kissing me and laid me down and unzipped my pants. i had a pretty good erection going then, and she started jerking me off and fondling my balls. i was thinking like "what the fuck" because i had never gotten this far with a girl in my whole life and it was fucking happening. i was enjoying it but her eyes, her eyes kept looking up at me and it was like someone was watching me as i was getting off, like my mom watching supervising me getting off. it went on for fucking like 25 minutes. i was so fucking nervous i had no fucking idea what to do and i could tell she was getting a little impatient, so i decided to fake my orgasm. i started moaning a bit and tried to amp it up, grimacing my face and going "oh god ungh oh god". i told her i had cum and just pulled my still erect penis out of her hand. there was this huge awkward pause so i told her i had left my Gatorade bottle outside and just ran home.

the thing is, i think she knew i faked it. What do I do, /b/?

Courtroom Drama

“Mr. Nick!” Phoenix looked down as he felt a tiny hand tugging on his bright blue suit pants. “Excuse me, Mr. Nick!” It was Pearl Fey. She looked very small behind the tall oak defendant’s stand. Phoenix heard Franziska von Karma, the prosecutor, babbling something about her perfection, and decided that he could spare his attention. “What is it, Pearls?” He whispered out of the corner of his mouth. The eight-year-old girl stared up at him with her large brown eyes, thin eyebrows arched inquisitively. Her silky brown hair was braided into two circles behind her head that bounced up and down when she was surprised or excited. And to top it off she wore the standard light purple channeler’s robe with a pink sash, only in miniature. She was, in a word, adorable.

“Mr. Nick, I have to go potty, bad!” “I’m sorry, Pearls, but you’ll have to hold it a little longer. The judge doesn’t look ready to call a recess yet.” “Oh…” “Don’t worry, we’ll get you to a bathroom. Just hang in there, okay?” “Okay!” said Pearl, breaking into a grin. Phoenix couldn’t help but smile back. He didn’t usually like kids, but Pearl was so sweet, she could never cause any trouble. “Mr. Wright! I would advise you to pay attention to your own client’s trial!” “Y-yes, your honor!” Phoenix stammered. The judge continued.

“Ms. Von Karma was just about to call the next witness to the stand…” It was Lotta Hart, the nosy photographer who almost always managed to show up in time to witness the crime scene. They began the cross examination. Phoenix listened carefully to the entire testimony, and Pearl waited patiently. He kept reviewing all the evidence, looking frantically for contradictions, but the story seemed airtight. He could tell the judge was getting impatient, and his window of opportunity was closing. This looked like it could be the end…

“Need some help?” A familiar voice came from right next to him, and Phoenix glanced over in astonishment. “Pearls? What…” His heart almost stopped. There stood Mia Fey, his dead mentor. He’d always had something of a crush on her, and now she looked more beautiful than ever before. Now, her hair was brown, and braided up in the back just like Pearl’s. He realized that the young spirit medium must be channeling Mia. “Hmmm…these clothes are a little small though.” Phoenix blushed as he realized just how short the eight-year-old’s skirt was on the fully grown Mia. It barely covered her crotch! And now Mia, who had always had a large bust, was quite literally almost popping out of the minuscule channeling robes. She must have noticed Phoenix staring.

“Get it together, Phoenix! You’ve got a case to win!” He nodded and turned back to the witness stand. Mia continued. “Now, start trying to press the witness for-urk!” She suddenly felt an intense pressure in her abdomen. Wow! That little girl was working on quite a load! “Are you okay, Mia?” “Y-yeah…I’m fine…” she reassured him, although she was beginning to sweat. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold it. “Ms. Hart, isn’t it true you took more than one photo of the crime scene?” “Well, yeah! You reckon I’d let a story this big go by with just one pitcher to show for it?” “Would you mind presenting those additional pictures to the court?” “That will not be necessary.” Said Franziska, smirking across the courtroom at Phoenix.“The prosecution has deemed the additional photograph to be irrelevant.”

Phoenix pointed in his trademark gesture. “I think that’s for the people of this court to decide!” “I’m sorry, Ms. Von Karma, but I must agree with the defense on this – YOW!” Franziska cracked her whip viciously at the old man. “Very well! If you wish to waste this court’s time, I will present the other photo.” “Hmmm… what could this mean…?” Phoenix pored over the newly submitted picture for any discrepancies. “T-there, a contradiction! Think about the evidence you have and compare it to the picture you just got!” counseled Mia in a rather strained tone of voice. At that very moment she was forcing back an intense urge to use the bathroom by any means necessary. I’ve got to focus on the trial…she chided herself. But she could feel her concentration slipping. As her protégé raised an objection, she gripped the defendant’s stand with white knuckles. She shifted nervously in her uncomfortably tight clothing. She couldn’t really blame Phoenix for staring, after all, she was sporting some truly eye popping cleavage.

“Are you really alright, chief? You don’t look so good.” Phoenix asked. He seemed genuinely concerned, as Mia’s face had blanched and she was now sweating noticeably. The air around her was beginning to waver and bend almost imperceptibly. “Don’t worry about me, you need to think of the client!” Ugh...this is the worst I’ve ever had to go in my whole life. I can feel my connection to Pearl waning… Mia quickly began to understand the bottom line: if she didn’t find relief soon, she would go back to the spirit world and leave Phoenix on his own. As the fight between Phoenix and Franziska dragged on, Mia’s eyes widened in desperation. An airy fart squeezed itself out of her, and the very tip of a hard turd emerged from between her cheeks. This was almost too much for her to bear. She needed a toilet, now. Her lips parted as an almost inaudible moan escaped them. She clutched her backside tightly and hopped up and down to distract herself. This caused the auburn circlets of hair at the back of her head to bounce up and down, just as they did when Pearl was excited. She stopped and doubled over as she farted again, louder. The sheer volume of feces inside her astounded Mia. She fought hard to hold it in, but it was a losing battle. The whole room started to narrow to tunnel vision, and the sound of Phoenix and Franziska arguing at the top of their lungs faded to a dull roar. This is it…she thought. It’s now or never.

She relaxed her overburdened sphincter, and a large volume of gas immediately escaped her. “Ohhh…” She ceased to perceive anything else in the room, except the blissful release she was feeling. She gave her body a gentle push to help things along, and just like that she was defecating. Her eyes were closed, and beneath her slightly upturned nose her mouth was formed into an ‘O’ of pure bliss. The enormous turd that had been bothering her slid smoothly out of her rectum and rested against her soft pink panties for a moment, before another push from Mia caused them to bulge out easily with a soft crackle. The poop kept coming and began to pile into a soft mound. Even though everyone in the courtroom was watching Mia awkwardly, all she could feel was the warm, gooey sensation on her behind. If I had known how much pleasure you can get from soiling yourself, I would have done this while I was alive!

When that piece was finished, she could feel another one lining up for exit. This one was wider, so she spread her legs and bent over the stand, revealing even more cleavage. But she couldn’t have cared less. Her brow furrowed and she bit her lower lip out of exertion. Oh, my, this one is huge! What on earth did that little girl eat? She was so lost in concentration that Mia’s bladder involuntarily released, causing a hissing fountain of urine to cascade from between her parted legs. A wide puddle formed underneath her, splashing onto the floor from her crotch. As she strained, Mia released a big fart into Pearl’s already loaded panties. “Nnnnngh!” With all the noise she was making, almost everyone in the courtroom was looking at her. “What’s going on?” “I can’t believe it!” “Mommy, is the lady going poo-poo?” If there was any doubt before, it was now clear that Mia was definitely going poo-poo, as she began to push in earnest on the big lump of excrement inside her. Mia’s anus began to widen further and further, and gradually, her bowel movement began to slide out with a soft, mushy crackling. “Nnnh…nnh…oh!” Her sphincter was stretched almost to its limit. Finally, the widest part of the turd passed through and began to slide easily into her increasingly heavy panties.

“Ahhhhhhh…” Mia sighed in relief as the football shaped BM smushed at last into Pearl’s pink undies, which were adorned with bumblebees and brightly colored flowers. The panties sagged considerably beneath her short skirt, revealing the crack of her bum, which was smeared a chocolaty brown. Mia slowly stood up straight. Every last man, woman and child in the court room was staring at her open mouthed after witnessing her display. Mia barely even noticed. That was the nice thing about being a spirit, she thought. You don’t have to worry so much about the opinions of others. After a few moments of silence, Mia cleared her throat. “If the court is ready, may we continue with the…oh! Ungh…mmmmph…” She closed one of her eyes and grimaced. She pushed on her tummy with a slender hand and finally voided the last of her bowels. A thin log slithered out of her slowly and rested on top of the already enormous pile in her panties. “Hang on…there’s a bit more…” After an audible fart she grunted again, releasing a mushy mass of hot slop that coated her already steaming production. She nodded at the judge. “Your honor…?” “Well, I must say that in all my years I have never seen someone take a case so seriously. I suppose we may continue with the proceedings now. Mr. Wright, if you’re ready?” Phoenix’s face had totally blanched with embarrassment. “M-m-mia! What do you think you’re doing?” “Relax, Phoenix. We’ve got this trial totally under control. Just keep pressing the witness…”

Vampires? In my /b/?

Are there any vampires on /b/?

I mean real, true vampires. I am.

I had my awakening when I was 17. After a night of hanging out with some friends, I was visited by a vampire. He called himself Triumverus Caer. He came in through my bedroom window and spoke to me about his ability and his council.

He placed his hands upon my chest and I soon felt very cold. I dropped to my knees and looked up to him. He grabbed me by my neck and sunk his beautiful fangs into it. Oh, the feeling of such power coursing through my veins was almost orgasmic, I passed out from the pleasure.

When I awoke, there was a small scroll on the floor in front of my body. I sat up slowly, my whole body was dead cold. When i reached out for it and read it. I understood it completely. This is strange because it was written in Latin. It told me about my newfound powers.

What are my powers you ask? I have the ability to withdraw the energy from your body. A psychic vampire. This kind of vampire is special because I can still go out in the sun and have a normal functioning life. I feed off energy instead of blood.

So, here I am now, I've had my powers for little over 3 years. They're great. I'm in very high respect of the elders and I've become a sire to a few of my own underlings.

Pic related, It is me.

PS: Perfect response: "So tell me OP, how does it feel to have schizophrenia"

Furfag in Oven

hello /b/ i probably wont be here for a while but we will get to that part later.

so here i am with my friend, i called him up and asked if he wanted to come over after work to hang out and we got back at about 6;30. We make some popcorn and start playing some halo coop. We are talking about sex in video games and the conversation drifted to the internet when he says "have you ever seen fur art? i kind of like it and i post at an internet forum for it too sometimes, you should check it out"

i just stared at him for a few seconds then i got up and went up stairs. I opened the door to my room and just moped around a bit, i started to rummage through some party wigs in my closet and i found a dark colored afro one, i held it in my hands looking at it before putting it on, then i went over to the bathroom and just sat on the floor staring at the mirror for what seemed like hours. I could hear from downstairs that he had started to play the game again, after a few more minuets i got up, went up into the attic and grabbed a baseball bat, i walked downstairs careful not to knock over the potted plants, i could see him sitting on the couch there, focused completely on the game, my free hand started to twitch a little bit, he was to talking to me again; "hey can you get me a soda from the fridge buddy?" it seemed to break a trance that i was in, like i just woke up from a dream, my right hand griped the bat so hard my fingers turned white.

I walked up behind him and swung the bat at him, cracking him right below the back of his head, it sent him tumbling off the couch, i could see he was bleeding on the floor and it made me angry, i felt like i was going into a haze again, his eyes were spinning and they were beginning to turn white, i raised the bat up high and brought it down on his chest, there was a slight crunch and he huffed loudly as air escaped, he groaned slightly and i screamed as loud as i could at him; "FURFAG GOES IN EVERY OVEN!" i hauled him up by his neck and legs and tossed him into the street.

after a few days i hear he was hospitalized, apparently i had fractured one of his ribs and a bone fragment punctured his liver.

so now i am facing three years in prison with no parole for aggravated assault, 1y 8 months on good behavior, if you ever asked me, was it worth it, well to tell the truth, yes, yes it was worth it.

and i would do it again too

Makeup World

Today I had an epiphany...I realized that everyone in my class at makeup school, is two faced, fake, & bitchy. And I CANT STAND IT!!! I was at work experience with two people I THOUGHT were my friends today, and they were going on about all sorts of people who talk about her behind her back, and then suddenly she turns around and does the most spiteful thing EVER along with the other girl to me, and I was completely shattered. She told me that she'd left on a straightener on and told me to go turn it off. In my head I thought that was a bit strange she'd ask me to do that, and I thought for a sec that we didn't have any, also that she should go do it herself. But I did anyway, as the nice person i am. I was walking out I could see her smiling after me, and when I got into the room I heard them burst out laughing and realized they were just saying that because they thought I was a fucking ditz. I tried to calm myself, but I was so angry, and so hurt, that I took my handbag and fled from the place, walking as far away as I could, and got on the phone to my brother..

He told me to come straight home, and so did my Mum. So I packed everything and told them a lie!!! I said my Mum was ill so I had to leave, which was a lie, but I wanted payback. AND HEY GUESS WHAT!! As soon as they heard my Mum was "ill", they got all guilty and started asking me if I was okay! SO FUCKING FAKE!!! I was like: NO WAY AM I GOING FOR THAT. I just told them I was fine, and walked off. Fuck them man. I can't even believe it. I knew they talked about people and were bitches, but didn't realize they'd do it to me.. Fucking fake ass bitches. Spiteful and nasty that's what they are. And everyone in my makeup class bitches about one another, "OH so-and-so bitches about me behind my back!!" SO DO YOU!! THAT'S WHAT YOUR DOING RIGHT NOW. "I'd just tell them how I felt to their face!!!" THEN WHY DONT YOU TELL IT TO THEIR FACE INSTEAD OF BITCHING ABOUT IT??? HYPOOOOCRRRITTTESSS. A bunch of hypocrites! Fake, hypocrites, with no personality! I'm considering not doing the makeup thing because I'm not fake and I don't want to be around people who are. I want things to be real, to do something that benefits people instead of hiding who they are. Makeup is fake. Models are fake. So much in this plastic world is fake!!! I cant do it.

Hopefully I'll be able to get through this week and next, without completely breaking down! hahah=P Just two more weeks and I'm done. DONE FOREVER. And I can leave this Horrible school and fake ass people and NEVER see them again =P. I can't wait until I leave it. Its disorganized and stupid. I cant deal with it anymore. I don't even care if I fail. Just need to end it. Anyways, now that is off my chest, I will smile and forget about all this crap and enjoy the rest of my night..\

Dirty 420 Fools

Earlier during class I excused myself to go use the restroom. When I got there it was the usual cigarette butts in the toilets and ashes on the floor. This time though a couple students where cutting class and smoking marijuana in the bathroom.

At first they tried to hide it but then realizing it was too late they asked me if I wanted to smoke. Obviously a joke since I don't associate myself with the scumbag stoner group in school. I replied with a witty remark I once heard on a anti-drug program we watched in health class. "I can't get high I don't have a pilot's license," I said.

I then stormed out of the bathroom and straight to the principals office to inform him that people are smoking marijuana in the bathroom.

You marijuana smokers disgust me. You all listen to shitty classic rock and smell like garbage. I never see any of you with any nice looking girls. They are just a bunch of dirty junkies like you guys.

Forgot to Wipe

wow... today was a joke. This morning i hopped in the shower after cutting my chin and mustache 8 times with my worthless disposable razor, felt some pain while washing my face, realized they were raised welts (cystic acne). I opened the shower curtain and looked straight down at the tile, i was so close to getting out and swinging on the tiles as hard as i could... i must have stared at them for 5 minutes. But anyway, i get out and feel a really strong urge to use the bathroom... i normally hold it for 3 or 4 days cause i hate doing #2 lol.... But this was day 5... and i HAD to go. NOW.

I sat on the toilet after i got dressed and took a half diarrhea, half solid release. The solid part was so thick and wide that i honestly felt some of the worst pains of my life during the pushing. I started pulling up my pants right as the last bit fell out, tightened my belt and flushed the toilet... See i never believed in wiping before, thought it was a waste of time and what not, ... I mean I never get anything from wiping anyway so wtf is the point... right?

holy god was i wrong... i got to school and felt solid clumps deep between my cheeks, i figured my boxers were bunched up or summat. Right as i made it to my first period door i thought i felt something wet against my boxers... when i sat down my hypothesis was correct.. i had feces on them, and could start to smell them slightly. The damned room must have been 90 degrees, heat blowing because a computer malfunctioned, my ass and back started to sweat profusely and i had to make as little movement as possible to avoid disrupting it anymore. My teacher called me up to get a test paper, I thought about telling him to just throw it away, but of course i had to be an idiot and go up to get it, i walked by one kid and he said "dude you smell like bbq or something" My face got so red and everyone started saying "holy shit, you smell bad man, did you shower???"

I ignore them and get back to my desk... i take a look back at the board and notice a black dot on the ground, kids started questioning what it was and my heart started RACING. One kid sniffed it and exclaimed "OH MY GOD, ITS POOP!!!!" at this point the class was laughing excessively, i put my head down on my desk and smelled FUMES coming out from below it, i looked down and there was SHIT smeared all over the tile floor and on the bottoms of my jeans.

I ran full speed out the door, walked home and ended up punching my dads laptop on the way in and breaking the screen, he still isn't home, its gonna be hell when he sees it. I can honestly say im dropping out of school and enlisting in the marines, im NEVER showing my face at high school again. I mean it doesn't matter anyway, my GPA is 1.2 and im a 19 year old sophomore.

Furfag Porn

S​up /b/? First off, let me tell you that this is NOT CopyPasta. Feel free to check.

Anyway, I've been dating this really cute girl for about 2 months now and were just starting to explore our sexual niches and fetishes. The other day she came over while my cockblocking roommate was out singing for his gay choir. She told me she had to use my computer to check her email, so I obliged. She was in the middle of a bunch of emails with her lab mate, and she had to download a graph for her project. However, I forgot to change where my computer saved image files. It was set to my furry folder. That's right, Call me a furfag all you want. I've never been more than a furvert, with a small stash of furry porn. I dunno, I just like it for the uniqueness sometimes.

So, She downloads the file, then hunts it down to see if it came in correctly, and so she can print it out. it was at this point that I realized I never changed my save folder. I flipped 10 shits, got off my bed, and ran over to close my laptop. it was too late, there sat a huge fucking picture of a furry bunny, pussy hanging out, and she just stared at it. While my face switched to "OH FUCK" mode, she slowly went from shocked to interested, to fucking horny.

She got out of the chair, took off her shirt, and pushed me back onto my bed. She told me she wanted to be my furry little bunny, and at that point I got the quickest and hardest boner in my lifetime. I never got up. She rode me like a fucking jockey until I was too beat up to move.

/b/ is becoming LUEdicrous

Hey guise, moot here.

Listen, as benevolent dictator of /b/ it is my sole responsibility to stop this cancer, this foul malignancy that is slowly killing my beloved imageboard.

I've been thinking long and hard, and finally I realize I have no other choice if I want to stop the newfaggotry and shameless forcing of old memes from destroying what us oldfags used to call "home"

My solution?

I am permanently closing /b/ to new IPs. From here on in, only those who have been here at least 100 times in the past six months or so will be permitted to view.

I am sorry for any inconveniences this may cause, and wish you all happy fappings.

Remember, Anon does not forgive.


4chan Needs To Grow Up

Attention 4chan!

I recently came upon 4chan when a friend recommended I visit the sites for a few laughs. I figured "What the hell? I could use some laughs." I must say that when I came on I was disgusted and not amused at all. Why you ask? Because everything on this entire site is literally shit! I mean yes there is funny pictures posted every now and then. But honestly; Do any of you little shits have a life? I mean are you so immature and unintelligent that you find things like cartoon porn and random naked woman shaking their boobs funny?

GROW UP! Grow up 4chan. You all seriously need a reality check, You could be doing so many things in the day, yet you all choose to sit around on your fucking fat ugly asses and post pictures and then make sarcastic or idiotic comments like "tits or gtfo" and "o rly?".

Get off you fat asses and do something better with your life. I mean all of you have no life, no social life either for that matter. The supposed "girls" that come on here and converse with you are just as much losers are you, they are either fatter then fatty-tan or a term you'd better understand "A trap".

Well I've put in my two cents, and on a last note, I will do everything in my power to expose this site to people who will react legally upon this disgusting filthy site. This is not the end. It's just beginning. Grow up!


Gay Roomie

Dear /b/,

My roommate is gay. We were good friends, so when he told me, I had no problem with it, until about a week ago, when he asked if I've ever masturbated to him.

Now he's in my bed caressing my pillow. He does this every day. I've told him to leave, but he refuses, telling me it makes him feel "sexy" when he's in my bed. He's also walked around the room with no pants or underwear on. He thinks I'm attracted to him when I've tried to make it very clear that he's not my type.

Since he's in the room pretty much 24/7, I'm pretty sure he's been jerking off in my bed and trying on my clothes while I'm at work or class. He's mentally fragile, and very clingy, so if I tell him that he's a faggot and that I hate him, I'm afraid he would kill himself, which would be sad because we've been good friends for years. What should I do?


Hey B, I'm new.

Well, there isn't much to tell really, I guess you could consider me gothic, I love Heavy Metal, Alternative, basically any kind of rock. If I don't like you, you'll be able to tell, trust me. The love of my life is Cori, I love her with all of my soul, though sometimes I may not show it. If you talk bad about me and Cori's relationship, I will not get pissed off, I'll just ignore you, as she most likely will too, it is none of your business, and you know it. I love the anime/manga Death Note, and that will never change, criticize me all you want, it will not change my passion. Light/Raito Yagami is my favorite character, you also will never change that. I also like Bleach, Naruto (Non-American, Fooly Cooly, and Cowboy Bebop, though I don't obsess over those like I do Death Note. I also love Vampires, Werewolves, and basically anything mythological. Drawing is another one of my likes, though I am a terrible artist. I'm a shy person, and I usually hate meeting new people, anti-social is a little strong of a word, but yes, I am.

A Gentleman's Agreement

Salutations good sirs. Within a fortnight I shall set forth, with my Queen's congee of course, on a voyage to the Southernmost Colonies. In the Southland I design to retrieve a large shipment of these newfound creatures called "Negroids". Upon my return from the colonies I would be happy to bequeath you one or two for your sport. However, an exchange must take place. I require several daguerreotype depictions of bantam youngsters in "salacious" poses to add to my quite substantial collection. I propose we form a gentleman's agreement, if you could supply these daguerreotypes in advance of our exchange I would happily supply a half-ape-half-man creature at the time of our meeting. Do respond in haste my good sirs for I dare say my interest has been piqued. I have included a related vignette of my cargo for your appraisal. If the benevolent proprietors of this fine establishment are to find my libidinous requests deviant, then I suspect a ban from the premises and an assemblage of celebratory buggies outside my residence may be in order.

Sincerely and with great respect, Sir David V. Thomas


Cancer: 1. The word "newfag". It's becoming like the word "newb" these 13 year old faggots say. People here for a week see someone use the word "newfag" then start calling everyone they disagree with or just random people "newfags" then fap vigorously, thinking they "pwned" someone. 2. Spamming fags, myshittycityfags, etc. It does nothing but create an eyesore and it's fucking annoying. 3. Furfags, combofags, camwhores, drawfags. If you wanna be a furry, gb2/devianTART. Combos aren't funny and will never be "epic". If you want to be a camwhore, go to MySpace or Stickam or some shit. We're Anonymous for a reason. 4. Laugh/lose threads. 4chan isn't your "OMG LOOKIT THA FUNNY SIGHT =^____^=". GTFO. 5. Personal army fags. We won't raid your friends/school bully so stop spamming their phone numbers and emails. 6. Faggots that haven't got the lingo down yet and post "LOL I HURD U LIEK MUDKIPZ" or "TITS OR GTFO ROFL XD" or "BEE CUM ANNE HEROINE LMFAO >_<". Posting this shit doesn't make you fit in. Kill yourself. 7. People that type letters for words such as "u", "c", "b", "ur", etc. 4chan isn't AIM. If you're too lazy to type out your goddamn words, just leave now and take your niggerspeak with you. 8. "Report in/Roll call", "post ending in x", "Confirmed for brawl", "ITT: epic thread", reposts in general, etc. Stop trying to be funny. Try a little originality for once. 9. "Cut vs uncut", "Americunt vs. Eurofag" etc. Troll somewhere else. 10. EDfags. Gb2/ED for your "lulz". 11. Rulefags. The original rules 1 & 2 were as follows: "Rule 1: Don't mention 4chan, Rule 2: eBaum's did it". And they were called rules 1 & 2 OF RAIDING. But of course you wouldn't know that because you came sometime after Habboraids. 4chan isn't your own personal Fight Club, so STFU. We don't like you any more than the real world does. 12. Modfags/mo­ot. Money shouldn't be worth failing your site. Shit went to hell because they don't give a damn.

Blindmute loli

Check out the entire story and a summary at Blindmute Loli.

Well /b/, I've decided to take tomorrow off which is why I'm up writing this, and it's not copypasta (or not yet). Anyways, I work at a fast food place (it's a local thing so I won't bother mentioning the name). I was just about ready to close up shop, everyone else had already left, when I noticed a little girl walking around outside. She was just sort of loitering, walking around in circles. I didn't really get a good look at her, but I continued with closing procedures. After I had locked the safes and checked and double checked this and that, I noticed she was still out there. She was just sitting in the rain. I figured she must be lost, so I decided to do my good civilian duty and help her out. Upon going out there I got a good look at her. She looked to be around 7 years old, with short black hair (pageboy style like Rei). I didn't really know her ethnicity, she looked pale white but had some Asian features. Her clothes, a pair of jeans and a t-shirt (hardly fitting attire for the weather) were tattered, dirty, soaked, and it looked like she had been wearing them for quite some time (and she didn't smell like roses and candy either). She had her face in her knees just sort of lightly sobbing, and she didn't seem to notice me even though I was fairly close to her. Until I finally said "hi". Then she looked up, and I could clearly see she was blind. This startled me a bit, and now I felt bad. I just let some blind defenseless girl cry outside of my store while I went about my business. Unlike most /b/tards, I have some conscience (and I wasn't actually thinking about sticking it in the pooper). I asked if her if she'd like to come out of the rain. She got up, and I lead her into the store. I asked her if she wanted something to eat, and she nodded her head yes.

She didn't answer me about what she wanted though, and that's when it hit me again. "Can you talk?" I asked her, to which she shook her head no and started to sob a bit more. I put my hand on her shoulder (not perversely) and said, "It's okay, I'll make you something good." She dried her tears a bit, and I fixed her a sub. I gave it to her, and she devoured it. Since her clothes were in terrible shape, and she acts like she hasn't eaten in forever, I asked her my third question. "Do you have a home?" to which she again gave a meek no. I didn't want to see her cry again, so I told her I'd take her back to my apartment (and no, once again, I wasn't trying to stick it in the pooper). So, in that very short amount of time, I now had this little girl accompanying me home. And I was thinking that she probably should've been snatched up by pedophiles by now being out on the street. She's tattered and dirty, but still pretty underneath. I took her out to my car, and buckled her into the front seat next to me. I think I could tell at that point she wanted more to eat.

On the car ride to my place I didn't really know what to say, so I was generally quiet. I asked her if she had any parents, to which she responded no, so I suppose they're dead. I asked her old she was and she stuck up 8 fingers (I was close). Every once in a while I would put my arm on her back and rub it a bit, trying to be comforting. I don't really think she noticed or cared. Obviously some bad shit has happened to her, and for all she knows she could end up in my glovebox. Of course maybe 8 year olds don't think thoughts like that, only /b/tards like me. We arrived at my apartment, and I walked in with her. My roommate Luke was up in the living room playing 360 online, and he just gave me a raised eyebrow. Luke wouldn't suspect me of being a pedophile or serial killer, but one of us bringing an 8 year old home isn't normal. So I told her to go into the kitchen and eat what she wants, and I'll talk to Luke. I gave her a gentle nudge in the direction of the kitchen and she went in (they're connected except for a little counter thing between them). He turned off the 360 (oh noes his rankings). "So what's going on?" "I found her outside of [place where I work]" "So you brought her home?" "She's blind, mute, and she doesn't have any parents or a place to stay." "Okay, but she's sleeping in your room."

And with that, he turned on his 360 again. We were friends, but we made it a priority not to pry in each other's business. I went back into the kitchen to find my loli friend sitting down with a bag of chips she found. I realized that I forgot she's blind and has no idea what my kitchen's layout is. I asked her if she wanted something else, and she nodded her head yes. I thought of the only thing I could, and grabbed a paper and pencil. I put the pencil in her hand and pressed it down on the paper. I had no idea if she could write or not, but she wrote down a rough sort of scribbly word which I made out to be "sandwich". So I put together and sandwich with anything I could find, salami, cheese, etc. I didn't think she would be a picky eater. She inhaled it pretty much, and it was at this point I remembered she smelled like somebody had used her hair to clean their colon. She needed a bath, and since she was blind I would have to be the one to give it to her. I said "How about we get you clean?" and she nodded yes. I wondered how long it's been since she's bathed. Luke looked back at me and just shook his head, so I put my hands up in the sort of "What else am I going to do?" motion, and followed her into the bathroom.

I peeled her clothes off of her, and put them on the ground for later burning. I grabbed the soap and washed her, she didn't seem to object to me doing this. I got her as thoroughly clean as I could, and I could tell she was getting very tired. I dried her off, and her eyes were shutting so I carried her to my room. Walking out of the bathroom carrying a naked loli in my arms, Luke gave me another look. A look like, "Man I've been minding my business all night but what the hell are you doing?" I payed him no mind and carried her to my room. I put a pair of my boxers on her and a t-shirt of mine and laid her on my bed. I put the quilt over her and she settled immediately into the bed. She looked like she was the most comfortable she's been in a long time. I didn't know where she had been sleeping for the past bit, but it was probably wasn't ideal. I sat down on the edge of the bed and popped my shoes off and just gave a sigh. Not really of frustration, I was just disillusioned with what was going on. I went out of the room and turned the light off (she was already fast asleep by now) and went out to Luke. We played some Perfect Dark and discussed some chick, ignoring the obvious topic.

So after I got finished with him, I realized this was probably /b/'s specialty and decided to write it up. I don't really know what I should do with her. I was considering taking her to the police station, but I began wondering. Why would she run away from home? Maybe she has some physically or sexually abusive father at home who's just going to go and claim and her and beat her or molest her again. She said her parents were dead, but that might not be entirely true. And I began wondering if I technically kidnapped her. She could just be some kid that ran away and if her parents raise a ruckus could I get in trouble for doing a good deed? I hope not. I do need to get some sleep though, so I'll be going to bed soon. I've decided to take the day off tomorrow, to figure out who she is and I think she might have a little cold (I sound like a mother already!). So yeah, no pooper sticking, sorry for wasting your time /b/.

UBW Installer

Threads on /a/ about the UBW installer came and went, and with them months passed. But now the day was finally here; the installer was complete and would be released in a matter of minutes. As my download was running I kept thinking about how it'll turn up to be a simple, trivial piece of software and I would be joining the shitstorms flaming Message on /a/ soon enough. But I had no idea then...the download finished, the installer ran. But instead of what I expected, the screen went black for a moment, with the text "Thank you for downloading our program; UBW installation will soon be underway." flashing on it. Then the application closed and refused to do anything on further executions. I figured this was an elaborate prank, and as I thought, nobody on /a/ was the wiser.

This way, a few hour passed, with no response on Mirror Moon's part. And when I was about to give up and watch some random anime, I heard a knock on my door. Strange, I had no friends nor family and I didn't see who could be here at that hour; nonetheless I opened the door albeit cautiously. What stood there defied logic. A face and body that were all so familiar from manga and anime, yet should not exist in real life. But she was no doll, no costume. Everything from her eyes to her skin were visibly real, soft human tissue. I was speechless. My mind refused to work. I stood there, stunned for what seemed to be an eternity. She was the one to break silence. "Sorry for making you wait, I'm the UBW installer. Mind if I come in now?"

What could I answer? What could anyone think or speak in such a situation. I stepped back, still in shock, letting her pass through the doorway and into the hall. A sweet, pleasant scent of perfume slowly invaded my house, as she made her way into my room. By then, my mind had cleared up a bit, as much as it could. With unsteady words, I asked: "'re to in...install UBW?"

'You could put it that way, I guess...', she replied while looking around my room with a slightly bored gaze. 'W...well the's over there, uh...' 'Ah, I saw that. But it won't be necessary. That's not quite how it works.' 'Eh?' 'You see, the installation will be a bit more... personal.' She had an eerie smile on her face while saying this. And with that, she slowly began taking off shirt, gradually exposing more and more of her soft, white skin. 'W... wait, what are you doing?' I panicked, and looked away with shock and embarrassment. 'Getting ready to install. It's what I'm here for, isn't it?' 'H...uh...err...?'

She sighed. ' I've been warned you'd act this way; you 4channers are all so predictable. You act tough in your little imageboard, talking of everything from rape to child porn. You complain about being lonely all the time. Yet when things get real, at heart you're all whimpering nerds, afraid to leave the fantasy shell they've built on the Internet. But it can't be helped huh... it was to be expected that your kind will be the one interested in UBW to begin with. I was prepared for this much... but I really had hoped that it wouldn't be this troublesome after all...'

She sighed again, ending her monologue. My brain registered less than half those words and made sense of even less. I had backed up into a corner of my room not knowing if I should run or demand that she explains herself; it was a lot more likely that I'd faint on the spot rather than follow up on any of those choices anyway. She had stopped undressing while saying that, and now her face shone with a warm smile. 'I guess I was too blunt to begin with. You did wait for me for a very long time, didn't you? So it would be pointless to hurry now instead of doing things properly. I'll do my best to make it comfortable for you, ok?' And with that she smiled again, and moved to sit on my bed. 'Take your time and get back to your senses; I guess this was more of a shock than you could handle after all.' She looked down, taking her gaze off me, which made me feel slightly better. I regained my balance and slowly started making sense of things. 'If you feel better, please sit next to me for a bit.' she said, pointing at my bed, near herself.

I did as she said, sitting down, albeit keeping a slight distance. 'There's no need to be that shy, you know...'; she had obviously picked up on my reluctance to relinquish my comfort zone. 'You spend half your day fapping to hentai anyway', she said with a playful tone, 'so you should know how this works. It's no different from what you experienced on a daily basis, except it'll be real this time.'

With that, I started getting visibly uncomfortable again. My heart was racing with a mix of emotions I couldn't sort apart. I probably looked like I would jump up and run out at any moment.

'Hey...don't do that'd waste your only chance of turning your little fantasy world into reality. Isn't this what you wanted all along? It's understandable. You've been lonely for a long, long time; you're in no way used to this, hence all your uneasiness. But if you run away now, you'll regret it forever. You'll go back to being lonely, but worse than that, you'll remember you could have changed that with hardly any effort, but failed to do as little as that. Is that the kind of life you want to go on with?' Her tone was even kinder than before. Her voice was soft, warm, making me feel at ease. And above that, I was finally noticing what she was. The living incarnation of an idealization I had only experienced in a 2 dimensional context, untouchable and unreal. At that point, any thoughts of escape that I previously had vanished in an instant. She resumed undressing, with slow, elegant moves. The stripped away clothes revealed only flawlessly white skin, a slender body without imperfection. Small breasts, yet perfect in shape and texture. Well balanced legs, not overly fat or muscular in any way. And above all, the 9 inch penis pointing out from her lower abdomen, erect in anticipation.

'Wait, what?' 'That...That's...That's not right!' 'That can't be right...what...what's with that?'

I could only babble incomprehensible gibberish. 'Hey now, didn't I say it would be JUST like in a hentai? Are you surprised?'. She laughed. But not with the previous warmth and kindness. The laughter this time was more befitting of a hellspawned demon.

If my previous reaction was overwhelming shock, this time it couldn't be put in words. As I was helpless, she rushed to me with unearthly speed, tearing away clothes as if wanting to break my body into pieces. I was hauled up and bent over the bed. I couldn't think, let alone move. I was helpless. 'Well then, let's begin the installation procedure.' I could only hear her voice, laughing with satisfaction. And then...


I screamed. A huge, hard object had been inserted in my colon without warning. The pain was extreme. Making matters worse, it immediately started moving, thrusting in and out as I screamed, time and time again. Between jolts of pain I could feel blood from my torn insides slowly seeping out. If anything, it did seem to act as lubricant, lessening the pain to an extent. As I stopped shouting, I could hear another voice, moaning and panting, louder and louder. And finally... 'A...ah I'm co...coming...aaaaah!'

What followed next was beyond reason. An unlimited number of blades materialized, one by one, inside of me, making their way out, tearing my body to shreds in the process. And as that happened, it was flashing before my eyes. Not my life, that is, but UBW. I was feeling it with every fiber of my broken body. Archer's GAR, epic fights between servants, all had become a part of me. An experience beyond life and time. I was on the verge of death, but it didn't matter. I was happy. This was more than I could have ever hoped for, from my life.

'Installation successful. No errors have been reported.' her words, the last I'd ever hear, sounded in my ears. And at that point I understood what it all had been for. Months of testing, inhuman amounts of work, all to achieve that ultimate experience. With my last thread of consciousness, I begged Message for forgiveness. I knew he wouldn't hear me, but I had to do it. I had finally understood the meaning behind Message's work, and I died content, knowing that even if I had lived on, there would never be anything that would remotely equal what I had just experienced. I was complete. That was the true meaning of UBW installation.

I Chose /b/

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else.

The Ultimate Flame

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum and I wish you would go away.

You're a putrescence mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformation. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective...maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

I Hope This Helps...

I want to kill my little sister

Since September, my life has sucked. I've been very sick. I stopped going to school for three months, and when I got better I couldn't deal with the structure of a normal high school any longer. My parents have pulled me out and I am currently waiting to be enrolled in an online high school. I still have some major health problems, and I'm still waiting for several test results. I feel very stressed and very depressed. My family has been trying to help me, and I'm grateful for that.

There is one huge problem hampering my progress towards some semblance of normality: my little sister.

L has become a total b***h. Well, she's always been a b***h, but I've always been able to ignore her. Except now I'm so stressed and physically weak that I can't ignore her. Not only that, but she's becoming worse and worse.

L is beautiful. She is also vicious and ambitious. She's always teased me for being fat and socially inept. Now she rubs it in my face. She laughs about how I'm always on a diet, how I always have to take medicine, how I can't fit into the pretty clothes, that I only have a few friends. She steals money from me, reads my private stuff, looks through my artwork. She brings friends home for the sole purpose to laugh at me. (I wish I was joking - our house is very echoey, and I can hear every word they say.) She keeps me up at night by turning on every light in the house, takes blankets from my bed, throws out new bottles of my shampoo, even takes our pets to her room when I need something living and breathing to hug and talk to.

I don't know what to do. I've already talked to my parents about this - they're mad at her already for breaking the no-boys-allowed-in-the-house-without-an-adult rule - and they try to punish her, but she never lets it affect her, and they can't do much anyway because they both work a lot. I have known her to bring friends over and let them root through my room, ignore me when I'm obviously in pain, laugh when I cry.

The worst thing she's ever done happened earlier tonight: I fainted, hit my head on the wall, left some blood, and instead of helping me up or getting a bandaid or even asking if I was okay, she turned up the volume on the TV.

Right now, she's sitting in her room with a friend. They are talking about boys and friends, but mostly about how I am "a spaz" and "obviously faking it", how I am just too lazy to get my fat rear end out of bed and go to school, that I'm stupid and ugly. I'm downstairs listening to them, feeling sick.

I don't know what to do. I can't live like this, constantly cringing whenever she looks at me. I don't know why she's suddenly decided to torture me now, when the only thing I need is some stability. I don't know what I did to make her hate me so much. The only thing I know is that I'm just going to feel worse and worse until she lets up. She's only 14. She shouldn't hate me so much.

(And she's not a sociopath - she is very loving and friendly towards everyone else she meets. She just hates me.)

What can I do to stop this?

See Also