Crime

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Robbed at ggunpoint.jpg
Crime 001.jpeg
Crime 002.jpg

Crime is that intimate action one takes when they want to ignore all societal norms and get their way with the least amount of hassle.

Since society tends to look down upon this Go Getter attitude of doing your own thing it is very important to not get caught, or in other words, It's only illegal if you get caught, since The Man tends to look down on such self productive and highly rewarding activities as a blight on civilization and has decided that laws should be made prohibiting such entrepreneurial tactics.

Ideas such as Surprise Sex, theft and assault all became Crimes once the weak banded together and felt it necessary to standardize society, as they saw fit, so they could feel safe at night and continue to ever stagnate society with their cowardice; even intruding into the households of people to say where a man can stick his penis in his wife or say what his wife can stick up her vagina during sex play or when she is all alone.

Evolution favors the strongest but society favors the weak which is why crimes that break trust, such as insider trading and ponzi schemes will only get you a vacation at Club Fed while robbery or assault will earn you hard time.


   
 
Prudence is a rich ugly old maid courted by Incapacity.
 

 
 

—William Blake on taking charge


Thoughts On Crime

Police brutality is only a crime when the victim is white


   
 
'He who seeks may easily get lost himself. It is a crime to go apart and be alone.' Thus speaks the herd.
 

 
 

—Nietzsche

Philosophers such as Nietzsche and William Blake believed that it was the right of those who were stronger and more ingenious than the average, slack jawed yokel populating the herd to take and do whatever they wanted because they are the wolves amongst the sheep.

The idea of a "Common Good" was repulsive to them because it goes against the nature of the strong man's desire to be a leader and take whatever is rightfully his, much like the alpha wolf who dominates through power and intimidation rather than consensus or vote.

In other words, laws against crime violate Natural Law, for instance, genetics and evolution suggest it prudent to spread ones' genes and have as many partners as possible. Society as a whole looks down on this by making laws against adultery and bigomy.

Even society says that one must consume yet looks down upon those who do without attaining the right, first, through capitalism.

Minor Crimes

Sexual Misconduct

No means no 123.png

Sexual Misconduct is the assinine idea that a person, through the use of coercion, can magicaly make someone, who is unwilling to have sex with them, change their minds through the use of threats, a position of power or a position of authorty and choose to have sex with their pathetic, ugly ass.

Current memes like #metoo play on this idea that a Woman was somehow forced to have sex with someone despite arguments that they have a rational mind and the choice to say no.

To even suggest that such a crime can exist proposes the idea that women are not intellectual creatures or the intellectual equal of a man and can have their minds changed with just a little bit of positive suggestion, such as, you will marry them, give them a raise or continue their employment with you.

Shoplifting

Shoplifting-TEASER 0.png

The crime for future magicians because any kid who has ever learned to palm something has walked out of Wal-Mart with their fair share of swag.

The real criminal in this is the stores because they get write-offs for a certain amount of merchandise every year and if their loss prevention department is doing their job than they are making money by catching shoplifters and not losing merchandise so it is your civic duty to take whatever you can so that their losses equal their write offs.

Bullying

Lose that excess weight and people will like you, maybe even call you pretty

If the liberals have their way, causing someone to have a bruised ego and go cry into a half gallon of ice-cream will become a crime because of the pain you caused them by doing damage to their overly fragile egos.

Bullying exists to reinforce the norm. The different are punished simply for being different, ugly, fat or even poor.

If you are beeing bullied the fastest way to stop it is to change.

If you're fat, lose weight. If you're different, try to fit the norm.

There is no rule that says that you have to be liked just because you are an individual. 2 choices exist. Either lead the herd or become part if it.

Major Crimes

Murder

Schalk outline 123.jpg
Murder to tag.jpg

Murder is when you get so sick of looking at a person that a punch in the face won't do it anymore and you decide to kick it up a notch and remove them from the misery that they're causing you and the world as a whole.

Mostly forgivable if you're white and rich and don't want a divorce so you do the legal maneuver of a Robert Wagner and push the bitch off a boat to drown.

For everyone else, the poor, it's a crime because religious fundamentalists and left leaning liberals have convinced the population that every life is sacred and seeks to reinforce this idea by fighting for the right of abortion and the death penalty.

All in all, murder has a positive outcome because blacks are statistically more likely to kill another black man. By keeping it in their own race, these nigger killers are doing the job, themselves, of lowering the black population in the U.S., so there is no worry of the blacks every breeding to a point of taking over because they're taking the job of lowering their own population into their own hands.

Want to get away with it?

Keep your fucking mouth shut.

You don't know how many murders are solved because some dumb ass with a guilty conscious or felt the need to brag about killing someone talked to a potential snitch.

You are your own worst enemy because snitches are everywhere.

Assault

Felonious assault-SC.jpeg

Have a need to reach out and touch someone? Any unwanted touching by a person fits this description.

Don't like the way a person looks and you punch them in the face - assaault. Yes the Germans have a word for this, Backpfeifengesicht, or a face that begs to be punched.

Bitch slap your hoe because she didn't bring you your money - assault.

Defend yourself in a fight enough that you take control of It and don't stop fighting - assault. A way to look at this is: You can instigate a fight, participate in a fight aand so long as you don't win the fight you haven't committed assaault. That charge is reserved for the winner.

Rape

Rape is a lie being perpetrated by feminist groups and tiny men trying to redefine the intimate handshake known as Surprise Sex

It's a bonding process and as anyone who has ever read a V.C. Andrew's book can tell you - it empowers a woman to go on and do great things with her life. So by not surprise sexing a woman you are damning her to mediocrity.

Rape does not exist, not even in prisons where it is seen as taking ownership of someone with one's penis and a pack of cigarettes because no means no and if Surprise Sex wasn't wanted than enough resistance would have been had to deny the surpriser from the gift of their penis.

Being Black On A Friday Night

Black on a Friday night 111.jpg
They can see you ...

Probably one of the worst crimes that exist because there's a shoot on sight order for this kind of activity.

Mostly reserved for groups of black males of 2 or more, because of anti-gang laws, it exists as a law because, if prison teaches us anything, just having 2 black men in the same area is a crime on the verge of happening.

Mostly seen in low income neighborhoods, it can happen even in the best of them because where there's money to be had easily, blacks will congregate to look for easy prey or that easy score.

A first time offense usually earns the warning to disperse, a second offense usually will get a night stay at the county jail, shot if you resist or have a gram of heroin planted on you during a search to help alleviate the problem of free black men being allowed to scare honest wwhite citizens with their presence.

The best way to look at this is to see it as returning runaway slaves back to their masters but, in this case, they're being returned to their natural habitat which is prison.

The Police

Damn son, you just got cop blocked.

The police, the 5-0, the Po-Po or the pigs, are a trigger happy tool of the establishment designed to enforce and punish rule breakers and those who would try to bring natural laws back into society's fold.

Armed to the teeth and wearing body armor they are more reminiscent of an invading army rather than the protectors of society that they claim to serve.

Their position in society is to serve as IRL mods and Banhammer anyone that steps out of line. Mostly consisting of small dicked, bullied in high school little bitches, the police are not to be toyed with because they are always ready to shoot a black man or taze a white guy. If you think you'll File charges on them, there's little, if any chance that they'll face charges because the self defense excuse is always in their corner.

They exist for the weak and the cowards who don't have it in them to solve their own problems so they gave up that right to create an entity consisting of gun happy, hide behind their body armor group of thugs that are more than willing to empty a clip into anyone for even a minor infraction.

Judges

Chief-Judge-Spencer-D.-Levine judge.jpg

Judges are the dirty old men of the justice system but are not to be fucked with because as one person put it, "A judge is the closest thing to God that you will meet on this green Earth because everything they say is written in stone."

They are your IRL sysops that can fuck you up and down the legal system if you walk into court and they take a disliking to you. Drunk on power, they could care less about you and choose to punish you for demanding your constitutional right of trial by jury and not pleading out with the max sentence, when found guilty, just for taking up their's and the prosecutor's time.

Even when a deal has been made with the prosecutor they can choose to throw it out for Just Because reasoning such as they didn't shoot under par the day before.

Like sysops they must be approached with a lot of respect and ass kissing if you don't want to be taking it in the ass - first in court and later in prison.

Prison

3rmka3.jpg
Prison rape.gif

When you wind up here you'll find out, right away, why they call it the pokey.

It's best to think of it as a 4 foot by 8 foot dorm room with 7 other people stacked on top of you; taking turns at your tender, virgin asshole because, even if you went in straight, you will be coming out gay thanks to this experiment of punishment that hasn't changed since Puritan times, over 300 years ago.

Here, you'll be locked up 16 hours of the day only if you wind up in a state run facility. Wind up in a super max and you'll be lucky to get out for 1 hour a day and get a single shower a week so you better hope you have some people outside that will put enough money on your books for a TV.

It's best to see it as a dumping ground for low life pieces of shit like you because once you've been to prison there's over an 80% chance that you will reoffend and wind up back there, more than likely, within 3 months from your release.

See Also

Crime
is part of a series on serious business
Serious Concepts

Free SpeechIdentity theftIronyInternet assholeInternet CelebritiesInternet diseaseInternet dramaInternet humanitariansInternet LawInternet lawsuitInternet lawyerInternet stalkingInternet tough guyInternet Vigilante GroupOperation Falcon PunchSwattingWorld Wide Web Consortium

People & Organizations

2cashAlan TuringCasey SerinDavid HockeyDear Cis PeopleDoxbinFast EddieGrace SaundersHallcats SquadronJessi SlaughterKittensMaja SchmidtMissyNiggest Crook ForcePsychopathVloggerheadsWEB SHERIFF

Crime is part of a series on Dying Alone

[DeadCry yourself to sleep]

Poemo.jpg Those Who Have Died Alone

Aaron SwartzAdam LanzaAlexis ArquetteAmanda ToddAmy WinehouseAnal CuntAndy KaufmanAnna Nicole SmithBrian AdamsBrandon CrispCharmaine DragunChris BenoitChris Harper-MercerChynaCodey PorterDavid BowieDavid CarradineEazy-EEdaremElliot RodgerElvis PresleyGeorge SodiniGizgizHappyCabbieHarambeHeath LedgerJeff WeiseJewWarioJim MorrisonKitty0706Kurt CobainLemonade CoyoteLeelah AlcornLiloMegan MeierMichael JacksonMitchell HendersonMySpaceOtoya YamaguchiPekka-Eric AuvinenPrinceRandy StairRehtaeh ParsonsRicardo LopezRipperRobin WilliamsRudolph ZurickShawn WoolleyShaySteve StephensTony48219TooDamnFilthyTyler DumstorfVester Flanagan

Those Dying Alone

03bgood2cash2 gryphon7jackass77Adam SandlerAngry GrandpaAhuviya HarelAIDS SkrillexAkewsticRockRAlex FordAlison RappAmerica's Third PartyAmy SchumerAngry JoeAnimatedJamesAnita SarkeesianAnonymous BorgAnthony 'A-Log' LoGattoAntony AguilarApril DavisAquagirlwhitefoxArgent009Arguecat3Arin HansonArmake21AsalieriAsa CoonAsher2500Austin AlexanderAvantGardePonyBambifan101BarneyfagBasement DwellersBen FordBen MoynihanBenny_the_SnakeBenthelooneyBig RedBikerfoxBill9929Bill GaedeBill GatesBLACKbusterCriticBob RehahnBrandontheMovieGuyBrandon SmithBrian MuellerBrianna WuBroniesButLovaByAppointmentToCarl the CuckCartoonjunkieCaseydeckerCheeyevChloe SagalChris-chanChris CrockerChuck M.Clint of Rise and FallCopperCabCorey MargeraCoughlan666CrazyvideosandrantsCrinklemonDaniel BrandtDan CilleyDane CookDani FilthDarius McCollumDarknessthecurseDave ChapelleDave MustaineDavid HockeyDaxflameDBoyWheelerDeekerDeterminedToDrawUTDev-catscratchDGTrixieDiaper BoyDisneyFan01DisneyMasterDJ KEEMSTARDnepropetrovsk maniacsDon RobertsDoodletonesDoomer3868Dorian_GayDoug WalkerDragoneerDrakonDustinEmer PrevostEmosEpic Fat GuyEpicKitty54Eric AbramovEric RidenourErik RibsskogFilthy FrankFagolescentsFanFic CriticFast EddieFat ManFaust & Pory Five Nights at Freddy's fansFlardoxFluffy teh wolfForeverKailynFriends of A-LogFurriesG-ZayGather Against FateGeorge LopezGhostGirlvinylGoddessMilleniaGreg MazujianGwen GaleGwen StefaniHarmful OpinionsHellkiller777I Dislike Cis PeopleI Hate EverythingIan Miles Cheongicze⁴rImma-The-DeerInkBunnyJamil The KingJessi SlaughterJessica LeedsJim ProfitJoe Crusher PicklesJoekerJohn BullaJohn FieldJohn KricfalusiJohn Patrick RogersJonathan McIntoshJonathan YanivJonTronJoseph CampJoseph8276Joshua "Null" MoonJuggalosJustinRPGKaBlamBandicoot64Kat DenningsKendall JennerKathleen ToddKenny GlennKevin HavensKimmo Johan AlmKingEmpoleonKingMasterReviewKrashedLaci GreenLarry the Cable GuyLauren FaustLeafyIsHereLecarickLeigh AlexanderLeisureSuitGamingLena DunhamLeonard F. Shaner Jr.Leslie JonesLifeInATentLikeicareLinkaraLittleCloudLittleKuribohLordelthibarLucian HodobocM. ChaosA Man in BlackManchildrenMarblesMariotehplumberMarjan SiklicMatthew DavisMaxtaroMcJuggerNuggetsMDetector5‎MeowbarkMeganSpeaksMichael BattonMichael FitzhywelMichael GimsonMike SandyMoleman9000Monica PunkMonkeyGameGuidesMoviebobMuZemikeMylarBalloonFanMysteriousMrEnterMysticArkNaokoElric2250Nathan GaleNawlinWikiNeckbeardsNeoGAFNick BateNick BravoNikkineko333Noah AntwilerNostalgia ChickNotchNullcherriOFWGKTAOnyx ForepawPaigeGirlPaul FeigPaulie CalafioreParkourdude91Peter CoffinPhantomStrider8Phil FishPhunWithLogicPinkieponyPit ViperPixyteriPMRantsPreachingthegospelQuentin TarantinoRachael MacFarlaneRandi HarperRedheadXilamGuyRicki RavenRMG ProductionsRobert Wayne StilesRockosockoRomeo RoseRootbrianRose3212Sad FrogSammyClassicSonicFanSam PepperSarah ButtsSarahisniftySaturnDOSSceptreSchnookumsSegacampSega KidSeth MacFarlaneSethistoShadmanSimply OkamiSlowbeef & DiabetusSnapesnoggerSonmanicSony-MaeSophie LabelleSpax3StormySuperlisamcbSusan BoyleTara StrongTheAmazingAtheistTheDOSFagTheSockDetectiveTim BuckleyTJ LaneTodd in the ShadowsTom PrestonToonEGuyTourneyfagsTrey Eric SeslerTranime GirlTrigglypuffTyciolTyler GarmanyUlillilliaThe Unknown AutobotUrinatingTreeVadeVinceintheBayWade FulpWeatherManKevinWesley!!!WoWfan4lifeWwwareaWeegeeisgoingtokillmYoshiwii1YouYoungdefiantyoungbloodfantasy91Zoe QuinnZone

Their Methods

9gagAdventure TimeAIDSAnimuArt SchoolAsperger's SyndromeAssigned MaleAsk.fmBath SaltsThe Big Bang TheoryBlackLivesMatterBlack metalBody PillowsBoozeBullyingBuzzFeedComputer Science IIICosplayDead FriendDeath metalDeath penaltyDeviantARTDrugsEdginessFanFictionFeminismFidget spinner The Filthy Frank ShowFive Nights at Freddy'sFleshlightFriend ZoneFurry ArtGarry's ModGoAnimate!GooglewhackingGorillazGravity FallsGrindcoreHackingHappy Madison ProductionsHomestuck‎Hover hand‎HufflepuffInfantilismInsane Clown PosseInvisible GirlfriendIRCJenkemKiwi FarmsKotakuLegoLeague of LegendsLibertarianismLiveJournalLonelyLoveShyMai WaifuMen's rights activismMinecraftMLP ForumsMMORPGsMUDsMy Little PonyMy Tiny DickNice GuyismOculus RiftOh ShiternetOnline datingOnline sex gamesOverwatchPlastic CrapPlenty of Fish/r9k/RobloxRuneScapeSecond LifeSilk Screen Goku ShirtTaking the Internet Too SeriouslyShy Boys IRLSlayerSlipknotSluthateSmogon UniversitySocial JusticeSpeakoniaTeam Fortress 2That Guy With The GlassesThe SimsThey Might Be GiantsTulpasTumblrTV TropesUncle GrandpaUncyclopediaUndertaleVloggerheadsWatchMojo.comWizardchanWorld of WarcraftYouTube

Featured article November 01 & 02, 2019
Preceded by
Skeletons
Crime Succeeded by
Time Cube