Critics United

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Last Thursday, a group known as Critics United, a shitty self-proclaimed hero of the shitty fanfiction site Fanfiction.Net, began reviewing shitty fanfiction much to the collective BAAAAAAWing of every shitty fanfiction author on the shitty internet. These brave soldiers of truth and honor, most of them adult women in their 20's and 30's, target and attack 13 year old girls and spam the incompetent FF.Net admins when they discover a piece of Naruto fiction that doesn't fit in with their own fantasies about screwing cartoon ninjas. So far, they have achieved great justice in the form of mass-deletion of shitty fanfic scratch that, all fanfiction is shitty.

The group would at first glance, appear to be doing the internets a favor in using the superior intellects of 30-somethings to bully pre-pubescent girls into never writing fanfiction again, but for that to be the case, one would have to ignore:

  • The fact that most of the critics in CU are, themselves, authors of shitty fanfiction
  • The fact that criticizing fanfiction on the internet makes you look more retarded than the retards writing the fanfiction
  • The complete lack of fucks given about FF.Net by the general population of the internet who aren't gradeschoolers

The Fanfic Critic is a CUnt's final form

The CUnts originally came to the attention of 4chan when a call to action was placed by a newfag on the tumblrs about getting Anon involved in their crusade against the "organization". The effort failed miserably since Anonymous is not your personal army and you should lurk moar. Said faggot eventually retracted his call to arms, but his tumblr account remains.

The Noble Cause

In the words of its high and mighty leader:

This movement has been started because of all the junk that is being posted on FF. Net. Flamers insult without giving reasons how to improve; some of us may insult, but we still tell you how to improve). We do leave honest, thorough reviews in order to help the writer. We point out mistakes, offer ways to fix them and better the story, and praise any good qualities of the fic. However, if a fic is breaking the rules and the author refuses to change it, we will report it.


—DarkSacredJewelXoX, Defender of the Interbutts

And thus, these talented critics of pornography set about their righteous deed with just and honorable...FUCK THAT SHIT:

The Righteous Leaders of the Revolution Lolcows

She HATES Mary Sues as seen by this drawing of two horny Giraffes from her deviantArt page

Gaaras1Girl, AKA The TRVE Bitch OMG!

GG is a miserable suethor who spams the Narutard community with her awful self-insert fiction. Her writing style is no different than your average Twitard’s, with a twist: she actually thinks she knows how to write and should be taken seriously. Naturally, when told the truth about her horrendous suefics and how nobody in the last millennia got a job as a Naruto fanfiction author, she promptly spergs out, blocks and requests immediate baleetion of the offender’s account. GG is different from DarkSacredJewelXoX and other CUnts in the amount of total spaziness she brings to her “reviews”, but not much else.

UPDATE: GG seems to have left the CUnt community because her mom called her out for bullying girls half her age on the internet instead of getting a goddamned job, and nothing of value was lost.

DarkSacredJewelXoX, The CUntmaster

Unbeknownst to her rabid followers, or maybe not, DarkSacredJewelXoX is herself, the epitome of what bad fanfiction authors strive to become. Most of the unfortunate victims of her "writing" are the exact same characters she sends her personal armies to seek out badfic of and undo. She, being a master writer, can't stand shitty fiction, so her work is of nothing less than the highest-quality spank-bank material:

Kagome took a few deep breaths and relaxed her muscles. Inuyasha continued to work his finger inside of her. He continued using his tongue to soothe her and once he felt her muscles relax slightly, he added another finger. She immediately tensed again. He helped coax her to loosen her muscles and moved his fingers faster while sucking on her clit.


—DarkSacredJewelXoX explaining how furries are able to warp the space around them to allow simultaneous multifinger penetration and clit-suckin'

She obeyed and he plunged his head back between her thighs. She grasped his hair and yanked hard, panting at the amazing feeling he caused. Ichigo smiled against her and used two fingers to enter her while sucking hard on her clit.


—DarkSacredJewelXoX has this thing for fingering while specific oral attention is paid to one's clit. Clearly, she's done this before.

"Do you think I'm a slut?" she asked turning her eyes away from him in shame.


—Yes you are.

"Goodnight?" she said dumbfounded as Ichigo roared his release.




She nodded again and sat up to fit the condom on him. Her muscles were trembling as she did so. He chuckled and stood on his knees, allowing her to fit him. As soon as she got it on, he pressed her down again and thrust into her hard and fast.


—DarkSacredJewel practices safe sex when boning animu bitches

RarityRoyale, The Cony

A ponyfag who is also under the delusion that her opinion of a website nobody takes seriously is more important than doing something productive. She also has a tumblr account and proudly proclaims herself a member of CU wherever she goes. People are quite impressed with this, since she seems to have a very hard time following even the most basic rules of English in her own sorry attempts at writing.

We were NOT in charge of this purge in any way. Look through our Ever Heard of Constructive Criticism or our Clean Sweep threads. If the name of your/your friend’s story is NOT in their, we had absolutely NO PART in its deletion. It was either reported anonymously or the admins decided to remove it for inappropriateness of some form.


—RarityRoyal, practicing good grammar and spelling when defending The Righteous Movement

BonusKun, The Fattie

BonusKun is fat and retarded. Nothing special when it comes to authors of fanfiction, so why she feels her opinion of other shitty, fat retards is worth a flying fuck is beyond anyone's guess.

The internet's collective amount of fucks given about CU and FF.Net in general

Cha's Aegis, The Failtroll

Cha is a furry who hangs around the lulzy FFN community, Literate Union. She sees herself as a troll, but has no idea how hard the other members of LU laugh at her for trying to pal around with them.

The Backlash

If you support this, or are any part of this group then you are a huge bag of cunt and should go face fuck a piranha. You do not have the fucking right to take down the stories of another writer and using your hacking skills to take something down that can easily be stopped by… NOT FUCKING READING IT!!


—australianterminator, ready to do some terminating

The amount of tard-rage brought on by the CUnts at FF.Net is truly astronomical. Thanks to the efforts of Critics United, each and every day, moar and moar children are waking to find their favorite poorly written shitstains gone from the site. There have been measures taken to attempt to remove the CUnts from FF.Net, but so far, none have worked nobody has tried doing shit.

It's only a matter of time before the CUnts destroy everyone but themselves on the site, and start turning on each other.

Trolling the Chosen Ones

  • Tell them they're not real mods (on a shit website)
  • Ask them how many books they've read (that aren't Inuyasha mangas)
  • Write songfic/spooge/suefic and post it to FF.Net
  • Tell a CUnt's mom about her slacker basement-dwelling daughter's passion, harassing small children on the internet
  • Ask them about the importance of pacing, grammar, plot and other writing standards mysteriously absent from their own fanfiction

Trolling Bad Fanfiction Writers

  • Rub your bloody cock on her teddy bear

External Links

Related Articles

[...and then there was a gay orgy.It was a dark and stormy night...]

Critics United is part of a series on FanFiction

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