Croatia (Nezavisna Drzava Hrvatska) is one of the many parts of oddly shaped debris that was left over after the Socialist Republic of Yugoslavia pressed the self-destruct button back in the 90's. Before we begin, it is important to note four important points which will make understanding Croatia and it's particular brand of insanity much easier:
- In Croatia - everything that can be politicized is politicized, mercilessly.
- Croats are absolutely incapable of governing themselves and will jump at the first opportunity they get to be some other country's bitch. However, once they are being pleasantly buttfucked by said country, they will immediately start plotting and subverting their "oppressors", no matter how beneficial their rule was.
- For the most time, Croats are generally docile and complacent and will let you abuse them and rob them seven ways 'til Sunday BUT BEWARE! Once they have a capable leader who utters the magical words "For God and Country", they will transform into ruthless warriors who will gleefully slaughter and rape whoever or whatever opposes them, including themselves.
- Serb = kill.
- Admit it, you're the bottom 5% and beneath a Pollack
Croatian history gets off to a pretty good start (read - fail) as they don't even know who their ancestors were, seriously. There exist at least a dozen theories about the ethnogenesis of Croats.
- The mainstream theory is that Croats were a tribe of slavs living somewhere in "White Croatia" who then migrated south when they got tired off all the snow and drunken Russians who they had to share their booze with.
- The second one is for teh edgy historians who claim that croats were the bastard offspring of hungarian warrior elite - the Avars and native Illyrians. This would explain why Croats mostly fail in everything, like Albanians do, but still have traces of warriors in their genes.
- The Gothic Theory: Based on an account of some priest named Dukljan who wrote that "Goths" were descending onto the adriatic towns and raping everyone and everything they could. This theory was used to fool Hitler into believing that Croats were actually Goths and should thus be BFFs with Germans and most definitely should not be purged from the world for being filthy Slavs, really.
- The Iranian Theory: Hey! there is a province in Iran which kinda sounds like our name, and there are also two stone tablets where one word kiiinda looks like Hurohoathos, this means that surely, we are arabs! Popular in recent time with trendy leftists and muslim-lovers who'd like to see Croatia and indeed Europe become a third world shithole in the name of progressiveness and islamophilia.
From about 7th century onwards, Croatia was your standard run-of-the-mill medieval fantasy kingdom, with knights, castles and a few witches to burn. However, this merry time was not to last. In 1102 AD, the Croats murdered their last king - Zvonimir after he politely suggested that they should go on a crusade and curb the growing number of mudslimes who were multiplying in the Holy Land. Since Croats like to present themselves as bigger catholics than the pope himself, but are nowhere to be seen when the push comes to shove, this was quite to be expected. However, Zvonimir in his dying breath, cursed all Croats so that they will never have their own to lead them and would get a mighty craving for foreign cock. The curse holds true 'til this very day.
The following 800 years were spent pretty much fighting against the Ottomans they failed to purge when Zvonimir asked them. The only useful thing to come from this period was the experience the Croats got in removing kebab, a skill becoming quite sought after in modern day.
Things started getting interesting after WW1 when the infamous hatred between Serbs and Croats was born. Serbs, which are a fail nation in their own way, wanted to create a great serbian empire to compensate for their small dicks, but all the land was already taken by far stronger nations. The Croats meanwhile got this silly notion that all the southern slavs should unite under a single state in order to become stronger and live in brotherly unity. Serbs naturally saw an opportunity and "united" with their northern "brothers" thus creating the first Yugoslavia. The Croats, for all of their sheepishness actually had more than two brain cells to rub together and soon realized what the Serbs were up to.
The Croats and the Serbs started to bitch-fight more and more but then World War II happened. Hitler, who was at first somewhat amicable towards Yugoslavia, soon saw just what a shithole it really was and decided to rip it all up and start over. Croats were given their own pseudostate: the Independent State of Croatia (Nezavisna Država Hrvatska) ran by a guy named Ante Pavleić, who was hiding in Italy with his posse of fags (known as Ustashe) before becoming Hitler's bitch.
Pavelić was such a great patriot and Croat, that he immediately gave away half the country to Benito fucking Mussolini, a living cartoon character, in order to sleaze up to him. The rest of NDH was happily living free under the german boot, the kindly germans relieving them of burdensome natural resources and men, who were shipped off to fight for the glory of the Third Reich. The Croats, in order to repay such acts of charity and kindness, opened up concentration camps at Jasenovac, Stara Gradiška and Belica. However, instead of exterminating Jews, with whom Croats had little to no beef, the rowdy Croats started exterminating Serbs! The Croats were so vile and brutal that the motherfucking SS started shitting bricks when they saw what they were doing. Meanwhile, the rest of the croatian populace, who were not (nearly) as batshit insane as Ustashe, started having second thoughts about the whole NDH thing. Enter Josip Broz Tito.
Tito was an ordinary Croat fellow until he saw the light of communism. He heroically ran for the woods and started organizing glorious people's resistance with his butt buddies - the partisans against Germans and Ustashe. This was not hard to do as while this was happening, Hitler was getting assraped by the USSR and could not commit to the things going on in NDH. Tito was a military genius - he single handedly won the war by feigning to go across a certain bridge, then blowing up said bridge instead of crossing it, then looking all sad until the Germans looked the other way, then re-building said bridge, crossing it and then blowing it up again. After seeing this, the Germans said fuck it and promptly fucked off, leaving their supporters who wanted to go with them to be
massacred justly punished for their crimes by Tito's cronies.
After World War II, Tito established the Socialist Federative People's Republic of Yugoslavia, or Yugoslavia 2.0. Croatia became a federal unit within the new communist state and was again being unjustly oppressed. Tito was a ruthless butcher who oppressed the croats with communism and progress, building up the ruined country after the war.
On the other hand Tito was simultaneously adored by the Croats as he was a Croat himself, and also the only person who told Stalin to go fuck himself and lived. Sadly, the monstrous Tito died in 1980 and Yugoslavia imploded in a little more than a decade. The main culprits were again - the Serbs, who once again wanted to create their "celestial empire". Croats were one again riled up into a murderous rage by Franjo Tuđman, a former political dissident who bravely sat in a jail for bitching about Tito's rule. Tuđman got a brilliant idea of using the old trigger words "God" and "Country" separately and interchangeably thus riling up the populace to levels never before seen. After a short bit of warfare the Serbs were curbstomped and sent to their decaying third Yugoslavia to lick their wounds. Now president, Franjo, in a bout of patriotism and love for his people, decided to privatize the state and community owned enterprises and create an elite "200 families" who would then rule Croatia in their peace and prosperity.
Since then, Croatia has been living happily in idyllic peace. Even after the great economic meltdown of 2007-2008, croatian citizens boldly go about their business, rummaging through dumpsters and wrestling with neck crunching loans and mortgages, safe and content in their knowledge that they are independent and free. In 2013, Croatia became a proud member of the European Union, thus fulfilling the age old dream (and a certain curse) of being a member of progressive, democratic Europe, and living safely under the benign patronage of Brussel bureaucrats who know what is best for them.
Croatia has a rich and interesting cultural heritage. Some of the age old traditions and rituals include: Hating Serbs, bitching about everything, drinking coffee for hours instead of working, procrastinating, hating communists, Kolinje (slaughtering pigs on a massive scale across the whole land, the pigs may or may not be a stand-in for a particular hated group), being subservient. hating Russians, sucking Germany and America's dick etc.
Croatia, unlike most other countries in the world who look like blobs, actually has a particular shape, though no one can quite agree what that shape is, some say that it's a crocodile who's devouring Bosnia, or a dove, or a pretzel/bannana, the possibilities are endless!
Croatia is divided up into several geographical regions:
- Dalmatia - Stretching to the south, a lovely land filled with loud-mouthed Dalmatians who will be overjoyed Iraq or Afghanistan
- Istria - A piece of land jutting on the far west end of the country. Filled with closeted communists and Titoists who think they are better than everyone else and are harbouring secret dreams of secession. Famous for constantly arguing with Slovenia about who invented or has right to use the indigenous foods and beverages, and sell them to the EU for those sweet sweet euros.
- Zagorje - Located in the extreme north-west of Croatia, just beyond the Medvednica mountain. This is the croatian equivalent of Dumbfuckistan's "deep south", though somewhat nicer looking on the surface. Filled with inbred, constantly drunken wine farmers happily breeding with their daughters beneath the hills featuring refurbished castles of their feudal overlords now turned museums.Error creating thumbnail: File missing
- Slavonia - A territory comprising the northeastern/upper "arm" of Croatia. Rumour has it that there are several people here who actually have a work ethic and minimal amount of mental illnesses that plague the rest of Croatia. Has the potential to be the breadbasket of southeastern Europe, but the majority of farmers there are to busy mooching off of generous governmental incentives for farming, in order to actually farm anything. This area saw widespread combat during the Yugoslav Wars, so there are plenty of mine fields which kill a couple of schmucks every year.
- Zagreb - The proud capital of Croatia. With a population of ~800k citizens, this bustling megalopolis is the beating heart of the whole country.It is so important in fact, that the rest of the country, (with the exception of four or five other larger cities), is being slowly deserted, as the population is either migrating into Zagreb or is getting the hell out of Croatia altogether. Since almost all crooks, rapists and mafiosi became politicians, the city's streets are perfectly safe at night.Error creating thumbnail: File missing
- Gorski Kotar - The provnice of Croatia nobody knows jack shit about, its only ever mentioned when the winter comes and mere meters of snow fall in its beautiful wastelands. The biggest town in Gorski Kotar is the bustling metropolis of Delnice with impressive ~5000 inhabitants, the absolute record in snowfall was set in Delnice in the February of 2018 when 186 Centimeters of snow fell and threw back the city into the Stone Age. Some people like to compare Gorski Kotar with Antarctica or the micronation of Slovenia, when someone compares it with the latter they usually end up with stitches.
- Dubrovnik - Croatia's exclave at the extreme south-east. Famous for being the place where Game of Thrones was filmed and for generating half of the country's GDP through tourism and ripping off of said tourists as a result. The city is quite nice looking but no Croats actually live in it since all the houses are leased as tourist apartments for over 9000$ per minute. In winter the city becomes a ghost town with only an odd hobo shuffling around.
- The Islands - There is a fuckton of them. The most important ones are Krk - which is made of stone, Brač - where stone is quarried, and Goli Otok - where you smash stone or it smashes you.
Since the Yugoslav Wars decimated the industry of Croatia, and building new factories (let alone working or even running them) is too much work, Croatia's main industry is tourism, only tourism.
Every year at around april or may, frantic activity begins in the small country. Thousands of Croats hurry down to the coast and undergo a metamorphosis into waiters, chefs, tourist guides, caterers and other service workers. Starting in june, hordes of Germans, Austrians, Ukrainians, Russians, Britons and other decadent and lazy denizens of Europe descend upon the croatian shores. There, they are serviced as kings and lulled into a comfortable stupor as the diligent croatian drones suck away at their precious foreign currencies. By september, the tourists mostly leave and the coastal resorts become deserted. The various service workers then revert back to ordinary jobless citizens and hurry back to their inland hive cities to feed their young with spoils of tourism.
Just as in another democratic countries, the best two or three parties have (e)merged and now dominate the political landscape. Since it's independence in 1991. Croatia has been stolen from by politicians left, right and center. Since Croats as a nation just love to have someone stomping on their necks and seldom rebel, the fat political elite of either stripe can operate in peace and accumulate ever increasing amount of wealth for their descendants. Croatia has a plethora of political parties for You to choose from:
- Hrvatska Demokratska Zajednica (Croatian Democratic Community) - Founded modern Croatia in 1991. A centre-right party comprised of honest businessmen, patriots and other fine men. Have a love/hate relationship with SDP. Currently the ruling party.
- Socijal Demokratska Partija (Social Democrats) - Formed from the
leftover communistsprogressives and liberals. They fight for progress, civic values and socialism. Have a love/hate relationship with HDZ.
- MOST Nezavisnih Lista (BRIDGE of Independent Lists) - A newcomer party. About half of the party is comprised out of county governors who managed to successfully run their counties forward, instead of into the ground. The other half is made up of hanger-ons and opportunistic fucktards. It's platform is...umm...progress and honesty..i guess?
- Živi Zid (The Living Wall) - The most recent addition to the political rooster of Croatia (that matters). The party is somewhat...special. How special you may ask? Well, the leader, Ivan Vilibor Sinčić sounds and behaves like a new-age guru whenever he actually decides to show up, his wife (yup, they are both in the same party AND on top positions no less, nepotism anyone?), Vladimira Palfi has a chronic case of PMS, but the real nutter is most definitely Ivan Pernar. Pernar has been entertaining the croatian public with his parliamentary hijinx such as claiming that Croatia is NATO's pawn, military radars cause cancer, that global warming and evolution are scams and claiming that it's all the Jew's fault.
The people in Croatia can be roughly divided into two major categories, the knuckle dragging "big croat" right-wing neanderthals and pseudo-intellectual pansy crypto communist left-wing pussies. There also exist a small number of what could pass for NORPs, living a life of quiet desperation or being in the process of getting the heck out with whatever they can carry.
Like many of the other Ex-Yu-States, Croatia is nationalist to the bones, mainly hating on the Serbs, who are more or less the same Slavic people but members of a different flavour of Jesuslovers. Unlike the other Ex-Commies down there, the Croats enjoy their own homebrew version of fascism, which they preserve for better times since the end of WWII.
The Croatian Fascist is called an "Ustashe" and is an overachiever; back in the day, they did their best (worst?) to do a better job at fascisting than the Italians or the Germans, building their own concentration camps, having Catholic priests in their death commandos, and being so disgusting that even the fucking SS was creeped out by them, which is comparable to Hannibal Lecter inviting some unsuspicious douche in for "dinner" only to get grossed out by him and fear for his life. Even the Führer himself decided that he didn't want those guys to have a seat down the table after he would run the planet, and so he said, “I will finish with this regime one day—but not now!"
Unfortunately, the war went south for the Reich, and so the Ustashe were just bitch slapped two or three times by Marshal Tito, which is why they are still around.
How to troll them:
- Tell them that Tito was a good and benign ruler who turned a mockery that was NDH into a socialist heaven.
- Ask them why Ante Pavelić sold off half of Croatia to Italians.
- Tell them that Ustashe wore brown uniforms, not black.
- Mention how Hitler referred to the balkan states as Dreckstaaten ("literally Shit-states"), including NDH.
- Since they like to tout how great Catholics and Christians they are, ask them how they would justify killing little children in concentration camps (the sick fucks really did that).
- Tell them that Germany was sapping Croatia's resources and manpower, and that the best the Croatian people could hope for was to be second-class citizens of the Third Reich, working like peasants for their german overlords.
- Mention how Franjo Tuđman was the youngest of Tito's generals.
The other baleful spawn of Croatian history is the "Komunjara" (commie). These are more stealthy and insidious, having infiltrated major croatian universities where they fill the heads of students with lies and communism. These fucktards would like nothing more than to restore Yugoslavia since they miss that sweet sweet feeling of Serbian/Communist dick in their anus. Pretending to be progressive and tolerant, but if given any greater degree of power they would likely turn the country into a gay communist shithole. Fortunately, since communism is inherently a self-destructing ideology, time ultimately ended their dream-state of Yugoslavia.
How to troll them:
- Ask them how an "enlightened" and cosmopolitan communist/socialist regime could kill people who merely had a different opinion.
- Mention that the notorious Jasenovac extermination camp continued to operate well into the 1948.
- Mention Goli Otok
- Tell them that Tito was a russian spy and that real Tito was murdered and replaced in Russia by Stalin.
- Tell them that Yugoslavia was living off of foreign loans and was only kept afloat due to said loans and it's geopolitical significance during the Cold War.
- Tell them that Tito was a traitor to Stalin and that you, as a "right thinking" communist think of them as a disgrace. Alternatively, just replace Tito and Stalin.
- Mention how homosexuality was illegal in Yugoslavia.
The Sea & Mainland
The Adriatic is a bit cleaner in Croatia than in Italy, mainly because there are less refugees drowning in it, and hotels, long drinks, and hookers are much cheaper than in Montenegro, also there are less fucking Muslims here than in both Italy and Montenegro, not to mention the coastline is longer than in Slovenia. Also has a shitton of islands.
The mainland is somewhat nice, where there is no urban sprawl, war-torn ruins, wild dumping grounds and mine fields left over from war, nature tends to be quite pleasant and idyllic. If you plan to visit Croatia, stick only to major cities and designated tourist areas, the locals don't like their neighbours, let alone foreigners snooping around the countryside lest they find some unsavory sights.
Freaks to encounter
- Fascists, a lot of them
- Tourists form central and northern Europe
- Jihadists, travelling to France and Germany
- LGBTBBQ+-= as of late
- The Boxjellyfish, these fuckers will kill you dead
- The Mafia (Croatian, Albanian, Serbian, Bosnian, Italian...)
- Bears, smaller than the Grizzly but still bigger than you
- Thompson fans, if you say anything bad about Croatia to them prepare to die
- The ghost of Marshal Tito
- Some guy selling donkey rides
- Your mom, selling rides