Cuban Missile Crisis

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The Cuban Missile Crisis was the second scariest event in US history, after that time when awesome British dudes who had just beat up some French dudes blew up the White House just for the lulz.

At least 100 years ago, The Cubans, lead by Fidel Castro and Che Guevara, refused to sell the US any more Cuban cigars because they got sick of the fat American tourists complaining about how "things are so much better in Noo Yawk". This meant that the stereotypical fat American generals started jonesing for their nicotine fix so badly that they almost declared war on the country.

For thirteen days, the Cubans pointed their missiles at America to ward off attack. Interestingly, they had nothing to launch the missiles with - they just thought the missiles were some kind of magical voodoo American repellant that would save them all. Luckily for them, the American spies in Cuba at that time had all died of lung cancer, so America believed that they were actually under threat.

The president at the time, John F. Kennedy, revealed the crisis to the public in the following very moving speech:

Jesus titty fucking Christ! We are so totally butt-fucked, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!


After this speech, he was shot by a guy, or he was shot by another guy, or maybe a few guys at once. Anyway, they just arrested some poor patsy names Lee Harvey Oswald and that was that. End of story. No Conspiracy. STOP POSTING.

In the end the Cubans went "Ok we won't shoot missiles or no shit, but you have to buy our cigars for double the price!"

The US tried to attack Cuba with Cuban exiles trained by the CIA for some reason. There have been many debates over why they didn't send in their own men, and the general conclusion is that most of the CIA agents were too fucking lazy.

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